Transcript
Eggs.
We all respect the egg, whether it's scrambled,
Fried.
or my personal favourite poached.
But my question to you is if you respect the hens who have to lay them
Yeah?
Jesus, lass. It's an old time low.
But do we have enough respect?
for the things that have to lay them.
But do we have enough respect for the creatures that have to lay them?
Like me. Chicken.
A hen.
Thank you.
dressed up as a hen.
But do we respect the creatures that have to lay them?
The British Hen Welfare Trust wants you to take a little second this Easter time and think about free
overdose. But my question to you is do we respect the source of the egg?
AKA
The hen.
On behalf of the British Hand and Welfare Trust, I want to ask you all this Easter time to think about free range. You'd be clucking mad not to.
You'd be clucking mad not to. Jesus.
What am I doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing? Andy T! You're early man. Come here. Why are you dressed as a chicken? Huh? Why are you dressed as a chicken? Doing a chicken charity advert. Is this true or is this just something you did because you knew what you were supposed to mean? No, no, no, I genuinely am getting employed by a chicken charity to, to promote. And a, and a worthy cause, honestly, these chickens go through hell to produce this. Who gives a fuck about eggs? Huh? Who gives a fuck about eggs? Who gives a fuck about chickens? They're the worst
animal in the world. Well apparently that's what we're trying to do at the British Headed Welfare Trust. We're trying to change the opinion of the chicken. Did you genuinely go from filming our series where we travelled the world spending untold amounts of money to making adverts for the British Headed Welfare Trust? I admit it's a slight diversion of career path.
It doesn't pay as well. Slight diversion of career path. The British Hen welfare trust is not career path. They might have a costume. Something fucking wrong with you.
But why are you filming chicken adverts? I didn't know chicken adverts were a real fucking thing.
Well, they are now, yeah. It's Easter time. Fine chicken time. Eggs?
Do you want KFC? Absolutely. You in the Aston?
Well, since we last met, while you've been filming chicken adverts, I bought a $4.5 million mansion.
and I bought a quarter of a million pound Lambo.
And I think I've got Lambo with me today. I blew the clutch up on the Aston racing the Lambo. So I spent 20 grand in that fix as well. But it's all good. It doesn't matter because I make real money. I don't film chicken out for this. You know what? The Hen Welfare Trust really appreciate a contribution. I've got a contribution for the Hen Welfare Trust. I've got a contribution for the Hen Welfare Trust.
That's in our conscience I represent!
Oh my shit! I try very hard to let everyone know... It's a bit low? Yeah, just a bit. I try very hard to let everyone know I'm a G, and then even like a Lamborghini Huracan, you manage to destroy any street cred. You're in a fucking chicken costume, man.
Listen, let me tell you something about that.
you can just buy from Alfred's for 75 feet. You have to be a certified G. You've got to put bodies on the streets and pop caps before you can get a little bug air freshener. So you think, I was going to keep that in mind, to show respect. I've got obviously the Huracan, I've got the mansion, I've got the women, I've got everything. But the real hard work came and I knew I really pulled it off when I got that bug air freshener. Here's something.
I came down to see you for a reason, Dave. And now I'm not entirely sure I want to see you ever again.
I came here to pitch to you about a job we could do together and I turn up and you're in a trucking chicken suit. All this, wings. See if you've got a tail with this, Justin. Where can we go somewhere and talk where everyone's not going to be too surprised by your outfit? Probably want to avoid the main suit. Can get a bit mental. Let's go Botany Bay.
this is like a complete talent. How have you made... when I bought this car I got literally maybe 300 messages on Insta from people I'd never met before saying you've got the hottest car on the streets, there's only three of them for sale in the UK, how'd you get Huracan, so that... and you've taken away any credibility from one of the... I feel you're being a bit unfair. I also got 50 likes on this outfit on Facebook. I posted a little picture of me in this, 50 likes. So... You've taken any credibility away that's possible from the coolest car. As we drive along here and everyone stares at this car and realise
I've got a fucking massive dickhead in a chicken suit next to me. We're getting bibs and shit, the police are staring.
What the fuck have you done? Don't mind the police, let me deal with it. Our conversations are over, Dave.
I guarantee this is the first time in history for everyone watching this. I guarantee this is the world first. Where Lamborghini Huracan playing Bashman has a fucking 5 foot 11 chicken in the passenger seat driving along the coast. This is the first time ever. This is a world exclusive. World exclusive.
Oh
Cheers. So, what brings you to the Cockmaster? Never called myself that. Won't again. Well, so basically what happened was, as usual, I accidentally made loads of money. Terrible, and that happened.
slip. Bam! Cash. And people like to say, Andrew, how does he make so much money? But you know, I'm just me. So I bought a four and a half million dollar mansion. Right. Just to soak up something. Well, I bought the Lambo. I still had loads left. And then I bought the mansion. I've still got loads left now. One of those things. It's annoying, you know? Because every time you go to check your balance, it's like it's too big for the phone screen. You've got to scroll across. So I wanted to do an episode of Cribs. Do you know what Cribs is? MTV Cribs? Cribs. MTV Cribs. Do you remember it?
- Yeah, it's a gang, isn't it? - No, okay, so. - It's Cribs, that could be Cribs. - That's Cribs. - Yeah, Cribs is when they had people who were obviously super successful badasses like me, and you go to their house and look around their house and see all the cool things their house has, so all normal people hate their lives. You know normal people with like one living room? - Yeah. - Wankers. So, what we do is, you do an episode, and you show the whole house. - The wanking room. - Exactly, so, I've obviously got eight bedrooms, I've got a cinema room, I've got two living rooms, I've got an indoor pool, an outdoor pool,
to do is to turn up the Lambo the Aston range on outside what's up all the cars I'm gonna show you around the house to real things I got to be filled with big booty hoes it's gonna be a beautiful thing that's what I was hoping to hire you to do but I turned up in your energy costume oh you it's funny I think I'm quite similar with the chicken Charlie went around on their hands from the chickens you cannot compare the episode of Cribs to you don't understand you need to watch you need to watch an episode of this it has to have like cool music and
fit women and my massive mansion and everyone has to be like I hate the Andrew guy he's so fucking successful he's so fucking wrecked up he has to be cool and I've come here you're gonna shake my ass too yeah do you think I'm necessary for people to hate you I feel you I think you're doing a fantastic job can you do my episode of Cribs and can you make it look good absolutely is it gonna look done if you're gonna try and film it the same way you filmed the chicken I'll do the reset come on I'm a
So we're going to do it. You have to come and remain here with me. You have to film my new 4.5 million dollar mansion.
What are we talking?
Considering your filming, I'm gonna estimate the cost you were getting for filming a chicken ad. Yeah, go on, go mad. I guess they paid you around 200 quid, so I'm gonna pay you... 225. Done. They didn't even pay that, so... well happy. Fine. 225 pounds for my crew's episode. Done! What were you?
