Transcript
Dry nuggets.
Do they do gravy?
Do McDonald's do gravy? I don't think they're right. Christmas isn't happening Dave. You're gonna have to get over that plate. Boil some Brussels sprouts, put those on the plate. Make some cabbage, mash some potatoes, put that on the plate. There's no cuisine in English cuisine. Desserts first, it's Christmas. Too hot. I'll burn my face off while driving. I'll see. It's Christmas.
Let me make this very very clear. If you're expecting some other food or some other... No, this is it. So eat while you can. Because no supermarkets are open. And my fridge is notoriously empty because I eat only at restaurants. So this is what you get. When you cry later than your lunch.
Mmmmm. The taste of festive joy. It tastes like Dave's crushed hopes and dreams.
It does taste better than a fucking Yorkshire.
Bittersweet. It tastes like Dave's lack of festive fulfillment.
It tastes like someone got Rudolph, shot him out of the sky with a sniper rifle, and then fucked his dead body while Santa watched.
a murderous rampage. That was me. Through the North Pole. All the little helper elves who are just making little toys, all smiling, just walks in with a big boner and a chainsaw. He says, suck this or die. All the little elves are like, ah, he starts chopping them up with a chainsaw and then everyone gets in a row trying to suck his dick so they don't die and he's just chopping heads off and his boners everywhere and jizzes everywhere and bloods everywhere. It's possibly the most horrific Christmas tale ever told. You haven't
especially not Christmas. The Boner Grinch. The Boner Grinch. The Boner Grinch. Chainsaw in one hand, axe in the other. Massive dong. The 10-inch Grinch.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
May we finish?
Thank you.
Merry McChristmas.
*Loud clunk*
*
- Thank you.
You said you were half black, so...
How old do you know that?
- Very well, mate, isn't it? - I want a vanilla junky chocolate. I want this Santa wog. - You got another one in there?
Thank you.
This? Yeah.
- Oh.
I don't want it. You couldn't have bought me anything that I couldn't have bought for myself. I don't want it. Andy, do you want your gift? The main garment is yours.
What is it?
Some full dash flow there.
Have a look.
You'll be a fan.
Brown Santa, because you're half blank. He is mixed race, so I guess
PC, PC Center. That's Lynx Africa for either one of you.
Thank you.
Every man must have one of these.
- I appreciate it.
classic links is that they still make this oh yeah bestseller
- Thanks, Africa. - That's right. Thank you very much. I'm pretty sure nobody in Africa smells this way.
- Oh God.
And here's the main gift
Thank you.
Absolute essential at Christmas time.
Thank you.
Grinch.
You know what? Because it has a Grinch on it, I'm gonna wear it. Good man. If it was Santa or some bullshit, I wouldn't wear it. But because it's a Grinch, it suits you. It suits me. So everyone knows
I'm not happy. It's Christmas.
I don't believe in good cheer for all men.
I fucking hate everybody.
So I'm gonna rock it.
with obviously my super muscles and shit make it look G. That's how it is. Green G. Green G.
The 10 inch Grinch.
Mm-hmm.
Christmas cracker.
- You might have that in there.
You have made my Christmas a little bit special Dave. Well thank you very much mate. It's an absolute pleasure. I didn't give you anything.
Yeah, it's a bird. Looks a bit like nothing. The McNuggets kind of.
Why don't you know, if you've been with us long enough, and I want you to say something on camera. Have you ever drunk as much alcohol in your life as you drink existing with us? I do feel quite ill. We are professional boozers. Everyone else goes, oh I drank once hard that day. Day after day, we professionally booze.
Copious amounts. Unsolvable. Unforgivable amounts of booze. We can tear through booze like humans can't tear through booze. That's what we do.
In the cinema when you're throwing off, we drink the same amount, and the next day, with breakfast, start with beer, and you get boozy. Mmm. That's how champions do it. So, today we know a casino where we get unlimited free drinks because we've spent so much money there.
- And that's where we go. - Boozing. Boozing and gambling. Gamboozling.
Is the Grinch feeling lucky?
Oh, boar knocker. I'm with a whole ton of money. That's the plan. It's free alcohol, but we lose.
Money. Well you lose. I always win. Throw you one black baby, let it ride.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Hello and welcome back to the most expensive and the most offensive thing on the internet at the moment.
I'm a broadcasting live firm Hotel
Bellwedy
Hotel very dear
You know what I mean?
Look at that.
Quite a nice amount of wine.
you anyway reason I'm broadcasting is because more questions from our lovely listeners
- Oh, it's up.
subscribers this one comes from Suzo is nuts
agree with you Suza and not sue boat might be super
minors and yeah and she asked how do the boys make their money
it must be something to do with drugs.
Thank you.
Sadly not. When I agreed to an all expensive trip I thought you know
I don't need drugs, but...
would have made it a bit more
Enjoyable. Yeah, no, there's no drugs.
Zero drugs.
Just a lot of boozing. I've asked the boys what they're doing for work and they haven't really disclosed full details to me.
- The first time we have been in the
Thank you.
Thank you.
What are we doing here?
- Thank you.
work.
Thank you.
Ah, this cup was just one letter out for the perfect description.
of my employer, Andrew Tank.
So I've come up with the three things I believe.
Oh, they have income.
Thank you.
They're slightly mysterious still.
Yes.
Because the place I'm renting here now is jacuzzi on the roof.
- In Bucarrest or here? - Here in Russia. I'm just right now. I'm only here for two days. Three days, I understand. - Today's winnings in the casino are now being spent on slot machines.
- They're not being spent, they're being invested.
*Mario plays*
90-R goes? No, because it's all on camera. They'll think you're going to come over and do the machines over.
What happened when the Pharaoh paid me £100? If you're watching this documentary you're going to think it's fake. Some fat bitch WH Smith employee came over and told you to stop filming. I won £100. Andrew's upset. She was upset. The whole world's upset. The Pharaoh never lets me down. Let's go gambling.
I thought of this idea a good while ago based on several things that I currently do.
It's an amalgamation of several projects
and businesses that I run into an app that I think could make
people who use it, a fair bit of money myself.
a lot of money as I'm hoping to sell it but I think it could be the next
big popular thing. I'm not one of these idiots who believes in his idea so much that I'm sure it's going to be the next Snapchat and everyone's going to download it, but it's unique. It's an original idea.
and if I can get a few hundred thousand users then I can sell it
but exactly what it is, I won't say
just yet. Partly because
I don't know you Dave and you know you might know some nerds who can build an app and steal my idea. So let's not do that. Not just Jeff.
Wouldn't you stick with your act like, you know, wouldn't you want to see it all the way through? Like Zuckerberg?
Zut!
Lemme, I'll cover him in a second. I've got business to take care of.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Perfect and that's all I need to launch the app and get it up and running.
Okay. Okay, okay. Did you send all the notes to the design team? As I said, it was very small changes. You have a very good idea of what I was trying to do, but have you sent them those notes?
- Yeah.
Okay. So I'm...
He is in. Good, good.
Okay, I'll be sending you the invoice directly. So what I'll do is that if you're paying directly, I'll be sending you the different invoice which would be a simple invoice. So I'll be sending you that particular invoice in the next half an hour. Perfect and I'll sort that ASAP and that will go again directly into your Indian bank account in rupees.
- Yeah.
Perfect, perfect, sure. Okay, speak soon, goodbye.
Thank you.
Signal was going a bit. But yeah, as I was saying, this app I'm gonna
Launcher, que
you know hopefully a couple thousand of thousands of users via my advertising campaign if it can grow to tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of users
Things like this are worth a lot of money.
Now, you know, there are plenty of jackasses out there who says, "I have an idea for this app, for that app." They never go through with it. Their ideas never come to fruition. Everything I've ever done in my life, I've been successful at.
For everything.
You know, when I was 16, I started working in a sandwich shop. I became a team leader at 17. Is that a big achievement? No. Are people at my age who make sandwiches for a living worms? A bit. But you never forget where you come from. And everything I've ever tried, I've been successful at. So...
this application from what I do now, to my former television advertising agency, which made me a lot of money, I believe,
is going to do really well and if I can build it up big enough
I'll sell it instantly.
So you wouldn't stay on like Zuckerberg, like you know, Mark Zuckerberg, who's a hero to a lot of him?
Let me tell you two things about him.
you know,
great idea, Facebook, amazing. Made a lot of money, very financially successful guy, has more money than I'll probably realistically make but
He's also one of the goofiest
Wormiest men on the face of the planet. He was offered millions hundreds of millions for Facebook and no that's not enough I love my project. I love Facebook so much. I want to run it. Let me float it on the stock market Let me marry the fucking ugliest woman in the world who looks like a Vietnamese Manny Pacquiao. He's Absolutely backwards. Why is he still working? Why is he doing he's got billions of dollars. There you go, Suso zero drugs. Oh
Lots of booze.
Lots of mystery.
Doesn't really answer your question at all.
I can assure you if they were involved with drugs,
Thank you.
they would be dead.
I'd be dead.
Thank you.
It's a fantastic death.
I'd be dead.
so no drugs
Just booze.
I'm the worst drug of all.
Money.
Thanks.
slash the best jug of all
Yeah, not going on this.
All expenses.
Jetabug, Jetabug, Jetabug
It's not Hollywood.
It's significantly cheaper.
is Brasov, Romania.
We were here, staying at Hotel Belvedere,
for Andrew had come to get himself a Christmas present.
The mysterious
The elusive.
package.
After all, who doesn't deserve a little gift this time of year? It is the season of giving.
But first, there was breakfast. Strange kind of egg, frankfurtas in oil.
there's more little sausages and rashes of bacon
Muesli, cucumber, olives,
Omelette what looked like tuna.
Just too much cheese. Loads of meat.
Not quite full English, is it? Not in England.
I'm not.
Thankfully so, thankfully so. One thing I was hoping to get your opinion of.
This time of year you see a lot of videos online
people giving to the charities, people giving to homeless people. Once pranksters are now
Charit ball.
Do gooders.
- Where do you stand on that? - What wine groups you mean? It's not charity is it? It's charity if you do it purely for the good of someone else, that's the whole point of charity. If you're doing it and filming it,
and putting yourself online doing it, and writing some bullshit like, "This time of year I just couldn't help myself." Setting up a fucking eight-camera tripod system to catch every single second of your charitable deed, then it's not charity, it's buying Facebook likes.
That's all it is, it's bollocks and they're wankers, no one who believes it or shares it as a fucking prick anyway. Who are these pranksters anyway? Like since when can you go around and like just fuck with people in their everyday life and it's funny? When someone comes up to me and like takes my sandwich out of my hand and throws something on me and it's funny. Like I will literally end your life if you wanna fuck with me on that level. Since when is that cool and acceptable just to go through life and your only mission just to be to piss everyone off? Locked up, all of them. Dickheads.
- They are. - Now they're like, oh, like you said, oh Cherry. - Yeah. - Oh, I did this. And they've recorded and they've got their fucking radio mic on. Fuck you.
It's not cherry, it's buying Facebook likes.
What if I had to tell you I give money to homeless people all the time and I never ever film it? What if I had to tell you I tip everywhere I go? Every time I see someone who's on the street I give them money. I never ever film it. This is bullshit. It's not cherry is it? It's not a selfless act.
Fuck everyone.
We were back in the apartments where existed the super bed, the worlds largest bed.
And I would...
soon to be greeted by the lovely Romanian man
who, um,
shared his egg with me.
Sebastian. How are you? Good. The guys are wise. Shave my fachets. Huh? Shave my fachets. Yeah.
That was me saying "shave my fat chits" not "shave my fat tits"
it means how are you in romanian he laughed it off because the pronunciation was
horrendous
-
- I'm sick of him, right?
Let us help us a little bit. Maybe we need your help. We're going to be. We're going to be. Run away.
First sign of the package.
Jesus Christ. Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside?
Jesus Christ.
Got it?
Bloody hell. Even as a mere observer I felt the strain of this ridiculous package. Halfway across the world and it still took four blokes to get it down a couple of stairs.
The Occupational Hazard being a G
Sometimes you damage the hand so
Keep the pin pan while protected
Let's see, custom made. - Open it here to each individual. - How the fuck are we getting this upstairs? - Yep, the box is over here.
Got to take it apart and bring each piece individually.
*Tonk*
As you can see there, package for Andrew Tate, destination Bucharest, job number 6160801.
Thank you.
Apparently he specifically asked for that job number as that's what he does.
hmm
He did not. What?
There was no need to borrow that.
These side panels will come off.
because the nails are on the side.
Thank you.
-
The boys battered the box, they started putting out plastic
wrapped objects.
which looked quite heavy. I was still none the wiser as to what the bloody hell was in these...
plastic bags
Okay.
and you disappeared
those two things remained
And of course there was this. The largest of the package. Still as mysterious as when
he first announced it. Didn't look like AK-47s though.
The newspaper it's wrapped in seems to come from Indonesia. ASEAN plus woman in Jakarta. Last time I caught up in this package four months ago it was in Lussarn, Switzerland.
and they're charging me money every day. I don't know how to... Switzerland's landlocked. I don't know how to go off a boat into Switzerland.
Yeah, this is extra. This is all of you to use water.
-
to have water inside here. Yeah. Yeah. And will you be able to come out? These, right next. Will the water come out here? Yeah. Yeah, come out here.
Were you able to see the pump or the pump? You didn't know, we got all the pump cases inside. Do you have any access to the water?
-
Thank you.
These were not.
the main contents of the package, there were mere extras.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I give you
a package which has travelled halfway across the world, costing a ridiculous amount of money.
mainly in fees.
Here it is.
the package.
*music*
It's a dragon.
A fucking dragon.
Of course it is.
Fire! I'll take you to burn! Fire!
I'll take you to learn!
Ah, where was I last Christmas? Who knows?
It's never gonna beat again, faulty heart, it's got no rhythm, and it's easy to pretend, but sadly, it must be true.
R .I .P. George Michael, finally struck down by the jitterbug. Apologies. Great man, great singer.
Killed by irony, really.
With that in mind, let's get the opinion of the man responsible for offending the trending. With George Michael's death, obviously everywhere on social media, it would be ignorant of me not to ask the most offensive man on the internet for his thoughts. Mr Andrew Tate.
Thank you.
*Mario's voice*
- I'm finding, George Michael's died recently. Outbreaks on social media. - Has he? Is everyone a George Michael fan now, are they? - So, you fucker.
- You're a fucker. - Fuck off. - Shit.
