Transcript
*music*
Welcome to Talisman Reviews. I'm your host
Tristan the Talisman, Tate.
I am not a seasoned cigar smoker or a tobacco.
expert.
In fact, I've never tried a cigarette and only picked up my first cigar.
two years ago when I retired from professional kickboxing.
I am not here to bore you with information about the tobacco,
where it's grown,
or the factories these things are rolled in.
I'm here to give you frank, honest reviews about the cigars we all love in a way the everyday man can relate to.
Some of history's greatest and most influential men have been cigar smokers.
Sir Winston Churchill,
Jack Nicholson.
And of course,
Hannibal Smith.
from the 80s.
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And of course, if you don't,
Today I'm going to be reviewing the Monte Cristal Linnea 1935.
1935 is actually in reference to the year
found it.
Not the year this cigar was made.
If this cigar was actually made in 1935,
It would cost me more than my house.
Depending on your budget,
This cigar could be classed an everyday smoker.
It should cost you between 25
and $30.
It's handmade in Cuba.
and it's six inches long.
I say seven.
We'll call it six and a half.
*music*
The name Monte Cristo
is inspired by the famous French novel, The Count of Monte Cristo.
which is about an innocent man who was sent to prison
for a crime he didn't commit.
Making this the perfect cigar brand.
for all of us career criminals out there.
Thank you.
Bye.
The initial impression of smoking the Monte Cristo Linnea is a lot like when you take a girl home who's been wearing a very impressive push-up bra
It looks great from a distance.
You expect a lot from it.
But when push comes to shove,
It just doesn't impress.
Monte Cristo is famously the favorite cigar brand of rapper and music producer Jay-Z.
So if you're an ugly guy and you want an attractive woman,
This is the cigar for you.
This time around I've paired this cigar with a Jack Daniels single barrel malt whiskey
The reason being,
is I don't know how to pair drinks in cigars.
But I bloody love whiskey.
*music*
The reason I think cigars help you get beautiful women
It's not just because they look cool,
But women love nothing more than when you take a big puff of smoke
and blow it in their face.
Remember that one, gentlemen.
Now I smoke around 4 cigars a week. If I were to switch to these, my weekly cigar budget would be around $100.
I understand that's a little bit expensive,
for your typical cigar smoker.
but these are perfect to celebrate a birthday, an anniversary,
or the death of your mother-in-law.
I find it absolutely fascinating how all cigars are made of the same tobacco leaves
but they're all slightly different and unique in their own way.
It's amazing how versatile this plant is.
very much like the internet.
It's one single tool, but you can use it for a variation of purposes.
trolling celebrities
stalking ex-girlfriends.
or hiring assassins.
from the dark web.
Bye.
Bye.
The word "Linnea" actually means "line" in Spanish and Latin.
Why am I telling you this?
because halfway through this cigar
I have nothing else interesting to say about it.
Thank you.
If this cigar were a woman,
you'd be a 9 out of 10 blonde standing at the bar.
Sure, it's a bit boring to begin with and you have to talk to her for hours and hours.
But once you get into the action of it...
you
It's pretty good.
Bye.
.
Bill Clinton's favorite brand of cigar is Romeo and Julieta.
You know what he gets up to when Hillary's out of town.
He has a Monte Cristo
What did you think I was gonna say?
.
This Monte Cristo linea reminds me of a good piece of 1980s pornography.
It starts off very dull.
but it gets better as you go along.
Right now I'm just about past the point where the plumbers pretended
to finish fixing the washing machine.
In my home country of the UK,
It is now illegal to smoke a cigarette or cigar with your children inside.
So before you light one of these up,
It takes a very long time to burn.
make sure you give your kids a coat.
before you kick them outside to wait.
As I come to the end of this cigar,
I'm ever so slightly disappointed.
It's much like being in a nightclub.
thinking you had a great time.
and the light's coming on at the end.
to reveal that you were standing in front of a six
the entire time.
I'm going to rate this cigar a 6.5.
good enough to enjoy in the privacy of your own home,
but you wouldn't introduce it to your friends.
Thank you for joining me on this installment of Talisman Reviews.
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