*crickets* You ordered chicken? Yeah, ordered chicken. Obviously chicken. That's what the Henn Foundation are gonna do. Come after me. Track me down in the middle and I kick my door down. Bunch of men in chicken suits. Me and Tristan are gonna have to go militants and start knocking chickens out. Six foot tall chickens. Now that would be an episode of Cribs. Chickens vs. Tate. Fuck your chicken, Jerry.
They tried so hard to save chickens and all it did was make me order
I guarantee there's more chicken than I can. Guarantee more chicken's coming. I can possibly be fed to a little bit. I'll chip in. I'll chip in. Bit of more, I feel. Maybe the chicken's one of them. You ever ask a chicken if it wants to live? It doesn't even reply. It just clucks. Fuck you then.
The real world mistreats everyone. Everyone's mistreated. The person in there behind the bar pulling pints for £6 an hour is mistreated. There's very few people on the planet who aren't mistreated. People like me. People like me. £220 to go to Romania. That's not bad.
You've got the Tate chickens, which are just like banging other chickens, B&G, chicken Lambo, you know, cruising around, has his own hen to himself, 4.5 million dollar chicken coop. You've got the Tate chickens, and then you've got the scumbag chickens, the Dave chickens. You can't see.
Good to be back, innit?
You have to leave tomorrow. We're going to the radio tomorrow. Could be an issue. No, won't be an issue. I can drop some... To be honest, I think I've probably lost the chicken charity video once I see this. I think so. Yeah. Okay, tomorrow. Cheers. Yeah, cheers.
They weren't particularly happy about our comments. They might be happy when they see me take a fucking dead chicken and chop its flesh up. Put it in my mouth. There's one more plate. Of chicken. There's two of us. Chicken's dessert to die. I'm glad you're fucking cherry video.
Don't pretend you're not going to eat the chicken Dave. I'm going to eat the chicken Dave. I just don't know how I feel about it.
I'm going to eat this. A little bit. Let me get another picture of you in the chicken costume. Really?
I'm just complaining it. *Pewds*
People are messaging me like, "Hey Tate, what are you up to?" and they're just getting messages in reply. What the fuck?
- I wanted a chicken so long.
*
I'm expected to come out and find five or six people, and they found me and you in a chicken soup. To be fair, it's very good chicken. *Pewds*
I'm not a girl driving. The camera's making her a little bit more intimidating. Is it the camera or is it a quarter of a million pound car? Or is it my evil look? Stare her out. Yes, right. Apologize, bitch. It'll be the chicken. Yeah, I forgot what the chicken cost you, baby. She's like, what the fuck's going on? Can't park on a good day. This one's rolled up. Right, so, episode of Cribs. So, I'm going to speak to some people who did the car shipped there. You need to bring your cameras. You need to hang out.
I don't know, fucking lenses and shit. Yep, absolutely. I'm going to need, probably need to pack, need to do a watch as well because I'm down to my last plane. There's a song. Wow. What's the weather like in Romania? What do I need? Sun factor? It's hot. You don't need much. It's like a two day thing. So you don't need lots of stuff. You need a camera. What things? You need a camera you have to film around my house. You don't need anything.
Bring some clothes, you don't even need a fucking suitcase. Don't be buying and bringing little fucking junk to my place. Yeah, tomorrow I'll message you later with how the flight is and I'll see you at the airport tomorrow. I'm not fucking driving you around while you get a wash and fucking buying socks and de-chicken yourself. I've got better things to do. I'm a fucking badass. You've seen it in Certified G. I've got the bug. I've got stuff to do now. I'm just doing a market. It doesn't matter. I'm not your taxi driver. We've got a quarter of a million pound Lambo taxi. Fuck off. Organize your life. We've agreed your 225 pound price. Let's see you at the airport. Can we get tonight?
Can we just leave? At least get a lift back. What, all the way into Margate Centre? Yeah. Nah. That's far man. It's the opposite direction to where I'm headed. Here. It's a bus stop.
Right.
So, what's the plan? I'll text you a time. I think it's around 9 .55 tomorrow morning. I'll see you at the airport. You better find your way to Luton. For now you can get a bus. Oh, shit. You're dressed as a chick. You've been dressed as a chick.
You've done this too many times. You've done this too many times. This is it. This is the last time I will willingly climb out a car. Left at a bloody bus stop. See you tomorrow mate.
Don't know how to feel about that really. Mixed feelings I suppose.
Got a job which is good but I haven't even got any change.
So there we are. Leaving at 9. Got here at midnight. So didn't want to miss it. Chance of a lifetime.
*Spring*
*sad music*
Turns out there's not a lot to do at an airport actually. All the good seats are taken.
Can't afford a Burger King at those prices. Either that or just have a Starbucks.
yeah not a fan of those free wi-fi at least
- Thank you.
I suppose I'll just wait for him to roll in.
Seven and a half hours to go.
Thank you.
This is one of the worst nights of my life. What they don't tell you about these bulls, they're actually obviously quite hard. But it's terribly cold.
How you doing? How you doing? How you doing?
What you got going on there? Important business. This is how I'm a good millionaire.
More of a Sudoku man myself.
Thank you.
I want to meet Tristan. He's been in charge of the project, the house we bought. He had a lot done to it. So he's been in charge of the project while I've been away, obviously, buying Lamborghinis, going to Barbados, working hard. That's a fact about Romania. Romania has more luxury cars per car than any other city in the world. And actually, London might be beating it now, but I know that was definitely true two years ago, Maserati. I've seen Maseratis, Ferraris, Bentleys, everywhere. You say, oh, it's the poorest country in the world. And they're no fucking way.
because a lot of people here with a lot of money. Like me. Papaw.
Yeah.
What's the exchange rate of Romania? What's my 225 quid worth here? What, in Romanian lei? Yeah. It's about 5 .6 Romanian lei to a pound. So about a thousand lei. So I've got a grand. Yeah, you've got a grand, yeah.
I guess. You want to look at it that way. It's fantastic.
Nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's a theatre. I went there once, but I was hammered so I don't remember much. I should go again. There's lots of things I should do.
Like, I don't know. Get my shoes and shower. Donate to the British Handwerfer Trust.
Donate to the British Animal Farm Trust. I might do a donation. Maybe I should start to feel bad about the fact that I've taken away the person making their ad work. It's fucking me. I just fucked up everything. Maybe I should donate. Should I donate? You should definitely donate.
T -dog.
Dave.
How you doing? Bloody good man. All the better for seeing you. How you been? Yeah, not too bad, not too bad. How did you guys find me? Gee.
Right.
Mansion, where are we with the mansion? It's being done, they've got some money. Wait a second.
Well, well, well. Back to the casino he goes.
Tracking down. None other than the casino. Casino? Yep. Typical. What do you have to gamble? Oh no I didn't go in. You didn't even go in? You're wearing how? Yeah they wouldn't let me in with the shorts. Well I don't imagine he would. Yeah but he's going in the casino so if he's in a bad mood now he's going to be in a much worse mood in a minute. Didn't go well? Well I like to assume.