So yeah, basically everyone's been prying out their sympathy for George. He's the number one trending. Didn't he take, like, fuck loads of drugs, though, all the time? You know, like, I don't have that big a beef with George Michael, but let's take Amy Winehouse, for example. Everyone's like, oh, she died. She was a genius. She was a musical genius. She sung about not wanting to go to rehab. Then died of drugs. Then died of a drug overdose. So it was like, oh, poor girl, you fucking retard. Like, you should have gone to rehab, bitch. What the fuck's wrong with you? I'm going to take loads of drugs.
do whatever I want, I'm a rebel, I'm a musical genius. If you were such a genius, you'd just fucking put the drugs down and something is spastic. Now you're dead. If she had never died and was still alive to this day, she'd have faded into obscurity, no one would know who she is, no one would listen to her music. Why doesn't this dog want to bite my hat? No sympathy for Winehouse or Michael. Michael took loads of drugs, okay, I didn't mind Michael
I'm not gonna give a fuck about celebrity death until a celebrity starts giving a fuck about me. If Michael called me every Sunday and said, "How was your week, my man? You want some cash?" Then I'd care. But in reality, if you were to say, "Andrew Tate" to George Michael, he'd be like, "Who?" He'd be like, "Who?" He'd give a fuck. If I died, would he write about it on his Facebook? No. I think if you were to say, "Andrew Tate" to George Michael now, you wouldn't get any reply. Probably not. Even in death, most people are afraid to ignore me. I've got my shay. What about 2016 overall?
I mean, the year of the... A bunch of people I don't know, and a bunch of people who don't know me died. Boo-hoo. Here's a fuck. You mean like every other year since human history began? People live, people die. Welcome to the real world. This box was alive. Came all the way from Thailand. Got murked.
Look how shit goes.
This is a Biddybug.
Do the book.
To the God.
- Are actually pretty much the good guys in the world. I think that, if we're talking about Russia in general,
My scope on the world and my view on the world has been shaped by my father's view. My father was obviously
American intelligence so I guess I should be very very pro-West but when you look at the world for what it actually genuinely is
I believe the Russians have had a pretty hard deal. And I believe that
In the West, we are sold and we are told
that the Russians are always the bad guys. The Russians are doing the bad thing in Syria. The Russians are doing this bad. The Russians are doing that bad.
We do the bad things.
We funded a whole bunch of groups in Syria.
so they'd fight ISIS.
those groups are fighting ISIS and the legitimate government and fuck knows who else, because we don't know who they're fighting. And Russia's just blowing up anyone who's not the government.
I agree with Russia, I think they're doing the right thing. We talk about Russia being aggressive because they annexed Crimea.
But if you look at the post-USSR world, who's been aggressive? The USSR had all these countries as buffer states between Russia and the West. They had Hungary, they had Slovakia, they had Belarus, they had Ukraine. They had all these countries as buffer states between the Russia
between the USSR and between the West. And now, since the USSR has fallen, all those countries have joined the EU.
So who's been aggressive when all the countries that were previously USSR now all join the EU, all join NATO,
all put in anti-missile systems along their border. All have tanks along their border. Imagine Russia bought Ireland.
What would England be saying?
You know, so who's... Exactly. So who... Our Guinness. So who's the aggressive ones? We're the aggressive ones. We want to take all the buffer states away, put the European Union and NATO, which is an unfightable force. Russia stands 0% chance in a war against NATO. Literally zero.
They also have a chance to war against America alone, let alone NATO. So, 0% chance, and you want to bring it right up to the Russian border. We're in Romania right now and there's a bunch of American soldiers around, and there's a big fucking thing on the news and problems going on because they're building an anti-missile system in Russia, I mean, here in Romania, on the Russian border.
The whole idea of nuclear weapons is that it's a mutual destruction. That's the idea. If we fire one, you fire one, mutually destroy it so no one uses nukes. America's putting anti-missile systems everywhere so you can't ever nuke the EU. You can't ever nuke America.
So that means they have nukes and Russia doesn't.
So it takes the balance away again.
And that's the whole point of it.
So they're just expanding NATO, expanding the EU at a rate now, where Turkey can shoot down a Russian fighter jet on its way to Syria. There was a Russian fighter jet on its way to Syria that was in Turkish airspace for less than four seconds, got shot down, killed the jet, killed the pilot. Would Turkey dare do that to Russia if Turkey wasn't a member of NATO? No! They shoot the guy's jet down when it has a three second airspace violation. It wasn't taking the piss. Three seconds. They shoot him out of the sky, kill the guy, then they call America, "Oh, we piss Russia off. If they come get us, can you save us?"
That's bullshit. So who's starting the problems? We are. Putin, if you actually listen to him, is one of the smartest, most logical men on the planet. And that's why I'm so happy Trump won, because Trump has enough brain to sit down with Putin man to man and prevent World War III. Clinton and her fucking bullshit was going to literally spark the beginning of a world war with this anti-Russian rhetoric. We've already fucked Russia every way we could.
Wars aren't fought on the battlefield anymore. Wars are fought in completely different ways.
Wars are fought electronically, wars are fought economically. And even now, if you look at the news where people are saying that,
The Russians helped Trump win because they hacked the Hillary emails and they made, they, they, they leaked all her emails prior to the campaign. They helped Trump win. Well, maybe they did the right thing.
Maybe they actually understood that if Trump gets in, there can actually be some genuine cooperation between the West and Russia as opposed to Clinton, who's a career politician, who's been trained to be anti-Russia so long that she wants to fuck Russia out of every single business deal.
grow the EU, grow NATO, put weapons on their borders, and then think, well, what are they mad for?
Russians are the bad guys.
You know, we've already devalued the Russian ruble. This is how a war is fought. After MH17, when that plane got shot down over Ukraine, no one still knows who does it, did it. We say it's the Russians, people say it's Ukraine or separatists or whatever. When that got shot down,
America makes a phone call to Saudi Arabia and all the other OPEC countries to stop producing oil. No, sorry, says flood the market with oil. All these oil producing companies, flood the market with oil.
Because you go do as America says.
All your oil barrels flood it, flood it, flood it. The price of oil drops 70% within a week, and the Russian rubles worth half the value.
Literally within three days of that happening, the Russian ruble went down half the value. Imagine you have a currency and it's worth half of what it was.
So you saved up a million pounds your whole life, now you've got 500 grand. Bang. That's war. That's war already fought. So how are we rushing the bad guys? We don't even know who shot the plane down.
The West are the bad guys. The West are completely the bad guys. Since World War II, America's owned the world. They've done whatever the fuck they wanted. They thought that if they're in control of it, nothing bad will happen. And it's been nothing but complete war, devastation, destruction. So I genuinely think in most scenarios, Russia are the smart guys. I think Russia's...
A pretty good country. Good answer.
Let's go straight to Trump from there.
Trump. Trump's the man. People...
hated the idea of Trump. - Yeah, because- - Trump was demonized as the worst thing to ever happen to politics. - Yeah, because these are leftist, these are little leftist
easily offended hippies. They don't have any concept of the real world. What people don't understand is
People say to me, "Oh, Andrew's violin, Andrew's this, Andrew's that." What I understand about the world that most people don't is that the world requires balance. It's the oldest thing in the world. It's like the Chinese philosophy of yin and yang. You've got the black and the white.
You need to have someone who's smart, but you also need to have someone who understands violence and understands that violence has an applicable role.
Nowadays leftists want to go through the world and think violence is wrong, this is wrong, that's wrong. Violence isn't wrong. Violence is subjective.
If someone breaks into your house and wants to hurt your family, you're going to get violent.
So it depends, everything has a place on this planet. Leftists don't understand this. So they get so easily offended by someone or by something and they think it's 100% bad. Trump's not 100% bad.
Trump has a place, this place for people like Trump, and I currently genuinely believe his place is at the head of the United States of America. Who was the alternative?
Hillary.
a career politician. Literally, what amazes me most is all these lefts who complain about Trump, they complain about the establishment and they complain about the corporations and then they want to get Hillary in power. Hillary is completely what you dislike. She has pretty much no career her whole life besides being in politics. That's all she's ever done and she sucked the right dick of bills so now she gets a chance to be president. How does that work?
Trump is the American dream personified. The American dream is you can make your own money, you can get rich, you can be president. That's what he's done.
He started with a million, fair enough, but he's become a billionaire. So he ain't stupid. He knows what he's doing. He's become president of the United States.
What's wrong with that? But leftists don't accept it. No, he's wrong. He once said one bad thing about someone once. People say bad things about people. Welcome to the real world. If we just drop the bullshit and I'll stop getting so easily offended by stupid little things and drop the dumb shit and look at the actual reality of the earth. There's not a single person on this planet, including the leftist hippies who ate Trump, who haven't said a bad thing about someone at some point. That's how the world fucking functions. He said some bad things about some people. Big whoop. He's going to be a better president than Hillary ever would have. So get the fuck over it.
Trump is a G. And the worst thing about it all, what amazes me most, is that most of the people crying, it's not going to affect their lives anyway.
Like, people are like, "Oh, Trump's gonna be the..." You smoke weed, you work at an antique shop. What the fuck does it matter if Trump is president or not? Really?
Lucy, 21 from Scumthorpe, what the fuck does it matter if Trump's president or Hillary's president or there is no president? You are literally achieving pretty much next to nothing with your life.
Next to nothing. You're not in politics. You haven't got fucking stocks and shares and companies that matter. Literally most of the people I saw complaining about Trump on Facebook either A
didn't really understand politics in the first place, or B, it would not affect them who's president anyway. If you're broke, you're gonna stay broke. If you're rich, you're gonna stay rich. Politics has actually very little effect on someone's life.
The only thing politics can do is set a few laws like "don't kill".
Don't rob. Don't steal. Besides these basic outlines, you've got people like me who are going to go and become millionaires on their own, and you've got people who just sit around going, "I'm not rich because of the conservatives." "I'm not rich because of Trump." "I'm not rich because of..." And just excuse makers. Just excuse makers. It's not matter who's in charge. You're still going to be a shit muncher. So what the fuck do you care for?
Of course you hate Trump. You're a hippie. Your hair is too long. You ain't got a job. You want to walk up and down the street saying, down with Trump, like putting someone else in there is going to change shit. It ain't going to change a thing. You're still going to stink. You're still going to need to shave your armpits, Lucy. Fuck you.
May I ask you a serious question? Absolutely.
Have you ever grabbed someone by the pussy?
No, but I've been inspired by the President of the United States of America, and if he can do it, anyone can.
Hi, welcome back to the most pointless and maybe the most vulgar thing on the internet at the moment. I'm currently sat here in Europe's largest thermal park. Sipping on a pina colada. It's 10:30 on a Friday morning. Not exactly a brunch bar but it's a pretty decent substitute.
Someone got a contact with me recently on Twitter and asked me, "What Dave, by the way, loving the show, etc, etc, and boring, alright, what do you actually think of Andrew and Tristan? What's your honest opinion of the tape products?" Honest.
Hard to give my honest opinion when they're paying for stuff like this.
My head is getting beaten to death with water. This one, I believe, is also doing that.
Quite aggressively.
That one is, that one's uncomfortable.
- What can I do about this? Handy with bloody levels.
Thank you.
Cocktail, blue sweater. Give him my best shot. Tristan is a man I can sum up with one singular Facebook status.
Think of Andrew Tate, kickboxing world champion. Obviously he's detestable and hateful, and goes without saying.
I'm trying my best. Probably.
His rants are, he can't dispute his rants really. They're grounded in good logic. They've just come across a bit hateful. The snow should be banned.
You live in a fucking fantasy land.
Humans eat meat. We're designed to eat meat. I eat meat. Lots of people eat meat.
Fuck your carrots, fuck you.
Do a banner, fuck vegetarians. Fuck vegetarians. I want that banner throughout this whole episode.
Fuck vegetarians
Tired of their bullshit. But there's actually real role models out there in the world. There's real men out there that you should look up to and you should respect. Like Stone Cold Steve Austin. What they should do, they should...
You should have a license to Facebook.
You should have to apply and prove you're not a fucking shit-munching dickhead.
before you're allowed to post on Facebook.
Michael took loads of drugs. Okay, I didn't mind Michael as much, but Amy was a complete prick. Amy Winehouse probably should have gone through here. It's true. But, yeah. He seems to hate everything, including Christmas. He enjoys spending money. And the only thing he's actually shown any love for is Jeremy Kyle. Jeremy Kyle's my favourite show ever.
At least Graham, because this is not normal, is it? This is not normal, baby.
Yeah, so, oh, text from Andrew.
Banner. That's all it says, banner.
What do I think about Andrew? You tell me. Ciao.
And getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have to
Classic. Classic Jelly Maccas. Such a win.
and breakfast.
Thank you.
- So I'm gonna do something.
Bye.
Welcome back. To probably the most offensive
An expensive thing ever made for the internet.
- Thank you.
New Year's Eve, so
Bucharest.
Romania
not kidnapped, still alive.
I've bought myself a new shirt.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Flowers.
That was on black.
I'm quite looking forward to seeing what Andrew's got planned for us. He's put me in a flat and boot for rest by myself but...
Not for me.
as you can see. Bucharest, as it turns out, is actually a pretty fantastic city. How have I spent the last few days
filming everything and anything that I think is cool, usually with zooms
Forget if Carlsberg did Christmas trees, what about Grouch did Christmas trees? Number 33 looks pretty sinister.
And that's a man holding a dog.
Running off the Christmas dinner. Well played soldiers.
you
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus all the way.
Oh what fun it is to be with JC when he's not feeling gay.
That's the pub that killed George Michael, careless.
DM DM.
the Indian maybe ridiculous to be poor curious
Mr. Porky this.
It was all for love, it was all for tuna. They don't even sell tuna.
Cats are on fire! Felines are so terrified! Cats are on fire!
Da da da da da da da da da da da
That's a mega pan.
- That's your booty.
Thank you.
Mago.
Super fluff, super bet, bet it's super good.
And this is of course blood, blood, blood, blood, blood. The Impaler. Haven't seen him for a while. He said just lay low.
Um...
You know, it gave me a bit of money, spent wisely.
Dr. Ann Cabana.
Intenso.
intense
so is my life.
Intent so.
Swede as well.
I bought myself a new shirt, it's New Year's Eve. It's gonna happen.
Yep.
Looking forward to going out on the town.
Yeah, so, Louis' Eve.
Tate side. Who knows what's going to happen?
Who cares?
Cheers!
*Burr*
Addie T.
