Transcript
*Drums*
*Dramatic music*
you
-
*sad music*
*sad music*
Hello friends, been a while.
"It's been a while, I thought I'd bring you a treat."
Brand new Aston Martin Valhalla. And I know you love my car reviews. We all know I'm the best in the business, the best guy who's ever done it.
'cause unlike all the rest of these,
pussies
If I review a car, I buy it. I don't borrow it. It's not given to me by the brand.
I don't rent it, I buy it. Brand new, in cash, no finance. I bought my Pagani to review that, I bought my Bugatti, I bought my Koenigsegg, I bought the Valhalla, the 812 Competitions, I bought those, the SF90s bought it, GT3 bought two of those, I bought an M4 to see if it was different than the M3, which I also bought, turns out they're the fucking same. I buy the cars, 102 cars, reviewed them all. And...
The basis of my car collection, all 102 of them, is trying to find something that can outperform a McLaren 765. I have six of those cars.
It's the fastest car on the road.
And I've been very excited for a very long time about the Valhalla. When they first announced it, they said mid-engine,
We're revamping the brand. Mid-engine hybrid system, 1,000 horsepower. I thought if anything can beat a 765, it's going to be this. I am very excited.
Now, Aston Martin, this is a message to you. I know you're about to cry your eyes out. "Why is Andrew Tate the human trafficker? Andrew Tate the bad guy reviewing our cars?"
Let's get something straight.
I was accused by the most corrupt government in Europe of a crime I didn't do. I am James Bond. I travel the world. Governments are trying to get me. People are trying to kill me. Everyone's against me. I get thrown in jail. I get my ass kicked. I get back up. I never get in. I've always got a hot chick next to me. I'm always driving a sick Aston Martin. I am James Bond. I am James Bond.
James Bond himself personified. You should have given me this car for free. Instead, I had to pay $1.5 million. So don't cry your eyes out about the negative connotations and the bad press from Andrew Tate because I'm James Bond. They attack me because I'm the good guy. You should know this. All of you at home intrinsically know this. I am guilty of nothing. Romania is a corrupt shithole. Everything they say is a fucking lie.
Thank you.
So I'm James Bond and this is my Aston. And you know what? Isn't the spec beautiful? Isn't the spec gorgeous with the gold accents?
and the chromatic red. I wonder who came up with such a beautiful spec. Who would have thought of that?
I did. I specced it. And from a pure aesthetic point of view, she is beautiful. We can all admit she's beautiful. I have such high hopes, such high expectations. She's a beautiful car. Looks absolutely gorgeous. The exhaust here on the top,
The wing, when that pops, wait till that pops. The license plate, I'll let you work out what that is because I'm cool. Even the lights at the back, the way these brake lights work,
The little blades of crystal, unbelievable. Amazing looking mid-engine hybrid 1000 horsepower, the revamp of the Aston Martin brand. I'm extremely excited to drive this car. But unfortunately, I've already identified the first thing that pisses me off.
Aston Martin. You're gonna cry your eyes out that I review your car when you should have given it to me for free when I'm gonna start complaining. First things first.
When you open this car door, there's a tiny little button which is hard to locate.
here underneath the door. No big deal, you work out where it is, and you know for the future. No big deal, right? Shouldn't be hard. But for some reason, Aston Martin have put two buttons down there. One opens the door, and the other one locks the car. So as you put your hand underneath to feel for the button to open the door, you accidentally relock the car, and the windows start closing.
So then you go unlock it again, like a dipshit. I'm James Bond, the enemy's after me. The Romanians are trying to put me in jail for something I didn't do. They're accusing me of human trafficking. The dickhead executives who work for Aston Martin are stupid enough to believe the British media and the Romanian media after getting the COVID injection as if they haven't been lied to enough. Everyone's out to get me. I'm James Bond, spent $1.5 million trying to get away. I go to open my car door,
Quickly, because the enemy's all around, and as I go to open my car door, there's a little tiny button, and I press the button, open door open, and I lock the car.
Why?
