Transcript
Yes, can we fuel the jet, clean the Pagani...
And the Bugatti and the Kernanzeig, can you put them on a plane and fly them to Europe for the summer, please?
Yes, Mr. Tate, would you like anything else?
No, that's fine. You know,
I always wondered,
You know, why those rich people said money doesn't buy happiness.
And then I was sitting here
In my executive suite of the world's top-ranked hotel globally ever, the Rosewood Hong Kong,
So
And I was thinking back to when I was poor and all those rich people would say, "You know, money doesn't buy happiness."
Wondering when they're gonna get prosecuted for fucking lying.
They're lying.
Being rich is fucking great.
I have mouthwash.
in a little container.
Look at it, you fucking coward.
Look at it.
You fucking coward.
You can't hide from destiny.
There are things that exist in the world you'll never experience. You'll never have your Pagani, you'll never have your Pagani, you'll never call your PA and just say nonsensical things.
All the mirrors in the house.
They look upside down.
Sorry, Mr. Tate, I'll look at that right away. The mirrors are a circle. There is no upside down.
Do you understand? It's just me and Tristan.
Like...
Rich people, like born rich, they have no fun.
Rich people who get rich, but they have a wife, they have no fun. But when you and your brother from a council estate get rich and stay retarded, it's the funnest thing in the world. Call your PA. All the mirrors are upside down.
And they're way too scared to correct you. I mean, you're a fucking billionaire.
You see all these staff moving mirrors? They're a circle. It's just so loud. It's a fucking thing.
Ha ha ha ha!
-
it gives you armor being rich
Hey, have you seen the news and the internet? They said this about you. Yeah.
But I'm rich as fuck.
Yeah, if you see what this poor person said,
Not really.
*shriek*
The most amazing thing about being rich is that it's actually better than I thought it would be.
It's actually better than I thought.
I knew it would be good, but there are so many things I didn't anticipate.
You know?
For example,
There isn't a female on this planet who isn't currently begging to have sex with me.
Not one. Your wife, your sister, all of them. Beg it.
BEGGING to be fucked by me. Begging. Begging.
spamming any fake account they can see, running up to me on the street, just like, "Please fornicate with me!" And I love it, because then I make these videos, and I make it very clear.
Baby mamas everywhere, never getting married.
And they still...
Just beg.
How do you as a man sit there and go,
I have a girl
who wants to get married to have my kid.
And if I was Andrew,
She'd fuck him.
without any effort.
No marriage.
No simping.
No embarrassing myself.
Andrew gets to live with his brother having a great time. I have to get married to get the same pussy Andrew would get in a fucking fraction of a fucking second. Split second. Nuclear fusion.
the fucking sun would be turning hydrogen into fucking heat. Like, and she'd be pregnant. Like, shh!
Okay.
Thank you.
it's fucking great and you get to be like really petty about stuff I'm super petty
I love being petty.
One of my favorite activities is pettiness. Andrew, what are your hobbies?
jail.
pissing off the internet and being petty.
- Thank you.
You know?
Someone will slightly annoy me four years ago.
something very small.
You know, I'll go, we'll go for dinner.
There's 10 people I haven't seen in a while.
I pay the bill because I'm rich.
Everyone says thanks except one guy.
What he doesn't know is that he has now cemented the other nine people's good fortune.
Because then I give them all the other nine people cool shit. Or I invite them places.
And when he says, why didn't you invite me? I'm not passive aggressive. No, that's not fun. I'm petty.
Four years ago,
You didn't say thank you.
when I bought you a sandwich.
So you and your children
Don't get to come to Disneyland.
because you're ungrateful.
"Sorry, bro. You know, I...
I didn't mean it. I don't even remember. Sorry. No big deal.
No, it's no big deal.
but you don't get to come.
Your children don't make memories.
*laughter*
It's a true story.
Ooh, sure said thank you.
I guess. I mean, the fuck?
I'm petty. It's funny. It's funny.
Of course it's funny. Your girlfriend calls you.
Why didn't you pay my rent?
I didn't pay your rent because I told you. If you haven't got a manicure, I can't see you because I don't like little boy hands.
I'm not one of these brokies who has to go out with a girl who has little boy hands. WORKERS' HANDS! Most men have girlfriends who have WORKERS' HANDS. They've been down in the fucking coal mine.
little boy hands all over your penis.
boy hands on your peepee. I'm not gay.
manicure, long nails, perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I did have a manicure. You did.
And if you had got it redone one day before, it would have not offended me. But I saw 0.1 millimeters of outgrowth of your finger. No.
No red.
"You're gonna kick me out over fingernails?" No, I'm gonna kick you out over not respecting
I provide and protect for you. You need to respect my words.
You are disrespectful.
You don't get to come to Disneyland either.
*sad*
Guys
Being rich is so great that I have a feeling, let me describe it to all you poor people.
I know you're broke and you don't get it. I'm going to try and give it a mouth.
Remember when you were 8?
and you'd wake up.
And all of a sudden, for no reason, you had this weird fear of dying.
when you were eight. You remember? Everyone's been through this. You were like eight or nine or ten. And you start saying to your parents, "I don't want to die!"
And you start worrying about dying randomly when you were 10.
Because life was so good, the idea of death was scary. Now, all of you at home, you don't think about dying anymore, and you don't really care if you do die. Let's be honest.
You're not waking up every day going, I hope I don't die. You're like, if I die, I die. I did my bit.
Whatever. I'm back now like when I was 10. I say to Tristan, man, this is so much fucking fun. I super don't want to die.
I hope we don't die because this is fucking great. I wake up every day excited and I super don't want to die. You wake up praying it's your last day. Maybe I'll get in a car crash.
Yes.
I don't have to pay taxes anymore.
Yes. I don't pay taxes.
You do.
So I'm in Hong Kong. I'm internationally banking. Okay. I'm internationally banking. I'm singing some karaoke with some fucking Chinese women. I was about to say bitches. Don't want to go to CCCP jail.
- -
I was singing some karaoke with some nice Chinese ladies. I'm internationally banking. I went to the Pagani showroom. Yes, they have a Pagani showroom. Interesting. In Hong Kong, I'm organizing buying one of those. Listen, I've got stuff to do and you have to go to your job.
and you go tell your boss you're on time, and you have to do your little job for your pennies.
We have different roles in life.
Don't worry about it.
She's like, "No, God."
It's destiny.
You know?
And maybe
So
One day if you're really lucky one person who you used to know will somehow manage to escape the matrix and become filthy rich And then if you say thank you nicely enough when he buys you a fucking sandwich your kids get to go to Disneyland and