Transcript
I'm gonna feed you for ice cream nigger. We're gonna have so much fun, right Tristan? You can't beat me, you can't beat me. Just like Smash Bros. As long as we have fun...
You can't beat me, you can't beat me. Just like Smash Bros. As long as we have fun.
Remember when I promised you an amazing birthday present from house arrest? Yes. We were locked in our house and we couldn't leave because you're a fucking human trafficker. Okay. And I promised you a fantastic birthday present.
And then you got excited, and then I gave you a cake. But I had eaten some of the cake myself. I do remember that, yes. That's right. Did you enjoy your present? No.
Well, luckily for you, the cake wasn't your actual present. There is an actual present. And now that we're free from house arrest, even though you're still a human trafficker, we're going to collect it now.
You're not a classic car car. But you have to admit this is the prettiest car in the world. Happy birthday, friend. No three-point seatbelts, just a nice round the waist. This is the prettiest car in the world. This is the best car that's ever been made. Look at that smile.
It's beautiful, even I have to admit, I'm more of a Jesco Bugatti man. I'm not a classic car guy, but this is absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful. I really think it is the single most beautiful car in the world. And it's iconic. It's going to become the most famous car in the world. The Bugatti's about to be replaced with this.
I won't miss you. Now I've got you in my sight.
With a golden eye.
Golden, golden eye. Golden eye. Golden eye.
What a car. What's the miles go up? 795 is all it's done. Oh nice. Is that the button to drop the box? Do not touch the red button. So if you had this back in the day, were you the man? This was the Bugatti Chiron of 1963. If you had this, you were the man. How fast does it go? Maybe 150, 160. Wait, is that kilometers or miles? Miles. There's no way this is 150 miles per hour. There is. Are you smoking?
T, this has got to be the one car that we ban smoke in. Look at the interior. This is a pristine vehicle. There's only a few working in the entire world. None are this pristine and you're smoking.
T, we can't let smoking be had in this car. We've got to ban smoking in the car. We've got to preserve it as best as we can. I'm not sure that's true. I think you can't tell me what to do.
Alright, now that we're on the road, tell me about it, first impression. It's a miracle of engineering. I cannot believe how old this car is. And how good it drives
It's actually super smooth. It's incredible as a car. To think that this was bought for the first time by somebody who potentially fought in World War II and bought this car in his 30s. To think that's how old this car is. It's unbelievable. I genuinely can't believe it.
What a wonderful vehicle.
You can put some miles on it. I'm going to put all the miles on it, baby. All the miles I have in my soul. It feels like very mechanical, like an actual machine, like you're in charge of a machine. There's no computers involved. It's a truly unique driving experience, and I can see, even by testing the power out, that's faster than a lot of modern normal people.
best car in the world. Well Mr. Bond, life's never been simple so of course it's gonna be a little bit interesting and unique to drive but truly I mean I'm not a classic car guy but if I had to have a classic car it's stunning. It's absolutely stunning.
He has not to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows and did it my way.
Real man's cardio
Sunshine
He is hiding in the shade. When's the last time you spoke to the sun? If I were you, I'd get a lunchbox. I'm about to take you to school.
Tristan, you got a rubber duck? You got a rubber duck?
Have you? You even got a cone. I'm about to take a bath.
You can't steal his own phrase.
Do you have a cone? I'm taking you for ice cream, nigger. I'm taking you for ice cream, nigger.
My threats to me make no sense. I'm taking you for ice cream, nigger.
It's cool, man. Got red bottoms on. Life is good. You know what I mean?
I was in the shop, serial cocaine, ain't been the same fence. I was in the shop, serial cocaine, ain't been the same fence. That's by the time I call Serena, I go tremendo for new Fettuccine. I'm fat though, clarity pink. I'm fat though, part of my piece. I'm in the loop with the Vood. I'm in the loop with the Woo.
I put your face on the news. I put your puss on the shirt. After I murked it, man go shoot up the hearse. Cost me a quarter of a bird. Niggas murked in. You a maniac. I'm fucking alien. How you spurning? I get straight. You can't have any fun with it. You going murked in.