Oh well. It's 2 :30 p .m. on a Thursday. Dave tells me you've been gambling. Productive session? Disaster. Pages. Any luck at the casino?
Yeah, it was alright. Thanks Dave for your fucking private eye.
investigation. What I'm here for, just keeping you safe. This hasn't affected my fee, you haven't spent my money have you? How much do you pay him? 200 quid? 200 quid. Spend wood in that here, on lunch. So you didn't spend my money? How much do you think you made last year? How much do you think I made last year? Yeah last year, 12 months. Tough to put a...
I'll put a ballpark on it, I'd say somewhere in between five and six grand probably. Okay well, I just made that now. In about 15 minutes. Ready?
Anyway, house. Good. Not gonna be ready for ages, a million things to do. Plastering, reupholstering, look for that couch I like.
Loads of things. Swimming pool. Used to be filled. Chemical treated. Loads of shit. So where's the list of things that's been done and haven't been done? I had a list on my phone which I dropped and broke. It's done when it's done. He's going to call me when it's done and we'll go get the keys. Can we keep it? Series one was on me. This was all you were doing. Now the guy's essentially homeless. Nowhere to go man.
one second that the British Hen Welfare Trust was the only lifeline you had to accommodation. Tate. My finances are a mess, honestly. It's Dave. The British Hen Welfare Trust. Look at the guy. I've literally got nothing to go home to other than the chicken costume. And they've probably taken that. Let's keep him. I've always wanted one of my own homeless. Okay, so the house isn't ready for about a month. I don't know, a while. So we're going to live in hotels. Well then, why do we have to live here? We can live anywhere on the
Robin hotel I would imagine what he suggests fucking faggots fucking bad talk bad talk you're
Oh
- Oh man!
Not exactly what I had in mind for the first meal in the diner, Starbucks.
Who gives a shit? The world's more and more samey by the day. It doesn't matter if you're in England, it doesn't matter if you're in Romania, it doesn't matter if you're in Thailand. Starbucks will always take your money.
So what's on the agenda today? Going to a couple of Buddhas? Nice spiritual hike? Spiritual? I hate that shit. You know the absolute worst thing about Thailand? Is all that spiritual mumbo jumbo crap that comes with it.
come back from the country you visited as the same dickhead you left. But for some reason, with Thailand, they think if they visit Thailand, they come back and they've learned something new or they're a different person. You're exactly the same Belen that got on the plane. Except now you write motivating Facebook statuses with your non-existent bank account. If the Thais had something so magical to teach you, it wouldn't be a third world country. So what are we doing now? Drinking coffee. And Starbucks. Anything else after?
Go karts? Anything with a competition we're gonna compete. We're gonna race go karts, we're gonna race buggies to the mountains, we're gonna have an archery competition. I'm gonna prove I'm the best in the world at any known realm of human endeavour. Nice. I'm pretty good at go karting as well. Do you even have a driving license? Nah. 2007. Came third in a go karting competition.
Who won? Me, obviously. Good race? Yeah, fun!
It's a shame because I'm actually a pretty decent go -fart on myself. May not. Hey, bloodshed shit.
5 ,000
5,000 bucks.
Thank you.
you
*music*
into the center
I was given a chance to redeem myself with a bit of quad biking. The lads had picked up a couple of what they call Rupees, which means attractive female. I had this guy to show me along.
I was technically at an advantage as you can tell from this non sped up footage of me cruising.
- Oh Jesus, what?
To be fair that corner came out of absolutely nowhere so I could have taken the best of drivers.
We'll be right back.
.
-
This one's got to be blamed on the elephants. I mean look at them. Raging animals. So that was a necessary precaution in my opinion.
Bye.
-
We'll be right back.
that was a technical fault with the quad guys just apologizing that I'm understanding these just saying sorry mate doesn't usually happen especially to a skilled driver as yourself no I'm done now when a Thai guy just jumps out in the middle of a tree and bloody scares you like that it's only normal he
We'll be right back.
.
.
.
.
- Whoa!
Do it, man.
That was quite fun.
- That's a new record, I think.
Bye.
smashed it, absolutely smashed it.
I'm going to go.
All in all, a bloody good day out. So, went to the jungle, met the lads, battled with the Thai geezers and, you know, didn't quite
know what to make of this it was like a strange prison style hose down but you know all good banter
Lads, lads, lads, takes on tour.
Bye.
It's your Thai culture mate.
Nice bit of Shang. Consuming the culture, literally.
Can I have one soda water please? What about that? Go to a place. Eat local, drink local. Shang isn't local. Give me the beer. Who owns Shang?
Cosmos Buri. Okay, I guarantee I'd like someone to actually Google Cosmos Buri. I bet they're an international conglomerate. They probably own Heineken at the same fucking time. So it's not really local. Like everyone who comes to Thailand, they think they do these amazing little local experiences and they're dickheads. Thailand is filled with beautiful scenic spots with 10,000 people in it all trying to take one Instagram photo with themselves only trying to cut out everyone else in the background to make it look like they're lost on some adventure when they paid fucking 800 baht to be picked up from their airport and taken in a fucking taxi.
He's on.
You can't see it, you're on the blind side of him. There he is.
Found a monkey.
No. What's a monkey ever done for me? Has a monkey ever paid my rent? No. No. Has a monkey ever showed up at my house with a bag of food and fed me when I've been hungry? No. No.
I don't mind Thailand for what it is. Thailand's a place where there's no real laws, you can act a bit crazy, you can spend some money, fine. But the problem with Thailand is it's full of dickhead travelers, fucking backpacks, who think they're better than everyone else because they manage to spend as little money as possible. And they'll sit there and go, oh, I've got a real experience of Thailand.
I was traveling around with my backpack and I was staying in hostels and you know me and the local people that the local people don't give a fuck about you The local people do not care about your fucking travel blog. They don't give a shit. All they care about is how much money you have. The reason there's no real adventure in Thailand is if there's anything worth discovering in Thailand. The Thais would have fucking put a road sign and a fucking dude would be standing there charging you 300 baht on your way in and they'd put it on every single fucking poster saying you want to come because they want to take your cash. So they're like oh I discovered this temple. I went here today.
It's like you just discovered some random shit. There is no random shit. Anything worth anything is advertised to fuck to take your money. To Thailand. So go to Vegas. The road to the temple has shops left and right in it. So people can sell you things on the way to the temple. How many? How many? How many? How many? How many? How many? How many? That's what makes the world go round. Money. Let me tell you one thing. Local people appreciate people like me who turn up with big bucks and will tip and will spend cash.
more than they appreciate you, Mr. Four Pound a day for fucking accommodation and food. You're a dick. And the worst thing about people who come here, it's not even when they're here, it's when they get back. Once they get back into the Western world, they start talking shit like, "Oh, you know, I really learned a lot about myself, it was really spiritual, and I've made a decision, I've decided I want to be a travel blogger, and I don't want to work a nine-to-five, and I'm not the kind of person designed to be stuck in a job." No one wants to work a job. You didn't discover anything that everyone else doesn't fucking know. No one wants to be a fucking plumber, nine-to-five. No one wakes up a job.
and goes, "Yeah, I wanna be covered in other people's shit, so they're traveling the world." Everyone wants to travel the world. But not most people can't. So you didn't realize anything. Then you start writing a travel blog on your Facebook page about, "Oh, and I did this, and I saw the other thing." No one gives a fuck.
