Transcript
- I'm gonna tell you my story about Jamaica. I've been to Jamaica once in my life, and I will never go there again. So I had some business in Jamaica. I was put in a very nice hotel. When you get to the hotel, they say, "We have restaurants, we have clubs, we have everything inside the hotel. Don't leave the hotel. We have everything you want here." And it was fine for the first couple days, but after a while of seeing fat Americans overindulge on the buffet,
go into this club, which was garbage, as I'm sure you can imagine. You get pissed off with sitting in the fucking golden prison and you decide to go and explore for yourself. So I said, fuck it, I'm in Jamaica. I'm gonna go find some actual Jamaican fun. I know some Jamaican brothers in London. They're a little bit crazy, but I know Jamaica is a dangerous place, but whatever. I'm a dangerous guy. A bullet probably wouldn't kill me, five might, but I can take one. So I decided to go out exploring in Jamaica. So I go up to the reception, say I need a taxi.
I'm going to do my Jamaican accent. She goes,
I can't do it.
and smiling.
She goes, what do you need a taxi for? I said, I'm going to go out and look around. She goes, no, don't, don't do that. Stay in the hotel. We have, we have bar in the hotel. I was like, no, no, no. So she wouldn't give me a taxi. So like, fuck you then. Reception literally wouldn't order me a taxi.
So I walk out, out of the hotel,
down the long road, all the way out to the main road, thinking I'll find my own fucking taxi.
See a taxi, I wave.
Dude stops
I said, bro, I wanna go have some fun. He goes, get in the car, man, I'll show you around the island. We have fun. I was like, all right, cool.
So I get in the car.
"What's your name?" I said, "Andrew." And then I go, "You?" And he goes, "Grim."
I said, "Grim?" He goes, "Yeah, Grim Reaper!"
and started laughing. And I was just like, "Haha, yeah, alright, Grim Reaper." This is a warning. When a dude tells you his name's Grim Reaper, you should get out the fucking car. But me being my arrogant jackass self, I'm like, "Alright Grim, cool."
So we're driving. Anyway, Grimm's accent was so thick
He had that Jamaican accent and he spoke in that patois. It was so thick. I couldn't understand the guy. He had this music on this hard vibes cartel.
Like loud music and he's talking shit and I have no idea what he's saying. So he's saying, where do you want to go? And I'm like, bro, I want to party. He's like, what kind of party? You like girls? And...
I know from being in all these countries, I've been to 72 countries, taxi drivers say, "Do you like girls?" And when you say yes, they take you to strip clubs to get commission. But I also know Jamaica is super homophobic. So I can't say, "No, I don't like girls." And I also don't want to go to a fucking Jamaican strip club. So I'm like, "Yeah, I like girls, but I don't want to go to a strip club. I want to go find some normal girls." I didn't actually care about girls. I'm not really looking to fuck a Jamaican chick. I just wanted to look around a bit. But you can't say to a Jamaican guy, "I don't like girls," and you're shot in the head.
Anyway, so he starts ranting off.
Talking, talking, talking. And he was driving like a fucking idiot. So I'm focusing on the road thinking maybe I'm going to have to grab the wheel or some shit. This motherfucker's about to kill me. Talking shit. And when he finishes, he pulls out about 5,000 American from his fucking pocket. One of those pockets on his shirt. And he goes, you like that? I have no idea to this day what he said. He must have talked for about two minutes. And he pulled out the money and goes, you like that? I like money.