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- Come on, come on.
I can't hang on you.
I can't hear you, you can't hear me. Because those are the nicest clothes you're on.
-
I'm gonna try. Either put 50 in or fold.
That's what we did. You're Romanian now. You look like. Thank you. See? Tristan, you don't like his denim shorts. His trousers denim. His shorts denim.
You can't hate on Deneen, Tristan. Top of the line, Deneen, bro. I can hate. We have so many Nepalese and Pakistanese. Marcel, I love the Deneen. Very good choice. We're here for Tristan's birthday to pay broker. Happy birthday, T. Shut up. I think I'm the first person to tell you that, actually, because it's technically not your birthday. Happy birthday. Guys, so I brought you all here for a reason.
As you all know, Tristan famously doesn't like birthdays. So when you're a multi-millionaire and your brother doesn't like birthdays, what you normally do is you pull out all the stops to put together something so fantastic that even he has to admit his birthday is good. But we're not going to do that. Instead, what we're going to do is make sure that we all have the best
time ever on his birthday. As long as we have fun, he can stay miserable. So tomorrow is the happiest day of the year for us. Fuck him for us. It's going to be the greatest time ever. We're the best friends ever. We're going to have so much fun. Right, Tristan?
Fucking play or not? Yeah, that's good. Put your fucking grinder phone away. Just fucking plus. Just like Smash Bros.
You try and like go all in, you try and like come at me.
Just like Smash Bros? This table is a little bit too hood anyway. You know, we're all dressed up nice.
One person sitting in a baseball cafe, ain't a race thing because Nigel's dressed well.
I'm just saying. It's not a race thing, but there's space behind the bar.
You got bills to pay. You got bills to pay and you're out. You got bills to pay.
I'll have a hot chocolate. I'll take it all back. It is a race thing.
You know what it actually is? Yeah, that's right. At the back. Oh, look at this.
Nigel Freeman's allowed to be here.
He's one of the free ones. He's got the papers. He keeps it in his suit jacket pocket. There's the trip.
You guys are lucky bro, if I had...awww you guys are lucky!
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm looking right now. When we play poker on the boat, this is the shit that's gonna make us all just stand up and throw you over.
This is exactly when you're gonna get thrown over. He'll be like,
"You can't beat me, you can't beat me!" We're all gonna look at each other and just throw you straight in the... Oh, you're lucky I'm not playing this hand right now, bro. Can you beat me, though? My tactic of having less chips than you makes me nimble and quick.
So I'm relying on speed. - $19,400 all in blind.
Bye bye Tristan. Nice knowing you. I'm built different. I'm not scared. The difference between you and me is that I'm not scared. That's the difference between us both. 9,800 total. Okay, so that's how much? You call? Yeah, I call. Okay. Tristan, I'm calling it now. You have Jackson 5. Showdown, showdown. Pocket Aces, my boy. I told you you were going to win.
Okay.
*laughter* I knew it. I knew it. *laughter* Jackson 5, pocket aces.
- -
- There's a jack. - Nice. - He's got a jack. - He's a five.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
No 10, no 10. Jackson 5!
Why did you think you motherfuckers stood a chance against the Jackson 5? Why did you think you stood a single chance in hell against the Jackson 5? I don't know what y'all niggas was thinking. You must have a motherfucking death.
You can't beat the Jackson 5. You think the A's will be Jackson 5? Are you mad? Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Tristan.
Happy birthday to you! Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah!
- Yeah! - Yes! - I fold, bro. It's your birthday, I fold. - Yes! All right! Happy-- This night's neat, guys. Rad. - Guys, we just woke up. I'm having my first cup of coffee in the morning. We can't start the day with big tasties.
Tristan, I love you to death. It's your birthday and happy birthday.
But I don't have a morning big tasty
Okay, I'm gonna break the fourth wall. The tradition is to order as much
unhealthy fast food is humanly possible over the course of the entire day. It's gonna start with Big Tasty's, then it's gonna go to KFC, then it's gonna go to this, then it's gonna go to that, then it's gonna go to pizza, then it's gonna go to KFC.