Look at this little guy tucking into some G -nuts.
Five bars of signal, tempers of mystical powers. *Crips *
Less than 1 % of those travel bloggers make enough money to travel around the world forever, the rest of you just chat shit and annoy everybody. No one fucking cares, you're never gonna be a travel blogger, go get a normal fucking job, you're a dickhead. Wanker.
Everyone, it's only this fucking place seems to breed morons. And some fucking hippie-ass bullshit annoys me. I can't stand it. Oh, I was traveling and I went to this place, that place. Everyone's been everywhere in Thailand. Fuck you. Everyone's been everywhere. Let me tell you something. All your shit-cheap experiences I could have, and as well as that, I also have another experience you don't have called a five-star hotel and clean sheets. So fuck yourself. Tell this, send this out to every fucking traveling dickhead, backpacking hippie.
All girls become fucking hoes. This is all the men out there. If you're thinking, you know what? I want to I want to I want to bang some chicks that come to Thailand. You haven't got to pay for a Thai girl. Trust me. Because there's some blonde chick out here who's finding herself because her fucking boyfriend dumped her and she got a loan off her fucking dad. And she's out here like, oh, I'm just discovering myself. And all you have to do is be 5% fun and 10% interesting for about 33 minutes. And she'll be like, oh, wow, I met someone. Oh, this guy. Oh, we have a real connection. Before she's sucking on your dick and doesn't even know your fucking full name. That's what happened to Thailand.
girls become whores. If I meet a girl in the Western world and I'm sitting there having a date with her, I'm talking to her, I'm like, oh yeah, where you been? And they sit and say to me, oh, I traveled around Thailand for two years. I'm sitting thinking, okay, that's 10 dicks that have been through you. You don't know who those men are. You probably got chlamydia. You're a fucking bitch. Now I'm sitting here buying your meal for 150 quid when all he had to do was buy you a pad thai for a pound. I'm getting ripped off. You're worth a pound. I'm overpaying. Fuck you. So if you have a daughter or if you have a girlfriend, she wants to go traveling, tell her she's not allowed. She's not allowed to go traveling. Tristan bang, nine girls in seven days. No prostitutes. Nine
girls in seven days there it's out there to the real world that's what happened what were their names they came there to find themselves they found themselves naked in my bed they found themselves naked in his five-star hotel that's all that happened thailand and the dickhead dudes who come here as well and get a tattoo and do like five days with some wi-tai and think they're hard and walk around with a white thai vest on i will kick the out of all of you do you know how many times i've woken up pissed up my brain walked into a fighter's gym full of people who were going running every single morning and even though i stink of all could just
I'm back on the air conditioned bus. I haven't been to many places easier to get to than this place. You want mystery and intrepid travel? Try the fucking London Underground. You ever seen the tube map? I fucking hate this place. I fucking hate Thailand. You piss me off. Don't talk about Chang again.
Less than 1% of those travel bloggers make enough money to travel around the world forever, the rest of you just chat shit and annoy everybody. Andrew's advice was quite eye-opening.
So I thought to myself, why don't I do a travel blog?
1% make it, so good odds.
Yeah, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be.
I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man when traveling in Thailand aka the land of the smiles
You should sort of remember these things these are these are my five moments of Zen toy tips five toy tips
I like to, I don't like to look like a tourist. Yeah, I like to blend in. Think local, eat local, dress local.
So the boys swan around in vests and shorts. You know, nothing says tourist like a vest. All right? I'm just clogging along like this, getting lots of smiles from the Smiley's, as in, he's trying it. He's trying to be one of us. Another top tip, if you do invest in a hat, which I suggest you do,
plastic on it rains quite a lot in Thailand so thinking local chang had a
say Chang, he might say what kind, just say both. Stay hydrated when you're boozing, very important.
Oh, excuse me Rick. Thai tip number two, everything is very cheap, next to nothing. Honestly, fresh fish.
Food wise, try the seafood. Also, working time. Extra barbecue flavour. Extra barbecue flavour. Very nice. Probably my new favourite crisp.
Also, chocolate bars come like this. That's just a scale, tiny.
That's a green tea flavoured Kit Kat.
Oh, excuse me Ricky. Green.
Also, if you're a big fan of the chocolate bars, you might want to pack some from England, bring them in, rather than be disappointed when you come out here and they're tiny. Basically, it's so expensive in England just because of the import. Like genuine Nike cap, Nike, Freestar.
What's that? Yeah, just a pair of Beats. Just your average pair of Beats. Doesn't actually work wirelessly but they give me a wire. What I didn't know before is that the B on the side doesn't actually stand for Beats. It stands for, as you can see in the box. And I said to the geezer, what's going on? These aren't some sort of fakes are they? And he said no, the B stands for Bluetooth. And I said ah.
So all this time I've been thinking look at that geezer wearing his cool beats. Actually, Bluetooth's.
Tight hip.
Ricky, I did see what you were doing.
Jupe.
Spray's a bit dodgy on this one, doesn't really spray out. It's like getting caught on the thing, but
so fresh, you know, bottled at sauce.
Doesn't smell exactly how I remember it, but, it's been a few years. - You were doing, it felt good, didn't it? It's all right, we all have feelings like this sometimes.
- Thai tip. - Number five, Thailand is full of adventure, all right? You can see elephants, go on one of those, look at that player.
all sorts of adventures. I'm just glad you're doing this in the privacy of your own room. When you're a little bit older we'll have to talk more about these feelings and what causes them and how we can control these feelings. Good fun. The land of the smiles. Absolutely spot on. Although Andrew hasn't been smiling much but. I'm sorry I intruded on your privacy.
about this morally, the whole riding of the elephant. I don't care about the moral side, I don't care about, I'm not afraid of the elephant.
I just got a habit of what more things is bigger than me. Really. Just you know. Ever since dad used to kick our ass. I was generally raised with that level of respect. I see a tiger and I'm talking a tiger. So it's probably maybe beating a fight. It's 50 -50. It's going to be cheap. Elephant saying it might be able to take one of my right hands and still move.
I'll be sure to knock next time, okay?
beer and water are basically the same thing. I heard what you were saying yesterday about the travel bloggers and I thought maybe I could be one of those guys. You said a few of them make it.
So there's more money in providing a platform for people to blog than there is blogging yourself. You'd make more money starting a website that allowed other idiots to blog than you will ever make blogging. Ever. And on top of that, there's no way on the world's green earth, I'm going to pay for you to fly around the world so you can make some bullshit travel blogging.
