Transcript
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God hates fat people.
Basically, if you give somebody a present,
and they don't look after it,
you're going to think of them as an ungrateful
nasty, horrible,
You're just going to look at them and think, why did I give that to you? If you give someone a Ferrari...
And they treat it like shit.
They don't wash it, they don't clean it, they don't service it.
Why would you give them anything else ever?
You know?
That's why God doesn't like fat people because he gave them a body and they abused it. They didn't take care of it. They wasted it.
which means that he has made fat people permanently and continuously and never-endingly
Unlucky.
I've noticed this about fat people.
They're unlucky all the time.
And that's basically because God is saying, "Ah, I'm still fat now."
taking their chances away, plucking it from them in real time.
And I think that I should try my very best to follow in God's footsteps.
We should do the godly thing.
which is dislike fat people.
Because there's no reason to be fat. You don't have to be fat.
I mean, there's lots of disabilities that people are born with that they can't help.
I've got some friends who are black.
Well, their fault.
But if you're fat,
You weren't born that way. You decided it's OK to be that way.
You're saying to God, thanks for the body, I'm not taking care of it.
So he's gonna make you unlucky.
Beautiful people are lucky. Haven't you noticed this? Beautiful girls are lucky.
Everyone knows that hot chick who's just out and traveling the whole world. And she's going to all these real dangerous third world shitholes like London.
And you're like...
London's so dangerous. Has anything ever happened to you there? No, I have a great time in London. Just strolling around.
Because she looks after herself. She trains, she's pretty, she's beautiful. God loves beautiful people.
Look at me!
Rich as fuck.
and gorgeous.
But ugly people, fat people, God doesn't...
You know?
They're very unlucky.
Which means that I don't really want to talk to them.
I don't want to talk to unlucky people.
The number one thing I probably do not need to attract into my life is bad luck.
There's a silver lining for almost everything. I can't find the silver lining for bad luck.
I'm making this video right now because I just finished having lunch. A business lunch here in Dubai on the Palm.
And the guy who turned up was fat.
I'm thinking,
I bet the roof collapses. How often do roofs collapse in Dubai? I bet the roof collapses. It just murders us. This table alone. Nobody else. Just this table because it's fat fuck.
*Dog barking*
So why am I sitting next to him? Why am I listening to this guy? He can't even stop eating.
You're going to tell me about business.
But you can't control your own hand putting a donut in your own mouth.
Fuck off!
I don't want to be on a boat with a fat person.
They're unlucky. I don't want to be in a plane with a fat person. If I got a plane, there's a fat man.
Why be on a plane with an unlucky person?
You know?
Why did the plane crash? Oh, it was a miracle. The sunlight hit the windscreen in just the right angle to cause a magnifying glass sunray beam, which burnt through the only wire in the cockpit, which was exposed in the entire plane crash.
To some fat black chick.
You know, I wouldn't fat people. What are the best things about being rich? Like me, you can say whatever you want.
Fat people, like they sit there around me sometimes, like by accident, they sit there and I was like, why are you fat?
They get so offended. What? What?
Why are you fat? I'm just asking why you're fat.
You could stop.
Why didn't you stop being fat?
I don't know why you're not allowed to ask that question.
If everyone asks the fat people why they're fat, they might stop.
Why are you fat? They come up with all these fantastical ideas.
You know?
And I'm like, it's because you eat too much, isn't it?
If you stop eating, you won't be fat.
That's the truth.
You can just stop eating and you won't be fat anymore.
My thyroid!
So God hates you.
And I don't blame it.
You know, I've had people come to me begging to borrow money. Oh, I need money. My life's fucked. Please. And I give them some money and they go and gamble it all. And I think I will never give this person money again. They're fucking idiots.
And that's basically a fat person's entire existence because they waste their entire life.
They waste the most important thing they have, which is their health. Health is wealth.
You know?
I understand the cake tastes good, but is being permanently unlucky worth it? That's why women hate fat guys, because they know you're unlucky. Bitches don't like unlucky dudes either.
Thank you.
Women always cry when you ask why they're fat.
The men get kind of offended and they kind of start to believe their fat is muscle for a second.
Why are you fat? And they kind of flex a bit and then you look at them like, "Well, fuck you, you're gonna be fat."
I'll light you the fuck up.
smoke you like bacon you pussy hole.
They calm down quick.
The women, they bust the tears out.
And he asks me why I'm fat. And then the skinny girl who's her friend is like, no way, how dare he?
*crying*
Fucking idiot.
You're fat because you stuffed your fucking face.
You stupid bitch.
And beauty is basically the only thing a woman has. So destroying your looks, that's really dumb. I mean, the fuck, that's your only fucking Trump card in this world. No one wants to hear what you have to fucking say. You're gonna look good.
Mm-hmm.
Mm -hmm.
*sigh*
All the fat is going to get mad now.
Faties United against Andrew.
Fat-phobic.
I am proudly fat phobic.
Proudly, I don't want you anywhere the fuck near me. You might eat my dinner.
Fuck off. If there's not a single fat person left on the planet, I hope all fat people watch this and say, we're not gonna talk to that guy.
Go.
I ain't going to miss you.
I'm talking to beautiful women.
Fighters, dudes are in shape, winners.
I cannot think of a single scenario where I would talk to a fucking fat motherfucker, male or female, ever.
Stay the fuck away from me. I am fat phobic and I judge you.
When you sit down,
and you're a little bit self-conscious because you know you're fat, but people don't talk about the fact you're fat.
But you know you're fat and you know we know you're fat. And you sit down and you're a little bit self-conscious, but then you know the conversation starts and you get back into your swing and you think nobody's noticed.
I'm judging you.
I am judging you the entire fucking time. And I am watching you. Don't think I don't notice you fat people. When you sit at lunch with fat people, they always eat the least.
to try and prove to the other rest of the table that they're not greedy,
Everyone has a meal. We all eat our meal. They eat like a little bit.
- Makes predominantly.
Soon as they leave the meeting, of course, they get into the car, open up the emergency donut rations.
*crying*
Get the calories in.
If you ain't like that every day, you wouldn't be a fat fuck. You ain't tricking me.
You may as well eat the whole fucking plate. You may as well order dessert. Look at the size of you.
You ain't fucking fooling nobody.
So while you're doing your little game of, you know, eating a little bit, pretending, "No, I'm not hungry, actually." You're fucking disgusting.
And God thinks,
You're disgusting and ungrateful, and that's why you're permanently unlucky.
And you could change it if you could dedicate yourself for five minutes, but I'm
Guess? You can't do that. Imagine
Not being able to dedicate yourself
to not only live longer, but secondly, to be respected.
You can't be respected by anybody. Everybody knows you're lazy.
gluttonous, you lack motivation, determination, you're gonna die sooner, you're unattractive, you fucking stink, all because you want to eat too much.
If you do want to be in shape, I have a supplement called Fire Blood. It tastes absolutely disgusting.
but has every single nutrient, mineral amino acid the body needs in one single convenient scoop.
I've added no flavoring whatsoever because I wanted it to taste bags. It's for real heroes.
If you need a supplement that tastes like cookie crumble, you're probably fucking fat.
Any fat people who have a problem with this tape speech, you can email me at the email address "Hello" and you'll see me ignore you and not give a fuck. Because I mean every word I've ever fucking said,
I stick by my principles.
You're all unlucky, and I don't want any of you near me.
We'll be right back.