Why? Why not just have one button that opens the door?
Or if you're going to have another lock button, why not put some separation between them? Why put them as close as a pussy and an asshole? What's the fucking point?
Wrong hole.
Unbelievable. First thing that annoyed me, but you know what? We're not going to get mad. It's fine. It's fine. It's okay.
Calm down, no big deal. So we're gonna feel around a bit, find the right bum.
Not this one, it's this one.
And then you're gonna open the heaviest door in the world. You know, I'm a strong man and these doors are heavy. I have a lot of cars where the doors go up and these are the heaviest of them all. Your girlfriend is not closing this door. When your girlfriend gets in this car and tries to close the door, she ain't gonna close it. You're gonna be leaning over, pulling it forward. It's a full workout. This door weighs a ton. I don't know why it's so heavy. I don't know what hinge it's on or something. Work it out.
However, we're gonna get it done. So, nice little gym session there.
heaviest door there's ever been.
Right, how does it feel to be inside of an Aston Martin Valhalla?
First things first, I have to complain.
Aston, I want you to know, I'm trying to, listen, I've been very excited about this car for a very long time. I'm not trying to be negative, but the visibility is shit.
It's like a slit.
It's like I'm looking out of a burka.
I can barely see anything, but it's okay. I'll pull it off, but I won't be able to see like,
Stop signs, traffic lights, things above me.
or things below me. I've got like a little limited range of vision.
Never really had this in a supercar before. This is probably the worst
visibility I've ever experienced, but no big deal, whatever.
iPad iPad you know
It looks really nice inside, but that's down to me and my specking.
Looks nice.
We're gonna see if it feels nice when we're driving it. We're gonna start her now.
Oh, Aston Martin, you motherfuckers, don't piss me off.
Don't
piss me off.
I spent $1.5 million on a car.
and there's nowhere to put the key. I have had enough of this bullshit
From you fucking car manufacturers. I have a key. It needs to go somewhere. I don't want it in my pocket. It falls down the edge of the seat.
I don't want it in a cup holder rattling all over the place. It should have a nice slot that I can put it in. How difficult is it to give me a slot for the key?
I expect better of Aston Martin specifically because it's your whole thing.
I know all about Aston Martins. I've had over 30 of your cars.
I got my first Vantage S back in 2009. I've had the Vanquishes, I have the Valhalla, I have the Vantages.
I have all of them.
I have every Aston Martin.
The V12 Vantage, the V8 Vantage, I have everything.
The key
goes in and you push it. Remember, you had a slot and you'd put it in, and it'd be emotive. You didn't even call it the key. You called it the ECU, the Emotional Control Unit. That's what you used to call it back when you were being cringy. But I didn't mind.
I'd take the ECU and I'd put it into the slot and I'd press it and it would flash red and the whole car would start up. And now here we are with your brand new flagship model. The relaunch of the brand. I've got a key and nowhere to fucking put it. Don't piss me off.
Who the fuck works at Aston Martin? How stupid are you fucking people?
Where the fuck does my key go?
You know this. You've done this before. You know better.
How difficult is it to give me one nice place for my key? I have nowhere to fucking put it.
I've got random slip. What do these slots do? Nothing. It could easily be a key holder. Why did you fail on this level? Who is going to lose their job?
It's just unnecessary. You're just fumbling.
You're dropping the ball for no reason, because the details matter. It matters that when I get into my 765,
I have a place for my key. I get in my Huracan Evo. I have a place for my key. I get in my Pagani Utopia. I have a place for my key. I get in my Pagani Hyura.
I have a place for my key. I get in my Kurt and Zagiesko. I have a place for my key. I get in my Bugatti Chiron. I've got a place for my key. I get in my Valhalla and I haven't got a place for my fucking key.
'Cause some prick
who works at Aston Martin, decided he wanted to piss me off.
Thank you.
It's the relaunch.
It's the relaunch. You can't be fucking making mistakes like this, Aston.
I want my key to fucking go somewhere.
Unbelievable.
I'm fucking believe we're going to put it on my fucking ass.