Deal? Deal.
Bloody love Tyler. Landed the small host. Yeah, good luck with the world.
Dave, I think we've discovered a waterfall. No, I think we have. It must be the first people ever to see it. They should name it the Tristan and Dave waterfall. What a privilege. What a privilege. Unbelievable. Ah.
Takes on the Orvi 8. Go into half a mile, what do you reckon?
Maybe.
- Maybe. - Wicked, wicked.
Jungle is massive, wicked, wicked.
*Mario's voice* Literally, I hope you get fucked on the set. *Mario's voice*
Incredible. But big ups! *Sings*
Thank you.
- Another long gear.
He's letting the air out of our boat.
To be fair, you did say you'd only enjoy it if there's a risk of death, there's definitely somewhat of that.
*sniff*
*clap*
.
.
- Okay.
*Dramatic music* *Dramatic music* Well, classic family. *Dramatic music* Couple of genius. They should be doing the series. The only solace I get is anyone who gets happy that easily gets sad that easily. The only thing that makes me feel good. If something bad happens, I don't give a fuck. I just handle it. If something bad happens to them, they're on antidepressants. They want to kill themselves. Because the microwave doesn't work. But when they get a splash of water, they're happy and the microwave doesn't work. And they're sad. I just keep on level head and you fucking rage.
I don't need these people's personal life at least. Next person's black people jump in and shoot me over me. Fucking get me in the wall. Fucking holding his head down for an old stupid fucking friend. You're gonna fight me? Fuck the fuck. Give me that. I'm a thousand.
Thankfully we managed to make it out of there without Andrew drowning anyone. And we were safely back in Patong Tower, which was our new home.
But not for long, we were soon to fly, some of us literally.
You know how much that means, you found that special thing, you're flying without wings, so impossible, cause they missing, you've got to find the most uncomfortable experience ever. I've never had a wedging that big.
All the blood in your legs goes, so your legs just go numb. You've got the worst wedgie ever, obviously, up on the package, like, if you look at the dog. So it doesn't fit. My big dick's all squashed, I'm floating, and my legs are numb. Wasn't enjoyable then? Shit.
Tasty prudent, isn't it? It tastes exactly the same as England. Maybe it's a British copse. Maybe.
What's been your favourite activity anyway so far?
Rafting's been okay. Yeah, it's good. But um... Wolf's dead. Which is bad news. Maybe bad news. Wolf was a G. Wolf was the best dog any man could have. And now I'm in two minds whether I need to try and get another dog or just design and remember Wolf forever.
The thing is about life, you can get really upset about things. I don't know. You know when I said on the rapids, like, people who get happy about little things get sad about things easily. What did I say? People who get happy about things easily get sad about things easily. Yeah. And all the people who splash water and laugh and giggle like it's the most amazing thing in the world. Something like this would crush them.
view to life. It's not a nice thing. I'm unhappy it happened. But you can't let things get you down, man. You've got to fucking... keep pushing forward.
I'm on the hunt, I'm after you. Mouse is alive, juices like wine, and I'm hungry like the wolf.
Easy to do that. I think a lot of people in life are just like, I look at other people and they're just feathers in the wind. Like when bad things happen, they're sad. And when good things happen, they're happy. And they're just like a feather in the wind, like at the beginning of Forrest Gump. I always found that quite an interesting analogy. The beginning of Forrest Gump, there's a feather floating in the wind. And I think it kind of is saying like Gump's life is just him being taken wherever the wind blows him. And he ends up in this crazy life. I think a lot of people live that way where, especially by their emotions,
how they feel. And I don't think that's the best way to get anywhere. I think it's better to be in control of yourself. You know, when bad things happen, that's fine. And it's okay to feel sad about them, but you can't let that completely destroy you or own who you are. Even temporarily, I think that's a bad thing to do. Because as upset as I am, I need to be smart enough to realize it's just chemicals in my body telling me a bad things happened. You know, and I've just got to look at it from an external point of view and say, I
tell them you can feel this way and sooner or later I'll feel better and you start keep on keeping on. There's no other way about it so... Rulps in force pump doesn't work for NDP. *Hmph* Force pump. I could run faster in force pump for anyone.
the gear is not as good as a tap water so you've got to spit a lot.
* *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *Pewds * *P
Good thing about Thai hotels, they provide you with a three -year -old lot. Slide it up.
How it?
Botanicals, thank you very much.
Yeah, so basically you've got a tech stock
between late and a 12 hour sleep. I'm comfortable with that. So they've left somewhere between six and seven hours.
Wait for this.
Lambo.
Lambo Rambo is what they call me. So yeah, they've
As a tank, you've got to have a Lamborghini in ya, even if it's just a replica T-shirt. So, got a good price for it. Haggled, bigs on, Lambos on.
Ray-bonds, yes please.
So, ready for action. It does feel a bit wrong wearing trousers in Thailand,
But you know, when the tapes say, "Where are you best?" "Where are you best?" You know, they're not going to be stitching me up with a little side street cafe, alright? I'm going to be eating in, God knows where, five stars, five star plus, if anywhere. Shall I take that hat? Probably leave that hat at home, makes me look a bit harder than necessary, don't I?
Leave the hat.
I don't know what was going on here, but it looked like absolute carnage. Look at it, mental.
Not the kind of place you want to go in your Sunday best though, when you're wearing the Lambo t-shirt.
One for later maybe. Yo, Andrew Does Dave have any idea what song crannies? I?
Told him to meet us here. I told him to dress for the occasion
Everyone's fucking half naked, fucking wet. That's not on.
Nope, she'd surrendered tactically.
Well played. Ah! Ah, not a beast!
Oh!
Oh! Oh the beast!
- Three animals! - Hey! - Oh, okay! - Oh!
Fucking savages!
I don't know what the fuck's going on here.
Knock-off.
Look, look, I'm in my bloody...
- Trousers?
Lamborghini shop
covered in white shit
Soaked?
*BOOM*
Don't you know what the occasion is? It's a song crab! Yeah, water warfare!
I'm dressed for the occasion, he's dressed for the occasion. What the fuck is this? They're moving! Fucking brand new Bluetooth!
.
Yeah, at least you're smiling. You're smiling!
You're nice and dry.
Oh, yep. It was Songkran. 2560.
tie time.
My beats were ruined, but revenge was to be had.
I give you the G-Unit.
We had it again, a desert eagle and a black mac 10, they never know what happened when we come through. Them cowards don't want none, they screaming that they murderers but walking with no guns. Come here nigga don't run or die where you standing. See I'm holding on this cannon and your life I'm demanding. Put the pipe to your melon and your brains on the pavement. These niggas is talking thinking security gonna save them. Nobody gonna speak when homicide pay a visit. Look you right in the eyes and tell you we don't know who did it. Corrupted my street corner by shooting at the police. The fiends up all night.
