Transcript
I'm gonna have a chip get him.
You had two simple jobs. One, stay awake.
and two, charge the camera.
Now you're filming on your phone because you slept all night while I drove.
The camera wasn't charged. We filmed none of it.
You can't have a fucking shit, no.
You've been in one of those, haven't you?
mood. Not all drive. Why are you filming on your phone again? You're always filming on your phone. Yeah, the batteries are not yet charged. Your only job is to make movies and you don't charge the camera. The camera's literally never fucking charged. Yeah, it's been a few technical hiccups. Technical hiccups? It's a fucking
plug plug it in. Will do, will do. Of course it's nice. So basically yeah the proper shots you should be getting, we're coming to Budapest now, you've been all the way across Europe, there's a castle, there's a bridge, all this shit you should be getting on a real camera, you're getting on your fucking phone, because you didn't charge it. It's not the equipment, it's the camera operator, that's the key. She absolutely fits the whole thing.
Dave, to charge the camera. Yep, coming up. So what were you going to do here then, Budapest? Well, it's a well-known city. It's got a bit of a vibe, it's got a bit of a party scene. Obviously, we're tired. We've been burning for a thousand miles today, nearly. So, I guess we could get some sleep. Or we could go out and start boozing. So it's, you know, the age-old conundrum.
Yeah
Trying to decide What my body needs more a good night's sleep or booze
We do have a lot of hours to do again tomorrow It would almost be foolish to go boozing. It would be very foolish to go boozing.
- You are not charged.
- Oh yeah, I'm liking this already. This is very plush.
It's a bit of a sin, I mean.
Well we've gone down a fucking no injury.
Ah, well that's not good.
Because Tristan's an idiot.
What the fuck you doing, man?
Way down a one-way.
I'm going to go to the next one.
Thank you.
So now the Hungarians are laughing at the stupid English guys. Being fucked by Google Maps, which is obviously out of date.
you
is taking up a seat in my car.
for absolutely zero reasons.
Zero reason.
I'll get the first rounded.
I think, yeah, I think it's a good idea.
You can lend us a school, could you?
Corns on. This is my kind of night to be honest with us. Here's food.
- Taiji.
It's already better than Thailand. - This is a billion florins. - Effectively, I'm a fucking billionaire. - How much is a billion florins? - We easily have a billion florins. - A billion florins less than our cars. - True. - True. - So we've rolled up the billion. I'm not waiting to know why. - I see you can put a table. How much? - How easy. - They say no. - Put shit to sit in the senior. - One dollar. - More fast lady.
Hey, that'd be a worm.
Lambo Rambo.
Hold for a bow!
Go, go, go!
made it to Vegas
It's basically went to the world's worst club.
around about 15 shots each
and then ended up in Vegas. - Andrew, can we just lose and laugh at that instead of chasing
and I'll see the new movie for 10 minutes.
I don't lose.
I'll chase my losses till I get it back.
See, basically the way you look at Xenos is they just borrow your money.
See, like you lose some but they're just borrowing it, just waiting for you to win it back. They're friendly guys. Exactly. All you're gonna do is go get another 10,000 euro and keep playing. Eventually you'll get it back. You mean dollars, because we're in Vegas.
Dollars.
*Sigh*
and about 50 shots of vodka each cost about 100 quid. Not bad.
Not bad. Find something to keep gambling.
No faggot brother.
Fresh from the shower actually a shower as well proper. Fantastic.
Anyway I knew it was my kind of place where we're staying which is Sofitel when I saw sleep menu. Never seen this before in my life. Gotta be honest. Sleep amenities. Sleep mask. Achieve a deeper level of sleep with our soft sleep mask.
I don't know how I feel about the sleep mask to be honest. I think it's okay for the first night, but then you're never going to sleep normally again, are you? So sleep mask, I didn't go for that. Earplugs escape the outside world and drift off in soothing silence. I quite like a good house noise to be honest. I'm not one for complete silence. If anything that worries me.
where's everyone indulgent bath three different menus soothing bath energizer bath you that you don't get energy by having a bath do you if boss filled with red bull is it red bull and cocaine even then that'd be fantastic third one romantic bath should have done this just by myself indulge in a truly sensuous soak sounds lovely
with a pure natural rose milk bath. Complimented by fragrant rose petals and a glass of fine champagne.
It's my kind of thing. I actually do like a bath. It's a shame. Didn't see that one. This is where it really got me. The sleep menu. In case you tuned out and come back in. Still on the sleep menu.
average I'd say. Anyway let's go into this. The current pillow in your room. This is the current one I dealt with. The exceptional craftsmanship and generous dimensions of my bed rectangular pillow.
Is it craftsmanship? You've got to give credit to the birds if it's feathers isn't it? Crafts birdship.
Craftman's bird.
The exceptional craftsmanship and 30% duck feathers. And finished with 100% cotton cover. 70% down.
What the fuck is a down?
It's not a down syndrome duck. That's...
why would they 70% Down Syndrome duck, 30% normal duck? It would make sense to pluck the Downs, but probably not a thing. Probably not happening, is it?
It's benefiting people, normal people.
Can I have a beer? - Yeah, sure. Start the day right. - Exactly. Can we back?
We're going to have two Mexican boats. - Nice. One beer. Please give them the day.
*music* Correct. Usually when I say I live in Bukar S people say "Oh you mean Budapest?" I'm like "No, I know where I fucking live." You mean what do you mean what I mean? Tell me what I mean. Motherfucker.
You're a big man. Well, it's a big ass land boat. It doesn't fit, so...
That was getting an awful lot of looks didn't it? That's an eagle's looks, don't remember. Wow who's that handsome devil.
Let's monitor the looks.
- It's worth it. - It's getting up there. - It's totally worth it.
about the car maybe they've just all seen the hateful take series i'd hope so we need some viewers so it would be great if they are just getting a pic of us that's what it is like that's those really funny those real funny guys yeah speaking of yeah we did the uh council estate back to me any thoughts basically everyone hates us i'm used to that yeah i'm not so used to that
Yeah, I've kind of done well to disguise it though, because no one actually thought I was a prick for about 26 years. I've done a few fend for towels, and I do mean a few. I can literally have three.
They call you Lambo Rambo. You are not mistaken. I read the t-shirt.
He was demonstrating the stopping power of a Segway and went off a cliff. I don't know if that's completely true. I don't know where that knowledge is coming from. It might have been a rumor. But I'm pretty sure the guy who invented the Segway died trying to prove how great the Segway was. And if that's the case, then Segways are allowed to exist. Because the cunt who brought them into the world paid the price. We need to Google that.
Yeah, because you can't drive like that. Because there's only space for one car and the gaps are moving to keep. Dickhead. I'm G -Bike.
The Lambo's faster and everyone, when I, when I see these two cars together, everyone goes, oh the Lambo, the Lambo, and I discredited the Aston. The Aston's proper, comfortable, luxurious, and it sounds better. The Lambo's better because it's fast, but besides the speed,
It's fucking uncomfortable. I mean, I know you don't buy it. When I went to buy it, the guy said to me, it's not comfortable, it's not practical, but that's not why you buy a Lambo. And he's right. You can't even go for speed bumps. The Lambo's a diva. It's hard to drive and you've got to be careful with the road and it hurts your back. But for some reason you still love it. It's one of those things.
That's fine. Okay. Tristan moved the bug. Fucking thinking. I just understand how gangster that is. Oh shit, that was fucking G. Look at that bug's face and tell me he's not certified G. That's a fucking gangster pip.
What did you say? Don't move the bug again.
"They look stupid. Double stupid air pressure into the ship of cars. The shop, the box, whatever they are."
What about you, but I'm quite a big fan of the tram. Funny mode of transport, but... Neither bus nor train, but it's all good. There's something quite nice about riding the tram. Feels like you're doing something a bit special. Driving a Lamborghini Huracan. That feels special. Fuck your tram.