All day.
until you physically can't move because your stomach's so full of shit. There's Marcel.
Thank you. Thank you for being the voice of reason amongst the madness.
Put that down and eat your big taste. This isn't the good thing. Put that down and eat your big taste.
Marcel, thank you. Morning Big Tasty's is not the way. That's not a good birthday plan. You're the person.
Does this make you want to throw up having it first thing in the morning right after you wake up? It's 12 o'clock, Lucas. I can't think. Well, we were out late last night for you.
Good morning, sir. Top of the morning.
- Breakfast is ready. - This is real life. We're contemplating what to do for Tristan's birthday. Marcel's tapping out. He doesn't want big tasties. - Andrew, as you know, baby's a little bitch with the appetite of a little girl. - Shut up. - Everything we eat is a group. I put on his desk. He currently has one big taste. This is the beginning. This is the beginning. One big taste for you.
No, no, no.
I really don't want to. I know, but that's what we're voting for. We can veto this
- What? - Whatever this plan is. - Oh, you can. And I will stay home by myself, eating big casey. - Casey's on what?
Let's invoke all your fizz, doctor. I'm not gonna lie. Alright, listen.
I do think there's a better plan than sitting here and eating so much we feel sick.
I think that is a shit waste of the day.
But it is his brother. I knew he was his brother. He should have come out yesterday.
It was sick. It was sick. It was sick. I know, bro. It was sick. I took my $2 million. Why don't we go out to a very nice restaurant and have some very nice food?
and do something very nice. - I'm just scared to be pissed.
- I'm not gonna-- - Oh, fuck. I'll do it, bro, I'll do it. I'm just saying that this-- Let's go. All right, I'll match. Whatever you eat, I'll eat.
And with these other niggers, if they can't keep up, then they're just pussy-ass niggers. Let's go. Come on, it's his birthday. Come on, sit down.
We already ate Big Tixie. We've all eaten Big Tixie. Baby's Big Tixie is here.
And he's, I'm going to put the food that we have eaten on his desk. No, this does not look enjoyable. It's mine. I want to throw up just looking at it. It's mine.
You ordered Big Tasty's 45 minutes ago.
Thank you.
Burger and a bracket. You're just trying to destroy everybody in the house. That's all you're trying to do.
I will admit, I am being a party pooper.
- What? - This is not enjoyable. Look at everyone looking at me. - Why do you apologize? - Everyone is just...
Staring into my soul right now. Alex said he's got a puke and I told him with all due respect if he pukes I actually have to film it so... I'm currently following him around.
I'm not, I just, I'm doing my job. I have, if you puke,
and I don't film it, I'm... it's not a joke, you're in the fetal position, you're gonna puke. You don't look too hot. Food coma?
What's better than Smalix? Smalix is going to throw up. Is Yashley.
Smalox is in the fetal position.
Nigel is asleep outside on the couch. He looks like he's dying. I'm gonna feel good, but I need to let my stomach settle. I've never seen you like this. How do you feel?
Like shit. You finished your KFC? No.
I didn't come out here because I was tagged. I came out here because I was told to come out here. No. No. If I'm not invited, I will happily go back inside. And I tagged everyone besides you. I will happily go back inside. You're not part of this birthday. You can eat your PFC and join us.
We'll go back inside. I'll see you guys later. Enjoy.
Christy, you scammed me. I'm not even supposed to be out here. I didn't get invited. You see the only way to beat Tristan's game is to exit the game completely. Now they may sit outside and make fun of me all day. That's okay.
Because in a few hours when they're all throwing up their guts, shitting their brains out, I'm going to be sitting here
with all of this uneaten food, happy as can be, while I get my work done and have an amazing day.
So in case you're wondering how do you win the game, you don't win the game unless you exit the game.
Like I have.
Smoke a fucking cigar
- Come in a bitch. - Mosquitoes cannot bite me. - My yes goes back. - Wanna take it for a drive? - It's another day, Fred. - Fuck you, pink. And I changed to five women who live with me. So it's a brand new life once a week, it's fantastic.