Why are you so dark?
What do you mean? It's almost New Year's Eve. It's dark, you know.
Why is it so light there?
Where are you? During the New Year's Eve day.
.
Of course there was
There's not.
There's not. New Year's Eve is for people who need like an excuse to get drunk. They're like, on New Year's Eve, I get to, you know, have champagne and get drunk and I don't have to get up the next day, which is pretty much every day of my fucking life. So I have no reason to celebrate that dumb shit. Ooh, champagne. I can drink, I am champagne. I can drink as much champagne. I can drink champagne until I die. Any day of the week and never get up because I'm a retired millionaire. Why the fuck do I care about New Year's Eve?
Thank you.
So...
That's a reason. - Let me see. I can't see it. It's fucking... It's nice. It's got flowers on it. It's silk.
It's pretty cool.
Yeah, alright, well you're gonna struggle because I'm in England.
You're in England?
And a check badge. What's that say?
That says Aston Martin. It says... Correct. I'm in England. That's something to do.
I tried to... I was gonna tell you about it. I thought, "You know what, Dave, you're filming this thing. Maybe I should tell him." "But I think you got boozed out of your mind with Tristan, and you were both asleep." "I thought, 'Fuck this.' So I got blame." I boozed and loosed.
You lose, you lose. I'm England. Fuck New Year's.
My plan for tonight is, you know what the plan for tonight is? What I'm going to do. I'm going to do what I always do on New Year's Eve, which is sacrifice my own money on a mission to ruin other people's day. So what I do is I go to a casino, I go to a table where there's someone and a little bit. You know, because on New Year's Eve there's always amateur gamers, not professionals like me. And they've got like two or three pounds on each number, and they've got like 50 quid in total, and they go there for a bit of fun. So what I do, they're a big ball in money, and I start putting 100 pounds on each number.
So when it comes in, I make three and a half grand. And the problem next to me is like, Ross, I was happy when I was winning 19 pound. They put one number here, one number there. And they just go, yay, every time they win. But then they start seeing me make real money. They're like, maybe I can make real money. And I see them. I watch them change. And they don't keep track of how much I lose or win. They just start thinking, wow, he's hitting 100 pound numbers. Before you know it, they're at the cash point taking out money they ain't got. Gambling money they ain't got. And they go broke on New Year's. My mission, I don't care how much I have to lose.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't care about what you're going to do. I'll be honest with you.
You're alright, but I just don't give a fuck about your entertainment. I'm sorry. On the list of priorities, you know, like, my health, my money, my entertainment, you're coming in somewhere around 25. And anything that's not the top three ain't really getting much value. 25. I'm quite pleased you're 25. Okay, well, um...
I suppose I'm just in Bucharest by myself then.
Yeah, you're in Romania on your own. Be careful, it's dangerous.
Oh dear.
Thank you.
All right.
- Thank you.
So with Andrew out of the country and his Aston Martin
and Tristan Busy Entertaining.
I was left to the streets of Bucharest.
But luckily,
Someone found a street party.
Who's that?
You tell me. Let's just say the shirt worked.
- Yeah.
What was I doing last night?
*sniff*
I don't know, what was Romulus and Remus doing last night?
I was up to the same thing.
Not that she's a dog with multiple breasts.
Chasing out no, because that was...
all over them.
Thank you.
Pile the shirt.
Street party, Old City, Bucharest.
It's the bestie.
Thank you.
Fact
.
So,
Just...
Cheers with her.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
What's that?
Okay.
Can you call me a taxi?
taxi
Mm.
*music*
Having been abandoned by both Andrew and Tristan, as well as some absolute beauty on New Year's Day, I decided to chase a rat.
and film some cool stuff.
It's the giant can of Pepsi.
issue average Romanian roundabout.
Bye.
Thank Jesus above that I had some old footage of Andrew answering your questions.
Because if I was a better man, I have social media, I would not know about the ice bucket challenge. I would not know about fucking when I feel afraid. All the dumb shit that pisses me off on a daily basis would not even enter my brain.
The ice bucket challenge was one of the most stressful periods of my life. Where I couldn't scroll up and down Facebook without some fucking attention-seeking dickhead. It started off as ice bucket challenge. And towards the end, people started calling it my bucket challenge. Because they were too pussy to even put ice in the water. I don't think I didn't notice, motherfuckers. I noticed. It started as ice bucket challenge. Few people did it. Then some dickhead skank, Rihanna, or some other hoe, comes along and goes, my bucket challenge, with her warm water and her mates. Yay! Doesn't even know what ALS is.
donate a penny to fucking charity, she just wants a few likes on a video and wants to get her fucking tits out and a wet t-shirt.
If you want to be a hoe that bad, inbox me. If you're that desperate to be a hoe, I can get you fucked. Just message me, it's fine. You don't need to be getting water out, making a mess. It's pointless.
It's pointless. Fuck social media. Next question. My bucket challenge could mean something very different. Listen, my friend, there's a whole ton of buckets all over Facebook during that shit. I saw it from my damn self. It's pissing me off. And even people I had respect for, even people I thought, "Nah, my man's a G."
Fuck him, he'd resist for a few weeks and he's thinking, "Mame, I put a video up, I'll definitely get 100 likes with this shit."
Yo, Broville, ALS, yo. I shout out Mike.
I shout out James. Like, no one gives a fuck about your stupid friends. No one cares if they're wet or not. No one cares if they live or die.
No one cares if they get run over by a truck, let alone fucking get water on their head. No one cares.
I must be the only person I know who didn't do the ice bucket challenge.
Scroll through my shit, Dave. You're not gonna find one. It ain't there. Challenge accepted. I'm not a dickhead. I am not a dickhead. I- everyone was saying to me, "Tate, when you're doing one?" I call out Andrew Tate, "Oh, now you have to do it." The only thing I have to do is breathe, motherfucker. I ain't gonna do it because you told me to. You're not my boss.
Who the fuck are you? Do you know how many people I blocked for trying to tag me in that shit? Never spoke to them again.
Saw me walking down the street, "Hey, how you been?" I'm like, "Fuck you, fuck your mum, get away from me, fuck Dice Bucket Challenge." Question from Feminist.
Klaue
Coming all the way from Swansea.
She says, "Don't you f-?" - Why is a feminist watching me?
She says the following, "Don't you find
Don't you f...she's adjusted to me. She said, "David, don't you find
and you despicable with women. - C, A.
Feminist.
Why are you watching me?
You're trying to offend yourself.
It's like, why would an antelope go watch a lion eat an antelope and just stand there and just say, "That's wrong. Shouldn't do that." Like, why? There's nothing good's gonna come if the lion, me, isn't gonna give a fuck what you think. So why are you even watching me? A. B. What if I said that's despicable? I believe that men and women are made to be together. I believe a woman can fuck who she wants. I believe a man can fuck who she wants.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a man fucking as many hot girls as he wants to. If he wants to be married and have one girl, good. If he wants to have 100,000 girls and never be married for the rest of his life, good. If a woman wants to go out there and be a prostitute and make her money and fuck guys and be a stripper, good. If a girl wants to be a virgin and meet one guy and marry him, good. I believe everyone should be free to do what they want, so I'm not sexist in any regard.
I believe I'm a young man and I don't have to get married if I don't want to and I'm allowed as many girlfriends as I want to have and they're allowed to do whatever they want to do. They haven't got to be with me. If they want to be with me, it's their decision.
So, Clara,
Get the fuck off my page. 'Cause I know you're only watching it because you want me anyway. Let's cut the bullshit. You've been hanging around too many vegans, too many vegetarians, too many pussy-ass men. That's why you've grown this stupid-ass attitude thinking you're special. "Oh, I'm Clara. I'm a feminist." As soon as you say you're a feminist, any man who continues to talk to you is a bitch.
If we went on a date and you said I'm a feminist, I would just say, "Okay, back in a minute, I'd stand up and I'd walk. That'd be the end of our conference. We'd never talk again." So any man you talk to right now, such a weak version of man, of course you're a feminist. You don't know who a man is.
You don't know what a man is, you've never been around a man. You're around the little weak versions of men, and that's why you think you know I'm a feminist. Women are just as powerful as males as bollocks. Listen, come hang with a real G. Come hang with a real man, I will defeminize you. Guaranteed within a week, you'll be like, Ross, Tate's smarter than me. He can definitely whoop my ass. He's got more money in the bank, and he can do a ton of things I cannot do. I take it all back. I'm going to cut my dreadlocks off. I'm going to start behaving, cooking, cleaning, getting naked when Tate says so.
Come hang with me, I'll defeminize you. Fuck you, Clara.
Next question. Inbox from Clara. She says,
I think I'm thinking about applying.
I look forward to it. Clark, you're very welcome. I'll get you a one-way flight. That's a genuine offer.
Filling up the beer. Back tight side, you can tell can't you?
I'd say just a few beers, literally all the Heineken's they had in the supermarket.
So...
Thank you.
Lads, lads, lads. Nice hotel room, I smashed my head twice. Fuck. Cheers.
So what's the plan, governor?
Done it.
Three honeycombs.
Mm-hmm.
I think we're going to England tomorrow. I'll use that laptop or go to get flights.
No problem.
Back to Luton.
uh... yeah this location for some more all in that thing for a couple days of this figure
I think we've done India. India.
You ever pretend to ya? You want them to go?
No, it's actually...
One of the places I really don't want to go. Too bad. Have you been to India?
No.
Do you want to go?
Somali.
- I got some list. - Shouldn't I have vaccinations and stuff?
.
If you didn't get them done, it's not my problem.
Have you got vaccinations?
I'm immune to everything.
*clap*
Thank you.
*sad music*
Thank you.
Just a quiet night in.
No.
*Tonk*
*sad*
-
Thank you.
To be honest, I needed to drink that just to deal with the news that I'm going to India. So with that Andrew being here and the news that I'm now going to India,
It came as no surprise that I drank myself into a bit of a stupor last night.
mainly just to deal with it.
No rejection
the fear of the shit
Because going to India, that is literally going to be hell. I can't handle a frappe.
I mean, the milk and the ice,
Too much for my stomach, it's pathetic I know, but
When I got to do it, it did.
I go crazy, sometimes out of jail I'm crazy, but I suffer.
But I think it's going to be worth it. I'm not going to order the corner.
and be a person.
I'll go mental.
Another Jeffreysu.
or Dansack.
Tikka Masala average
Buna.
Definitely, but Buna comes at a price as they all do. - A review.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
I'm screwed. Absolutely screwed.
And it's not like when you get the shits, it's going to be nice, you know,
porcelain toilet.
I've seen Sound Dog Mini there, they're shitting in wooden shacks!
They don't even wipe!
So...
I don't know, I really don't know.
How I'm going to survive this, we'll have to see.
Maybe I just won't eat.
That's important.
quite a logical
No, I like a poppadon. Can't go wrong with a poppadon or a gnar.
But they're inescapable, the shits.
They are inescapable, there's no way
You can avoid the shits in India. It's a fact.
Is that?
If anyone has any advice, please let me know.
Please.
I will pay for advice, I won't.
I've got any money.
Anyway, so I woke up feeling pretty awful this morning, pretty hungover.
Um...
So here's an episode of Andrew talking about people who also feel quite awful in the morning.
That's people who get their drinks spiked.
Enjoy.
Nice little smoking area.
Nasty things happen there, don't they? What do you mean? Romania? Nah, just in smoking areas. You know, this is where you hear the last memories of girls who had their drinks spiked and blokes who have got two banners. No, no girl's ever had her drinks spiked. I'm tired of hearing, "I had my drinks spiked." That is the biggest crock of shit that every fucking 19 year old says. No one spiked your drink.
alcohol tolerances. If you have half a brain, you understand that alcohol tolerances change day by day. Judged on how much food you've eaten that day, how hydrated you are, have you drunk water, how much sleep you've had, your body weight, people's body weight fluctuate. So if I can drink 10 shots of vodka one day, maybe the next day I can only have 67. That's how it is. But everyone's fight drink stories are the same. Everyone. Well, I went out. No, I went out. I had one drink.
Noted.
Don't lie to me, don't lie to yourself. You didn't have one drink. You had one drink at home and then one drink in the taxi and then only three drinks in the club and you passed out. How do you know how strong those drinks were?
Let me tell you how drink spiking works. If I'm a guy who wants to spike a drink, my intention is to have sex with you. That's my intention. So what I'll do is maybe at a house party,
Maybe in a house there's only three people or something, I might spike your drink and you'll pass out or something. The last thing I'm aiming to achieve by spiking your drink is you acting like a drunk fool, hanging around with your stupid friends, throwing up on yourself, taking your shoes off, getting your ugly ass feet out, and wandering to a taxi. That's not the intention of anyone who spiked anyone's drink. And that's how every story ends. "Oh, he spiked my drink and I was so fucked. Oh my God, now my friends can be in taxi. I got home and I was so fucked." Why would someone give you that?
Well, who's going around going, "You know what, I'll get a gron, spike her drink, and make her drunk?"
Everyone's trying to get drunk anyway.
But it doesn't even make sense. You didn't have your drinks bite. You drank too much because you're an irresponsible dickhead and you want to blame someone else for it. You're irresponsible. You're fucking stupid. You don't even know what you're drinking half the time. You're downing pints at random and you're surprised you got fucking drunk.
Fuck it, how can you be surprised? You're thick as fuck. No one spiked your drink for a second. Don't pretend they did. That's the biggest crock of shit. If I had a girlfriend and we'd been together let's say six months and she's a nice lovely girl and then one day I get a phone call or she comes home or whatever, she's covered in sick and her friends are like, oh she's too drunk, da da da, and she looks like shit and she wakes up the next day and goes, someone spiked my drink. Do you know what I'd say? You're dumped.
because you're obviously irresponsible can't control yourself see ya bitch no but it wasn't my fault only had one drink did it don't check it to me don't check it yourself you made it back here in one piece unless you've been kept I've even someone come inside you no check no okay so don't like to fucking drink you're fine you drank too much and you're annoying get out
Bollocks no one spikes anyone's drinks kind of fucking girls. Oh someone's playing my dreams fucking because they're stupid drunk out of fucking mind No one spikes anyone's drinks. It's not a real thing
Bullshit.
Okay.
Drink up mate.
Thank you.
*laughter*
Hello and welcome back to the most expensive and offensive thing on the internet at the moment. I'm Dave McKenna, your host, TateSide.
I've had a lot of contact, some really good questions.
And I've even had some
fit.
"Bitches" apply.