That is obscene amount of money. 25 grand. I mean, I'm a millionaire pretty much everywhere, but only in Hungary am I a billionaire. That is a true guzzler. So whenever I'm in Slovakia or Hungary I drink these because the first time I came to Slovakia I had one at a petrol station and they're like a drink with chunks of aloe vera in it. This must have been about 9-10 years ago. And now I've seen these a few times in Korea.
shops and stuff. Back then, nowhere in England had drinks with aloe vera in it. So I was only like 21, 22 and obviously I was broke as a joke and I wanted to get rich. So I thought, fuck it, I'm going to import these drinks and I'm going to sell them in England and I'm going to be a sole supplier and I'm going to get rich. So I found a contact in Hungary who could provide them to me for like, I don't know, how much they were, 38p or something. I wanted to sell them for about a pound.
contacted all the super stores. I was watching Dragon's Dead about getting distribution. I thought, this is hard. So I emailed Morrison's, emailed Waitrose's. I started emailing them every day saying I had some revolutionary new health drink that was guaranteed with all these bullshit results. And I promised them 100% markup on it. So I told them they'd buy it for 50p. So I'd make 12p per bowl and they'd sell it for a pound. 100% markup. Made it out like I was a real company.
eventually I get an email back from Tesco saying uh because everyone ignores you because everyone's trying to get their stuff into super stores so they completely ignore you got an email back from Tesco saying I'm away from my uh as you know I've now left the business and my replacement is Mr. Chris Chris something is coming in to replace me so I waited a couple days and I emailed Chris and said hi Chris we need to speak urgently your predecessor and I were one step away from
to me ever. So then Chris emails me like, oh, okay, you better come down then. So it was in Cheson, Hertfordshire, the Tesco head office. And I still had a normal job back then. So I arranged a meeting at like 5.30, finished work an hour early, walk into Tesco, fucking head office in my Matalan suit with four or five bottles of this shit, which I brought in a backpack, sat down there, let him test it all, gave him my pitch about health benefits, 100% bonus and all
bollocks he gave me a piece of paper saying how tesco accept distribution saying like uh it needs to come x amount of bottles per crate x amount of crates per container like just all this expensive distribution shit so anyway he said he'd get back to me so i fucking leave there excited as fuck call up my guy in hungry said i need it in this many bottles per crate this
to Tesco stores, London, all this bollocks, da da da da da da. My man in Hungary goes, "Okay, I can make this happen, da da da, so it costs this much." So I'm waiting, Chris emails me and says, "We need to talk about your drink. Are you free to come in again?" I was like, "Yeah."
Of course. Anyway, in the meantime, the guy from Hungary says, it's going to take me six months to turn around preparing your distribution. I said, oh, no, it can't be six months. No, no, Tesco want it now. Tesco want it now. He goes, well, I need some money to begin doing this. It's going to cost some money, so you need to pay me some money. You want like two grand. And I had no money. I had my month's wages, about 1,600 quid, came the next day. So I remember borrowing 500 pounds and my month's wages and sending it to Hungary.
grand the day before my meeting my big meeting with tesco so this guy could begin fucking pissing around with crepes taking my last hundred pound to last me the month now i'm 500 good in debt as well filling up with petrol putting on my matalan suit walking in there sitting down with this chris guy who was fat as fuck i don't know what of course he was in charge of choosing the food fat cunt and he's literally the meeting lasted 30 seconds he said i'm sorry that my predecessor gave you the impression we were going to stock your product personally i find it repulsive
And that was it. That was the end of my aloe vera dream. He never emailed me back again. None of the other superstores ever emailed me. I kept emailing, we've got different flavors. Wasn't interested. Completely blanked me. Everyone blanked me. Hungarian guy took two grand of my money and I was more poor than ever. So now when I drive through the continent in my Lambo, I enjoy an aloe vera dream. Personally, I find it repulsive. I remember sitting there thinking in my head, that was unnecessarily rude.
Unnecessarily rude to me because he thought he was important. I'm the fat dude who chooses Tesco's food But he ain't got a fucking Lambo. I might you know I might go scroll through my email and fucking find it somewhere in the depths Send him a picture of me outside my Lambo drinking an aloe vera drink
Surrounded by aloe vera. Surrounded by aloe vera. A big booty hoes
.
I love European roadways, especially in like the lower income countries like Slovakia, Hungary, Romania. There's no cars. There's no cars. It can be Monday morning 9am and there's nothing ahead of you. I've been holding a very respectable 70 miles an hour of course for a sustained period of time.
Speed check. Just go through. Please. Yeah, we'll just go through their speed check. Just burn through it. Trying to see if they're going to turn their lights on and come chase us.
This is going to incriminate me. Literally through a speed track. Literally through it. And I saw the two officers look at each other like, "Do we chase this cunt or not?" They said so. Well, I don't know. Can they catch me? Maybe I should go faster. Maybe I can outrun them.
Live nine lives and gun down ten and ride like the wind.
So I'll ride like the wind, ride like the wind.
see what happens. I burnt through their speed trap and then I thought if I keep going that fast they literally can't catch me unless they do. If I'm doing 150 by the time they get in a car they have to do 170 180. I don't think the Hungarian police have anything that can do that. But they do have radios so I don't know how this border check is going to go. I might have been driving too fast for them to let me through.
We got any fun activities planned in Romania? You're going to finally do the one thing you're
One job, the only thing you had to do was film my house. It's been weeks and weeks and weeks you've not filmed my house. You've been fucking Thailand, you've been everywhere all over the world, and you've still not filmed my house. You're going to finally do the one job you got paid £220 for. No more jobs with you, Dave. Just film my house, make it look good like an episode of Cribs. That's all I've wanted from this whole fucking series. Oh.
Why are you in a Lambo driving across Europe? I do need to watch this Cribs show. See what it's about.
MTV, you reckon? The European country, there's no border. Romania has a border. Like, oh, we're part of the EU, don't give a fuck. If you want to come in, there's a border. I remember during the Syrian refugee crisis, and I remember they put on the news, they put something like, trains to Germany are free for the next week because they want you. Get the free train, because if you're left here, you're fucked. We ain't going to help you. We can kick you out. They don't give a shit. Romanians don't care.
are on the train. Now they're in Germany like acting bad, mugging people and shit. When they're in Romania they're the most behaved motherfuckers in the world. If I had a passport with the name Christopher Cross I'd definitely make it across the border. True. So Mr. Cross you made it to Mexico? Of course you're going to.
I'm on a winding down line window. I'll do this to talk. Hello. Hello. Hi. Andrew.
Hello. Twins? No, no, brothers. I'm a little bit older. Yeah. Okay.
He's just taking our passports. Yeah, he's mistaken us for twins, I believe, and then taking our passports. We get that a lot, don't we? He's okay, yeah. He meant me, yeah, sure. He meant me and you.
They're all huge. They're massive men. All these dudes are massive. With guns. Yeah.
Looks like he has a steak for breakfast. Steak and eggs kind of guy. Yeah.
Mister. Hello. Little Proba and little speed. Oh, speed. Speed. My little. Okay.
Here. Just probe.
The law-abiding speeder. The law-abiding speeder, the big remaining policeman with the gun. Demanded. I put my foot down. Who was actually top gear? I'd be Clarkson, obviously. You'd be Hammond, the little one who talks shit. And Tristan would be James May. Because Tristan drives so fucking slow. Tristan thinks a hundred and ten is fast. Oh, we're going one ten. Why do I want to do one hundred and sixty? Because the road's empty and I'm going to fucking land by. One sixty is genuinely
comfortable speed to cruise. Just put it in top gear, like 7th gear, you just chill, 160 will just do easy. Fuck you, he's always like, "Oh, you go too fast, go too fast." Fuck off. They're cars, they're supposed to go fast. They're fast cars. Richard had that as easily the worst car going on top of it. Well, I'm apologised for that, friend. He crashed it, he's almost completely into it. He crashed and died. He almost crashed and died. Well, I think if we were to drive, you'd probably be the first one to crash. Yeah, probably. Go go, go.
We came from nothing to something, hey! I don't try nobody to griffin trick, nobody call it...
- I think George. - Your favorite singer. - Yeah, I get. - F***! - My ass!
- Faggot was rather pleasant as it goes, but became memorable for one reason.
This big bastard bus.
Flash hazards.
We need to get ready to overtake.
Go now, overtake now, go, go, go, punch it. I'm ahead, there's nothing coming, punch it.
Too late.
- Fuck you, I've never missed you again, fuck off. - Well you should, when I splashed my hazards, you could have kept up with me. You can overtake when I overtake.
it by hair split seconds. If I'm pulling it off, you can pull it off.
Where the fuck was I? You're talking total fucking shit. Don't lie down the radio. So I almost hit a fucking lorry earlier because Andrew took a bus and radioed to me. It's clear, it's clear, just go. Obviously he has no idea between the lorry and the bus what the distance actually is because he's already gone fucking past it and it's forgotten what the road was like.
So I fucking pull over, foot down, lorry comes around the corner. Inches away, inches away. Luckily I'm a fucking driving ninja, I thought I was gonna smash his fucking face first in front of a truck, because Andrew told me it was clear. I'll overtake. But if Andrew radios me to go around this guy, I'm not listening. I'll go around him when it's clear. *music*
*music*
This is revenge for Ty man. Look at all these little dead fuckers. To be honest, you couldn't
Very nice way to go. Kamikaze into the Aston Martin. That's how I'd choose to die if I was a fly.
Bug destruction. Bugs getting obliterated.
Fuck vegetarians. How many vegans are we upset? You don't care when bugs die, you only care when cute little lambs die. That's the first meal I'm going to have when I get to book press a lamb.
I was taking away from his mother and had his head caught on. I'll run one over. Yeah, hopefully there'll be a lamp in the front of my lamb buck because I scrape it up. So that was it, we made it. Made it to Romania but we still got a long way to go to the big country, friend. It's like coming into Newcastle, thinking you made it to Brighton. Okay, now let's go.
Let's go. Lads. Lads, yeah.
And I've got such a long way to go, such a long way to go, take it to the border of Mexico, so I ride like the wind, ride like the wind, ride like the wind.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Just like that outside into inside the Aston Martins Bob knew what he was doing didn't he?