And the neighbors getting no sleep, you better get used to it, you know how quick do it. Shady out the mouth in the scope and G-U-D. We're not action, where you don't show up, racing, where you want G-U-D. G-G-G-U-D. G-U-D.
Sumpur.
2,560.
Turns out they used to have water to throw it all over you, so all the shardless trying to avoid it. Pointless, futile, still ended up with the shits.
Selfish, really though.
If you know me already punched you dead for me, it's good to go to the game today. I fancy to put me in touch. Alright, gotta go.
pays off our hard work pays off for you yeah yeah I don't know that camera looks pretty heavy take
anyway let's go eat fantastic starving nice looks slightly higher than yours i think the suspension is different very nice boys where's mine we did actually get you one yeah have you
I told you, go-karting, 2007. See if you can keep up then. Well that's not exactly fair is it? They're gonna be a lot quicker. You wouldn't beat me anyway. It's going fair, 2007 go-karting. We're going to the go-kart track right now. Right now. Fuck food, fuck dinner, fuck lunch, whatever. We're going to the go-kart track right now. We're gonna race. And Dave, you better be good.
I did not want to get caught on the scooter.
but my chances of keeping up with them in the go-karts were much better.
Easy cart. Easy for me. Ready to do battle, as anyone does? Put the hairnet on.
That's Cart.
We got 30s and 100 rounds too, all set Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo Rackings on rackings, got backings on backings I'm ridin' around in the coupe I take your beat right from you, bitch I'm a dog, woo Beat that whole walls, loose, hop in the wrong, woo I take that bitch to come comfort me, I swear these niggas is under me The hate and the devil keep jumpin' me, bang runs on me, keep me company
Holdin' up, I ain't no holster. Rip the ruler, diamond, cooler. This a roller, not a mula. Dabbing on 'em like the Yuzi. Magic with the brick the rooty. Courtside with the band. I'm back to ritual for some bullshit. I'm not stupid, so I keep it oozing. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck it. So records, yeah, fuck
*Mario plays*
Wow.
Disappointing.
Not overly happy about that return to racing. Alright, so my fastest lap was 43 seconds. Your fastest lap was 55 seconds. Ah, not bad. I beat you by 12 seconds. Sounds alright, huh? I didn't just pass you once, I passed you twice. I would have passed you three times. Then I started dicking around towards the end power slide. You can't go-kart, baby.
Hey! Raindrop, drop top, smokin' on cookin' a hot box, cookin' on your bitch, yeah, thot, thot, thot Cookin' up dope in the crockpot, pot, we came from nothin' or somethin', nigga, hey! I don't try nobody, grip the trick, nobody, call up the gang and they come and get ganged Cry me a river, give you a tissue, my pants, bad and bougie, bad, cookin' up dope with a oozy, bah! My niggas are savage, ruthless, so...
*music*
My oh my, what a talented tie.
Wow.
Kind of fucked it up there, didn't he? See that? But pretty good effort with the fire.
Yep, this would have been a fantastic shot if it wasn't for the bald English tourist who now crouched and had a shit.
Absolutely bloody mental.
Look at him, he's catching the fire on a stick.
Andrew wasn't as impressed
To be fair, he had a couple of hot things on his mind as well.
These two lovely ladies.
I didn't speak to them myself, but apparently they were talking about Thailand as they both know the island very well.
Ah, look like they're all getting on, having a good time.
He's too bitches. Ooh, cocaine is so much better. Less touristy. You're a fucking tourist. Fuck it, idiot. You live there. How's a nice touristy when you fucking live there?
Not camera shot! It's fucking camera shot!
- Woo! - Woo! - Now we're going! - The dancing, the dancing, through the rock away. - Best, best, best, best. - To be honest, I was having a
fabulous time.
Fat Joe is welcome in any club, if you ask me. And I felt safe as well because, as you can see from this sign,
No needles
No guns and no hot mugs.
Think about how many times a night's been ruined by a mug.
*music*
But once she found out, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. I saw you on camera.
You would have been Drew Baird if you know how to play. It wasn't me.
Make sure no sir, that's a real and all right for Vicks. I never used to see you make the Jigaloo flicks. I spotty up some fear by you and have your complex.
Teenage Believin so you better change your specs!
It's not a bad view though.
You see, when I invited you, all expenses paid, it was just like around Europe and like to our house and stuff. You were supposed to film one thing for Andrew. How are you here? I'm not. How?
I've got a fan glitter for that one I think.
I want to know who wanted.
Tourette's isn't real, I'll tell you why. TV proved to me that Tourette's isn't real. But I like to live in a world of pure logic and people don't like this world. They like to live in a fantasy world because it's much easier. But in the real world, the world I live in, you often see most things are bullshit. Tourette's is obviously bullshit, I'll tell you why. I was watching a program where there was a camp of Tourette's kids. It was called Tourette's Camp. And they all went to this camp and had to do camp activities and bullshit. And obviously none of them gave along because they were all too busy swearing at each other and blah blah blah. Anyway, this fat bitch that she was fat was sitting there calling all the other kids diggers.
niggers niggers niggers and then she was doing her interview you know like all these things you film them then there's their coast cutaway interview she's like i can't help it i have tourettes you know they're nice i have tourettes i can't help it you're a nigger bitch oops calling them all niggers and then they all start calling her fat and start going oh okay hi they're a fat bitch and they're in their tourettes and then she started crying her eyes out saying they're calling me fat they're calling me fat i thought they couldn't help it bitch you've got tourettes you should know better than anyone if they actually mean that or if they couldn't help it if you had tourettes and genuinely couldn't help yourself
When someone called you a fat bitch, you're like, "Oh, she can't help it." The fact that you're calling them niggers, and then you're sitting there going, "Oh, they're calling me fat when they have Tourette's." And then they say that, "It's obviously some degree of control over it, just getting away with it." What they should do is, everyone who has Tourette's, fucking old school, every time they say something they're not supposed to say, "Fucking shock them with a cowper. Fucking shut up. Watch them stop." If my kid had Tourette's, I'd fix it. Old school. Now, I'm not saying Tourette's is completely made up. My point is, she's crying that they were calling her fat. There's obviously some degree of control over it, 'cause she'd know better than any of us here.
Dreads, fat cam, whatever shoes are. Fuck that bitch.
It's the only place on earth cooler than me. Is it cold downstairs? Yes. This is my girlfriend. What's your name? Jee-chan. Say your name? Jee-chan. Jee-chan. We're pretty much engaged.
Oh, it actually feels like I'm back in Iceland.
- Mum's from Iceland. - Yeah? What did you have to say about mums? - Mums. Fuck you, dude. - Go on, details. - Basically anyone who says anything bad to me, they straight go back to the year 11 in Seoul. Like, "Oh, I think you're a dickhead." It's like, "Your mum doesn't think so." They're all like, inboxing, "My mum's dead." "I don't care." "I'm not a fucker, I don't care."