So yeah, that's quite bizarre actually.
that keep them coming in.
So I'm... did I just say that? I'm pimping now.
keep emailing Andrew
fit bitches
I'm down on me.
This is not how I imagined my life would go.
Anyway, got some really good questions. First one here is from my mate Retro Joe, Retro Joe Brown from Margate.
Bye.
You know you are.
And he asks Dave, my mate. Dave, Dave. What's it like over there? Tell me about the culture, tell me about the people, tell me about the food.
Okay?
That's how he speaks, Joe Brown. So Retro Joe, my answer to you would be...
Yeah, the culture, I'd say cold.
Lots of statues.
Bye.
It's cold. Food... there's a lot of soups. Classic Eastern European soups.
Good bread.
As soon as you leave England the bread just magnifies. Whatever direction you go in. I reckon you could go
No way.
and they've got better bread than us
The Arctic.
what's left of it.
Bye.
It's baking anyway isn't it so, must have some good bakeries.
I always find when I go away it's good to compare supermarkets.
So I'm...
-
This is their Fanta.
Madness. Phantom madness.
Bye.
It looks disgusting doesn't it? What is it? Give it a taste.
- Don't open it.
They don't have Smarties over here.
I have a...
Bonnie Bonds.
- Breakfast?
*Ding*
I prefer a smarty. Used to go into a party and say in
Oh, do you wanna glass the bubbly?
Oh Diane, do you want a glass of bubbly?
Glass? No thanks. I'll have mine in a bottled can.
-
- Thank you.
So...
bubbly
It's how I used to be described.
-
Oh, it actually just says Bubby.
bugs
for the healthy vegetarians out there that are still watching. If there is any. - Any vegetarian who watches this?
For every steak you don't eat, I'll eat two.
Watch me. I'll hit the gym, biceps will be bigger than ever before. The souls of dead animals power me.
I'll be a unit
I'll be massive. That's the biggest meat eater in the world. And when I walk up all 200 kilos of meat to your hippie convention and rip all your fucking heads off, you're going to know what a real human being is. How is he so strong? How do you destroy a million of our hippie warriors? Because I eat fucking meat.
Fuck you. Hummus comes with a salad in Romania.
That's hummus and tapole, or tapole. See? Salad and hummus. Two in one. If you're fans of cheesy music, then you are going to love Romania. Cheese CDs.
Thank you.
-
They're not actually, that's not music, it's just little wafer breads.
Perfect for dipping in there.
It's good.
But um...
Yeah, that's kind of culture summed up, really.
What's that? What do you think? Nice little box of Cubans.
Wrong, it's a snacker-banan.
- Let's go.
It's just a banana cup and chocolate.
.
you
One of your five a day.
Steve McMill asks:
Is there any chance of meeting Mama Tate in the future episodes?
On Christmas Day,
I was with the boys.
Remember, they treated me to a McDonald's. Do they do gravy?
Do McDonald's do gravy? Christmas isn't happening Dave. You're going to have to get over that. Very nice of them.
Yeah, there's no chance of that actually because she tried to call multiple times and they hung up.
I asked them why and they said she'll just want to talk about dumb Christmas shit.
Thank you.
So, no chance of meeting Mama Tate.
Can of Bublet.
Ah.
Is that alcoholic?
- Good bye.
Hmm, it's all that's alcoholic
*music*
It tastes like a panda pop and apple juice.
*Humming*
-
Other questions we had for Andrew consisted of from Helen, #NotYourStalkerHelen.
Not your still griever, Helen.
But nice to know.
Where?
equal on that level
She asks, what is Andrew's five year plan?
I had a feeling this would be short.
I asked him on Facebook because he was not taking my calls
Probably busy ruining someone's life in the casino. It's my mission, I don't care how much I have to lose, I'm gonna make someone who cannot afford to gamble big, gamble big, and fuck his life up. It's gonna start the year not being able to pay the rent. His answer was one word.
threesomes
for five years.
If you remember on his business card it does state
that he's a sexual athlete
- Mm.
Poor girls.
Wow.
Poor, poor gums.
Start doing this hateful tape thing with my man Dave. That's me.
my face covered in the middle of Romania, Bucharest.
All my hate mail has been about women or my attitude towards women in general. And it's been quite an interesting thing, really, to me to experience because people seem to be genuinely offended.
At the mercy.
of a ruthless man in a suit.
Don't you think I'm only at the barbers. Expert barbers. - - Expert barbers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Believe in a bunch of things and say a bunch of things that you emotionally believe are wrong. You don't even know why you don't know why it offends you if I have Two girlfriends or two wives or three girlfriends or three wives. You don't know why that offends you, but you know that it does
So here are expert barbers.
Miss.
The young man had the challenge of his life.
to try and tame that afro.
Oh, yeah.
The young man battled bravely and nobly.
It's clearly struggling.
like if a man wants to have sex with a man doesn't offend you that's fine but if a man wants to have sex with two women that's crazy that's crazy that's wrong that's because you've been socially conditioned because you have to understand that the society we live in has been built very specifically to make people think a very specific way and that thinking the greatest thing that they've achieved with the societal pressure is that thinking isn't necessarily the evolutionary thinking of man
Ah, the mirror!
The classic mirror.
the international symbol.
that the haircut is over.
and it's time to, well, mess up my hair, and that goes.
I thought that was that.
how long I was.
- Okay.
He took my handkerchief off, I was quite satisfied. Then it came back on again.
Trying to play my confusion cool.
I was pretty unaware what the fuck was going on at this point. They've changed our attitudes in a lot of ways. Homosexuality was punishable by death for a long time. Now it's celebrated.
President Obama, Obama, the president, the most powerful man in the world, is telling Ellen how brave she is, what amazing things she's done, all because she looked a bit of pussy.
He then proceeded to forcefully plunge me into the water, before pouring what looked like absinthe on my head.
but felt like mint
Bye.
Odd.
What proceeded? The mint?
was him attacking my head with his fingers. This continued for a while until he sort of climaxed with a very strange facial expression...
Bye.
Thankfully he left, but came back with some sort of villain James Bond torture device.
- What?
Not satisfied I was just torturing my head, he soon moved on to my face.
Soon enough he was back to the head, more forcefully than ever.
Then something odd happened.
It started pushing me.
Here you go.
Number four, I know, it was starting to massage my back with the...
weird vibrating hand.
You know this?
Unbelievable. It's a vibrating pan.
Thank you.
Bye.
Thank you.
-
Transformation. From messy Mexican to slightly groomed Mexican.
But I don't think it's worth celebrating. I mean, you're gay, cool. You're not gay, cool. To me, it's the same. So I'm the least homophobic person on earth. But people are celebrating, like, she's so brave that a... That fucked up dude, who, from the Kardashians, who decided to become a woman, I don't care what you say. If you make it to the age of 60, and you're a man, and you get all the way to 60 years old, and then you decide you're a chick, there's something, there's a screw loose. Don't give a fuck what you say. So that mental dude decides to become a chick, and everyone talks about how brave he is.
inspirational but they're not talking about the soldiers are out there getting shot at to defend a country they're not talking about the scientists they're scientists curing cancer right now you don't know their name i don't know their name because they ain't celebrated but we're celebrating a dude who puts a wig on
After being abandoned by Andrew and tortured at the Barbers, I asked Tristan what was the plan.
Dave, I'll pay for you just in 10 minutes. Okie dokie. All expenses. What's the plan then? I guess you'll fly in tomorrow, drive your uncle for us tonight.
Bucharesti by night. I'll show you the soaps.
Nice.
Put that camera on my face.
View of the palace. The Parliament building. The problem with communism. Everybody's equal. He built himself a rocket-proof palace. Not just a rocket-proof palace, he wasn't satisfied. One of the largest buildings in the world to live in.
Any reason?
Yeah, there were some protesters in a city called Timisoara and they were protesting against the presidency, against his leadership. He ordered the army to fire on them, killed some women and children, people went nuts. Tried to give a speech to calm everyone down in Bucharest but noobs had already reached the city. So they basically swarmed him like something out of a zombie apocalypse and he escaped via helicopter from the roof of this palace we're about to go to.
and started flying, but the military changed sides. The military turned against him and ordered him to land. - Until they snagged him.
Yeah, he snagged him from Snagov to Targoviste, I think, where he landed. One hour show trial, shot him and his wife in the garden of some courtroom.
Blimey. Indeed. It's the largest building, frankly.
The Palace of Nicolae Ceausescu, or as they call it today, the Parliament Palace. Built by a communist dictator, but that is now where the Parliament of Romania is set.
He would be turning in the grave, wouldn't he? Oh, absolutely. Parliament. God. The people making decisions.
It wasn't all bad. No? What good did he do? Just let's build a defence campaign for Ceausescu or anything?
anyone else. But if you're a normal citizen of Bucharest and you like Chau Cheska, if you didn't, you could disappear in the night. If you liked him, you know, everyone had a place to live, everyone had a job, everyone had food. Not that awful.
Get a few inches closer.
- Okay.
Like the shark of the motorways. The backstreet alleys. Sona.
Actually radar is using light so now use a sound today. Oh
Okay.
Yeah, obviously.
Yeah, you're on the right path, yeah? Indeed I am. Says the local. Says the local, yeah. I do live in this city, Dave. In case you've forgotten, I do live here.
Yeah. Nothing quite gives you a sense of direction like a couple of days in the New Year's Eve period, though. Getting drunk. Yeah. I can imagine getting some ladies.
Ladies singing. What's the best thing about this car?
The best thing about this car is the driver. If you weren't driving it, what would be the best feature?
How comfortable it is. Agreed. It's one of the most comfortable vehicles I've ever owned. More comfortable than a Range Rover, which I've had. More comfortable than a big S-Time Jag, which I've had. It's an exceptionally comfortable car. And you can do this.
That is heating my seat. Yeah but loads of cars have that, you just haven't been in that many cars I guess. That's a standard in quite a lot of cars today. You can buy a Volkswagen Golf with heated seats. My bicycle doesn't have a heated seat. It does after a few miles.
I don't know if that's a fart joke or it's just a sweat joke.
that when he says comfortable,
It doesn't mean traditional comfort, like sitting down. It's the little things, okay? You know you see those nutters on the streets of your local town, driving along, not knowing their boots open.
And everyone's beeping and, "I'll get you in your boot open, you twat!"
Alright? If that happens in this car,
Do you have to stop? Pull over?
Absolutely not.
I'm gonna be doing it.
Hmm.
-
No, it's not that one. Well, you might have to in this case if you didn't know where it was, but...
-
Hmm.
Definitely in this direction.
- Okay.
mm-hmm, alright
- No.
an aircon.
Amen.
Most.
- Okay.
Go on it.
*sad*
-
-
Is that not bloody worked?
Maybe it's the hauler.
-
You've got to be fucking joking.
I'm sorry.
*BANG*
*Loud noise*
*Tonk*
Thank you.
That's that bulls belt.
-
Okay. Here you go.
What's this for a slice of fried gold?
you
Just give it a shot.
-
It's just opened, doesn't it?
-
Thank you.
I fucking hate cars, I'd like to say now. I don't have a car and I don't want one.
Okay, this is a feature that I do like and I do know how to use. Probably the coolest thing about it.
You know?
Thank you.
If that's not cool enough, you can actually contort. All right, so watch this.
It's not just up.
That's up.
Straight back.
Okay.
sandwiched
But with this one
you can contort it.
Sorry?
It's curving my back.
So you should buy this car simply because it allows you to recreate the movements of the living legend and the world's smartest man that is Stephen Hawkins.
There's car, it's fucking awesome.
Leg space. Not that it needed.
.
Subscribe to the hateful tate
You be a shit man ching square not to. Peace ma niggas.
- Hello to fans and subscribers of the most offensive and expensive thing on the internet. You're probably feeling quite aggrieved right now
you've been deprived over the weekend of your daily dose of hate and and I would like to sincerely apologize and take full responsibility well me the snow and and and alcohol but but mainly me
the gambling
and that's how you make it.
Do you have coffee here?
Thank you.
Before I came here, you have coffee.
I like coffee when I lose my money.
How much you pumped in that? $3,000?
And
Now let me take on that farro.
Sarah always says,
Thanks.
4,000 when I started.
never get it.
Thank you.
Now we're gambling.
Thank you.
Now we have to.
Thank you.
Now we're going to...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
A little bit
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Click after click after click. If only, the sad thing is, in his last 15 years, all the work he's done, all the books he's written, everything he's accomplished, and I've read most of his books, a universe in a nutshell, a brief history of time, I mean, who hasn't read that? The amount.
The amount of work he's done, if he could just speak and write like a normal human, what could he achieve? I mean he achieved things beyond human comprehension almost. He's the most exceptional human on the planet. But what would he drive?
There's a wheelchair. Nowhere near as smart as Stephen Hawking. And I use my intelligence to make money and get laid. If I could not get laid or make money or move, I'd be capable of much more. I won't say I'd be him, but I could figure things out. I could work on problems that maybe haven't been explored in that way.
do now these days Dave Tate.
Even Hawking himself could have worked out how to get this plane off the ground.
as the snow came lashing down, as well as the delays.
So naturally we turn to bending spoons.
Good luck I am now.
- To bend it, to really bend it. - Yeah, yeah, I'm trying.
Not Yuri Geller. I can't. Ah, fuck Yuri Geller. He's an Israeli cunt. Concentration. This is why Yuri Geller says "mind control".
It's all about concentration in your mind. Watch.
Thank you.
Is that spoon not bent?
The spoon was as bent and limber as
Louis Spence himself.
First, admit that I have mind-controlling spoon-bending powers. I believe you've got bending powers.
Alright, drinking time. News up, don't be a worm. That's another Peroni before the flight.
Another Peronian. Sensitive stomach. The worm cries. The worm was not the only one crying as a mob.
An angry...
Delayed mob demanded answers.
Everyone's stupid. The screams of the mob didn't seem to help.
and you could barely
justify their logic.
They were using JCBs to remove the snow.
- Thank you.
than JCVs.
- It's a good day, is it, man? - I quite like snow, actually. It's pretty outside. - Now you're coming around. That's what I was trying to say to Andrew. Months are going.
- Yeah, you're right. Beautiful day.
- These mobsters were complaining wildly.
That...
I had no sympathy.
My heart went out to the man who
truly had something to grieve.
this day.
Amen.
and that was Mr Andrew Tate.
who had had his Aston Martin
stolen is Aston Martin.
which he quite likes.