He's made up his mind. I ain't wasting no more time. Is that enough? Here I go again on my own. I'm literally never on my own. I'm the only road I've ever known. Never known any roads. Don't drive. Why keep him driving? I haven't got down to it.
This the fucking song. Absolute banger. Gotta give it to the bummers, they do produce some bangers. True.
I've got some things to tell him. Okay.
I feel so unsure as I take your hand and lead you to the song.
to the dance floor.
Do you copy?
Do you copy?
I'm never gonna dance again.
There's no comfort in truth, pain is the one in mind. I'm never gonna dance again. Guilty feet, I've got no rhythm. Though it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool. Should've known better than to cheat a friend and waste this chance that I've been given. So I'm never gonna dance again. The way I dance with you.
He turned off his radio. In a weird way we win. We do win. We do win.
I think we should lose this crowd. Music seems so loud. I wish that we could lose this crowd. Maybe it's better this way. We heard each other with the things we wanna say. We could have been so good together. We could have done this dance forever.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
although he was a homosexual this has got a rank up there with most pussy smashed to this song like in the world there's got me top 10 songs in the world to like a sex playlist it's got to be okay most people more women have been fucked to this song and he could have dreamed a fucking man well to being just
a little bit. Pavarotti. I have a sex playlist. When I was young and immature, like 20, 21, I used to have a sex playlist. But then obviously I grew up and thought that was fucking stupid. When I was like 20, I used to have my PC in my room, I used to have my sex songs, and I'd start them just before I made my move. What was the kickoff, what kicked you off? Brian McKnight, What's My Name, that was the song. Then it moved on to Joe, All The Things Your Man Won't Do.
Man's World by James Brown was in there. For all you people who think that's not a sex song, put on Man's World by James Brown. Featuring Pavarotti. Yeah, well, that one's good as well. Have sex with your girlfriend, the Man's World, and you'll change your mind. I have a problem. Trust me. 100%. Great advice. Good life advice here from the guys on board the Lamborghini of the Hateful Tate.
It's a sex playlist. You've got to make me one of those.
because like we're not 10 but when I was 19 20 I did have one obviously don't make one if you do probably don't name it sex playlist yeah no mind my folder was called sex play dude yeah if you want to get away with it like sensitive songs yeah mass art song music for ambience nice that's a
Well, for the wind make nothing, nothing, nothing, like a woman or a girl. Yeah.
L 'uomo rincorre il posare ma lui non sa.
Maybe we built ourselves a dungeon, we started getting the spirit a bit.
Like the train's over, to believe in the solo person. Shittest drive ever. Shittest drive ever. Shittest drive ever.
Hello Dave TV, I am Andrew Tate, Kickboxing World Champion, and welcome to my crib.
Oh, good shot there. Good shot there. Oh! Beautiful shot there. I told you. I told you, this kid is dangerous.
My house. I haven't had a house in a long time. I've been without a house for years, living in hotels. This is my first house in a long time. You can say it's do more of what makes you happy, which is obviously fucking...
Filming the beautiful Hateful Take series with the lovely Hayden McKenna. I got a bit obsessed with storage because I haven't had a house in so long. When they were building it I kept saying I need storage, I need storage, I need storage. And they're giving me so much storage and I have no stuff. I have no stuff.
Coats, coats, I don't own. And shoes I don't have. So we've got storage here.
Living room?
As I said, I've just moved in. We've got like shit all over the place. Ambient lighting and stuff. They spoke to me in emails all about what they're going to do and how it's going to look and I was very much like, okay. And this is what we've ended up with. Sofas. When I saw this sofa, I thought you'll just fall straight off of these. Go look.
They call power.
Genuine power.
Genuine power on the back. You can genuinely, if you try and push and this moves.
even though that this is a mobile thing.
That impressed me a lot.
that my sofa has power.
They say the name chess came from originally they think it was
coming from the name from Shah which means king in India obviously they said over time it's just changed the name chess best game on earth and don't know how to play but learn.
Chess a real fireplace instead of a real fireplace because I had real fires they give me this on the chimneys built into the wall so it goes out which is a bit hot for that now.
It's like 30 degrees today. But a little fireplace to the window all hooked up.
Big table for all the friends I don't have who aren't going to come around.
More storage to put things in, I don't know.
I better go shopping, buy some shit.
This girl is supposed to be some girl, some famous girl, some shit. I don't know. There's some name. I don't listen.
Obviously, where I spend very little of my time, I'm saying I've been eating out three times a day, every day for the last...
two or three years, so cooking it really my thing. But you know, we've got stuff. We've got an espresso machine.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Got the fridge. I think we've opened the fridge on Cribs. Is that what we have to do? We've opened the fridge.
Okay, so as you can see, the diet of champions is microwave turkey burgers.
Steaks, beer, and alcohol.
same in the freezer vodka. We've got easy access to champagne here. Has to be done. We've got loads of wine here. I don't know anything about wine. I'm not going to pretend I know about wine. I just know wine bottles are supposed to go in there.
so that's what i put in there you know somewhere i'm gonna be like that's not a good wine that's a good wine to me lambreese wine i don't know
Rest of the kitchen. This is a hot plate.
I don't know why, like I said, I don't cook, but we got a hot plate.
Two of them. TV.
garden
Barbecue. Water feature. The lake just down there beyond my little fence but we're here.
We've got grass. My alarm company has sent a dude out as soon as the alarm is triggered and they come in through this gate. So when I first came in here I forgot to turn off the alarm. And I saw a flashlight at the back of this gate. I mean Tristan's like what the fuck? And then this dude in like riot gear with a stick and mace comes in the back gate. Like who the fuck are you? I felt like you come to my house when I'm not here. Riot gear dudes. And I roll up on it. It's pretty dang stuff. It's pretty dang stuff.
- Cheers.
We have a pool, we have a pool, it's indoor pool, it could be heated or not, obviously it all opens up and you can use pretty much an abnormal pool. The shower, the bathroom etc. You should see it at night because these lights at night all light up, it's pretty gangster.
*music* On to floor 2. Bathroom, for a cliff sink and such. Cool down there of course. When we were building this place, we discovered loads of ancient pottery.
All this ancient pottery. So basically whoever lived here before me was a baller. Like he was an ancient baller. He had like pots and shit. So I thought that's pretty gangsta easy G like me. So obviously this is the site of G's. So I decided to take all the pottery and like place it here in homage to the original G. And plus if there's any like evil spirits, they'll shoot you happy with this. Because obviously they don't want to get too fresh to me and I have to knock them out. So I'll try to make them like a peace offering. I'm going to turn up here. I'll put your little bit of some pots.
You're gonna start trying to haunt me, you're gonna bust my face. This is a very lovely painted stick. As you can see, yeah, very lovely painted stick. Guest bedrooms now. Guest bedroom number one for my many guests. TV, bed. I want every room to have a walk-in wardrobe and every room to have an en suite. Because I don't like people like near me or with their shit. So they keep their things where they go. So here's the walk-in.
All through wardrobe, pow, pow, pow.
Bathroom, shower. So it's basically like a self-contained unit. So now when my friends come over, I can say, stay behind that door, don't leave. Don't really like you that much. You have to stay here temporarily.
Lock the door. Don't leave. Watch TV. Go piss. Put your clothes on. Done.
A random room storage, as I said, I got this storage happy.
I must admit, in about 15 emails I said storage, storage, storage, and now I've realized I own nothing.
I have nothing. I've been living out of car for years.
So I have nothing. Guest bedroom number two.
*music* B.
Wardrobes of power.
Finally shower.
Obviously too good for a guest. I should have fucking royalty coming over or some shit really for these kind of guest bedrooms.
but
I guess I'm just a nice guy, Dave. He's too nice. Going to the cinema now.
I'm not really one for films, in fact I never watch films, ever.
But I said I want, they said do you want cinnamon? I was like yeah.
I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. And yeah, I like the fuck I got a fucking problem. I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. And yeah, I like the fuck I got a fucking problem.
You know, so it's a room, got the blackout curtains
And uh...
Obviously playing the...
acclaimed web series The Hateful Tate, as you can see.
I think this is when you bought a gun to kill yourself, Dave. Something along those lines. So we got the Hateful Take on the cinema screen. Got the big sofa gear, chilling out. Like I said, blackout curtains. These all open up. Comes a nice light room.
Also got some desks.
I can open the cart now.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I've got
This is my work area.
I love bad bitches. So we've got the desk here. Got another desk down there. So you know we're going to be watching some movies, making some money.
playing some online poker, et cetera, et cetera. You will never guess what's in this room.
You will never guess what's in this room.
*gunshot*
storage.
*gunshot*
Storage.
about nothing to burn it.
This is my room.
The G's room as you can see by the chandelier coming gangsta.
Chandelier, balcony, overlooking my barbecue making sure my shit's getting cooked.
because I'm a bad boy. Gold bed, obviously.
Now, this is my like,
I set up, like I said, my room. I was like, "Yeah, I need space for clothes and shit."
And uh...
They've given it to me.
but it's far too much. Like, how many clothes am I supposed to have to fill this? How many clothes? I don't have any clothes. This is all the possessions I have in the world. I've been traveling the world for so long, I've been on Facebook, two or three years of living in hotels. This is all I am.
