Transcript
you
*Sigh*
Got my Nespresso.
Got my millions of dollars, got my global fame.
Got on a cream-colored summer suit. I'm basically George Clooney now.
You know?
Bye.
Nespresso. What is it? What's the advert? What does it say? Nespresso.
for the gays.
You know, I've always hated those machines. They're supposed to be simple. You put a pod in and you press a button, you're supposed to get a copy. But there's always some malfunction. It always says it needs to clean itself.
where the pod didn't fit correctly.
It's always hard. You know the kind of coffee I like?
instant.
And I like it primarily because of the name, instant.
Give me coffee instantly.
Any man who's remotely masculine understands that he's soon gonna die, either in a fireball, a comet's gonna come down and kill him, his enemies are gonna turn up at the gate with the intention of putting him to the sword. We are running out of time! We are constantly fighting against a ticking clock. I do not have time to fuck around for a cup of coffee. I want it instantly.
You know, I used to live with a guy.
He had glasses.
He woke up in the morning, he'd grind himself some coffee beans, and he'd put it in the coffee machine, and get one of those little filters, and he'd watch it go drip-drop.
25 minutes of his life he'd waste for a cup of coffee.
25 whole minutes and I sit and say to him, why don't you drink instant coffee? Instant coffee is instant.
Surely your time, your human years, surely your life is worth more.
than watching the drip drop of a coffee fucking filter.
And he said to me, "Well, I can't do that. Instant coffee is terrible. It tastes nothing like coffee."
I would argue
in a court of law, and I've done a lot of that.
That instant coffee actually tastes quite a lot like coffee.
It doesn't taste like fucking orange juice, does it? It tastes close enough for you to drink it.
and save yourself an hour of your life.
I've seen videos on YouTube and Twitter, people like, "Wow, watch my coffee process!" and they just waste their time
filtering the beans and measuring the water and grinding it.
Are you a fucking retard?
Nespresso machines enrage me. Give me instant coffee. I don't care.
My peak instant coffee consumerism was actually in jail.
Because if I had high blood pressure,
I got to have a few benefits inside of my cell.
So I would eat instant coffee with a spoon.
They'd check me for high blood pressure in the morning. So I'd wake up an hour before the check and eat half a jar of instant coffee with a spoon. And when I went in there and they said, you have heart attack level blood pressure,
I'd feel happy with myself knowing I'd achieved something. That's instant coffee. Didn't even need to boil a fucking kettle.
Spoon Coffee, back in the game.
Real niggership.
Thank you.
Ah.
You know, I see a lot of people online saying, "Andrew has a beef with everything."
And you might be right.
But when I see people,
I see them in their homes, their fancy houses. They have a Porsche outside and they have a nice house. And you go over to their house, like, would you like a coffee? I'm like, yeah, I'll have coffee.
and they get out the Nespresso machine.
If you come to my house and say, "Can I have a coffee?" You know what I do? I just hand you a jar of coffee, no water.
Jar of instant coffee in a fucking spoon.
Yeah.