What the fuck? I'm already... What the fuck am I gonna do with this?
here so it can fall all over fucking i'll be driving fast it's gonna come out at light speed hit a in her eye they're gonna accuse me of beating her up back to jail is that your plan
Is it that I haven't been through enough?
I'm James Bond. I'm your boy.
I'm going to go.
Aston Martin, I know you're watching this. I know someone sent this to you.
Design team, guys, wake the fuck up. The brand is dying.
Bond is gone. I'm the last superhero. They've replaced him with a fucking black chick. You need to take over. You've given up on the front engine cruisers because you know you need mid-engine supercars. You've relaunched and you've given us no place to put the fucking key. Fucking stop it. Stupid two buttons next to each other near the door. Stop this dumb shit.
*Sigh*
Okay.
Well, that's on, I guess.
Is it on? I can barely see the screen. It's powering up. Okay, so that's on. Because it's a hybrid car, it turns on without making engine noise.
You know?
Maybe I can put the key in the glove box.
Ah.
There is no glove box.
There's no trunk
And there's no glove box.
If you have a bag to take with you,
If you want to carry your firearm,
There's nowhere to put it.
You have no glove box and no frunk and no trunk and no slot for your key.
Nothing.
Not a fucking thing, just two iPads.
Unbelievable. Apple CarPlay, duh. Who doesn't have Apple CarPlay?
And then you have
We have drive mode.
telemetry, assistance, lights, vehicles,
I never really go through the infotainment systems on the cars I review.
because
I like women.
So who gives a shit? You just load up Apple CarPlay anyway. But one thing that's particularly annoying about these new Astons is for some reason, everything is mega assistance.
So you go to assistance, you start your car, and automatically you have the following assistance modes on: Driver Attention Assist.
Blind spot assist, traffic sign assist, lane keep assist, automatic emergency braking, sensitivity level of the automatic emergency braking. It's like,
It's like a robotic dildo.
Turn all this off. I don't want any of this. Turn off. No assistance. Off.
But every time you start the car, you have to go into the menu and turn it off. Otherwise, the robot dildo fucks you. If you keep all that on, you're not even fucking driving, bro.
The machines, you're not even fucking driving it by that point.
What's the point in spending $1.5 million to let the AI machine drive the car for you?
And don't even get me started on the fact that the car has once again asked me if I want to be in online mode or offline mode.
Remember when the GT3 tried to connect me to the Matrix so they could upload a virus that stopped the brakes working to kill me?
That is a James Bond plot. You know it is.
Aston, and now you want me to connect my new Valhalla to the fucking Matrix, to the mainframe, to the simulation.
so that while I'm driving trying to evade my enemies, you can upload a virus which prevents my car from operating at maximum efficiency.
That is exactly what my enemy would do.
So I need a car which is disconnected from the mainframe.
Because of course the bad guy controls the mainframe. That's how the fucking movies work.
Why do you need to know the size of my dick for me to drive a car?
Why do we have to tell you everything about everything? Oh, it's just online mode where we measure your heart rate as you hold onto the steering wheel and the size of your schlong
Why?
Guys,
Ice speed.
Okay.
I speed.
I drive too fast.
I overtake on the lanes I'm not supposed to overtake on. I drive how I fucking want.
If I agree to online mode and I have all this assistance on,
like lane keep assist, which means it can read lanes. It's going to read that I've overtaken where I'm not supposed to overtake, where I'm going 300, where I'm supposed to be going 30. It's going to upload all this information to the fucking cloud, and the Romanians are going to put you back in jail.
That's what's going to happen.
So no.
I don't want my car to be online. I don't want my car to be chat fucking GPT. I don't want to tell you the size of my dick and the weight of my balls. I just want the car to work and I want a slot for my fucking key.
That's it.
I'm starting to think you motherfuckers who work at Aston Martin might be pussy niggers. I'm
I didn't want to say it.
Now if I turn this,
into Sport Plus, the engine begins. And perhaps once the engine begins, the positives about this car can begin.
OK, friends, here we are.