I don't want anything else. So I've unpacked basically. So I'm going to do a little bit of shopping maybe.
Try and fill it out. Got a snakeskin wall. We all know why, King Cobra.
So I said I want snake skin walls. Then they're talking the fucking price. I thought okay maybe just a little bit in my bedroom.
And that's what we did. I was going to do the whole thing snakeskin, but they would cost the same as the house. So, didn't do that. Got my watch, obviously.
You may notice I'm already wearing one, particularly similar, and they are very similar. But I thought, if I have the black and gold, I should buy the gold and black. Sometimes I flip it forward, sometimes I flip it back. So, you know, a wise man once told me, if you have one of something expensive,
people think it like you saved up. If you have one 15 grand watch, people think you saved up for it. Then you can buy a 25 grand watch just so people know that it's minor. If you have a Lambo and an Aston and an X6 to drive around when you need a bit of space, then people know you're a cheap.
You can't have one of nice things. Anyone knows one of a nice thing? Keep that in mind. En suite!
Go to the bathroom, which I'll never use, so the shower man, well he knows there.
you
If any naked women want to do a little bit of swimming.
Shower for the big G.
Now I may have mentioned this before, I'll mention it again. I did tell them I wanted loads of storage. Like, and they actually, for the first time someone listened to me. Like normally, let me tell you a story. When I go Burger King and they say, how did you get rid of it? I'm like, listen up motherfucker, I want Gurkings in my burger.
And they're like, "Okay." I'm like, "No, not okay. Stop pressing buttons, pay attention. I want handfuls of gherkins. Inhuman amounts of gherkins. Get loads of gherkins. Put them in my burger. I want loads." They go, "Okay, okay." I say, "No, no, it's not okay. You're not listening. Gherkins." And then the burger comes back and it's got like four gherkins. I'm like, "What the fuck? How clear can I make it?" So my whole life I'm used to yelling at people and they don't listen. Well, it turns out if you pay lots of money for like an architect and shit, they listen.
'Cause I said, "I need storage, I need lots of storage." But what the fuck? I have nothing to put in these things.
This is Tristan's little domain. You know, I was gonna take the top floor. But I like the bath, you know, so I gave you a tea. I'm a kind of bad. Tristan's domain to be chilling up here.
His bed He said he wanted a desk. I need a desk to do work. What does it do to work?
At all. We all know all our religions without me. Not me.
So we just go ahead and test it and pretend to work sometimes.
- Talk to me.
Thank you.
Okay.
Overlook the beautiful lake.
The garden, taking our barbecue in. You can see my entire compound I've had built out of solid concrete. It's a man's, it's a man's.
material concrete. So yeah I want concrete. You know what wood? Wood burns, concrete doesn't burn. I want fucking concrete. Like you could fire a rocket at the front of this house, if I was in the back I'd be alive.
Remember that, Isis.
Welcome to you.
Now we're going to the unfinished part of the house. Unfortunately this part isn't finished. I would love for this to have been finished for this episode. But if not,
I'll just tell you about it.
Very shortly, it's going to be...
12 foot by 12 foot jacuzzi.
Obviously.
I'm like a champagne bar here, all refrigerated. I can have cold champagne, the warmest cookie on the roof, in the middle of fucking nowhere. No one knows where I am. You're watching this thing, and where is this house?
You can't find me. The police can't find me, you can't find me, no one can find me. I'm hit in my concrete bunker. ISIS can't find me. ISIS are going to try and get me, but they can't.
Here we are. This is my house. You've finally done what you've been paid to do, Dave?
Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out.
Bye.
After last episode of the hateful Tate where I ripped off MTV and created one of my worst movies of all time, I was expecting the worst from Mr. Andrew Tate. But what I didn't expect was him to be happy. He was so thankful, in fact he'd agreed to take me to my favourite restaurant, the Green Garlic.
I'm actually relatively happy with my Crips episode. Relatively happy. You really liked that didn't you? I did but now I watched it I think I should have brought in at least 40 women. Do you know what I mean? Like quickly hit the... What was lacking on the whole count I suppose. Do you know what I mean? I could have hit the WhatsApp like papow and then girls. Do you know what I mean? Because obviously I'm a bad boy. I didn't do that. I tried to keep it professional. I think you did a very good job Dave. I'm actually proud of you. It would have been a more enjoyable job to edit if you had papowed. Papowed yeah. Never not papowed. Lesson of life. So I'm going to buy you dinner but first.
We have to take the Lambo to the Lambo garage because on the long drive here I think we've messed the tracking up a little bit. So we're going to go to Lambo, Bucharest. I see, okay. Nice little drive through Bucharest. And then you've got to fly home. Well done Dave, you've done your job. Yep, like boys to men we have come to the end of the road. Don't have banned things. No more hateful takes anyway. Until you buy another mansion I suppose. That's the end of series two. End of series two.
as well actually because um got a very important engagement this weekend. Well chicken cherry important. What is the f**k about chickens? They're the worst animal in the world. Well apparently that's what we're trying to do at the British Hand Welfare Trust. We're trying to change the opinion of the chicken. No god I'd have to be clucking mad to go back there. They've been sending me emails actually. Foul language has been used as in chicken fowl. No no much more important than that mate. One word
Why is Eurovision important? A little bit of tradition me and a couple of absolute lads Make it a night every year beers and bants do flow my friend I Eurovision party pretty much. Yeah, but it always ends very sadly, you know, because we're not we haven't got the best record in recent years 2003 was the all-time low zero points, but this year I sense a change You think we're gonna do good in the Eurovision?
well in the Eurovision Song Contest. Yeah. England is the absolute most disliked country and probably probably the top five most disliked countries in the world because it has high expectations. People who are not from England expect it to be a certain way like oh wow England and you know the trains run on time and it's clean and people are nice and then they get there and realize the shithole full of rude wankers and it's fucking dirty and it's crap and literally everyone I speak to from
Well, yeah, to be honest Romania has its perks. Bucharest is probably nicer than London. Seatbelt wave. This always happens in your cars. Yeah, in every car you need to wear something.
Usually I would be inclined to listen to you Andrew, you're a very wise man. And if we were talking about G lifestyle pimping or you know fit bitches I'd be listening to you. However with Eurovision I am somewhat of an expert. Go often. Leave your cunt, I'll stab you. Like they're just twats. English people are the worst, least friendly. That's why at the Eurovision no one votes for us. If you disagree with me for five seconds let's take some, let's use a sample test. The Eurovision Song Contest, nobody votes for England.
Very true. So I'm obviously correct. It's actually one of my areas of expertise, Eurovision. Love it. Absolutely love it. And we have not won in many a year. How can you be an expert on fucking Eurovision? It's just good pop music. Let me explain. We've won the competition, prestigious competition, five times. Okay. The last time being 1997, which we were lucky enough to be alive for. Katrina and the waves shine a light. Stop talking. But, okay, here's some facts. Out of the five winners, four of them have been winning.
So, this year's contestant is Cardiff-born Lucy Jones, formerly of X Factor fame, and, um, yeah, I think it all bodes very well for us. No. England, okay, why do you know how many times England's won the Eurovision? I told you. Two, who the fuck is Lucy Jones? And three, there is zero percent chance of us getting any votes to win the Eurovision. No one is going to vote for England. Agree to disagree, my friend. No, there's no chance
pretty strong feeling this year it is needed as well I'm sure I speak on behalf of most of Britain when I say we're absolutely gagging gagging for a Eurovision victory it would put a lot of smiles on a lot of faces dare I say even yours wouldn't it England's gonna lose massively in fact I'm almost tempted to come to your little shit party please do more the merrier where's this party Margot drinking beer yep there'll be a few beers it's a lot of
With some twats. With some lads, correct. England's not gonna win. England's gonna win. I don't have time to waste going to Margate to watch England certainly lose. Well, the option's there, my friend. The option is there. You really believe England's gonna win? I 100% believe England's gonna win. Okay, so if England wins, let's take a bet. If England wins, I'll give you a grand, and if England loses, you have to make the final episode of Hateful Tate an homage to my awesomeness.
A homage to your awesomeness? A homage to my awesomeness. Yeah, okay. I can do it for a grand. No, a list. I want you to go through all the footage you've ever made and put together an episode of all the things I've told to fuck off. Fuck snow, fuck Belgium, fuck France, and I want to get a complete list because even I don't know. That's what has to happen. If England finishes out of the top five, if England's anywhere in the top five, you get a grand.
so done deal. So you come to Margate to watch it?
Where is the Eurovision? This year, last year it was won by Ukraine, so somewhere in Ukraine. Kiev, that's where it is. Kiev, Ukraine. Kiev, Ukraine. And when is this? It's like two days from now. Correct. So there's not going to be any flights or nothing.
clients. We just cancelled my call which means it's going to be a rude awakening for him. We're going to Ukraine. We're driving to Ukraine right now. So Ukraine isn't even close to here. People think it is. It's about two countries away. So it's going to go all the way through Romania, all the way through Moldova, into Ukraine, then all the way up to the capital, Kiev. It's going to take us about 15 hours. We're going to Ukraine and we're going to
Oh, fantastic this is... we're going to the Eurovision. We're going to the Eurovision. Purely so I can laugh at you when England gets destroyed.
