Transcript
It's your Thai culture mate.
Nice bit of Shang. Consuming the culture, literally.
Can I have one soda water please? What about that? Go to a place. Eat local, drink local. Shang is a local. Give me the beer. Who owns Shang?
Cosmos Buri. Okay, I guarantee I'd like someone to actually Google Cosmos Buri. I bet they're an international conglomerate. They probably own Heineken at the same fucking time. So it's not really local. Like everyone that comes to Thailand, they think they do these amazing little local experiences and they're dickheads. Thailand is filled with beautiful scenic spots with 10,000 people in it all trying to take one Instagram photo with themselves only trying to cut out everyone else in the background to make it look like they're lost on some adventure when they paid fucking 800 baht to be picked up from their airport and taken in a fucking taxi.
He's on.
You can't see it, you're on the blind side of him. There he is.
Found a monkey.
- No. - What's the monkey ever done for me? Has the monkey ever paid my rent? - No. - No. - Has the monkey ever showed up at my house with a bag of food and fed me when I've been hungry? - No. - No.
- I don't mind Thailand for what it is. Thailand's a place where there's no real laws, you can act a bit crazy, you can spend some money, fine. But the problem with Thailand is it's full of dickhead travelers with fucking backpacks, who think they're better than everyone else because they manage to spend as little money as possible.
I was traveling around my backpack and I was staying in hostels and you know me and the local people that the local people don't give a fuck about you The local people do not care about your fucking travel blog. They don't give a shit. All they care about is how much money you have. The reason there's no real adventure in Thailand is if there's anything worth discovering in Thailand. The Thais would have fucking put a road sign and a fucking dude would be standing there charging you 300 baht on your way in and I'd put it on every single fucking poster saying you want to come because they want to take your cash. So they're like oh I discovered this temple. I went here today.
like you just discovered some random shit. There is no random shit. Anything worth anything is advertised to fuck, to take your money. - Come to Thailand. - So go to Vegas. - The road to the temple has shops left and right in it, so people can sell you things on the way to the temple.
- That's what makes the world go round, money. Let me tell you one thing, local people appreciate people like me who turn up with big bucks, and will tip,
more than they appreciate you, Mr. Four Pound a Day for fucking accommodation and food. You're a dick. And the worst thing about people who come here, it's not even when they're here, it's when they get back. Once they get back into the Western world, they start talking shit like, oh, you know, and I really learned a lot about myself, it was really spiritual, and I've made a decision, I've decided I want to be a travel blogger, and I don't want to work a nine-to-five, and I'm not the kind of person designed to be stuck in a job. No one wants to work a job. You didn't discover anything that everyone else doesn't fucking know. No one wants to be a fucking plumber nine-to-five.
Yeah, I want to be covered in other people's shit so they're traveling the world. Everyone wants to travel the world. Not most people can't So you didn't realize anything then you start writing a travel blog on your Facebook page about oh, and I did this I saw the elephant no one gives a fuck
Look at this little guy tucking into some G -nuts.
Five bars of signal. Temples of mystical powers. *Crips *
Less than 1 % of those travel bloggers make enough money to travel around the world forever. The rest of you just chat shit and annoy everybody. No one fucking cares. You're never gonna be a travel blogger. Go get a normal fucking job. You're a dickhead. Wanker.
Everyone, it's only this fucking place seems to breed morons. And some fucking hippie ass bullshit annoys me. I can't stand it. Oh, I was traveling and I went to this place, that place. Everyone's been everywhere in Thailand. Fuck you. Everyone's been everywhere. Let me tell you something. All your shit cheap experiences I could have, and as well as that, I also have another experience you don't have called a five star hotel and clean sheets. So fuck yourself. Tell this, send this out to every fucking traveling dickhead, backpacking hippie. On top of that, let me tell you another thing that happens in Thailand while we're on subject.
All girls become fucking hoes. This is all the men out there. If you're thinking, you know what? I want to bang some chicks that come to Thailand. You haven't got to pay for a Thai girl, trust me. Because there's some blonde chick out here who's finding herself because her fucking boyfriend dumped her and she got a loan off her fucking dad. And she's out here like, oh, I'm just discovering myself. And all you have to do is be 5% fun and 10% interesting for about 33 minutes. And she'll be like, oh, wow, I met someone. Oh, this guy. Oh, we have a real connection. Before she's sucking on your dick and doesn't even know your fucking full name. That's what happened to Thailand.
girls become whores. If I meet a girl in the western world and I'm sitting there having a date with her, I'm talking to her, I'm like, oh yeah, where you been? And they sit and say to me, oh, I traveled around Thailand for two years. I'm sitting thinking, okay, that's 10 dicks that have been through you. You don't know who those men are. You probably got chlamydia. You're a fucking bitch. Now I'm sitting here buying your meal for 150 quid when all he had to do was buy you a pad thai for a pound. I'm getting ripped off. You're worth a pound. I'm overpaying. Fuck you. So if you have a daughter or if you have a girlfriend and she wants to go traveling, tell her she's not allowed. She's not allowed to go traveling. Tristan bang, nine girls in seven days. No prostitutes. Nine
girls in seven days. It's out there to the real world. That's what happened. What were their names? They came there to find themselves. They found themselves naked in my bed. They found themselves naked in his five-star hotel. That's all that happened. Fuck Thailand. Fuck the dickhead dudes who come here as well and get a fucking tattoo and do like five days with some wi-tai and think they're hard and walk around with a fucking wi-tai vest on. I will kick the fuck out of all of you. Do you know how many times I've woken up, pissed up my brain, walked into a fighter's gym full of people who are going running every single morning and even though I stink of all, I've just beaten
Back on the air conditioned bus. I haven't been to many places easier to get to than this place. You want mystery and intrepid travel to buy the fucking London Underground. You ever seen a tube map? I fucking hate this place. I fucking hate Thailand. You piss me off. Don't talk about Chang again.