This is my hope to beat the 765. My entire car collection is based on me trying to out-compete. A McLaren 765. I bought 102 cars and I can't find a single car that can do it. Nothing will beat that thing around a track. Nothing. Even the Bugatti Chiron Pure Sport loses to the 765 around a track. That's how fast that car is. And when I heard about Aston Martin making the Valhalla,
Mid engine.
thousand horsepower hybrid system i got excited
Very excited for this car. I bought two of them and I have high hopes now so far I
I've found some niggles that annoy me. I'm already mad.
But we're going to give Aston Martin the benefit of the doubt because you could forgive Niggles
You can forgive niggles if it does what it's supposed to do. We've all got that girl who nags and complains, but she does her job right when the night lights go off.
You know?
When the lights go off, she's worth the headache.
So I can forgive the niggles if it does exactly what it's supposed to do. So we started here in EV mode, electric vehicle mode.
and you get a whopping
nine kilometers of electric vehicle power.
You know what's amazing to me?
Ferrari with the SF90 managed to build the best hybrid car like six years ago. It's been six years and they have the fastest car in EV only mode with the most range. A Ferrari gives you, oh it's telling me I'm already out of battery. And if I put my foot down in EV mode, it's slower than the SF.
Why? Put the engine on. Put it into Sport Plus. Start the engine up. Why?
Is a six-year-old Ferrari SF90 in electric-only mode faster than the new Valhalla? Why?
Does it also have more range than the new Valhalla? How did Ferrari get it so right?
six years of battery technology and still,
None of the new cars, the Revualto,
Nope.
The EV mode sucks. The Aston, the EV mode sucks. The Ferrari, the EV mode is actually usable. You're faster than most normal cars in traffic for a good 20 or 30 kilometer. It's really useful.
But here we are.
So we're going to recharge the battery with the engine.
And guys, this is the first time I've ever driven this car in my life. So you're going to get a lot of first impressions. But to be honest with you, a lot of my first impressions so far are niggles. I don't like...
Certain things I'm seeing I don't like it. I
I don't like that the steering wheel has all these buttons I'm going to accidentally press. I don't like that beeping. I don't know what it is. I don't know why it's beeping. I don't like that the parking sensors turn on automatically when I get near other cars. Of course I'm near other cars. I'm on a fucking road, bruv. I'm on a road.
There's cars near me on the road.
Yes!
You don't have to turn on the sensors. I've gone here into the infotainment system, into assistance. I've turned off assistance. Every time I start the car, it starts with every fucking gay version of assistance. Driver attention assist, blind spot assist, traffic sign assist, lane departure assist, lane keep assist, automatic emergency braking. I've had to go through and manually turn off everything, otherwise I barely drive the car.
What's the point? I didn't spend 1.5 million dollars for someone else to drive the car for me. Yeah, let me just get this hot girlfriend and then let a robot fuck her.
The fuck?
Fuck off.
I have to manually turn all that crap off.
The EV mode sucks. I'm getting mad. Andrew. Woosah! Woosah!
- Woosah, we haven't opened her up yet.
She might fuck.
You know?
Let's all take a chill pill. Guys, calm down.
So I'll calm down. Not like I've spent three million dollars on two Valhalla's. It's not like I have a lot riding on this. Otherwise, my entire car, why does it keep beeping?
It keeps beeping and coming up with some fucking parking sensor notification Like it's turning on the sensors I don't understand why it would do that How do I turn this shit off? Stop doing that
You're embarrassing yourself in a car review Valhalla, Aston Martin, stop that Turn off all this assistance shit No one wants this crap Stop
Please. However, the interior is beautiful, but that's a lot to do with me.
That's a lot to do with my spec that I chose.
You know?
A lot of that's to do with me.
to be honest.
Thank you.
But she looks gorgeous inside.
She really does look gorgeous.
Alright, I need to see if there's a saying or something I'm missing.
Am I retarded?
drive. Okay, we've got drive mode, we've got trip assist, got navigation, got media. There it goes again.