was like yeah I like that because I parked you with you all night I was like okay fine so by saying yeah I like that I agree Grimm's gonna come party with me so he pulls up at this club the best club in Jamaica blah blah blah blah we go in there I am mixed race I may as well have been Ed Sheeran up at this motherfucker it was black I'm not being racist it was black the music was
in there probably had a gun everyone knew the dances a song would come on everyone's doing the same dance i'm standing there completely out of place i walk in there and within precisely seven seconds i want to go and it took only seven seconds for grim's stupid ass to order a bottle of chivas regal which i don't even fucking drink they brought the bottle over to me i could see on the wall the price of the bottle but the bill said double because i'm obviously fucking too white for
opens up the bottle. So I'm like, alright, whatever. So I pay for the bottle for Grimm. He starts sipping away on this shoe. I'm sitting there. I'm standing up against the wall so no one can attack me from behind. Just looking at this club, thinking, not only do I not belong here, I'm definitely a little bit intimidating, and there's definitely no fun for me here. There's no action for me here. But I don't want to just say to Grimm, I'm going. Because I need him to drive me home. I don't know where the fuck I am. There's no other taxis outside. So I have to let
If you're black and you're watching this, don't get offended. Black people can't drink. They all think they can drink. Black people can't drink. I live in Romania. I've gone to Russia. White people can drink. You can sit with a Russian man through three bottles of vodka. It's fine. As soon as a fucking black person starts touching alcohol, they all start getting out of control and rowdy. That's why they're fucking fighting and shooting each other and shit. This motherfucker starts drinking his shiv ass. He wants to have about four or five drinks. Drunk out of his mind. So I say to him, look, Grim, let's go. Why do you have to go to a party just starting, boy?
I didn't want to leave. I gotta go back to my hotel. I got a meeting. Start talking some shit. Okay, I take you to a better party. You don't like the party here, boy. I take you to a better party. I'm like, alright, Grim. Let's go. As long as you get me the fuck out of here. Let's go. So we leave. We get in his car. Grim is drunk. Drunk as a motherfucker. Driving like, putting his face closer to the road so he can see it better. That level of fucking drunk. Grim is hammered.
miles an hour. You know Jamaicans take everything slow. This motherfucker was going slow. I'm like, bro, just take me back to the hotel. I'm done with parties for tonight. He goes, nah, boy, I think I did the best party on the island. Now it's late. It's party time now. You go out at 10 o'clock. Now it's midnight. Now it's party time. All this shit. I was like, all right, fine, fucking take me. Fine, whatever. He was refusing to take me home. I was like, fine, take me to this party. So we're in his car. We're driving. We're driving. Anyway, we start driving up this dirt hill. Driving up this hill, driving up this hill, driving up this hill. We're driving up this hill
and I didn't clock instantly maybe still had a few drinks but then I clocked and thought this motherfucker's about to rob me there's no fucking club up here I'm about to get robbed me mr. stupid wearing my fucking nice watching shit so I was like alright cool I'm not to get robbed I've been robbed before you know like I'm a professional athlete I could fight but also I know my limitations you want to take my shit take my shit whatever I don't care I'll buy new shit so there's no ego attached most people die in muggings because of ego you want my phone take my phone
If you tell me you're going to kill me, I'm going to attack you. If you're like, just give me your phone and I'll leave. Oh, here, bye.
Anyway, so I was like, he's gonna rob me. So I was like, Grim, where are we going, bro? We're not going to no fucking club. I ain't stupid.
He goes, I didn't see a club boy.
I said a party.
And that kind of gave me, you know what, that actually made me feel a little bit better when he said it. I thought, maybe there is a party up here. Maybe I'm fucking freaking out. So we get up to the top of this hill. And it was a party. This was Grimm's party. It was two rickety-ass fucking street lamps dimly lighting a fucking clearing in this forest. There was an old dude sitting on a cooler. And the cooler had some drinks in it.
of Jamaica and there was about 20 Jamaican dudes no girls that's it that's the party Grim goes we're here I was like Grim let's go and before I could even say let's this is shit take me home he'd already stepped out the car and started walking off so what can you do what can you you can't just sit in the car like a bitch everyone's looking at you now because you know you've driven up to this party everyone's staring at you so go get out the fucking car what else are you gonna do so I get out the car I must have got out the car about four seconds after Grim after I looked around
my options. I looked if there's a key in the car, if I can steal the car. I was like, no, okay. Looked on me. What are they going to rob me? If they rob me, I got about a thousand US.