I'm happy now, see? People say money doesn't buy happiness. Look how happy I am.
Just been down to get myself a nice cup of tea. And Alan, owner of the season, has asked me to get rid of these things.
And if you can see them, they are pretty large and dangerous. Let's have a look. Jeez, they're fucking huge.
Look at that, fucker. Fucking sword.
- -Solomon.
- -Solomon.
So, first things first, who the fuck steals an Aston Martin? Right, I know Bond does it all the time, but...
What for Kickboxer? World champion? Nutters. Recap, the flight was cancelled, the mob was angrier than ever,
I was drinking more than ever and that continued for quite some hours. Tristan then had to
Cancel all his cards. That's nothing. Don't worry. Cancel this card. Yeah, £20. I don't give a fuck. Cancel the card, okay?
Yes, send me a new card. Cancel this one. Send me a new one immediately. Why are you canceling the card? Disasterous stuff. There's proof cakes and all of our cards and money inside of me. Wow.
Although that didn't stop him spending money.
frivolously at the airport, frivolously,
So my brother's car was stolen in London. Fun.
But he's got it back. He's got his car back but they fucked up the computer system. Turns out the Met said that these people are Ocean's Eleven style people who steal supercars. What they did was when he locked his car outside the casino they hijacked the signal from the key to the car via some weird computer thing. Used the computer to open the car and start the engine somehow.
Andrew's driving it directly to Aston now. They have the car, but these people are nowhere to be seen. And Andrew's passport, bank cards, everything is gone by a legit group of Gs.
And we have, like, you know how much money we have on those cards.
Yeah, I mean, I brag about my... So you need to cancel that now? There's no way I can. I can't call the UK from this phone until I go to a shop and buy some credit. I cannot call the UK.
Martin but they obviously are sick operation. They've stolen all the cards and details of a man who owns an estimate. That's valuable. Passport? Oh Jesus. He ain't getting that back. There's no track record. They found the car. And where was it? It was dumped in. He had 3% battery. He had very limited time. His order was cancel the cars. I've cancelled all the ones I can cancel from here already. Proactively. I've moved all those euros that you saw in my euros account over to an account that these people cannot access. I've left 71 euros.
in there. Just to see because you know they might use it, we'll see. Who knows are they dumb? We'll see.
What's the time Tristan? Just to recap for the view. The time is half past 12. What time do we arrive? Oh it's Friday today. Friday today Dave. Which means what? I'll get paid?
Yeah, I'll pay you. Well, actually, honestly, I've just cancelled all the cards I'd have to pay you from, so you're going to have to wait a couple days.
My opinion of snow had very much changed. I now believed it was the same as its name bearer, John. A complete bastard. I was stuck at the airport drinking with Tristan.
And the next thing I remember... Woke up in the back of a taxi, getting shaken by a security guard and the taxi driver. Stupid English man, Pay. I was a bit confused, didn't really know what the hell was going on. I was at Jollyville, don't know why. I suppose I just wanted the Jollies to continue, really. I was alone at this point.
Went up to the restaurant. I remember looking like shit. I remember passing a mirror and thinking, "Jesus, you look like shit." And I must have stunk like shit as well.
because there was a table opposite me and they were judging. Rightly so, I looked disgusting. I think I ordered a bruschetta, had a beer, left, went to another restaurant, faced the snowstorm again, which I don't know if you can see here, is quite horrific, even still now.
Faced another snowstorm, went to a restaurant called Studio 80, it's a bar and bistro. They sat me in the corner, they didn't want me anywhere near the main stairs. Fried some olives, battered olives, as in deep fat fried, not as battered as me. Deep fat fried olives. They were disgusting. Anyway, paid, staggered out and when I was walking back,
That's when I realised I was without Tristan and without my bag.
and inside the bag
has had all the camera equipment and mag, etc. So, bit of a problem. Panic setting and I thought I'll just try and track down the taxi I was in.
That was my logical explanation. In a snowstorm in Bucharest, the city of millions, well hundreds and thousands of taxis, I was looking for one that I couldn't remember.
while I was even in it.
So that was unsuccessful actually. But while I was dealing with that, Andrew was tracking down an Aston Martin quite successfully. Whatever that charger thing is, that's not mine. He was telling me they use computers to plug into ECM. That's definitely not mine. Well grab it all. Anything that you say is not yours, I'll take you apart. The Aston Martin guy just told me if I had any information on how to explode it. Is that a jack device, sir?
Yeah, yeah, that's a jammer or something probably yeah, yeah, that's yeah, that is a jammer. Do you need more bags? I'll say.
Fuckers
The same, we've both been through traumas.
both dealt with them in
professional ways.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Turns out I did actually get the Mac back. Happy endings for both of us, because he's got his Aston back. Oh, that's cold. He's got his Aston back and I've got my equipment back.
So...
- Bye.
Where was it? I left it at the first place me and Tristan drank it at the airport.
and unbelievably,
It was actually there. It was handed in with everything intact in Romania.
So I think we need to rethink this whole Romanians are terrible because
Bloody lovely people. Although I couldn't reclaim my bag because I forgot my passport.
it was left at the hotel.
So, I try to use the only thing... He said to me, "My friend, we need some ID."
We need some idea. He's not Indian. But my friends, we need some idea to give you the back. I don't know who you are.
And I said, "Okay."
Let me show you. No problem. Not exactly photo ID but Mr. Page 5 of the Margate Mercury. I think you'll recognise that.
- Bye.
And he said, "My friend that looks nothing like you."
I said "Oh for fucks, everyone thinks this looks like me. The only time this has not been confirmed as me is when it needs to be." So I had to wait another couple of hours, come back to the hotel, get my passport.
But yeah, happy endings!
So, after this enormous fuck up, I thought it would be nice to share a question I put to Andrew a while ago. A question in here from Alex the Basher Brooks.
Mm.
- Good night.
What do you really think of Dave?
He looks like a fun guy.
Dave and I are from completely different realms.
Dave is a creative. He likes to...
create things
I like to destroy things.
We're yin and yang. For all my talk of balance
and how important it was, and here it is.
Cheers!
So, yeah, cheers.
I'm glad you said creative and not spiritual.
Because a lot of people go, "Oh Dave, you're such a spiritual nice guy." What does spiritual mean? I'm not sure.
Spirituality is basically just
I'm religious.
But I'm too big a pussy to do what the book says.
That's what it means. Because... - Steering it half off. - Yeah, exactly. Because we all know religion is bullshit.
Like, I know it's easier to believe in religion.
Life is easier if you believe in religion. Life is easier if you think,
God's looking out for me. God has a plan for me. No, there's no plan for you to work in St. Louis your whole life. You're just a shit launcher.
but people don't want to accept that. So they want to be like, "God's got this plan!" and especially if someone dies. Everyone becomes religious when someone dies.
Oh, they're my angel in the sky. Look, my dad died a year and a half ago. Worst thing that ever happened to me. Not for half a second that I believe he was an angel. Hasn't converted him. Haven't converted me because I'm realistic. So people go, well, when it happens to you, no. I've lost people too. He's dead. He ain't watching me now. He ain't listening to me now. Doesn't matter. He's gone. That's how I believe because I'm a very realistic person. But most people, they need to believe in this dumb shit because they cannot function in the reality.
to bad people, bad things happen to good people, it's luck. And it's just luck how you get through this earth and then you die. And people sit there and go, yeah, well, I'm unhappy, da-da-da, but you don't realize if you're born in a Western country, you're already lucky.
Because you were born in fucking Timbuktu, you're fucked. So you're born in a Western country, so you get to eat every day. If you get to eat every day, you're the top 10% richest people on Earth.
So you're already one. So but they but they still believe they need this. Why are the poorest countries the most religious? Because without it, they'd kill themselves.
But even in the West, people are religious. But then they read these books and they realise there's rules.
They go, "Oh, I get to live with it forever, and the people I love never really die, but
I have to go to church on a Sunday, that's long.
That's bullshit. I'm not religious, I'm spiritual. So that's what they do. They cop out. They go, "Well, I have to do a couple things. Fuck this."
So they go, "No, I don't believe in religion. Religion's wrong. I believe in something. I'm spiritual." So basically, they just invent bullshit as they go, based on zero evidence.
- So when someone says to me, you look like a spiritual kind of guy, what they're really saying is, you look like you could be a Muslim,
But you don't have anywhere near enough effort to follow through. Correct. Fuck you. That's exactly what they mean. You could be a Muslim but you like beer too much. That's all they're saying to you. So fuck spiritual is the biggest crock of shit that's ever existed. I make up rules as I go. I don't break any of the rules because I make them up. I'm still a good person deep inside and there's a plan for me somehow and everyone I love never really dies and I have zero evidence for any of this and I'm spiritual.
No, you're a moron.
Simply a moron. People don't want to accept the cold hard reality of this world. The cold hard reality of this world is that if you're lucky three to four people care about you, no one else gives a fuck if you live or die, and you might as well make as much money and have as much fun as you can, because soon you're going to be dead and no one's going to remember you. In the year 3000, no one's going to be talking about you.
Nobody knows me talk about you the time you stack that shelf in Tesco and how clean and neat you made it No one's gonna give a fuck. No one's gonna care if I got there and bang ten girls a hundred girls or one girl or no girl You must just do whatever the fuck you want do what you want try not to get arrested make some cash and spend it Because soon you're gonna be dead, but people don't want to accept that because their lives are too shit Because they're sitting there with fuck all going on. They're like God has a plan. He doesn't Sally. There's no plan. You're just fat and
There's no plan.
Gonna die.
- Okay.
*sniff*
Till next time, be in good spirits.
*outro music*
Hello and welcome back to the most expensive and offensive thing on the internet at the moment. Possibly the most pointless, but let's not dwell on the negatives. That's what Andrew's for. Look, I bought that M4, it might as well be a 4 series. Unless you're gonna drive like a grade A dickhead. If you're a vegetarian, you're thinking, "Well, I've got a..." You need to at least accept you do not live in the real world.
Let's take Amy Winehouse example. Everyone's like, "Oh, she died. She was a genius. She was a musical genius." She sung about not wanting to go to rehab. Then died of drug. Then died of a drug overdose. So they were like, "Oh, poor girl. You fucking retard." Anyone's mom, they would not be concerned about your dad. If you're watching this thinking, "My mom loves my dad," not with Peter Gabriels in the club. He'd sledgehammer her poem. Different level. Peter Gabriels is a genius.
The snow is still being a fucking git.
and
The Romanians are still working through it. The work is cancelled on this building site. Look at that.
Thank you.
I'm not going to catch builders working in that much snow, may I?
You wouldn't fancy climbing that ladder.
Or would you?
Yep.
group of
There's a bloke in there.
Thank you.
Fucking hard working nutters.
-
Okay.
*music*
Other news, I found myself a lovely pair of Choco Lips. Choco Lips.
I've been,
- Thank you.
What have I been doing?
Lots of stuff mainly.
Not just that. That's stereotyping.
*sad music*
Which I hate.
What have we got news wise? Tristan went for a drive. Driving along, singing my song, driving in a winter wonderland.
I had some lovely bread courtesy of the seasons.
Choco lips have already mentioned.
It's been a bit dull, to be honest.
Bye.
And a few of the viewers have said, "Where's Andrew? We need our fix of Andrew."
Oh...
We must see our beloved Andrew. So with that in mind
We have got a date.
We have got a date for when we fly back to England, that is the 14th.
If the snow allows, we will be back in England on the Saturday. So then don't know where.
India, possibly Thailand now, that's what I've heard. I've heard murmurs of Thailand, Cyprus,
Okay.
I really don't mind.
Testing, testing, testing, testing, one, two, three, Mr. Andrew Tate. Tate's died.
Oh, we're back. Uh-oh.
Ah.
Welcome back to the most offensive and expensive thing on the internet. I'm delighted to be joined by my main man Andy T.
Thank you.
How are ya?
I
How's Romania? Pretty boring actually. There's not much
Not much to do, can't really walk around.
Lots of snow.
It's snowing here now though, so...
It's snowing in England as well.
Yeah.
I'm starting to be on board with the fuck snow vibe definitely finally. I told you this episode 10.
Yeah, it's lost its mystical powers to me somewhat when you're sort of stumbling around.
almost having a panic attack about the equipment.
Apologies about that as well.
Yeah, well you're very lucky you found them. Yeah, that was pretty idiotic. Speaking of idiots,
You've lost beer in a casino before but have you ever lost an Aston?
You know the worst thing about that night is I lost in the casino as well. I lost four grand casino
And I came out thinking, "Oh, fuck, I'm just gonna go home."
And bang, the car was gone.
Briefcase, passport, wallet, bank cards, money.
laptop, iPad,
Calm.
Do you have a message for the culprits if they're watching?
You know what, to be honest, to be actually, if I could see the guys who knit there, I'd probably shake their hands,
to be honest with you
It was a fucking...
It's not an easy car to steal. It's a 2017 Aston Martin. I actually have respect.
for someone who's that good at his craft. I do actually respect...
the thieves to a degree.
I just think they could have at least left my passport and shit. That's no good to them.
There was no need to fuck my life up to that level. If I was them, I would have left the passport by the ground and thought, okay, at least he can go on holiday still.
Now let's take his car.
We're gonna go straight into some questions here, Andrew, if you don't mind.
During one of your rants, you've mentioned losing your dad in one of the recent episodes.
And people have asked me before,
How do the Tates get their money?
They must have inherited a shitload.
where their parents minted. Okay, and I put this to Tristan and he said, "I inherited something much more valuable than millions from my father."
and the ability to booze and intelligence and the ability to booze was his answer. So could you shed some light on who your father was?
Yeah, my father was one of the best chess players in the world.
He was an extremely intelligent man, he was a former CIA agent.
He spoke multiple languages. He joined the Army, the traditional Army, and they gave everyone an IQ test, and he got one of the highest scores ever recorded.
in the history of the American Armed Forces and they instantly put him into the special branch of the NSA.
where he learned Russian inside of three weeks.
When he died, people were messaging me saying,
that they were on the same course as him. Other people who were like Mensa members and geniuses and such, and they were saying that it was amazing.
how quickly and how far ahead he was of ever learning russian there were people who lived with russian wives and spoke russian at home
And within three weeks, he was correcting their grammar on their Russian. It's crazy. Bloody hell. He was stupid smart.
I'm nowhere near as intelligent as him.
But I did inherit a few important assets, like the ability to throw down
And you know,
I don't really sunburn, I've got a little bit of brown in me. So, yeah, it's all good.