Don't understand it.
Now, another thing I have to complain about, and I'm sure the car is going to be something good to say soon, but I'm just talking as they come. You know, I'm just firing the bullets as they're loaded
out of this car fucking blows, bro. You can barely see.
Anything.
You can't see traffic lights ahead of you, above you.
ahead if there's like a street sign you can't see it you can't see anything up it's like you can see eye level but
It's the worst visibility of any supercar I've ever been in.
You can't see fucking anything.
Yeah, assistance off. I want all assistance off.
I'm doing my best guys, I don't know what the fuck's going on with this car
park distance control and surround view system is currently unavailable. That's fine.
So why do you keep beeping?
Stay unavailable and fuck off.
Anyway.
I like the square steering wheel.
That's good.
The square steering wheel is nice.
The gear changes.
I mean, I haven't really opened up yet. It's still in Sport Plus. It's not in Race.
Thank you.
I am a stickler for gearboxes. I like...
I like my gearboxes sharp. I like 'em like BAM!
Bam! Change gear. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
I don't like this.
I don't like...
No.
I want it instantaneous. I need to be one with the machine.
You know?
It's not in race yet and I'm not hammering it, so I can't really complain.
about the gearbox yet, because we're in Sport Plus around the city in traffic. Maybe it's going to get a bit better. We're going to see.
-
Alright, just put the sensors on. See if that helps anything. No, it doesn't help shit, of course.
I know you want to know how it feels to drive this car, and I want to tell you. But the problem is, I can only really compare it to other supercars, because I have all of them. And you have none of them, because you're poor. So the difficulty I am having, despite my fantastic grasp of the English language, is explaining to you how it feels to drive one of the most premier prestige vehicles that exists on the planet Earth,
exist on planet Earth, because I have all of them, and that is my reference point, and you have none of them. And I have to now translate this entire experience into Brokey.
I need to explain it to a poor man Who I Like I should be able to say to you
If you were half a fucking man, if you weren't a fucking loser, I would say to you, it feels remarkably similar to the SF9.
if I had my eyes closed,
and I was just driving, I would say, yeah, I'm an SF90. Feels like an SF, except it doesn't have as good, or as powerful, or as long range an electrical system, so you may as well go get the SF. That is what I would say. Now the power,
It is instantaneous. I give it that. That's the one good thing about these cars with the hybrid systems. You put your foot down, bam, it goes. Same as the SF.
to go and it goes through the gears.
as you rev out each gear.
It's not like a 765 where you feel the turbos come in and kick in halfway through the rev range, no.
very linear power.
Very linear.
the hallway through the gear,
You put your foot down, the power goes all the way through the gear.
Same as the SF. It feels very much like the SF90, remarkably similar to the SF90.
But the SF90 is six years old.
Aston Martin shouldn't be competing with a six-year-old car. They should be surpassing and beating a six-year-old car. They shouldn't be competing with it.
Why is the car beeping, telling me about assistance? Why do I have to turn off all this assistance all the time? I don't want to do this. Just let me drive the car. I don't want assistance. I don't want it. Why is my steering wheel covered in buttons?
Beep, beep, beep, beep, gay alarm. Gay alarm. Aston Martin's gay. Fuck off, bruv.
I'm so mad. I want my $3 million back.
Get my money back.
"Rum me my peas."
I'm never going to drive this.
Right. So we've got it in Sport+. It's not in race. It's in Sport+. We're going to see how she feels. Like I said, so far...
Yeah.
So far...
She's an SF90.
But to be honest, maybe even a little bit less sharp when the gear changes.
She's fast. Now, I'm not saying she's slow. She's quick. She's quick.
