Transcript
Oh, Tristan, you can't... To be fair though, I suppose you do look actually very, very classy.
So where's your cousin? Luke is a stone cold loser. He thinks you can land in to London in December when it's Christmassy and not be instantly compelled to go and spend all your money shopping. In fact, he goes, "Every time we go to London, all you do is shop and spend loads of money and buy cars and buy stuff. I don't see the point." He's like, "You don't see the point, so what are you gonna do instead?" "Because I might have a bath." Fucking geek, bruv. How did you get a cousin who's such a fucking intolerable geek?
relate to me he must be adopted into the family he's not my cousin there's no university he has any DNA in common with me there's no way I'm not sure we even descend from the same human ancestors in the African rift valley I think he's independently evolved as a nerd yeah it may be extraterrestrial extraterrestrial nerd ETN his nerd levels are galactic we do this every year and it's stupid
What do you mean?
It's stupid.
Do whatever you're...
This, this nonsense every year.
I stand to correct you. We do not do this every year. We do this every time I come to London.
you
It's multiple times a year, but it's complete nonsense.
I did a little bit of shopping. It's not a little bit of shopping. This is probably literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shopping.
It's stupid.
Door mate.
Listen, he thinks it's stupid that I spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on shopping, but Luke does not understand that money is not real and I'm a master of ice. He does.
I will admit, I don't remember. There's more here. Yeah, of course the race.
I don't remember what most of this stuff is. But at the time, I wanted it. At the time, I wanted it. Tristan?
Luke's complaining about me spending too much money on the wall. What's your buy?
Bro, all this shit. I can't remember. Oh, you bullshit.
eyeball shit! This...
is all cigar paraphernalia and accessories. Are you aware? Yeah, so that's about a thousand. Look at this.
Limited edition...
Joker.
This is number three of 288. $5,000. $5,000 for a lighter. Do you agree we need that lighter until he loses it?
But that's what I mean. Don't lose it. No, no, no. I can't lose it. Because I bought six other DuPont lighters. So I can lose it first. It's now number seven. These are special edition limited edition. How much does that cost? Davidoff's is rose gold.
Oh, some money. It costs some money. Luke, do you agree? This is stupid. Guys, this is stupid. Do you agree that he needs his $5,000 lighter until he loses it?
But that's what I mean. He doesn't need it. Until he loses it. He's going to lose it. Exactly. We know he's going to lose it. Until he loses it, he needs it.
So do you admit that I could slice your face off with this if I wanted to? Yes, I do. It's Christmas, Luke. This isn't Christmassy. This is Christmas. Who kicked out of the tree last time? Now he's threatening to slice my face off. I don't want an iPad. Apple's the devil. It's brand new. It's yellow. We don't need it. I want it for you, Luke. No. Luke, I bought you an iPad. Luke, you don't want an iPad? No, this is stupid. What's your Christmas present? You don't want an iPad? Why does Tristan keep cutting things? It has a keyboard. Andrew, take your Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Luke. I don't want them. Merry Christmas, Luke.
So I admit it.
I broke my computer.
And I actually do need the iPad.
that I completely said that I didn't need
And I'm going to go get it. And I know he's going to make me admit it.
because I kept saying that fuck Apple and I don't need Apple, but I actually need the iPad.
*knock*
I admit it. I'm a loser. What do you admit?
I need the iPad.
So you made it? Yeah, you bought the ipads. I didn't need the ipad, I've got a fucking linux gay mode xlgay
that's what you said you had you said you had laptop g-a-y s-e-x mode i know i know i know and now you admit it i admit i need the i need the apple i need apple so don't you admit you have a cousin who just buys random and it's extremely intelligent to do yeah because it's true i buy complete random and then when you need them
They're here. I know. You need an Apple Watch to go with it. No, I don't.
Are you sure? I'm sure. So you admit it. If I did need one, I'd come, I know where to go. Say I admit it. I admit it. I admit it. I'm a loser and I need Apple and Apple won. Apple won. Not only did I buy six iPads.
I bought keyboards. I only bought one keyboard for my six iPads because I knew in my brain that you'd end up needing a keyboard. The other five wouldn't, but you would.
That's how smart I am, isn't it? That's true. That's exactly why you only bought one keyboard.
It was for this exact moment. Somehow you knew. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Thank you very much, friend. What is it?
A ride in the Mundo L'Epoch?
I came out this year
as the 50th anniversary of the France import. Light to medium, a bit more tasteful than the usual light to medium body cigar. Fantastic cigar. So it was designed for the French? Yes.
good so i'm gonna take it off the french one that makes me happy exactly what are you going to why is this a cigar in england
I'm about to take it off him. Of course, as England, we've whooped Francis' ass endlessly. We always will. Except in football, unfortunately.
That's fine. Take their cigar.
future life. Nice. Can I invite you to see? Yes please.
What are you going to do about it?
I won't care.
You're French, he cares.
Right in front of your face.
I took a cigar with you.
designed for your people.
I robbed you.
I robbed your national treasure. Do you guys have any English cigars that are made for the English? Yes, we are. Could I please have one please?
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna pay the price
Shit
- Yeah.
I'm not finished complaining about people who like oceans.
Because when you actually listen to these individuals, you realize they are exceptionally low IQ.