Analyzed everything in about three seconds. Decided the best thing to do is to go out the car. Go out the car, and within those three or four seconds, Grim had vanished. Grim is now gone, like a ghost into the fucking night. I look around, and I cannot see Grim. So it's just me at this party. I'm like, okay. So I'm kind of like, well, where do I stand? What do I do?
the shitty shed and I have the same philosophy everywhere I go I don't want to be attacked from behind you're gonna kill me and at least see it coming so I decide to go stand up against the shed so I go stand up against the shed I'm standing there trying to pretend I'm just like chilling and all the dudes are looking at each other and then looking at me and Jamaicans they're not subtle Jamaicans are not subtle people at all so they made it very clear what they were doing they were asking
They're like, him, him, you know? Who, like literally is being super obvious. Who the fuck is, if he's your friend, if I shoot him, are you gonna be mad? So they're always talking to each other about me. I'm just sitting there. And obviously as a professional athlete, especially in fighting, you get a poker face. That's your whole job is you have a poker face. So I sit here and thought, my only thing I can do is keep the poker face on. I have to pretend I don't give a fuck. I gotta pretend I'm so comfortable here. I gotta have the poker face, like you do before a world title fight. Before a world title fight, you're scared, but you just keep it, you keep that straight face. So I'm chilling straight face, whatever, whatever.
There's these two dudes, the two biggest guys. I'm six foot three and a half. These dudes must be about six five, both of them. Wearing the string vests, lean like me, built. They start talking and they're the ones who are most overtly pointing at me and like checking if, you know, I'm okay to be a target. I can't say for 100% certain because it was about 10 meters out in the dark. But I will say with 99% certainty, there was a pistol in his belt.
Fuck it, there's a pistol. If someone would say, would you bet your life on it? I'd say, yeah, there's a pistol. So I knew this is an unwinnable fight. So I was like, okay, my plan is this.
while I was looking at his belt and the pistol, someone started walking down the hill. So I said to myself, next time someone starts walking down the hill, I'm just going to walk with that person and pretend I know that person. And if I can convince that one person not to kill me, then that lowers my odds. Instead of having to convince everyone not to kill me, I was convinced one guy to not kill me. So next time someone leaves, I'm walking down the hill. These two dudes are about to fucking attack me. Anyway, I'm literally looking at the hill and thinking,
And I turn to the side, this fucking grim. And he stinks of weed. Stinking of weed out of his fucking mind. He goes to me, you having fun, boy? I was like, no. I said, it's all right. I didn't say no. I thought no. I said, it's all right, man. I need to get back. I've got people waiting for me. That's what I said. You know, the typical basic tricks. He goes, you want the taxi home? I was like, yeah. He goes, $1,000. He's like, $1,000, what? Jamaican? Remember, I paid this guy $10 Jamaican dollars.
That's what, like three bucks to get this far. He goes, no, a thousand American dollar. I leave you here with my boys. So it was all a big setup from the beginning. I said, my friend, I've got about $700 on me. I spent the rest on your fucking shivas. He goes, I'll tell you what. I take you home for $700. I wait outside. You bring me the other $300 or you never make it off Jamaica.
I look him in the eyes. I said, you motherfucker. I said, you know what? Deal.
it wasn't even animal city we get back in the car it was like men understand the reality of the world i can't be mad at grim grim does what grim does i walked into it i get back in the car he goes to me no he goes the party not finished for me boy starts putting music on he's my friend again everything's fine go back to the hotel and i thought okay i'm at the hotel now i cannot pay him i can fucking call the police i can be a little bitch like most white boys would do that's
ass tourist little fucking little pussy who run away from the car grim tried to rob me you know what i have honor grim he pulled a scam and it worked and he did save me from basically getting my brains blown out so i thought you know what grim here's 700 i said do you want that other 300 i'll go get it if you want it and grim turned to me and goes don't worry about it boy that's enough have a good have a good time in jamaica it's like thank you well the end of the story is this i had
unlimited alcohol I'd give him all the alcohol for my room because they'd refill it for free so I'd say take all the beer take all the vodka it's yours I don't care because they refill it and what surprised me he goes no one's ever done this for me before I work here 10 years it's like it's free why the fuck would I care if people are stingy and stupid whereas I'm not so this guy I told him my story he goes you are the luckiest man in Jamaica he goes you don't know would they kill tourists because if they get caught robbing a tourist they do the same time as murder they always kill tourists they would have
Definitely bury you in the ground. No one find you for years. They never let you go and give police report. You're the luckiest man in the world. I never am going to Jamaica ever again.
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