Lucy Jones, bring it home. Go, fuck Lucy. Fuck Lucy, that can be the last bit. Fuck Lucy. You'd probably find her very attractive, wouldn't you? Maybe. Maybe I will fuck Lucy. Hell of a pair of lungs on her. Yeah, well, it's a possibility, we're going to go there.
Maybe, maybe she's a fan. She is a fan. Of course she's a fucking fan. Who's not a fan? I mean, do you know how many times I get recognized from this series? Go on, how many times?
Always. Yeah, yeah, no, it's brought about some happy press for me. Such as I want to punch that Jewish man in the face. Which is insulting because I'm not Jewish.
the Eurovision. Well we were supposed to go for dinner so we're not going for dinner as well. Oh for fucks I really wanted to go to the green car. No dinner. So wait. Kiev is 566 miles 13 and a half hours drive from here. It's not close. We're not going in the Lamborghini are we? No we'll probably take this. We'll take the comfortable car. Fantastic. Don't be too excited because your ass kicking is coming. A grand. There is so little chance of me paying you a grand. So little chance Dave.
Top five. That is so achievable.
Eurovision. Lucy Jones. Yeah, Lucy Jones. It's a long drive though. I don't know where the fuck we are. This is the kind of place we need to be hanging out, mate. Tarzy. Bet there's girls around here. Bet there is. This is literally zero income, zero GDP per mania. Like, Moldovan border. Moldovan border. Like, no one here, like, does anything besides farm their crops and shit. Why would we go out around here? I don't know. Local pubs.
some 18, 19 year old village girls. Please show me London. Also. Show them electricity. Like I have a magical power. My lights come on without fire. Come with me. Maybe you're right. I am the god of lightning. Yeah, we can be gods of lightning. We can show them our automobile. First one since fucking 1988 in the dictator role for our horseless carriage.
Obviously this rant has nothing to do with me because I'm a fucking G. I remember being a fucking 15 years old man watching Friends. I was at a girls house. Her name was Laura and she loved Friends. I thought it was a G because I banged like three girls by now so I'm a bad boy. So I'm sitting there anyway. So Laura's next on the list. I love Friends. I love Friends. I love Friends. And I remember sitting there thinking okay you know you gotta endure this bullshit. It's gotta be done. So I'm sitting there. She said you're a bad boy.
You remind me of Ross.
I said why? You just remind me of him. At the time that really offended me. I said why? No I don't like that. She said why don't you like it? And I was really offended and we ended up getting a little argument. I left. But at the time I couldn't, until I was young I didn't have enough life experience. I couldn't work out why that bothered me to my core. And I'll tell you why. Because Ross is a little bitch.
Because all the male characters in Friends aren't men. They are females in men's bodies. They act like women. They talk like women. They cry like women. They discuss like women. Their world outlook is like women. It's all female bullshit to the ground. If you're like a normal ass dude, you have to live in this world where all these women think they're a prize. They're so special. They're a snowflake. Like, I'm the prize. And you have to come and earn me. Earn what, bitch? You ain't worth earning. Most of these women are completely not worth earning.
read these things online about how special they are and these fucking egos and they go out and they get drunk as fuck get banged by a guy they don't know and then they expect you to take them on a date and spend money when some other dude got to bang them for like half the wkd why the fuck i'll take you on a date he gotta fuck you for free why am i with this bullshit then they quote if you don't can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best even marilyn couldn't handle herself at her worst because at her worst she was a drug-riddled whore who ended up fucking dead in
Her best was probably the 10-minute period once a month when she's not being a naggy, complaining bitch. Fuck her. So, anyway, back on subject. Now, these girls here will be humble. You know, they'll be like, wow, electricity, wow, horseless carriage. Andrew, wow, you changed my whole life. I'm like, yes, I do. I'm good. I'm hungry. But, like, I'm really actually, I'm really worried about bitching about women because most men who bitch about women can't get women. I'm a G.
The problem with being a normal ass dude is women are like seeing all this stuff online. You've got even basic ass, average ass, six out of ten hoes. Seeing girls on Instagram traveling the world with ballers and shit. Women want exciting, interesting things now. They're sitting there going, well, I want to go Dubai for free. I want to go LA for free. These aren't even hot girls. These are just normal ass girls. Unless you're like the top 5% of something. Unless you have something unique. You're just a normal ass dude out here in a world where the woman is settled for you. You know?
If you're a normal dude, you have to accept that your woman will fuck normal dudes. Which means the guy who works in Gregg's is now competition. Better watch out, she's buying that sausage roll. Nowadays you have social media, you have Instagram, they're photoshopping and retouching their photos, brainwashing themselves that they're as hot as they believe they are. All these people are liking their pictures, got a hundred dudes liking some average chick's picture. One hundred! Now imagine 1960, you got some average chick and she's your girlfriend and she lives at your house.
the street fucking naked. Nowhere.
No one gives her attention. Why? She's fucking nobody. All creatures on this planet, they exist in a realm of not how they should act. They act how they can act. If a gazelle didn't have to run fast, why would it run fast? What's the fucking point? It's long. So if a girl gets to be a basic bitch retard with a Snapchat filter, of course she's going to be a basic bitch retard. Why wouldn't you be? So it's not her fault. It's just the world we live in. The only weapon a man has is his attention. That's all we've got.
attention to get sex and a woman gives her sex to get attention the woman ain't gonna bang you you shouldn't be giving her attention you can be mates nope why why what are you paying for the dinner no what the fool are you mates for you get to hang around with me roll around in my car and and you ain't got to give me the sex that's bullshit hand your money out and not get good back would you doesn't make sense these fucking girls on instagram four million followers never achieved shit in her life done nothing with her life stupid as fuck taking 150 selfies a
choosing the one where she looks best looking, which doesn't even look like her, getting a random quote off the internet that your destiny is what you make it. Some bollocks. And there's four million men. You are the most beautiful girl. Like what the fuck? You have zero percent chance of fucking her. I want a man who cares about my feelings and I want a man who really looks after me. I want a man who says I can do anything I want. No you don't. Because when you get one you cheat on him with me. Fucking the world's so feminized and they're trying to feminize men and I've got my own little conspiracy theory on why they're doing that. But the basic reason is because
It makes a population easier to control. I see men sticking up for feminists. I see men fake tanning. Like, oh, it's normal. I don't look good. You don't look good. Let me tell you something. There's no woman on earth who's going to bang you because you've got fake tan on who wouldn't bang you if you didn't have fake tan on if you had half a personality and was half a man. I remember when I was in the Big Brother house looking around and seeing everyone besides me putting on fake tan. That's the moment I knew the world was fucked. The last bastion of intelligence. The reason I get a lot of messages on inboxes and stuff, people saying to me, oh, yeah, I'm not going to be a big fan.
you're a legend, da da da. And they don't want to say it in public posts. All I am is living the life most men want to live. I fucking travel the world, I make money, I spend money. Fuck who I want, no one says shit to me. I got my Lambo, we're going Eurovision, whatever. And most men are desperately unhappy with the lives they're being told they should live. Give her everything, even if she's a cunt, and if she doesn't want to have sex with you ever, that's her choice, it's her body. You just gotta sit there in your sexless marriage, and you gotta look after these kids
And you gotta just sit there, depressed and unhappy. You gotta pay your tax. Destroying the spirit of men to the point now, they're making divorces so unfair, so a man's afraid to leave his wife, who won't cook him a meal, won't suck his dick, just sits there and complains at him. But he's afraid to leave, because he'll lose everything he's ever worked for to this bitch who ain't done shit. I'm sorry to be happy. He doesn't have any time for you, because he's fucking working 60 hours a week to pay the fucking mortgage, and pay all the bills for the fucking kid.
by divorce law, hi, I was in a happy marriage, I was happy, I was working, I was providing for my son, here's my proof that my wife's been cheating on me, in America, you could divorce the fucking bitch, in England, she still gets more than half of your shit, she's been fucking someone else, that's voiding the contract of marriage, but this is the reality, here's the absolute reality, people, sorry you're about to get offended, men are allowed to fuck who they want, men are allowed to cheat,
between males and females. Women, up until very recent history, couldn't go around fucking whoever they wanted because they get pregnant, A, and B, knowing who the kid's dad is. If you had a woman and it was either you or someone else who might be the baby daddy, you're not looking after her. And if you're not going to look after a pregnant woman, she's going to die. The baby's going to die. That's the end of her story. So she can't run around being a hoe. Infidelity is a punishable offense. Capital in some countries. In some countries, if you're not a virgin, you're not
So we've given women these free rights to do whatever they want. Contraception, blah blah blah. What I'm saying is there's an evolutionary and there's a historical reason why a man could run around banging and a girl couldn't. They're different things. So the reality is that most men want to live a life where they just fuck and they're with their guys and they're having fun. And I've been feminized to the point where they're completely under the thumb of these females living in these little unhappy family units because that's the only way these family units will stick together. If a man could do anything he wanted, men would run around.
around, fuck, have kids with six or seven different chicks, probably not pay any child support, talk to the kid when it's old enough to talk, babies are boring, just run around with their boys being happy, they'll have more sex than they've ever had, they'll have more money than they've ever had. I'm not saying that's the right way to be, that's not good for a government, because then the government has a whole bunch of single moms raising kids, the government can't afford that, a whole bunch of dads running all over the place being G's. So it said, you know what, we've got to calm this down, let's make marriage to more than one woman illegal, and let's try and promote marriage with tax breaks. But now it's gone so far to the point where a man can't
can't yell at a woman, that's domestic violence. Boom, and see, you can get in the house and see your girl sucking your best friend's dick. You can't scream at her. You'll get arrested. That's what they've done to men now. That's the world we now live in. It's absolutely ridiculous. They've removed any masculinity from being a man because when you remove a man's masculinity, you end up with an unhappy, depressed worker aunt, a little worker aunt who pays taxes, who sits in his sexless, unhappy marriage, raising kids who don't appreciate or respect him.