But an SF90 is also quick. I hate, I'm not trying to lick Ferrari's ass.
don't pay me fuck them italian punks too fuck them they don't pay me nothing they should but they don't i'm just comparing the 1000 horsepower hypercar to the 1000 horsepower hypercar which is six years older as a platform and i expect to be blown away and it really feels like an sf90 to me it feels it's got the same pull the same throttle
corresponds. It feels the fucking same. I promise you. If my eyes were closed, I would guarantee you I'm in an SF. It feels like an SF. I know they're both hybrid supercars. I get it. But I expected a different feeling. Also, strangely, when you've got it in Sport Plus like this, the battery doesn't charge more than half. The battery is only up to half. Unlike the Ferrari, which charges up to full as soon as you put the engine on, which is what it should do. So you can
Maybe if I put it into Sport instead of Sport Plus, it'll start charging the battery. No, because Sport, it doesn't even use the battery, it looks like. From what I can see in the infotainment system, it looks like in Sport, it only uses the engine. The battery isn't being used. But it doesn't want to fully charge for some reason. I can't tell you why. I don't know why. We'll drive a little bit in Sport and see if we gain some power, some juice.
Let's put her in a race.
She's in race now, everything she's got.
Not particularly loud or particularly impressive note from the exhaust. Ah, I just saw my air brake come up for the first time. That must only happen in race. I just saw it in my rear view, my air brake came up. That's cool.
Air brakes are cool.
Everyone knows air brakes are cool.
Okay.
It's like a "fuck you" on the person you overtake, you know? It's like, "I overtook you, hi."
Thank you.
You know, I tried to make you look cool, car.
I just tried to make you look cool.
I hyped up your air brake.
I just did you a favor and then
I don't know why this keeps coming up. It keeps telling me my parking sensors, like my,
near other car sensors thing keeps coming on. And I don't see any setting to turn it off anywhere.
Oh, you're not the only gonna make stupid noises, Carr.
Last Aston, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to stop the beeping I hear, I'll crash into a fucking tree and kill myself.
I can't imagine him. I'm here guys. I'm here guys.
I'm here, fellas. I'll ride it out with you. We'll handle the beeping like men.
Where the fuck you bivin' at? Cunts.
I'm Romanian. I drive my Romanian car on the Romanian roads. Yeah, well, I'm English. You know what? And I'm in an Aston Martin in your fucking country. I drive it how the fuck I want. How about that? I'm James fucking Bond. I'm James Bond. There's no Romanian James Bond.
So fucking suck it.
suck my dick my pool up fucking faggot right race mode let's run it
see what we got here see what we got here thousand horsepower hybrid system four -wheel drive got air brake brand new vahala seven kilometers on the clock parking sensors are broken beeping for no reason engine ain't warmed up definitely going to be able
can explode and that's what it deserves for beeping at me brand new car you have to wear it in and drive slow for the first 500 kilometers i ain't broke i'm not poor i don't have to do that
overtake this nigger sorry i shouldn't use racial slurs in my car reviews see a nigger air brake comes up can't see anything out the back that's fine not having view out your rear
your air brake is actually cool as fuck sorry i can't see anything my air brakes in the way that's acceptable no complaints here finally an uptick finally a cool point losing visibility for flex factor nice nice kind of shit i like to see this car feels shallow
I understand the infotainment system. Not in a good intuitive I understand it way. Just in a oh cool there's hardly any options way. I put it into race maximum super race mode. I'm driving it. There's no stress. It's easy. It's not like a yes go which keeps you nervous. It's not like a McLaren that's twitchy. It's just like yeah maximum race. Okay drive. Yeah it's fine. I feel like I've completed it. I feel like I've completed the car and I spent most of this time in traffic.
Does the exhaust sound good? It sounds okay. But it ain't anything that special. I mean, you can hear it. But it's not like V12. There's no pops. There's no bangs. It's not like my Yesco. There's no bang, bang, bang. There's no fucking drama. It's just like...
You know? And I'm here singing George Michael, like the fucking coolest man alive. I guess the Cupid was in disguise.
didn't change my life. This car ain't amazing. In fact, I'm kind of bored of it. I wanna go home and get my Yesco. At least that car is fun to drive. This Aston is boring. My Aston is boring.
Da -da -da, da -da -da.