Oh, I just love, I just love whales. How the fuck can you love a whale? Has a whale ever paid your rent? Have you ever spoken to a whale? It's a huge thing in the ocean. You've never interacted with whatever. Doesn't talk, doesn't improve your life. If you had cancer, wouldn't even send you a card.
You're sitting there going, I love whales. Why? Why? Why do you love them? Humans shouldn't ever even see whales. I love my dog. My dog comes to me. He cares about me. We care about each other. How can you love a whale? It doesn't make any sense. Whales don't give a fuck about you. Liking marine life is asinine. The entire fucking ocean is filled with dumb shit. Name something smart from the ocean. Dolphins, supposedly. If you're that smart, why can't you walk?
You're fucking swimming around like a bro. Getting caught in tuna, that's a smart genius. I'm a tuna. I'm a tuna. You're not smart and fucking dumb. At least on land, there's fucking smart shit. Like dogs can do tricks. Fucking lame. Fish are stupids. Fucking sea urchins. I've got a face. I've got a face, bro. Whales, big and dumb. Fuck that shit. It's all trash. If animals could talk,
The animals in the ocean would be the most stupid of them all. I swim all day. What'd you say? Swim. Anything else? No. Fucking losers, bro. You're big and giant and terrifying. What do you eat? Tiny shrooms. Lame. Loser. Anyone who likes the ocean's low IQ. Standing by that fact.
You can't actually like those.
They were...
It's Rice Krispy Marshmallow Squares.
You can't actually enjoy them. Everyone enjoys them.
No, Tristan, now you're lying. You can't...
Can't walk.
*laughs* This is stupid. Why is it stupid? It's Christmas. You guys can't enjoy- I know it's Christmas, but that doesn't mean you need to eat Rice Krispies Squares. That doesn't mean you enjoy Rice Krispies Squares. It does. It certainly must be a joke.
I don't have a second one right now. No, you're not.
I'm gonna become a fat loser like you.
-
If you have the choice to be in Rice Krispies Square or Fighting Me, fair enough, which one to choose?
Well, I choose the Rice Krispie Squirt. That's your choice.
I mean I guess... I guess they might be good.
You can't mean it.
Thank you.
I'm going to become a beat. No, it is. So Tristan's been saying this for the past, let's say, I don't know, five minutes.
- Five minutes.
This is my life's dream. It's not. It's the first I've ever heard it. As everyone on the internet who knows me will know.
that I've been talking about becoming a beekeeper for the last decade. That's not true at all. Tristan, the internet will prove that you're alive. So when we're supposed to fly places and do fun things, we can't go. Tristan has to stay home and look after the bees.
Yeah, but that's stupid. And the garden will be full of loads of bees. That's what I mean. That'd be horrible. Do you need a helper bee duper? I might help you. You're going to help me? No, we don't need... What if I get bees and you get bees and they end up...
beefing
We don't need bee wars in the gardens. How about we convert Luke's?
into a bee cave. No. He can still sleep in it. He can have his bed. Look, we're not kicking you out. You can have your bed. No, but you're going to make it full of bees. But they'll also be bees.
There will be some bees. But you're the beekeepers. Why don't you do that with your rooms? I don't know.
I've got to be separate from the bees to assert my dominance. So they know I'm not just one of the drones. I'm gonna start a bee colony and it's gonna be better than your bee colony and they're gonna kill all of your bees.
This is some brand new idea that's never been heard before.
Exactly.
No more supercars, no more private jets, no more things. We have to stay home, look after the bees. Be wars. No, no be wars.
We don't need B-Wars.
"B wars in the garden."
Wouldn't that ruin summer? Why don't you be quiet?
new pitch, Luke's room
Scorpion Den.
No, this is stupid.
so
so
Oh look there's booze, free booze. We don't need booze. What do you mean? Merry Christmas Luke. No one likes booze. We have a car do need booze. No we don't. Goodwill to all men. Goodwill to all men. I agree with that but we don't need booze. This is our Christmas celebration. You're not ruining it. A little Christmas chocolate. I meant you don't have one. Okay. I have these. Everybody who does not have a religious affiliation that stops them drinking should drink. Do we agree Andrew?
The real world is officially now bigger than it has ever been. It is now larger than it has ever been at any point in recorded history. It was already huge, and then we went to jail, then we came out and got bigger, and now most people understand that chaos is coming for everyone in 2024 and they need to get some money, they can't sit around and be broke anymore. And the school has beaten a new record, and we are larger than we've ever been. What that means is there are more people learning how to free themselves from the Matrix than there have ever been before. So if
decided to join and learn how to escape from the Matrix. You now have more competition than you've ever had. There's more people taking up the spots, who are gonna jump into the wormhole to free themselves, and you're gonna stay there like a broke peon. We get bigger and bigger and I think the reason for that is because it's actually
The only place you can learn things that matter basically in the world.
If I were to say to you, go join a school where they're going to teach you things that matter, you're going to struggle because all you're going to end up doing is joining some liberal indoctrination camp, paying a bunch of money, learning a bunch of worthless crap, taking years to do it, getting debt. This is a position and this is a situation where you can sit down and say, I want to be taught the things I need to know to live a life worth living. It's going to cost you less than a pizza and you can do it from home. For that reason, you continue to grow and it looks
So it's a good day for us, it's a good day for our students, and it's a very bad day for all the losers who have not yet joined.