We don't go to war anymore. We don't need soldiers. We don't need big strong men. You need taxes. You need money. Any element of manlyhood, even if you go back to the basics of school, being a man is all about competition. Evolutionary design to fight. Society has taught us to be a certain way. But the reality is, if you were to remove society, if a man pisses you off, you get a fucking rock you smash his head in. That's the reality of the male instinct. I'm not saying we should do that, because society says we shouldn't. But the male instinct is, fuck you, fuck you. Alright then, fuck you.
That's male instinct. That's why you look as soon as you have a few drinks, go back to instinct, there's fights. But they've removed that. They've even removed competition from school. Everyone's a winner. There's no winners. There's no losers. Trophy for participation. No, you're not better than anyone else because you're stronger and faster. Well, yeah, I am. I ran faster. Yeah, but does it make you better? It makes you better at running. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. Everyone's the same. Because all the teachers are female, and they have a female-led left curriculum, which that's why women do better in school than men.
But then you put them in the corporate world when they have to use rational thinking and they all fucking fall apart. It's bullshit because the real world is not a leftist, pathetic playground, monty-pottled bullshit. Like a school is. But they've removed any competitive element from being a man from the very, very beginning. "Oh, man, I can't be competitive and I can never get angry and I can never do this and I can never have a fight and I can never do anything. I'm just going to grow up." And then we're going to become what? Boss?
I thought my life was gonna be this way.
once. Moldova had 30% of its national income stolen. Like 30% of the government's money was stolen by mobsters and gangsters and corrupt politicians and wired all over the world billions of dollars.
He's done. Tristan is me. I'm Andrew. Emery is him. Dave is him. Car registration? Sure.
This is what they give us. You need to have the original document.
We can't, there's no like way we can, is there a fine or a, we pay a fine or a penalty? Anything we can do? It's not about the penalty, it's about the car that will not leave the country.
We need to think of advanced maneuvers.
Such as? Pay a fucking taxi man from this crappy town to drive us the whole way. Is what I'm thinking. That's one advanced maneuver. Advanced maneuver two is to find a train station and see if we can get to Chisinau at least by train. And get an overnight train to Kiev. Or we can find a taxi man and say, look, take us to Kiev. Here's a fortune of a hundred pounds. Life changing sum. If you could fucking take us to the magical world of Eurovision. We've been there before. So let's at least find out.
how far Yash is. We can get to Yash and then we can fucking do our usual wave around loads of money to try and attract someone who's happy to do as we say. Yeah, I like this plan.
There's lots of travel blogs. I guarantee none of those travel blogs will ever take you to the places we know in this series. We go to the most fucked up weird places. We're just like genuine threat of...
Again, Shawn the Head for your 18 Euros. We fearlessly adventure you fans at Hump, because
Insiderate individuals. Put our lives on the line. Supposed to be short term. 24 hours times 7 days times 1.5 lay. Which means we park here for an entire week in expensive parking. It's going to cost us 49 pounds. Done.
All week.
Except there's no trains to Chisholm until tomorrow.
which is further and then they point us to another stall so... who knows. Should've got the fucking land though. Got there in no time. Good chief. From Bucharest, Kiev there's a train. But not from Yash. No? No? Okay, no problem. Wait, ask about Chisina. What about Chisina in Moldova? In the morning. Okay.
Son? So fucked? Right now we gotta stop bargaining with people who don't speak English and to another country. It's gonna be great. No, no. So where we're gonna try and get to? Kiev? No. Chizun. There's 0% chance they'll take us to Kiev. Okay, Chizun's new train station and from there, hopefully, the capital city will be one step closer.
It begins the head nodding of no's. And I am what I am. My favourite episode of the series so far.
Take one. A few more. Chisano, Odova. Chisano, Odova. Adiamo, Odova. Odova, Capito.
My man's like what? Do you want to go where? Like jumping in a taxi in London saying Paris please. But much worse because the car can't make it probably in one piece.
Sorry again? $23.00. $23.00. $130.00. Euro? Euro. *music* $130.00. Okay, my baggage is here. One moment. Bought some due to house. We just bought him like a second condo at a holiday. You know he's thinking
I need my taxi to get to Moulton Park.
Now we're cruising Dave. Finally.
Hoping to see our friend again. Mr. Fucking...
Dickhead.
the head of Moldova Tourism Board. I mean, Moldova's bankrupt.
I'm personally a big fan of this taxi. Playing some absolute, gets in the mood for Eurovision, isn't it?
You said 0%, why did I agree to this? It's become so long. We had to go all the way back, park the car, leave it on the streets. Definitely get broken into our wrong, 100%. There was no trains. I'll give you a discount on the Grand.
We're calling it 900. There's a 0 % chance of us finishing in the top 5 Dave. 0 % chance.
There he is. Mr. Badass. Mr.
Chocolate Pudding. You can jog across the border at a low pace. A brisk walk reports outside of his capabilities.
I don't think we should wave him, he looks really annoyed. Yeah, he looks super angry. Let's not get rejected. For being too friendly on the way into the least visited country in the world. No one goes here. No cars, no smiles. No cars, no smiles. No fun. What did you say Andrew? I'm going to go to the nearest town, walk around with loads of money and scream chisernos. I said I'll throw money at the problem. That's what I said. This is what that looks like.
We found a way to... we think so. We found a way. Yeah, we think so.
10,000 euro cash, narcotic, something like weapon. I have loads more than 10 grand. My dick is a drug and these are weapons.
You made it. You done it? Yeah. You know, I think that if I was a minimum wage border guard, I'd be, I'd take joy in refusing people access. Sorry, these are the rules. Goodbye. Sorry, I'd really enjoy that if that were me. So like when I worked at Luton Airport and people's flights were delayed and they'd be screaming at me and I was just a sandwich maker.
I don't know what I can do to help you. I enjoyed that. So this man here, I think, had pleasure in turning us away. Oh, those three guys in the BMW offered me a bribe. No, I'm a man of principle. Well, guess what? Now I'm in a cab, sailing through the border, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. You can search my case for drugs. I don't have any drugs.
Took your month's wages and blew it. Bam! Blasted it into fucking solutions. You bitch.
It is the night, my body's weak I'm on the run, no time to sleep I've got to ride, ride like a whale
Fresh Dr. Bluetooth
Mate, your Dr. Bluetooth's were so far from Beats by Dre, but those are super far from Dr. Bluetooth's. Those are like, Nurse Red Tooth's.
- You little something. What the fuck?
Thank you.
-
Thank you.
How do you describe this place?
White Africa.
.
This is a sign I was not expecting to see. - Got Andrew investigating.
How we can get to Kiev. I feel like we're making progress. Right, when's the next bus? Buses don't go to Kiev. I say, why? What? She says, no Kiev, we'll never go to Kiev. Okay, who goes to Kiev? Us. Eurovision.
- No taxis. - We're in like the least visited city ever. - There's not a single taxi here. - When I said to my boys in Bucharest, I'm coming here, they said, "Eh, you're gonna have problems there." I said, "Why?" he goes. There's very little money, and the money that is held by anyone is Mafia, all. I haven't even seen any money. At least in Bucharest you see Ferrari, Bentley, Gucci, Prada here, this is where the capital I can't even find. I can't even find a cash point, mate.
- He's concerned, eh? What's the plan of action?
I plan to actually use Nick Phone Hall for the remaining doors and translate for me and try and get his first class key in.
Ah, one sec, I may not need you, I'll call you back.
Okay, we need to get to Kiev as soon as possible as soon as possible for today
Okay, and I arrived when
Yeah, perfect
How much? Do you have a first class? No, only second.
Only second. First pass is full? Doesn't exist. Nice.
Old school tickets as well. I like that. Listen to the communist music. Thank you Stalin.
I've worked out on my world travels that basically if your cash card never runs out of money, there aren't many problems you can't fix. Oh, Lambo's blown up. I knew it.
Or we can't take our car. We get a taxi to another country. Oh, there's no bus. We get a train. Give us a little cabin. There's nothing I can't fix. There's unlimited money through the magical sky.