If he was still alive, I'd say he'd be culprit number one for who stole your Aston.
He sounds like a pretty intelligent guy. If he was still alive he'd be standing in that exact spot in central London looking for the people to rip their heads off. He was a lot less calm than I am. I really am quite...
live and let live, shit happens.
I'm not even upset about it anymore. But my dad, he was a different animal. He was a dangerous man.
Jesus.
Thank God I got you to do the web series about it.
Correct. You wouldn't have lasted this long with my dad. No, I'm starting to...
Starting to realise that. Question number two actually comes from one of our viewers. An occupational hazard of being athletes,
such as,
ourselves is that we're in constant danger of getting injuries.
Isn't that right?
And famously at school, I sprained a muscle.
arm muscle, everyone suggested it was too much of
that a night on the Vaseline but it wasn't it was through weightlifting
lifting mugs, big mugs of tea. The question is, comes from Dave Wayne who runs the MMA Bible page.
What's the worst is
- Uh, injury you've witnessed in the ring.
I've seen people die in the ring. I've seen five people die.
Fucking hell.
So it's not a joke, this fighting game. You get knocked out, you get knocked out badly, you die. That's how it can go. So I've seen five people die.
A lot of broken legs, a lot of fucked up faces, lots of bad cuts and stuff. But yeah, it's war. It's war for real. You know, you can die in there. You've got to take it seriously. It's not the sport you can have to do.
And that's why I haven't fought so much recently is because I'm so busy with other important things. It used to be absolutely everything to me. And now it's.
Now it's not because I'm putting millions in the banks, so that's what it is.
I'm starting to regret that cup of tea joke there when you answered.
Here's a trivial one, something to lighten the mood.
What's your earliest memory?
My earliest memory
*Sigh*
One of my earliest memories was
We used to have this little
block
I can't explain it, like a little octagon and you had loads of different shapes and the shape and the octagon had
the correct shaped holes in it. So it'd be a triangle hole, a square hole, a star hole.
You had all the little pieces on the floor, and you have to put the star piece in the star hole of the octagon thing. And I remember living in Germany, because we were based in East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall. My dad was working for the CIA there.
I remember putting all the pieces in, the star and the star. I must have been less than two.
the triangle, the triangle, the square, and the square. And we're putting them all in and we're giving a pack of raisins, the red packs of raisins. - Yeah, yeah, some mates. - And I remember my granddad coming over and them telling me to do it.
I remember deliberately
putting the wrong pieces
in the wrong one deliberately.
trying to make them offer me raisins before I did it and as soon as I got the raisins out I completed it instantly.
I remember that genuinely. That was my genuine trickery back then. I was like, "Where's the money at?"
And also, you were naturally good at putting things in holes as you've continued to do as a pastime. Well, you know, I turned out to be a bit of an expert at that. Yeah, yeah. Mine was shitting myself, just in case you were wondering, viewers. Horrific.
Question four. Question four. What do you consider the three most important things in your life?
The three most important things in my life. My health.
Because without health there is no life.
No point in having everything else if you're not.
you know, healthy. Mm-hmm.
Family obviously is very important. You can't enjoy anything else that you're grieving over whatever whatever.
But besides health and besides family,
Pretty much
Everything else can be bought with money.
So,
money to be number three.
And people go, "You can't buy love with money."
Maybe you can't buy love, but what you can do
is take enough beautiful girls on dates
because you have all the free time in the world, you're not working a job, you pick them up in a really nice car, and then sooner or later you're going to find a girl who loves you. It's not that difficult.
It certainly facilitates the path.
same line as number three
Yeah, I'm gonna need some more of that.
money stuff
Any childhood heroes apart from your dad?
Any childhood heroes?
Who is my hero as a child besides my dad?
It's a good question.
not really actually no i don't think so no i don't really i didn't really watch tv i didn't i wasn't really allowed to watch
My dad had this thing where he was only allowed to watch everything once.
You know kids have like a favorite movie and they watch it a hundred times. Uh-huh.
I wasn't allowed that. If I watched the Batman movie once, I was allowed to watch it once and once only ever.
My dad said there's too much information in the world for you to be repeating the same dumb shit.
So I never really got into anything because I wasn't allowed. I was only allowed to watch everything once ever. I never saw a film twice in my life.
So really it was like even if I liked something I forgot about it two days later and that's it, on to the next, you know, back to the chessboard.
Literally.
Literally.
That's right.
Okay, why do you think it is that you are despised by the press?
because I'm an easy person to hang.
Not an easy person to hate because
I do antagonize people. I know I antagonize people. It's not an accident.
I'm an easy person to hate because I'm I'm genuinely really secure in myself. Most people aren't I
Most people aren't secure in who they are and what they've done.
And people don't like the fact that I'm genuinely really happy. I'm tall, I'm big, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm rich.
People start you know people get upset by that and message me things like you you're lonely. I'm not lonely
ever.
Oh, you pay girls to be with you.
No, I don't.
Oh, you're not really rich. Yes, I am.
you know so it's just like people are just trying to trying to put down on it but
most of their insults are actually quite flattering. When they see you with a chick and they're like,
You pay for her.
It's like basically she's too hot for you to believe that
She just knows who the man is. So that's a compliment. Or they say, you're on steroids.
I said, "No, I'm just fucking built like a unit."
I can't help it, I was born in a fucking tank. I don't even go to the gym.
just like this
You know, just naturally to the beast.
I get it. You're a drug dealer. No, I'm just smart enough to make loads of money.
So all these things they try and insult me with are actually compliments, so I appreciate every single one of them.
I'm so sherry, I'm so nervous about it.
Thanks.
so my extremely productive life in romania was about to come to a close
A finish.
and apparently so was the snow.
So our chances of returning to England
were massively increased.
Sure.
as the snow dripped away
me and Tristan
drank away.
At the airport.
This time,
with realistic chances
Thank you.
of getting back to England.
So we're at gate 13, yeah? Gate 13 indeed. And what is the, uh... Where is gate 13? Upstairs. Here we are again. Yep, back at the airport. A week later. Finally flying back to England. Any thoughts on it? I'm going to England for one business meet. I have to meet one guy for one hour. Then I'm leaving. Fuck it. English people. You think England's good?
great, fuck you, you won't.
Nice to see the family though, isn't it? Uh -huh. I can fly my mum anywhere she wants. Anywhere I am, I can fly her there. I don't have to go to England to see her.
And you know what I'm pissed off about today? People wrapping their suitcases in plastic. I've seen 10 people wrap their suitcases in plastic. My suitcase,
Very expensive, nice suitcases, but the point of having a fucking suitcase is so that it gets scratched up and ruined and protects all of the shit you have inside of it. Why would you wrap a suitcase in plastic? If you have a suitcase nice like mine, enough to justify trying to protect it, you're going to walk around like a jackass with a plastic covered suitcase so it looks nice when you're back at your house. It's the greatest fail in logic I've ever seen. I don't understand it. Wrapping your suitcase in plastic. Fucking cunt upstairs.
plastic. What is wrong with these people? Who would do that to their suitcase? No, the airport. There we are again.
You'd think we would have learned from our mistakes. So what are we doing here? Well we stopped drinking. It's almost midday. Waiting for our flight. Boozing a little bit. Type of cancer. One survives. So you better bet that 99 people with the same type of cancer die. Statistical rationalisation. Jim. So. We're in a black cab. Aha. Business meeting tomorrow then I'm getting the fuck out of this hellhole. That's England.
Bloody good to be back though isn't it? Tropical mate. No. Seven degrees. I hate snow. If there's one thing I hate more than snow it's England.
Don't worry about me.
I'm good.
Thank you.
-
Absolutely fine.
with the
Look at the two bags.
Thank you.
Don't worry about me.
Technically three bags.
from the federal marks and predators.
Damn.
I used to come in here, my friends used to come in here, my sister used to come in here, my sister's boyfriend Marcel used to come in here, my brother used to come in here, loads of people were in this house. And one day she said to me,
You know, your grandad's watch, the time on it changed. The battery's dead, but the time changed. And I said, "Yeah."
Someone changes time.
She goes, "No, no, no, no, no, I believe your grandad did it." Are you listening to this? And I said... No, this is a true story. And I said, "Well, someone change your time. Someone move the watch." Because that's the only explanation. There's no such thing as ghosts.
and mom was like "no no no no, someone definitely changed the time, it was a spirit" and I told her a million times "you're retarded" no one changed the fucking time, you know, someone changed the time of the watch, granddad didn't do it, granddad's dead, ghosts don't change time on watches, that's not how it works. So anyway, cut to two years later, I was staying here, my mother lived here alone at this point, no no, my mother lived here alone at this point, I was moving house so I stayed here for two weeks
I- my mum was out one day
I saw grandad's watch I thought, I know. I'm gonna take the... No you didn't! Yeah, and I changed the time. No you didn't! And then I took a picture of me
with the watch like this, like making fun, and I put it back. No! No, no, no, no. Here's the best bit. Here's the best bit.
No. About a year after this, I forgot that I did that. No, no, no. It was 9 months, 10 months. It was a long time. No, I tried to look at the watch regularly. Anyway, no, no, no. You know it's at the time. Oh my God. No, listen to me. A year after I changed the time, we were... I was in America at my sister's graduation. And I was telling my whole family, including my dad and my mom, how retarded my mom was for believing that granted change was. And my sister stops. My sister stops and says, "No."
I believe mom because she didn't tell you the best bit. I said the best bit? What best bit? And I had the same phone luckily for a few years. She goes no no no.
Again, when no one lived in the house, the time changed again. She said this in front of me, my brother, my dad, everyone. It couldn't have been more appropriate. All of us had not been in the same room for years. And then I loaded up the picture of when I changed the watch and she looked so stupid. When he was about seven, I think, or six or seven, for his birthday, somebody had bought him a Gumball machine. Uh-huh.
So he went outside and decided he was gonna charge all the kids
A quarter for one gongel.
No, you got it wrong. The gumball machine took pennies.
but I also realize it was badly made it also took American 10 cents people. Then the kids would come to me and say "oh I've got this much" and it'd be like $1.60 in quarters of dimes. I'd be like "oh I'll give you five gumballs for that" because they didn't know the value of the money.
I knew the value of money because I was educated. Are you filming him?
Yeah, it's a reverse angle. Oh, okay. Anyway, yeah, so I used to hustle the kids. I mean, you used to borrow money from me. I was seven years old. I used to lend you money. And then you had a go-kart with a walk for your birthday. So you used to charge them a quarter to go up and down the park. Yeah, since I said, yeah. $47. Seven years old, made $47.
Shit.
*laughs*
I don't play.
Tristan Tate, businessman since day one.
Good to be back in England at night. Fuck England. I mean that's a really lovely shirt. I still like the jacket though.
judgment
Andrew, you should have been wearing that man. You love the jacket.
I want you to tell me another new jacket another jacket. Do you have any socks by the way? Is that purple? This purple yeah. I love that. I love that. G what are we doing now? I love that jacket man. Give me some money I need some more clothes.
Give me some money, you spent money, give me some money.
This is what I've got there. Alright, money. Alright, so you're going for a meal, yeah? Thanks.
Liggy trousers, isn't it? They are lively trousers, yeah. And I got my velvet jacket and my dragon print. Listen, I knew I had to pimp some hoes. So when you got to pimp some hoes, first you've got to do is get your pimp outfit going. So I thought, let me go get pimped out so I can pimp some hoes. What else am I going to do in England? England's depressing as fuck.
money there's nothing else to do here. Yeah that's how I've spent my 25 years on this earth. Exactly so that's all I've been doing having sex 10 times a day and losing or making x amount of thousand a day and just roll around in my courtesy Aston Martin because my one got nicked in my pimp outfit. So this is a courtesy? It's a courtesy Aston yeah my Aston. It does smell very nice but maybe that's your suede I'm not sure. Maybe. My Aston is still being dealt with by the police and Aston Martin and shit so
So any news on that? Any updates? Not really. One of them things. For fuck's sake, fuck off. Corsas shouldn't be allowed on the road. Look at these old gray haired people. You know what? In the Aston, what have we been stopped by here? Corsa with two OAPs in it. I have nothing against slow cars. Nothing against slow cars. But what I don't understand is when I overtake a slow car, they all start flashing me and BBing and getting upset and shit. I have a fast car.
you have a slow car, so I overtook you. Why would that upset you if you had a slow car? If that upsets you, buy a faster car. Like my time is obviously worth more than yours, because when I put my time towards work, I can afford 150,000 pound cars, and when you dedicate your time towards work, you end up with a 500 pound car. So my time's worth more than your time. So of course you've got 20 minutes to fuck around, drive, I ain't got time to do that, I got things to do, I got money to make. If you had important things to do like I did, you'd overtake too. - I've got a little bit of editing to do,
right back to the Hilton suite are you? No, because when my car got nicked, they nicked my briefcase which had my wallet in it and all my bank cards are foreign so I have no bank cards so I left the casino with about eight grand in my pocket that day and that was about three days ago and I just handed Tristan whatever that was so I've spent
pretty much all of it, but I've got the acid in, I've got about half a tank of petrol, and then I've got somewhere to stay tonight, I mean, she's fit, she's got her own place, got her own money, she's a G, so I'm staying there, so I really have no idea what you're doing, so you need to fucking sort yourself out, well, you can say the Hilton if you're paying for it, you can say the Hilton if you're paying for it, I don't have any money to be paying for shit, I don't have any bank cards, I gave Tristan my last money, the eight grand I had two days ago,
and a suede jacket and yeah yeah pimping and that's it so it's your problem I don't know where you're gonna sleep so I haven't got anywhere to stay tonight no you've actually nowhere to stay no to stay so you have to sort something out you have to tell me where you want to go now and I'll take you but as far as I'm concerned I'm going to I don't want to name names but I will I'm going to Rachel's and I'm staying there and you're not welcome so
Very kind man. So, train station. Bye. Where are you going? Margate? Well, I suppose so. Have fun. How much is the hill with burnite? That one you were in about 130, 140. Fuck that. That is, that's impossible. It's worth it to stay in Luton. Luton's great. That's a lovely place. Oh, there's things that need to happen. I've got things I need to do in England. I've got things I need to do in Romania.