What do you think about the basic living? Obviously you're a big concert of rap music yourself. But more money, more problems. How do you feel about that? What money, more problems? I think when you get money you get different kind of problems. Like when I was broke, I never ever thought I'd need a lawyer. Same as with funky earphone. I thought I'd never ever need a lawyer. I think who needs lawyers? And when you get money, all of a sudden you start putting loads of money on lawyers and people try to sue you. People are like, oh he beat me up. Oh he fucked my girlfriend. Oh you know, shit happens. You need a lawyer. So now I'm giving like a hundred grand a month to wait for a lawyer.
So I do get different kinds of problems when you get money. Not necessarily more, just different kinds. But I can definitely pay the phone bill. And I'm a G. Just do it. Enough questions. Let's move. Oh man, this is so cold. Why are we here? Thailand. Because we're cool guys. Hi there.
But you keep boxing in China, right? Yeah, we both are. Everywhere. All over. You have everything in China, do you? Bloody both are. Even his head. Yeah, all over in China. Yeah, I know. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah we're both kickboxers, we're brothers actually. So Dave, Dave, Dave, just the... He's on my... my...
If you're not boozing you're losing!
Booze! I'll pay you, see you, it's okay? No, no, no, no, thank you. What do you think of this man? He look amazing. He look amazing? Thank you. But what is he like? Do you think I'm a good person or a bad person? I don't know, I didn't know you yet.
Yeah, okay. Made from China. Made from China like me. I've only been trying to once. And it was shit.
That's great. Hey, you beat all you two? Alright. You beat all you two? What do you want? Tell more for what? You win for free, no money. I win the box. What's your name? My name is Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee is your name? Yeah. Give me one kick. Your name is Bruce Lee, yes? Yeah. That was 1,000 bucks. 1,000 bucks. Thank you. That's your Bruce Lee.
Hey man, look, work hard, stay in school, train hard. One day you'll make it. One day you'll make it.
One day you'll make it. How much do you fight? A little bit fat. A little bit fat. What, what, what, what. Ha ha ha. Yo, I'll kill Busi. I'll kill Busi right now. Hey Busi. No. No, no. You, good luck. In the future, in everything you do. Make some money.
money keep it man you can do it see you later brother I went oh Bruce Lee I went he beat me I think I was dead it's cool stay in school I love that I do good man how are you bloody fantastic you're a good man Dave I tried a bit Kose Mwai will not be the same without you carry on so the tape others have checked in yeah to yours we know what did you what was your first impressions of the first impression was on
After I saw some YouTube videos, I thought I was gonna get my head broken in and I was really kind of like I wasn't sure like It's just the way I want to die. It's just the way to go. Seriously. I was really you know when you when you see this stuff because like these Muay Thai MMA guys, you don't know what's gonna happen like like blood doesn't just start dripping out it starts squirting out like I got our arteries. You know what I'm talking about? It's really sick, but then I realized no dude
They're great people. And then I was like, I was like throwing, then I let my guard down. I'm like, let's let's hang out. Maybe, you know, talk about life. Maybe some things in common. And then I realized...
Andrew is a cool guy. Andrew is the guy, they always say it's the quiet ones you gotta watch. But Andrew, I thought that but then I realized he's the coolest guy. He's a fun loving guy. Tristan, I always call him the closer. Tristan's a closer. He goes out, he talks to people, he lets you know exactly what's on his mind.
little bit about the two okay this is improv no scripted this is not fake news this is not you know no teleprompters here this is me talking to you talking to you David and everybody whoever's watching the vlog you know listen great guys they're really awesome and if you ever get a chance ask Tristan about how how he can flip over fences I'm gonna leave it at that is is
the fronk you know yeah it's true you don't worry about the snakes spiders anything you know it's the fronk that's what they say you know Chang o'clock Chang o'clock fellas anyway how you feeling I'm very good my knee is grazed actually you could see my hand is grazed because I did the worst thing in the world yesterday what I actually did Dave is broke his wrist yeah yeah no I almost
I wasn't even that hammered. I jumped over the wall, tripped on a palm tree like a legend, and I broke the spirit temple, the spirit statue, which is very meaningful for anyone with any kind of belief, especially the ties. I fell to the ground and shattered the statue, and I'm mortified. Luckily, the lady of the house knows I'm a stand-up guy, I'm a solid guy, I paid her for the repairs again. I'm a stand-up guy, but I'll fall down.
And once again, I do apologize, I really do. Dana, how did you see the events? Well, I was devastated. Absolutely devastated because I thought that the spirits left us. But didn't you become spiritually enlightened today? Didn't you become, when you met the spirits? You know, but just, I wanted to talk to Tristan and I wanted to make sure that we are on the same page. Honestly. Because, you know, I saw you crawling.
from the accident place and I really worried so much so so you were crawling I will say I will say I didn't try did that next morning you were like did you break yes it was me how much do I owe you I broke it you know I'm a stand-up guy that's that's who I am you know I'm not a good guy but I'm an honest guy so hopefully I told her I said listen if it was Tristan if it was Andrew if it was David I said I know they're stand-up guys if it happened they're gonna say it don't worry about it
it was it is what it is no but I should take care of our own David because I I saw that he did not have a curly head like yeah outside you know for the statue broke I was like ah yeah I walked outside yeah it was me how much do I owe you you know I mean come on but you know I mean but you've got a new statue now is that correct yes I do actually I do have a very nice one it is
Well, it's not as good one as the one we had, but I'm very happy that I have something new. And, you know, with hopefully great, fantastic spirits. That's great!
Not bad. Probably best getting anything in this original place like Spain or Sweden.
Not bad. Not a bad effort.
Tears of Thailand. Only in places where they have pines.
himself the Cobra, Dave Tate. And yeah so North Korea nuclear stuff should we be worried? I think a war is gonna happen sooner or later anyway. I think North Korea has defied international sanctions repeatedly they made it very very clear they don't care about international sanctions. How can you sanction a country that has very little connection or correlation with the outside world anyway? You know what is a sanction? A sanction is just cutting off trade, cutting off banking but they don't trade or bank with any other countries in any place.
So, their only ally is China. China doesn't want the regime to fall because it doesn't want the American military on their doorstep because South Korea is extremely militarized. But it looks like the war is going to happen sooner or later, so it's better for Trump to strike now before they actually have long-range nukes. So I think Trump will be doing the right thing by starting the war now, kicking their asses, getting it over with before they actually have the capability to strike mainland America. The only country that's going to suffer is South Korea. South Korea's going to get fucked up bad. But mainland America won't be damaged. Otherwise what? You keep sanctioning them, you keep trying to negotiate with them and you wait until they have
long range nuclear weapons and then what? No choice. Gotta fight.
with a oozing, my niggas are savage, ruthless, we got 30 to 100 rounds too, all set, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, wreckage on wreckage, got backers on backers.
- It's a bunch of rubbish. - Super rubbish. This is an orange that's green.
It's literally the worst orange possible. It doesn't. It's not even orange.
So, fueled with water.
and water alone
We entered Bangkok.