I'm in a shitty situation, literally. I'm doing a pan.
Yeah, like this is the grand central station of the capital of the country. The card machines don't work, they don't take card, and the toilets don't flush.
Welcome to Moderna.
People say Romania's poor, Romania's rich. Romania's bad with England's gone. Have you ever felt poor in Romania? We need to get out of this, think so bad.
Weakness.
So we were leaving Moldova
AKA White Africa on this horseless communist carriage.
Didn't look cosy.
that
Looks can be deceiving.
It's actually, you know, although I think it's crap for a train. You know what I mean? Huh? For a train, it's comfortable. Does the window open? The answer to Tristan's question was of course no, which led to us having the smelliest carriage of all time due to feet and other manly smells. I feel like this is probably the closest to prison I'll come.
I'm positive though, haven't had a top bunk for years. So that's a bit of excitement.
You know in prison they give the top bunks to the weakest inmates. Isn't top bunk a good thing? No, top bunk is the bad thing.
No, top bunk is the bad thing. Trust me.
I'll let you know in 16 hours. So we embarked.
And these fellas looked at me as if they'd never seen a camera before.
It's suspicious.
to Ukraine on an overnight train.
So many secrets I couldn't keep. I promised myself I wouldn't weep. One more promise I couldn't keep. It seems no one can help me now. I'm in too deep. There's no way out. This time I have really let myself astray.
On a way train never going back, a long way on a one way track. Seems like I should be getting somewhere, somehow I'm neither here nor there.
It's so jaded, life's mystery seems so made. I can go where no one else can go. I know where no one else knows. Here I am just a-drowning to the brain. With a ticket for a runaway train and everything seems just a-dry.
Somehow I just don't believe it.
Runway train never going back. Long way on a one way track. Seems like I should be getting somewhere. Somehow I'm gonna be paranoid. But when I went to the fucking food cart, some dude comes over, there's these three huge dudes.
bigger than both of us.
"Come have a drink, welcome to Moldova, come have a drink!" I was like, "No, no, no." "Come have a drink, come have a drink!" No, no, no.
Eventually they come sit down next to me anyway, so they're pouring these shots. "You must drink with us, drink, drink, drink!"
So I was like, okay, talking shit, talking shit, talking shit.
and they go, "Your carriage, six."
which is our carriage.
I was like, I don't think so. I think it's seven or eight. Or six. Or six.
Something okay?
talking loads of shit, and then I'm
Thank you.
Are they still out there? You can hear them now.
drunk as fuck huge dudes
So they're like, "You must drink what I was doing." I had four or five shots, so I was like, "No, I must go, no, I must go, I must go." As I went to leave the cart, the fucking, I was locked in.
I was locked in the food car. I said to the food dude, I'm locked. He goes, yes, locked. You must wait. I went to the food car just now and he said five minutes. He kept saying that, so I'm locked in there. I kept saying, drink more, drink more, drink more. Try not to give me tea, give me all this shit. I want to drink it. And then they said, where are you from? What do you do? Did all this kind of stuff. Why are you going? You come to Moscow, you come to Moscow. I said, no, let's go to Kiev. Okay, carriage six. Yeah, carriage six.
Yeah. I said, you're with your brother.
I was like yeah. Anyway so the train just stopped and I got off and I got off and went round to get back on. And as I was going to get back on there's three more Russian dudes. And the first Russian dude yelled to the other three Russian dudes. Something something something something. London something. Prostor. Which would be stupid right? In some languages. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But I don't know. I don't know if they intended on. And it kept trying to look at my hand operation. But really they were trying to look at my hand operation.
Look at my watch. I think I'm stupid. Oh, your hand, your hand, your hand.
So we've got two or three hours left. I'm not leaving this car. Let's see what happens. They know we only have two or three hours to Kiev. So we have friends waiting for us in Kiev.
Don't know. Maybe we could have just been being friendly, drunk, super friendly Russians. You never know.
of that size, you've got a chance. They're gonna rob us. We're gonna get robbed.
There's nothing.
Because they kept saying to me, "Oh, what weight are you? What weight are you?" I said, "90." No, they surfed from my hand. I said, "Fight eight, fight eight." He said, "90." He goes, "Oh, me !" and wrote down, "138." The other guy wrote down, "105." They're huge. Much bigger than us. Much bigger than us.
But when I was locked in, why they locked the food carriage? Why lock me in there? They wouldn't let me in the food carriage. They wouldn't let me out. They kept trying to give me drinks, incessantly, for a good ten minutes. Now I'm not drinking. Ten minutes. Why have you got two eggs? One's me, one's you, supposedly.
They gave us eggs. Yeah. You and your brother. I don't know if that's an insult or a good thing. Maybe they're just trying to give you food and drink. I was thinking that. If we get off this and they haven't started a fight on us, it means they were just being super friendly.
overall but the fact i don't know maybe i'm too paranoid i'm too paranoid fair enough because that's how i am but even when i went to get up to get out the car i couldn't get out and then the big i was sitting here russian dude here russian dude here so i'm out towards the aisle i go to try and get out of the car try and get the car it doesn't work this guy was here goes i open i open he goes it doesn't work he comes back goes sit down sit down sit down so now i'm sitting here
prevent it happening and they made sure it happened. I'm thinking maybe and I'm not even prepared I'm genuinely thinking over the course of the conversation I think they kind of liked me a little bit and they thought oh he's a fighter let's let him off he's alright. But there's 100% they had the intention of robbing me. 1 million percent. Because they knew what carriage who we were with and what we had. Yeah. 1 million percent. You're with brother and friend. Simply. Swear to God they said you're with a brother and a friend. So this web series could end right here. Camera's gone. Watches are gone. Phone's gone.
- Yeah, but nothing. - But I don't know. But then, I don't know, maybe they were just me in front of you, I'm too paranoid. - Are those eggs cooked? - I think so. - I don't want them. Three hours.
- I'm gonna put the camera away.
Fuelled with only an egg.
gifted to us by the potential muggers.
Thank you.
I waited.
by the door.
safe in the knowledge that if one of them was to enter, they would receive.
one of the smelliest feet of all time to the face.
Runaway train never going back Long way on a one way track
So after surviving our 16 hour prison sentence, moving prison, in form of the communist train, we arrived in Ukraine.
which was actually surprisingly colourful.
I love this.
- More like it.
Thank you.
Bright Johnny colors.
I don't know about you but I'd personally have enough of that then.
Chamber we were in for 70 now.
.
Cool.
- Oh, man.
Hold on you Revisioner.
After ingesting some local cuisine we took a taxi and hit the road in search of our hotel. As you can see hands-free hasn't exactly taken off in Eastern Europe.
but good drivers we hope. Bit of an upgrade on the communist sofa
- Well, it's a bit floral.
There is one fetal floor in this apartment. It's very nice. It has two nice big bedrooms, but
Then number two
Thank you.
-
It's connected to today's sleeping cores.
With a curve.
And he's still here.
What if we have company?
Okay.
I've been around.
No, you are. Yeah.
- Thank you.
Oh boy!
Thank you.
Fuckin' the coin.
- Thice. - Thice.
Dice is how everything is settled in life. Basically, I'm the best dice player ever. Oh no, no, I'm just terrible. I'm a wolf's ass watching. The rules are how to hit the wall, because if we've been dicing for so many years, we've learned how to fake rolls. So how to hit the wall to affect it. Ready?
*claps* 3. But I've got the super roll. Just roll every bit in dice 3. Ooh, roll again. Rematch! Rematch! Tensions! I'm just keeping my dice technique down, so...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Five! Five! That's strong. Only the Super Roll can beat five.
Three, five! Ha ha ha ha! Of course, the dice gods know. The dice gods know you have a 0% chance of having a 10 out of 10 Ukrainian order. So they gave you the room.
I'll just tell Dave to keep the snoring down. Oh, Dave wakes up.
Sorry, I think I've lost the cash card. Don't worry, I've got my Douglas Bluetooth anyway.
I think you put it in your passport.
I think you tried to use that as a cash flow.
You've...
Dave would have given it back to you. I think you put it in your passport. I have a feeling.
*thud*
First time you've ever been useful, Dave. First time you've ever been useful. Otherwise, we would have had like, I don't know, like four grand to go like three days.
Ah, we could have...
Could have made that. I guess we missed a few meals. One or two beers.
- Right, so, how do we select our breakfast for the next day? - I don't know, right now I wanna get changed. Oh, breakfast, I'm gonna be up at eight.
Okay
Ooze it.
There's booze in the fridge, crack open a beer.
I have water on you. I'm going to get a second. The cabinet. Sir?
- Chirpon, cherry nectar. - Ooh, aptly named as well. - I bet it tastes amazing with vodka.
I still feel sick from all that brandy that fucking mafia pricks me. Because I was eating food while downing brandy. I almost had whiskey on one of the playing field.
Okay.
Thank you.
- I have all the playing fields. - Yeah, you know Dave, I don't know. - I might have a bounty. - I've seen my brother crying about, oh I drank and you didn't.