We're supposed to see Tristan's app developers in India. I've got a friend who's been teaching English in China for ages. He finally has some time off. He's going to do a tour of China for two months. He wants me to go with him. So I'm supposed to go to China. I've got another friend who's commentating in Vegas. He wants me to go commentate on him with a kickboxing show in Vegas. So I have to choose between Romania. I've chosen between England or Romania doing things I'm supposed to do. India kind of doing something I'm supposed to do. But also getting pissed on my face in Mumbai. Or China and Vegas just acting like a fool.
dilemmas of my life see people say oh tate's got it easy tate's a millionaire i don't have it easy i've got to decide where to go now when my bank card turns up i've got to choose where i'm going to go and i have to book a flight it's difficult jimmy and like you know i've got to put the aston somewhere because obviously people like to nick them because this is everyone's dream car but for me it's just a run around when i'm in the country sometimes and obviously i've got like these fucking thousand pound dulce gabbana jackets and shit like i can't wear these if i go vegas it's
find like a safe storage or some shit are we the same size i can take it you can't wear this jacket without a phd when i went to buy it they said show me your credentials i had to pull out my phd right then and there i studied long and hard i've got an ma ma i asked the arts the only art that matters in this world is pimping and i've got a phd explain phd if you don't mind a pimping hose degree
after it. I've been to the bottom, all the way to the bottom, climbed my way to the top, and I got my PhD. I can take bitches from ghetto streets to hotel suites, from ghetto blocks to buying stocks. I'll find a fine Caucasian of the wrong persuasion. I'll tell her if the men think she's handsome, they need to pay her a ransom. That's what I do. I make money. I've got a PhD, a pimp and hoes degree.
I'm a cheat. I'm the fucking man. You know, everyone hates me. The more hate I get, the more I realize I'm actually the fucking man. I have the car everyone wants. I have girls everyone wants. I live in places everyone wants. I go places everyone wants. I have loads of money. I don't work. Every day I wake up and I just have fun. I do whatever the fuck I want. Everyone's like, oh, it takes a dickhead. No, you're a dickhead and you wish you were a dickhead.
me. That's the reality. If you were me, you would be happier yourself, but you're not. You're a fucking little shit muncher. Fuck you. I'm the man. I'm the fucking man. So, I can't remember what the question was. That's the answer.
That's the answer. The answer is... So I'm not staying at the Hilton's. You're not staying anywhere, Dave. I don't give a fuck about this hardhand shit. I mean, hateful, what's it called? Hateful Tate? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, I ran away from Romania from this shit. You did, yeah. And now, you're
I ain't got no bank cards okay I could have taken some of that eight grand and and and booked a hotel but in the last two days listen I had to feed myself and get petrol for two whole days man of course the money's gone I had to eat three meals a day I had to drink and get petrol for two days of course I'm out of course the eight grand's gone how are you feeling after well I'm nearly at petrol but you know I'm not hungry at least good so of course the money's gone you know I don't have access to my
millions when i have access to my millions it's cool but the thieves took my bank cards so one of them things so i'll get new ones issued from fucking foreign banks it ain't easy to like get a russian bank to send a card to england it is long maybe i could go moscow and get new cards see there's another place on the list i should be going i need clones i need one of me in england to finish off dealing with the aston martin putting it away handling a little bit of business one in romania to finish off the dragon the whole dragon thing remember the dragon the pump and the
That's ready. They're waiting for me. Plus my Romanian driver's license was stolen. I had to go to the Romanian office to get a Romanian driver's license. I need another me to go to Vegas and commentate. I need another me to go to China with my boy, take the bullet train around China. Another me to go to India and go to Mumbai and talk to these guys who are developing the iPhone app. And another me to go to Moscow and get new bank cards. I've got shit to do and there's only one me. There's only one Andrew Tate. This is why when things are quite easy, I've got it hard. It's hard to be me. I've got to do all these things. I've got service all these women. I've got all these places. It ain't easy.
Luckily I'm the most capable man in the world. Luckily I am a fucking G with a PhD. Otherwise how would I even pull this off if I didn't have a PhD? Thankfully I'm here filming all of you and sort of capturing your plight. Exactly. We should start a charity, the Poor Andrew Foundation. Everyone can put a direct debit directly into my bank saying sorry Andrew we feel sorry for you, you've got it so hard because you're not a shit muncher and you actually do things and achieve things with your life and you're busy all the time.
pound of my hard-earned money and everyone can just give me money and feel sorry for me because I've got it hard. I mean it's easy yeah you work in Tesco you go home you watch TV you go to sleep yeah of course you're shit munchers life but it's an easy life. You live a real life like mine it's not easy. It's not easy and I've got to gamble all the time. I've got to find time to gamble but no wonder I don't sleep. People say oh you don't sleep of course I don't sleep if I sleep I can't gamble I need to gamble. How the fuck what's the point of having money if I'm not going to gamble and lose it all? What's the point even making it if I'm not going to spend it all in the
What can I imagine, Andrew? People have no idea how hard it is to be me. Why is this seat warm? This is heated seating. Heated seating, correct. Heated seating. I'm not too mad at this. Well, I'll tell you what you can do. You can get out the fucking car, get on the train, fuck off tomorrow day. I think those seats are quite cold. You should enjoy your nice long train journey.
This feels like the end. This is the end. We are going to resume the series at some point, aren't we? This is not... When I get new bank cards, I might resume this. But you have been quite hard to get hold of as a human being. I've been busy. I'm a G. I've been busy. I'm an international gangster. I've got shit to do. I'm moving kilos.
I'm busy. I can't just be on my phone like oh hi Dave yeah hi. It would be nice every now and then. No can't do it. I'm international bad boy. Should we say one day Dave? Listen. I'll message you when I have new bank cards we'll see what happens. Bloody nightmare train journey.
Pretty much.
Thank you.
*Tonk*
Jesus.
*Sigh*
Oh, God.
- Thank you.
So, I'm going to go to the next one.
Basically, I had a couple of pints of
London St Pancras.
Could have been a mistake because
I've missed a connecting train to Margate now
So...
little shitty B&B
you
It's costing me more than the Hilton.
145 quid for this.
Bye.
Yeah.
When the guy let me in, he said,
Yeah, you're in Seven. We call it Suicide Seven.
-
I can see why.
That is not a millionaire sized TV. That's just to give you some context. That's my hand.
and they're not large
Don't read too much into that but...
tea making facilities
Oh look, a nice traditional fireplace.
That's going to burn dry isn't it?
Oh fucking hell.
145 quid.
Not even a dump, there's no bathroom.
But tomorrow at Margate,
Trust me, there will be a party waiting for me. There has to be.
-
Four weeks out of market, everyone will be clocking to see me. I know that fact.
*outro music*
Bloody good to be back. Good mate of mine runs this. Mr Russell. There he is. Russell my man. How are you doing? All right? Bloody fantastic. Good to be back. Good to be back. You've been back. Where have you been? Romania. Romania? Yeah, yeah. Any good? Yeah, you've not been watching the web series? No, I'll be honest with you, buddy. No. Sorry about that. What was it like? The usual, please, mate. What's the usual? Yeah, no, the usual. Usual beer, Americano, latte. Cinnamon latte.
with the jelly babies. - Cinnamon latte with jelly babies? - Yeah, that's the, come on mate. - No worries, who do that for you? Do you want regular, medium or large? - So you, medium. - Medium, yeah? - Yeah. - Okay, no worries. It's fine.
Absolute wanker as well, he knew the order. Been going there for fucking years.
Original and best.
Good to be home. Time to be home. Beautiful day. The brother's picking me up, don't know where he is but should be that soon, the Scaligab.
Single parent Not the only one in my unit, trust me Not exactly a BMW, but you know good little runner A to B and all that
Bloody ecstatic to see me naturally
Robba Yeah, bloody good mate, bloody good
Did we home? Get the night last night was it? Get that shit off of ya.
Ah the blue skies and the golden sands.
At least they were happy to see me. At least they were happy to see me. The Turner Contemporary, home to Tracy Emmons Jamrags and other contemporary bollocks. Nothing had really changed in Margate.
You know, still great weather, great people. This was new, some weird
Leopard skin telephone box thousand smiles per hour is not what I was dealing with the tape brothers But you can be found here a thousand smiles from the owners that they've tricked people to come into their terrible thing
One of the only flaws about
Romania for selection of confectionery
Literally one of the only floors. No jelly babies. I mean they've got Haribo.
They're not the powdery little babies.
Home sweet home.
Good to see you're keeping on top of the washing.
- Oh yeah, you're in the, uh...
Shutting up by the way.
What?
What about my room? I'll take your room mate.
Oh,
You've had my room?
Yeah.
Thank you.
So I'm in the shed.
So, I'm going to go to the next one.
Right. My bloody shed. Ah it's freezing.
It's not even a bed.
-
Thank you.
*sad music*
Me and Tristan used to drink these and I'm...
I'm nights in.
No, you're a no-tie-am.
Starrop from Man
The spirit of frog.
Might be going there next, who knows?
...
You know, not that this is bad,
It's cold, it's...
I don't know, it's not.
There's no free shower caps.
Put it that way. There's very little free stuff actually.
But you know, silver linings.
Don't get those in Romania do you? McCoy's. The real McCoy's. Can't beat it.
The ultimate beer crisp. As many jelly babies as I can eat. Wow.
Many jelly babies
I lost 20 quid, well, um...
- All strange.
Wonder what the boys are doing.
*sad*
Probably similar
activities ready?
Jeremy Carles just about to come on. Andrew's favourite.
Probably give him a text then though.
.
Bob's told me to meet him at the pub. If I know him he's probably planned a little welcome back to Margate.
No one about them?
Yeah, I thought it was going to be a bit of a party or something. Nah, not it. Alright, game of pools. Right, that's the one option.
Alright.
Alright Al, how you doing? Alright thanks. Good. You missed me? Didn't know you'd gone. Good. Good. Ball joint. Ball joint. Ball joint. Ball joint.
Now we're fucking moving! What would you like? A JD and Coke please mate. Okay. Can you just have a good day?
I'll have two JDs and Cokes please.
Welcome home.
Outro Music.
*sigh*
25 messages unanswered now.
He's seen them as well, I've seen he's seen them.
But nothing.
Even Tristan's ignoring me. I don't know.
I don't know what's going on.
Thank you.
I mean, they're probably just busy. They're obviously busy.
that
Feels like it could be the end.
Checkmate.
which is sad because it's chess
Reminds me of the good times.
Me and Andrew are going to meet Maurice Ashley.
the man with the world's largest head
Yeah, just came up with some crazy creative stuff.
and brain
Message.
Domino's for fuck's sake.
*Sigh*
Check my...
Oh shit.
He's a character man, or he was a character. He really was. He really was. He really was. He... I remember when he came... The funniest story was when he came to Brooklyn unannounced to come pick me up to say, we're going to the US Open. This was like 89?
- Wow. - And he said, "We're going to the US Open." I was like, "I got no money." He's like, "Okay, just jump in the car, you gotta ride." It's in Chicago, by the way. - Okay, so we're gonna drive.
I drive there, this is the next day. We don't have 24 rooms, we'll figure it out. Jump in the car, we start driving. He's hitting down some Hennessy or something. The whole fucking way. While driving. He's drinking, man. And I didn't have a license at the time, so I'm just like, come on, man. Take it easy on the train. He's talking trash the whole way. He's talking chess, he's philosophizing about life, the whole thing.
At some point he's getting so tired he starts to swerve. We're on the highway, and he's like, I was like, yo, and I have to keep waking him up. Focus, man. And then he's like, you know what, I'm tired, man. Just pull over and see. I was like, that's a good idea. So he pulled over, we're in a minute, and then we went to, to his home in Indiana. We were on the way. - Yeah, yeah. - And he had some, he had his sisters, I guess your aunt, beautiful women. - Yeah. - And I'm trying to hit on them. Meantime, he's upstairs sleeping.
I'm busy trying to like, oh, look at this guy. He's got some five sisters, man. - Oh, you know, yeah. He's an extra queen. - Yeah, finally he comes back down after, I don't know how long I was down there bullshitting. And then we drive on and we get to Chicago. Now I'm really genuinely tired. - Yeah, yeah. - And he goes inside and somehow he finagles a room. - Sorry, bro. - So this thing-- - You know what, I have so many thought and remembrance of my dad, and it was exactly how you've described it. No money, and just somehow-- - Goes in there and finagles the room.
white kids, like 19 and 20. We're, we see other time, I guess I was 23. He was a little older. So, you know, he just gets these teenage kids or high college kids who are staying in the room together to get us to stay in the room with them. And we ended up like sleeping on the sofa and, you know, floor and whatever. And we just hung out with them the whole time. At some point they were, they were thrilled that we were going to be staying in the room with them. We were not IMs yet or anything, but we were good at, we were master on master.
So we just hung out with them and the whole day they were like screw it man these guys can stay in our room for sure. Because they were just having so much fun and learning. One of the guys won a prize because of us. Because his game, he went from like being this mouse to just being like a yee man attacking chess player. All straight up and we were like what are you doing man you can't do that garbage come on attack. What do you mean? By the time we were going over games every day and it was so much fun.
He had a real distaste for the way it's kind of gone a little bit. Yeah, of course. Creativity died. Yeah, creativity. And he was a creative player. He didn't mind to lose to do something stupid. He didn't want to lose, but he wasn't afraid to lose. He was willing to try some experiments. But these days, you try those experiments, you just fail. And people just see right through them. Yeah. My dad said that. He says, even if it works once, it will work once only you.
There's always some luck involved, but with chess, if you lose, you've fucked up. There's no luck. At some point you made a mistake, but no luck. And it's the same with everything else. It's the same with life.
I used to play C4 all the time because that's all I knew. And he told me, he looked at my games and he said, you know what, you like to attack, why don't you play E4? And I said, I mean E4, there's a lot of theory behind E4, man. That's rough. Going in there, you gotta know a lot of theory. And he did the exact same thing. I guess it was his MO. He looked at me. He walked, he was in a hotel. He walked to the other side of the hall and stared at a wall.
I was like, what the hell is he doing over there? Right? Then he turned around, came all the way back, he looked right in my eyes and he said, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.
- Hmm.
you
Thank you.
And that was it. And I don't know, was it the walking away and the staring at the wall, or was it the biting the bullet phrase? As he said, it was just like it opened up like an epiphany. Like, you know what? You're right. And I started playing E4, and that took my game to the next level.
Really?
Wow, this guy is aggressive.
Ain't nothing going on but the rent. Ain't nothing going on but the rent. Maurice is right, there's nothing going on but the rent.
And the rent here is terrible.
I'm not paying anything but there's nothing to pay for. It's a cold flat, nothing to do but drink beer.
