Transcript
*Muchas music*
We're gonna talk about skydiving.
Thank you.
So I've never jumped out of a plane.
I almost jumped out of a plane.
I was in Dubai and I thought, fuck, I want to jump out of a plane.
Why not?
So I went there and I said, "Oh, it's Tandem, and we're going to strap you to..."
An instructor, I say, wait, strap on to a dude, that sounds too gay.
I'll do it myself. I want to jump out of a plane by myself.
Like, okay, well, there's a one-week course you've got to do, blah, blah, blah. So I start going to these classes.
And during these classes, I accepted, and I now understand, that I am happy to die having never jumped out of a plane.
Not only is it a bit scary, of course, jumping out of a plane,
But on top of it all, it looks massively, massively different.
It just doesn't look pleasurable.
nothing about it looks fun. When you start the training process
They explain how you jump out and they show you all these videos of people's parachutes going wrong and how you have to, you know, pull your emergency chute and all these people who die and all this bullshit.
But even if everything goes well, when she described it to me, my instructor,
She. That's another thing that put me off. If you want me to jump off a plane, give me a man to teach me. Don't give me some fucking woman.
Like you want to build confidence in me to jump out of a plane. You put a woman in front of me. I'm listening to women.
I don't listen to women.
So I'm sitting there and paying attention, trying to pay attention to her female ramblings.
She's talking shit. And you jump out of the plane, even in Dubai, which is hot, when you jump out, it's like minus five.
So you're jumping out, it's fucking freezing cold. It's all ice in your face. It's freezing cold.
And then when we are practicing on the harness, when you pull the harness, you just get the biggest wedgie in history.
And then you float in the cold for like 10 minutes, shivering.
What's fun about that?
So I'm watching this going, the cold put me off. I don't like the cold.
Once they said the cold thing, I just turned to Tristan and said, I don't want to fucking jump on the cold. It's fucking cold.
I don't like cold. I wouldn't jump in a lake that's minus five.
Fuck, I don't jump out of a plane, it's minus five, it's fucking cold.
So I said, when can we do it where it's warmer? She's like, well, maybe in April. So that pissed me off anyway. So...
sitting there, blah, blah, blah.
And then I looked around the skydiving room
So I always thought people who jumped out of planes were like badass.
Like I imagined the skydiving school would be full of like military types.
or dudes like me, you know, like supreme specimens of man.
but it was actually full of fucking
Geeks.
if you go to a skydiving school these people are fucking nerds I'm talking about
20 full grown men.
sitting around a TV screen,
looking at videos of their last jump where they were doing patterns,
discussing patterns. 20 full-grown men look at tv screen. "Hey man bro look yeah bro you when you held his hand you need to do the inverse flip and then all of them running and getting on skateboards
and then skateboarding around the floor and pretending they're doing their
Geeks, bruv.
I was like, what the fuck is this? It was probably the most geeky shit I've ever seen in my life. These are adults.
talking about holding hands.
walking around in patterns together, trying to do hand-holding.
Fucking nerds. To add to that, most of these people who jump out of planes
That's all they do. That's their whole life is jumping out of planes.
So they don't do anything else. So they ain't got careers.
They ain't got like hot wives and supercars. They ain't got shit to lose like me.
They ain't got shit. They just float around the world and jump out of planes.
Like one guy there goes, "Yeah, I just live at the skydive school and I pack parachutes."
So he spends all day packing people's parachutes for them, for tips,
So he has enough money to eat.
and sleeps on the floor of the school so we can jump out of planes all day.
So everyone there's broke. And this dude was there and he's like, "Hey, man." He's like, "Hi." "Hey, is your first jump?" I was like, "Yeah." He goes, "Hey, man, for your first jump, you wanna wear our T-shirt for our team?"
So what's your team? He goes, we're called SkyJunk.
Sky and sky junk.
"Well, are you junk? Are you good?" "No, no, we're really good!" So why do you call yourself junk if you're good?
He's like, "Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so here's our blazer. It's $25. Trying to sell me a motherfucking t-shirt so he could buy a sandwich."
I was like, nah, it's fine, bro.
He goes, "You need to jump out of the plane and something."
I was like, yeah, I'm wearing a T-shirt. Motherfucker, I don't need your T-shirt. I mean, in something.
I mean, he should have come up and offered me a fucking parka. If he would have offered me a fucking big coat, I probably would have took off him, because I can't find one to buy and I'm jumping out minus five. Trying to sell me a motherfucking t-shirt?
Sky drunk? There ain't nothing drunk about this.
Pussy.
Whole place is full of nerds, dorks, geeks, losers, society's outcasts. And then it clicked.
That's why you jump out of planes in the first place.
There ain't no man out there with supercars, with 10 beautiful women, with a company to run, with a big ass house, with a cigar lounge inside of it,
who thinks, "I need to jump out of planes.
It's dudes with nothing going for themselves. No girl. They've been playing Dungeons and Dragons their whole lives. They find they need to do something else. Nobody respects them on the street. Nobody cares if they live or die. If their parachute doesn't work and they splatter into the ground, no one gives a fuck. One less loser.
they ain't got nothing to lose. So they meet some other losers and they decide, "Hey, if we all jump out of planes, we can hold hands in a circle. And you can film on your GoPro. And afterwards, we can watch it on the TV and see how symmetrical our circle was."
And then you can jerk him off and I'll jerk him off and we'll all jerk off in a circle jerk.
No thanks. Jumping out of planes is officially for geeks. And that is why on the third day of my five day course, I sat there and said to my instructor, I've decided I don't jump out of a plane anymore.
She goes, "No, don't worry. It's not scary once you're up there." I said, "No, this has nothing to do with fear."
I've decided I don't want to jump out a plane anymore. It's cold and it's for nerds. So what I'm going to do instead, and if you watch Take Confidential, you can see me do exactly this. There's a link to Take Confidential below. What I'm going to do instead is go rent a Lamborghini and tear it through the mountains. Because that's what G's do.
Jeez, don't jump out of motherfucking planes. The only thing that was a kinda a little bit cool was wingsuits.
But,
You have to look at life like, do you need to risk your life completely to enjoy your life?
It's a genuine question. Do you need to risk dying to appreciate breathing?
If the case is yes, if the answer is yes, I need to risk dying to appreciate breathing, then your life is pretty boring.
I don't need to risk dying to appreciate breathing. I can appreciate my life right here.
I don't need to risk dying.
There was one guy who was an Australian soldier who I was with and he was talking about how he jumped out of planes. Completely different.
You're a soldier. You're jumping out of a plane for a reason. And you ain't jumping out of a plane with a bunch of fucking dorks. If you're fucking a wingsuit, but you got an AK, and you're about to fucking dive into enemy territory and shoot a bunch of people,
I completely get it. That's a method of transport. That's a mode of transport. I understand.
That is completely different from fucking circle jerk bullshit.
which is what Skydiving Schools is full of, skydiving.
is for dorks.
you