- Lads. - Fresh, smooth bourbon.
That's not fresh.
After the boys relentlessly warning me about the threats of the Eastern European Mafia, it seemed only natural that they decided to drink in a bar named Mafia. Of course.
Thoroughly disgusting. What about the martini? You ever tried a vodtini?
So Ukraine was proving to be as boozy as the Tates had promised. We then went to a club named Deluxe, where we were faced with a ridiculous amount of stares.
We joked on the way in that this is a way to keep out the drunks.
Oh, the irony.
a painful...
painful irony.
Look at this absolute hero dancing to his lost youth.
And very well, wedding moves. Nice. This is an example of why people who say DJs just press buttons are idiots. Look at him, he's pressing buttons and texting.
So, talented.
Let's go.
Get sexy right now. Now. Now. Give me a fucking cigarette. Give me a fucking cigarette. Are you ready to party? Yeah. Let's get the energy pumping right now. Put your hands up. Come on. What? I need to move. I need to move.
Now we're fucking boozy! Now we're boozy! Now we're boozy! Now we're fucking boozy!
Oh, smoke is full.
Matches, boys.
Congratulations, Raul. Raul. And I say Raul, Raul, Raul, Raul.
I got tricked. I got tricked.
Oh, those girls? The boys, yeah.
I don't know what he said to them. I think they were messaging him. They came here.
Don't worry, I'll get rid of that. I don't know why he said, but they left quick. So, he must be quick to the point.
The night ended with Andrew's favourite impression of me. I made some new friends going down the stairs. Lovely little bloke.
Thank you.
and quite forceful although he had enough by this point and and oh
That happened.
thumbs up.
Face it.
This show's funny.
I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it, but I love it, oh, I can't feel my face.
The morning of the Eurovision Song Contest, the reason we were in Ukraine. I found myself falling again. This time down a lovely escalator.
Or a plane. I was personally on the lookout for a new face. I can't do quicker by pulling out my phone. I've got an email. Let me just check my email here.
What kind of prick?
Let's get your phone out and check email, alright?
Okay.
Yeah.
Now do the bungee. First one. I'm afraid to do a real one. Enjoy yourself do something. I'm going boozing. Now we're bungeeing.
This is actually genuinely scary, because I'm afraid of heights. It's actually realistic enough for me to be consistently... on it. You're a little bitch, yeah? I'm reminding myself that I'm in a shopping mall. You're a little bitch, yeah? Because I am actually a bit afraid. You're a little bitch.
I'm sure I'm already.
Apparently Lucy is the fifth favourite, according to the bookies. Obviously massive competition from Italy and France. Italy
Ah, looking very strong. Basically they've got a guy who's performing alongside an ape, so you can't compete with that.
Right.
* singing *
*Dramatic music*
- Like the Bluetooths, via the Dr. Blue... - Why do you have... I'm not walking around in fucking public with these. They're not even fucking Bluetooth headphones. They're called Beats by Dre, not Dr. Bluetooth. And these aren't Beats by Dre because they're fake and you bought them in Thailand for a fiver. Tired of you cramping my fucking style, Dave. Clean this shit up. Fucking Bluetooths. - Any other day of the year, that would have been a tragedy.
The death of the Dr. Bluetooths.
But,
Today it didn't matter.
We were at Eurovision.
the atmosphere was infectious.
Completely buzzing, unique, nothing like it. You know, even the water was going off.
Special, truly special.
Even Andrew got involved.
Very nice. I'm a little bit. It's bigger than you. Hi. Pure vision. Woohoo. Okay. I normally, okay. Maybe in the video, you can dance. Come on, dance.
because I was just minutes away from seeing Lucy Jones.
*Dramatic music*
If they were full of hotties I'd be tempted, just want to fucking dude middle aged women. I thought it'd be full of hot chicks. But that is Eurovision village. I don't give a fuck what it is. It's cold, it's raining and it's a fucking line. We're going inside, get some booze. Yeah, we're going somewhere with booze. We're going to find some booze. It's a boozing area. Yo, that looks like booze. Let's go. There's booze over here.
Like Lucy's gonna be on soon.
I didn't buy tickets to the actual concert hall because they were ridiculously expensive. I'm not going to pay for you to do that. I paid enough of your shit. Does he have any money? No, he has no money. The queue is like four hours long. We'll go to a bar with a TV if you really want to watch it. I really do want to watch it, yeah. I'm missing a party in Margate for this. Eurovision is fake news.
It's down the road, you've got to sign the ring if you want. I'm boot!
*music*
.
.
Bingo.
So this was my alternative to Eurovision. A bloke banging a neon drum and attractive belly dancer.
and a shisha.
Tristan made friends at least, no having a laugh.
Andrew didn't.
My thoughts, of course, were with
Lucy, Lucy Jones.
Weakness, it's a sign of faith. We'll stand tall so you don't fall. We came fucking 15th.
Well that was a completely devastating result really. 15th is kind of noble but I really thought Lucy Jones was going to do it. I really, I really did it. Face it. It hasn't happened. I'm going to have to face reality. But yeah, still here. Still takes sides so it's all good.
I'm going to do Slovakia. Slovakia! Next stop Slovakia! Hey.
I know that the free rides come to me. You're wrong about the Eurovision. You did the Cribs episode, fine, fair enough. Well besides that, you're pretty much missing out there. You're a huge burden on every aspect of my life. Financial and emotional. And I want you to leave.
Yeah, basically with a film, no doors ever closed, especially with charities.
Cho- Hello!
Hello? How do you cockle doodle do?
Huh?
How'd you cuckoo doodle do?
Who's this? As in chickens.
It's Dave, the...
Filmmaker.
Why the fuck are you calling us? Why the fuck are you calling me?
Uh...
Just a...
kind of courtesy call just that you know I'm back in the country and
I don't give a fucking shit if you're back in the country, why are you calling me? You fucking left us, you took our money, you took our costume, you fucked up and now you're back again.
We fucking finished the advert without you. We don't need you anymore. Nobody needs you anymore. The brothers have obviously let you go because they don't give a shit about you anymore. They fucking carried you along like a fucking little parasite you fucking are. A fucking piece of lowlife shit.
and now you're phoning me asking for a job, is that it?
You've got mustard.
well I was quite
Egg.
excited
as in chicken egg cited to
continues a video
Those fucking shit jokes aren't gonna get you anyway, not now. I've seen your fucking shit videos, I've seen you in fucking, wherever you are, covered in water.
What the mothafuck are you doing now?
You've had the time of your life now, you've been there but now you're back in the fucking shithole that is my day and now you come back to me asking for a job. No chance.
Fuck you, man, and fuck Andrew Tate. Fuck off.
It's a bit harsh. Dick hungry, just wear a sign. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck your ugly girlfriend. So fuck Christmas, name "fuck you". Fuck Christmas, fuck your TV show. Snow. Fuck Snow.
Fuck Snow. Fuck Couscous. Fuck your ultrasound, fuck your kid. It's a Martin, man. Fuck Santa. Santa can fuck himself. Fuck Snow. Fuck your bullshit. Fuck everything.
Fuck Christmas. Fuck your shit.
I'm not a person. At least in the world I can fuck off. Belgium is a great eye out for this. Fuck your carrots and fucks me. Alright, what do I get at the end of this? Where's the business to? Where's the sweets at the end? Nah, fuck this. Let me tell you how you've been. I'm like, fuck you, fuck your mum, get away from me, fuck Dice, fuck a channel. Fuck vegetarian. I want that banner to go out this whole episode. Fuck vegetarian. I'm gonna tell him to fuck himself, because I eat fucking meat. Fuck you. Come hang with me, I'll defeminise you. Fuck you, Farrah. What's a fuck about eggs? Fuck me.
What's the monkey ever done for me? Has the monkey ever paid my rent? *Sigh * Lace, deface, everyone's been everywhere in Thailand. Fuck you. Better, less touristy. You're a fucking tourist! You're worth a pound, I'm overpaying. Fuck you. Fuck Belgium. What can Belgium do? Nothing. What's Belgium got chocolate? Well, it's chocolate that shit anyway. And the Belgian chocolate's nowhere but any other chocolate. Fuck it. I can't put it in. Fuck that lunch.
50 VJ kids. Why? Listen, I've been to France four times. To fight. Guess what I'm talking about? Four. Fuck it. I fucking hate this place. I fucking hate Thailand. They eat so many onions, our eyes should be basically bulletproof. I felt it was a fuck off. It's called a five -star hotel and clean sheets. So fuck yourself. I knew they were shit. I'm not a fuck off. Res, res, res. Fuck off, mate. You don't pay the fucking petrol bill. The French can fuck off.
How about vegetarians? How about these
Dead animals up and down this highway. I need to fuck fuck you again. Fuck you. The wind tells us what to do. Fuck you. Fuck Belgium. And we're pretending otherwise. No, I actually don't mind them. Fuck off.
Fuck you, I've never missed you again. Fuck off. Lucy Jones, bring it home.
Fuck Lucy. That can be the last bit. Fuck Lucy.
And how long has this been going on?
How long has this been going on?