Da-da-da, da-da-da. Where's my hose? The da-da hose. I need some girls in the car. Da-da-da-da-da. A little synchronized dance, some little black ones. You know, some little fucking, like the slave. Get a little fucking slave and fucking, you know? Background singers, background dancers. That's what I need. Some fucking sluts. What am I doing out here in the villages? To go back to the city and get my fucking bitches. Put them to work.
Let's run it, baby.
Yes, this cupid is in disguise. She's quick. She's quick. She's an SF9. It's SF9. Guys, that's the end of the review. It's an SF9. It's an SF9 with a less impressive EV only mode. That's it. I know you don't have an SF9 either. That's a you problem. Get your money up.
the 765 when those turbos hit that feeling in your stomach it ain't here with this car same with the sf it's very linear it's quick it's all like you know in a row linear power there's no boosts there's no ups and downs there's no lag but that's all character that's why i'm
you know?
Alright, I'm pushing her a little bit here.
And you know what?
Very capable. I'm not saying it's incapable, but you do kind of feel a little bit a little bit of the weight. Hate to say it, a little bit of understeer, a tiny bit of like you come into the corner
You can't quite steer in as much as you want it to just because of the weight of the car. Tiny, tiny bit.
Hate to admit it. Yeah, you can feel the weight.
She looks sexy as fuck though. I see myself in a reflection and she looks fucking gorgeous.
She is beautiful, isn't she? Maybe I was too negative yesterday. Look at her. She's
And to be honest, to give a fair review, I need to take her on a track. But I have no track here at the moment. So I'm thinking maybe it's a new day. Yesterday I was pretty negative. She's beautiful. I know yesterday we had an argument, dear, but you still got nice titties. It's a new day. Let's forget all about yesterday. Let's go for a little cruise around the city, see if I can find something positive to say.
You know? However, before we do that, I am going to complain again. Because last night when the cameras were off, I tried to fill her up.
and I noticed something that annoyed me.
So let me lift up the heaviest door in the world. Let me make sure I'm pressing the right button. Otherwise, I'll lock the car. And you'll notice here that to open up the side flap to charge the car, the button is down here.
.
and to open up the fuel tank
To
Put gas in, the button is up here.
on the door.
You can see it.
And I don't really understand why we have two separate buttons for each thing. Let me turn the car on and show you.
I believe that's both of them. So you charge the car here. Pretty cool, huh? You open it up. You plug it in. It's pretty cool. But it doesn't open automatically.
is the other side of the same thing. You open it up here,
- Yeah.
and you put your gas in.
Thank you.
But why is there two separate buttons to get that done? Surely there should be a button that unlocks both sides.
And then you just lift up the one you want, because the one that you don't want will stay down anyway. Why do you have two separate buttons for each side, and why are the two buttons in completely different places? Why is one on the door and one randomly by the side of the steering wheel? Am I making sense? There should be one unlock button for the side flaps. And then you can open up the one you want and put them away. Without two separate buttons in two separate places, it just feels like an afterthought. I don't know, I'm a professional.
You know? They should have had one button. I don't like that. But it's a niggle. Unfortunately, with this car, the niggles are adding up. So, I'm going to stop complaining now. I'm going to take it for a little drive. I am going to do a track day review of her one day, and perhaps I'll be a lot less negative. But for now, we're going to go for a little poodle around the city. A little poodle.
You know?
real gangsters
Real killers
G's, Pong Road, what they do is they go for a little poodle.
Let's go, guys.
So I'm very conscious of the fact that I've done nothing but complain about this car. And I'm a positive man. I don't want to complain. You know, I want to say nice things. So what good things do I have to say? Is it quick? Yeah, it's fast. It's a fast car. Is it surprisingly, blisteringly fast for a man who has every supercar in the world? No. But it is a fast car. If it's your first supercar, you're going to say it's quick. You're not going
completely wrong with it. No. So many little issues add up. I'm even thinking, because of the poor visibility out the front, in my McLaren 765, I've got glass in the roof above these doors that are hinged. So it feels a lot brighter. It feels so dark in here. It feels really dark. It feels confined. There's no light coming in. Even on the sunniest day, you're going to feel like you're sitting in the dark. No need for that. Aston should have put some
the fact that if I adjust the steering wheel, the screen and the steering wheel move up and down together, you see? But the reason I'm adjusting the steering wheel is because I can't see the top of the screen.