Eat jelly babies.
And you know, that was the final straw. Andrew in Skegness. Skegness. I mean, if you're going to go to a seaside resort, go to the original seaside. Margot.
Come and see your other brother, Dave Tate.
Margate, the original seaside town. Shoreditch on sea apparently. So
As Emery Tate once said to Maurice Ashley, sometimes you have to bite the bullet. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.
I didn't start playing E4, but what I did do is book myself a taxi. So first thing tomorrow morning, I'm back takeside.
And you might need to take some time to think about this.
What annoys you most?
in the world, and I do mean most.
because things do annoy you. Since being on this journey,
I've only sort of heard you express love for
Jeremy Kyle, Holmes under the hammer once.
Judge Judy's good as well. Judge Judy? That's new? Okay, let's go. Judge Judy doesn't take shit, she's a fucking dude.
Okay.
What about Judge Rinder? Where do you stand on Judge Rinder? He's a dickhead. He's not 1% as smart as Judge Judy. He's just a little homo chatting shit. Fuck him. Judge Judy is much better. So what annoys you most in the world, Mr. Andrew Tate?
You know what, that's a difficult question because I don't think many things, although I rant and I complain,
And I get angry. Like I've tried to explain before, I'm most happy when I'm angry. I love to complain.
So it's how do things actually genuinely annoy me if I enjoy being annoyed?
So maybe...
The thing that annoys you most in the world is when you're
Unable to find something to be annoyed at or rant at. True, but I've become exceptionally good at finding something.
Uh-huh.
So if you had to find something right now,
For example:
right now, it pisses me off. Yeah, I feel it's staring you in the face somewhat.
You don't annoy me that much, Dave. You know, I'm relatively a pretty happy guy. Things don't really annoy me that much. I like to rant, I like to complain, but I'm happy. The more miserable I am, the happier I am.
I think
Yeah, nothing really pisses me off. I can't remember the last time anyone said anything that actually pissed me off. You have to understand, I get insulted at least a thousand times a day.
And I can genuinely say from the bottom of my heart, my dad's great. I've never once given a fuck ever.
not even for half a second.
have I cared about anything anyone has ever said to me?
Ever.
So, no response from Andrew or Tristan. Taken matters into my own hands and got myself a little private taxi all the way there. All expenses, using my initiative. I think the boys will be proud. First stop, the Hilton. Breakfast.
yet hasn't actually replied but I'm positive positive we're going to India. Oh god knows where. Ah the classic Hilton floor
116 tip off from Tristan
Andy too. Bet he can't bloody wait to see me.
- Long time?
Here we are again. How you doing? My TV's not working. I'm missing homes under the hammer. Oh wait.
You're back in the game. Fantastic. Oh no I'm gonna miss that. Oh yeah by the way I've got a car downstairs. It cost 160 quid to get a private car all the way to uh... Why didn't you get the train? Eh? Why didn't you get the train? Urgency man. Fucking urgency. Since when have you been urgent about anything in this whole project ever? I don't know. Well um he kinda needs paying.
Tristan down there, I'll put Tristan to pay it. Nice one. Ah, good to be back, let me tell you, honestly.
- Yeah. - Money has been tight.
- Ah.
Anyway, we're going to China I think.
China.
China, yeah, I've got things to do in China, so we're going to China. No, India?
No India. Things change. This is how my life rolls. Every single day, this is where I have to book flights an hour before I fly.
If I know I have to do something on Friday, I think on Friday I'm going to Cyprus, for example, because that was the plan literally a couple days ago. And you think, oh, I'll book a flight. But you can't because then it comes down to Friday. I've got something else to do.
So, on my list of 100 things to do,
Things have moved around, I think.
My next place is China. Fantastic, when are we leaving?
Do you have a passport?
Absolutely, international man of mystery now, don't leave the house without one.
Do you have a visa?
No. Then you're probably not coming to China. You need to be invited to China.
I've got some kickboxing friends there who can invite me. They sent me a letter of invitation that I can take to the visa office. If you don't get a letter of invitation, I don't really know how you can get a visa. There might be a way for you to get some kind of tourist visa, but I'm not going to be waiting for you, so... So... am I, what, waiting till you sort the visa? I'm not starting to visa, though. Yeah, I don't think you're coming to China. I'm not coming to China. You're not coming to China!
But the good news is
you get to go to Back to Market.
Thank you.
I'll make sure I update my Facebook with all the cool shit I do.
Like when I get the bullet train around the whole country and I want to go to the Great Wall of China and all the temples and shit. When I'm surrounded by little Chinese girls who like "Oh Mr. Big Dick"
I'll make sure I get all of it recorded. Mr. Big Dick. Mr. Big Dick, correct. You know? Like, if I walk around with like,
A bag of rice. I'm sure they'll all love me.
You know, call myself the noodle man, big noodle man. They love noodles. This is over? Free ride's over. The Hiltons are over. The room service is over. The 160 pound cars across the country are over. Traveling the world's over. It's all over. It's done. It's finished. You managed to last nearly two months. Congratulations.
but the free rides come to an end. Andrew, I'm sure we can sort something out. This doesn't have to be the end. I'm pretty sure this is manageable. We're millionaires. We don't have to end it like this. I'm a millionaire. Yeah, exactly. There's ways around everything. You're not a millionaire. I'm a millionaire. I'm about to get an Aston. No, I've locked the door. Fuck he has. He's locked the fucking door. That's it. Oh, shit.
It's gone. It's f**king gone. Here we go. The dream dies here at the Hilton. Just where it started.
How the f**k am I getting home?
*music*
Gun.
Block 45 and two zigzags. Maybe that's all I need. This was me, a week ago. This doesn't have to be the end. I'm pretty sure this is manageable. We're millionaires, we don't have to...
I'm a millionaire. Yeah exactly, there's ways around everything. You're not a millionaire, I'm a millionaire.
He's gone. He's fucking gone.
Goodbye Hilton. The end.
That's a mango. It's not bad. But if anything it's positive.
Desperate.
Thank you.
sort of at the end of the road
Thank you.
Lost the world's best filming job. The only one I haven't been sacked.
from being too sarcastic to be honest.
You know?
Not that it's the end of the road, there's other stuff in the pipeline.
since I've been back I've been
advertising and got a...
filmed a... filmed something like a poetry night the other night so...
- You're dead, mom.
Let's go.
- Thank you.
Yeah. I didn't get sacked for sarcasm on this one, but I did get sacked for
Basically because of the fussy Chinese.
and
you know they'll eat a canine but they won't let me into the country
a professional
filmmaker.
I'll never clean up my own secrets. I'll never clean up my own secrets. So no visa, no China. Back in Margarets.
*clap*
Back in the market, it's alright. Seeing my mates, getting recognised all the time. So... Come on man! How are you doing? Alright? Bloody fantastic, good to be back. Good to be back. You've been back, where have you been? Romania. Romania? Yeah, yeah. Any good? Yeah, you've not been watching the web series? No, I'll be honest with you buddy, no. No, no. Sorry about that. What was it like? The usual please mate. What's the usual? Alright Al, how you doing? Fine, thanks. Good. You missed me? Didn't know you'd gone.
Yeah.
And I thought to myself, what am I gonna do? Like sit around in the shed?
Feeling sorry for myself or...
I did for two days. It was awful.
Well...
Then I turned on the telly and I saw Mr Trump
Yeah, the orange-faced man who's currently running the world.
He was signing some papers or some shit, I'm not sure.
Um...
And I thought to myself, what would he do?
So I grabbed myself one of these. Grab them by the pussy. Grab them by the pussy. And took to the streets of Margate to show the Tate's.
Why there's a G?
in Margate. That's G.
kind of
margaret is one of the few seaside towns that can boast of a wimpy that's gin
it's for sale
it's irrelevant and it's still got a wimpy for now
Margate is one of the only towns where you can actually have a baby on your pizza only at Samos. Margate has got a banging beach. This is where the mods and rockers used to have it out in the 60s. That's G.
Hear that? Just another crime in Margate. Happens. We deal with it.
Margate is of course the place where artist, artist, Tracey Emming conceived, well many a thing. But mainly all of her artistic talent. So that's G. Ish.
Margate is home to the world's best illustrator, 2015. Now that is G. That's G.
good fragrance that's G that's G that's G how much is it? 160.
Margate isn't just hipsters, vegans, artists, paradise no no no we also do a lovely cupcake. A cupcake cafe. Good enough for the queen that's G that's Royal G as in Royal E. Royal E. Royal E.
Margate is apparently hip, according to some websites and some knobhead in sheepskins. And of course, it's full of neon signs. Now that's G. Now that's G.
Margate boasts a bong shop that's right next to a joke shop. That's G.
Isn't it?
G.
Margate has the loveliest guys in all of Europe. So said William Turner, famous painter. The man was a G.
The building behind me, the Turner Contemporary, is named after him. That's G.
Margate, we're so G, we're so busy being gangsta, even our cafes are.
That's G, in case you missed it.
That's G. So I sent that, that little advert, you know, the G in Margate.
to
Tristan and Andrew in our once active
group chat.
No response, nothing.
So,
You know, I had to up my game.
boss
For some reason they didn't like it. You know, Margate is G, it's a fact.
Um,
better.
for some reason
wasn't for them
So I went with something a bit more universally, G.
-
*chips*
Okay.
That's it, me bollocks. That's it, me bollocks.
So, that's not G enough for them.
Thank you, no, they both love them. That's guns. That's guns with a capital G.
you can get anything you want. You can literally get anything you want. So I've organized a guns deal. No biggie. No skin off my back. So any minute now I'm about to meet a man about dog. I could say.
I'm a bit nervous to be honest but you know if it gets them to Margate then it's you know it's
*sad music*
-
Jesus.
I'm not going to get the smoke information. It's got a need for no basis.
Pace.
Hard gun pace.
So trainers
You know he's a G? Keep it down will you mate, come on.
The dust.
Well, you're off the
Basically something small, compact but massive in gangster qualities.
Just a thing for you I think. Let's have a look. Fucking hell. A lot of guns isn't it? That is gangster. Something small and compact yeah? Yeah, pretty. Give that a try. See how that feels. It's a bit of you innit? Not bad. Does a lot of damage there. That is pretty gangster I suppose.
Thank you.
Suits you? Yeah? Does it look a bit like a female's gun? I just wear it. I call it the prozzy gun. You call it the prozzy gun? Well no, not the prozzy gun. No? Yeah, something else. Small, compact, deadly, massive in G qualities. What, are you looking for a silent kill or a messy kill? We've got loads of knives. Probably not a messy kill. Something smart and sophisticated. Yeah, basically.
That's G.
Is that loaded? No. Good. Yeah.
Yeah, they're probably too big to take a bout, aren't they? So... It depends what sort of mission you're on, right? Yeah, just a sort of G mission, regular G mission. So... cool. Okay, I'll take it. Basically, lasting my money, so... Bit of a gamble, so... What have you got from there?
Wait for, do I test it?
Take my word for it mate, it works. Yeah, I know but I need some target. What are you not going to fucking practice in here mate? Yeah, no but maybe we could go... I don't know, it's up to you. Right, well, basically, I'm brothers with the kickboxing champion of the world, so I think you want to take my word for it. Who's that then? Andrew Tate. Never heard of him.
Hateful Take, web series? Hasn't got the views to be honest. So no target.
Probably go because
How do you sleep? How do you get to bit their skit out of here? He's a nutter. See you later mate.
Cheers for the...
Okay.
-
at a
forgot the Buddhas as well so
I had to go back and literally borrow money off my mum to get some bullets.
Um...
The cameraman left me because he wanted money as well.
What happened to just doing it for the love of it, you know? Filming's not supposed to be about money. He left me.
I had to pay for the bullets. Then I went target practice and
Try to impress them with that.
you
you
You can provide target practice. Not a problem. Points.
you
That was probably past the half.
Champions don't miss, even the worm.
fucking missed them all!
I mean I can't even send them that, come on.
It's just borderline pathetic.
I mean for the last hour I've just been
sort of posting pictures here on Facebook.
Trying to get some bitches over.
Not even hot bitches, to be honest. Literally anything.
But nothing's come.
So,
Fucking it.
- Okay.
Thank you.
It's over.
You've got no mates?
I've got no tapes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Fuck it.
.
- Hey, my man, how you doing? - Not bad, mate. How are you? - Very don't be taking the piss
and just trying to make me look like a cunt. Because who's paying for him? A bit misty out, isn't it? Alright, don't speak English. Hey man, kind of left me at the hotel there. Iron Brew! Didn't have you down as an Iron Brew, man. I'm just like, fit bitches apply here. Car's going back. I think he's mad. I think we're down about 700 pounds. Hot girls apply. Free Burger King.
I've got paper.
I'm just
Offensive. Equally offensive. Hot tub. You. You're a worm until you can do that. I will look for you. I will find you. Mate, completely. You'd be an idiot not to.
Give me more money. Stunner! Boom! What do you mean you don't like the beer? Rogue One for one rogue.
Farrah
I'll never pin up my face first. Watch me. I'll hit the gym, biceps will be bigger than ever before. Oh, for fuck's sake. You're not excited about Christmas. Christmas isn't happening, Dave. You're gonna have to get over that.
- The boner Grinch. Chainsaw in one hand, axe in the other. Massive dong. - The 10 inch Grinch. - We are professional losers. - I didn't use it to be quick.
Bye.
about people.
Welcome to the real world.
Trump is a G. When someone comes up to me and like takes my sandwich out of my hand and throws something on me that's funny. Like I will literally end your life. I don't care about what you do, Dave. I don't care.
The Ice Bucket Challenge was one of the most stressful periods of my life. I'm just in bootcrest by myself then.
Yes, you're in Romania on your own. Be careful, it's dangerous. You call me fancy.
That best life
I'm
- Yes.
The president, the most powerful man in the world, is telling Ellen how brave she is, what amazing things she's done, all because she looked a bit of listening.
What is wrong with these people? Bloody good to be back though, isn't it? Tropical, mate. No. 7 degrees. I hate snow. If there's one thing I hate more than snow, it's England. See, people say, oh, Tate's got it easy. Tate's a millionaire. I don't have it easy. I've got to decide where to go now. I'm busy. I'm a G. I've been busy. I'm an international gangster. I've got shit to do. Don't give a fuck about this hardhand shit. I mean, hateful. What's the call? Hateful thing.
- Ah.
*Ding*
I missed. I fucking missed.
Hell of a tooth fake. Hell of a tooth fake.