it's only the top centimeter but it's the time it's the date it's the temperature so for me to see the temperature i have to move my head down like this i can't move the steering wheel independent from the screen why don't leave the screen fixed and let me move the steering wheel where i want i'm six foot three is it cramped in here no i've got room but i can't see the top of the screen and there's nothing i can do about it besides hunch down and pretend i'm sure it's just unnecessary
Well, the seats don't adjust or move back, up, down, nothing. They move forward, back, but they're fixed like race seats, so not particularly.
So what would you use this car for? Because you don't want to take it on a long road trip across Europe because you have no luggage space. And you don't want long drives because the seats aren't comfortable. I mean, they're not uncomfortable, but they're not comfortable. So the only thing this car is for is blistering performance. This is a race car. You accept that there's nowhere to put your bag. You accept that it's uncomfortable because it is a race car. It's
it's not the fastest thing on the road why am i spending a million pounds on it why am i spending 1.5 million dollars mine was fully spec'd 1.5 1.6 million for something that's not the fastest when i can get a 765 that feels quicker is more emotive
has luggage space, has space inside the cabin, is brighter, is lighter, is funner to drive for half the money.
This needs to be the quickest thing that money can buy.
That's its only party trick.
And I just don't feel like it really is. And I'm so disappointed because this was supposed to be the 765 killer. That was going to dethrone the king of my collection.
It's comfortable to drive around the city. Yeah, it's comfortable enough. But I don't want comfortable. I want brutality. I wanted pops, bangs. I wanted Aston Martin, big growling James Bond. I wanted the big engine making a bunch of noise.
I wanted drama. I wanted to forget about the electric system because I'm so busy listening to the shotgun firing out the back of my car. I didn't want this neutered, you know. I can't even hear the exhaust. Okay, I can put it in race and you hear it a tiny bit, but where's the emotion? Where's the drama? This car, like I said before, it's just so shallow. I bought it. I drove it.
it ain't all that impressive. I found 25 small things that annoy me. They're not big deals. They just culminate. They add up over time. They make you think, by the time you check to do this and there's no thing here. Okay, the beeping is gone that we had the problem with yesterday, because I guess that was just a one-off. That random beeping is gone. That's nice. But there's nowhere to put my key. There's nowhere to put my phone.
something, Aston. Give me something. There's no noise. It's dark. It's got bad visibility. Where's, give me something. If, if, if what you're going to give me is speed, then where is it? Because it's fast. Yes. Very fast. But in the realm of hypercars, which is the realm I live in,
it's around mid range. I mean, it's SF90 fast. That's how fast it is. That's it.
Well, well, well, what do I say? Four liter V8 hybrid system. It's a fast car. I'm all saying it's slow. It's quick, but there's so many little niggles, so many small oversights. It makes me wonder like who's in charge at your design team, Aston Martin?
Hire me. I know you're billions of dollars in debt. I've got the billions, I'll give you the money. I don't even want a paycheck. I'll do it for free. I know what car drivers want because I have every car. There was no need for all these silly little mistakes and it shouldn't be a big deal, but it's the relaunch. It's the first mid-engined Aston Martin
There's no room for error.
tiny little mistakes it's kind of upsetting it's a shame you know it is a very capable machine there's no doubt about it it is quick i know i'm a harsh critic but when you drive an aston martin you expect emotion it's an emotive experience i wanted pops and bangs and giddy laughter and a feeling in my stomach i wanted it to be like wow this is different than every other mid-engine supercar i feel that this is an aston martin listen to the noise of it the sound of it and
It's a little bit sterile. Where's the emotional control unit?
Those are the days of Aston Martin I miss.
So all in all,
It's a very capable tool.
But when you buy an Aston Martin,
You're not looking for a tool.
You're looking for a friend.
you