And you can see Long Live the King.
Leicester footballer.
Ooh.
That means I have to change literally all of my presents that I bought for the family.
I'm riding around in a coupe coupe I take your beat right from you you bitch I'm a doll roof beating her walls loose hey hop in the fall whoo scream I tell that bitch to come come for me come for me old radio
I like it personally Andrew refused to stay in here because of this
instead he's gone somewhere a bit more upmarket I quite like this
if those sheets could speak that's absolutely nothing yeah I don't know how I feel about going back to England to be honest I've had a great time go-karting, pool
At first I was a bit sceptical, didn't get the jabs or anything, they wouldn't allow the jabs, they wouldn't cover the jabs. And it was all last minute. So I thought I was going to be struck down with the fever, but I managed to survive. Manned up somewhat.
McDonald's is different, they serve a lot more chicken.
I didn't order just because, been there, done it, got the costume. It's first class anyway. Find out one day Dave, if you want a lottery. My flight was absolutely an ordeal. Oh really that's a shame. I feel really bad. I'll have to buy you first class next time, won't I?
I definitely find you a first -class medical child. It would be much appreciated. Honestly.
Screaming child. Why do people take babies on elephants? They have no memory of it and it's just traumatic for them. It's true. I actually agree with you. If you take a kid to Thailand, the kids aren't grateful to all shits. They'll be happy in England with an ice cream, they'll be happy in Thailand with an ice cream. My friends are going to look like a fucking world. Stupid. Dump them with your fucking grandparents and they'll fuck off and go to Thailand with all nothing dang causes.
Fuck this shit, bro. I trust you.
Make progress.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Saving the world Dave, I'm busy. Gotcha.
What are you doing, Dave?
Hooking the Euro tunnel. Nice.
Lots of rules to consider when going through Europe.
rules I'll look them up now okay guys actually quite a lot of compulsory stuff to consider when going to Europe driving license tick good and motor vehicle insurance yeah GB sticker for the car
I'm not fucking up my amazing car with a fucking GB sticker. It's got a British number plate on it. I'm not doing it. It says you may be fine if not. Ooh, fine how much? Probably about 50 euro. 50 euro? Wow, that's supposed to be devastating. Next. Alright, okay. A warning triangle must be kept in the boot at all times. My boot can't fit anything else in it. Have you seen a Lamborghini boot?
No, but... Warning, awesome specimen of man coming through. Next.
Um, reflective jackets. We must take some reflective jackets. Why? Um, just in case we have to get out of the car at night. No one misses these guns. Not bringing one of them either. Listen, who came up with these rules? The fucking French. I bet it's all French bullshit. Must have a reflective jacket. Why? Listen, I've been to France four times to fight. Guess how many times I've won? Four. Fuck them. I've beaten their best fighters in the world. What are they going to do about it? Charge me fucking 50 euros. I don't give a shit.
Can't wait till Marine Le Pen takes over and her and Trump start World War III.
Tell them until Le Pen is the leader of France, I don't respect their laws. What are they going to do, surrender at us? Send them a letter. Alright.
I take it we won't be taking a first aid kit either? Absolutely not, under no circumstance. If anything bad happens to you and you require first aid, Dave, you're basically dead. Mm-hmm. Survived Thailand despite many a mosquito bite, which I've yet to get checked out by the way. So if we do swing by a hospital, maybe it's worth... no. OK, well, we need a fire extinguisher. No, we don't. Daylight headlights passing lights? Not really sure what that means.
these fuckers because our cars are right hand drive and their cars are left hand drive they want us to put stickers on our lights so that at night the lights don't get in other people's eyes makes sense the little french eyes oh the little french eyes fuck them they eat so many onions our eyes should be basically bulletproof i'm not changing over i'm not changing over the lights of my beautiful lamborghini or my british aston martin for these fucking frog bastards i'm just
items. That's my intention. I don't know. Worked at Waterloo. Final one, quite important. Breathalyzer. Single-use breathalyzer. No way.
Not only am I going to not have a breathalyzer, I'm going to guarantee be drunk. Kristen, beers. Beer only. I'm not giving the police a tool to incriminate me with it. Yeah, if you want to find me guilty, do it yourself. Bring me a breathalyzer. I'm going to do it myself and prove
This is gonna be fun. This is gonna be fun. Slightly dangerous but Europe road trip.
Aren't you done filming us now? Now you're back in England. Why is he still with us? He's supposed to do a Cribs episode. That's the whole reason he got here in the first place.
Looking forward to seeing the new manor?
Via Europe.
Lads on tour.
It's finally happening.
*music*
What are these kids saying? Rev, rev, rev. It's like fuck off mate. You don't pay the fucking petrol bill. Do you know what I mean? It's like, what the fuck would I rev for you? You've got a fit sister who's 16, maybe. But you're just a little douchebag. I'm not going to sit here as shit.
Toothbrush? No, I don't have a toothbrush. But I do have a walkie -talkie. Me and Tristan bought walkie -talkies. We did not buy high -vis vests, we did not buy triangles, we did not buy one -time breathalyzers, we did not change our headlights over. The French can fuck off. But I did buy a walkie -talkie.
Dave's a worm. So we can cooperate and coordinate over very important facts. Such as that one. I've got phone chargers, I've got a phone. I've got a debit card with tons of money.
of money. So I think our first our first destination is Folkstone because that's where the road is. Lovely place. I don't know is it? So let me put that in. So we're going to try and get to Munich tonight.
No tomorrow morning. It'll be Munich. We'll get to Munich in the morning. We're trying to get to Munich. Germany. Nice. Because Tristan says he knows people in Munich. So we're going to go to Munich and then we have a little itinerary of importance.
things to do nice cultural highlights i imagine some cultural highlights correct because i was supposed to any of our hardcore fans precisely zero watch the first series they'd know that i was supposed to take my aston abroad at the beginning of the first series i need to get
to Romania pronto. Slick tyres in the wet, in the snow and I just fucking trust my driving ability to not kill us. That's the option. But either way I need to leave Friday so we're either going to go in a car that's ready for the drive or not ready for the drive but we're going one way or another. So we'll just see what happens. And I couldn't because of snow and then we bought the beast and then we lost 700 quid in two hours and then it all went wrong. If we had the exits here from Bucharest, we could teleport, would you be comfortable
If we had a second car, I'd be a lot more likely to do it, yeah, but I still think we're not going to be able to make it. But I'd be a lot more likely, yeah, if we had a second car at least. We don't even have a car capable of driving this car.
I'll handle it.
Luton's my city.
- You might go see. - It is, I'll handle it.
Back layer.
- Lay it.
Keeping company.
*thud*
- Yeah.
Have a seat on Dave.
This is nice, isn't it?
Ryan Buuuh!
Original and best.
Finish.
Fuck Christmas
It's the most wonderful time of year.
Only comes once a year.
Happiness.
Thank you.
Snow?
So now is the problem with my entire life right now.
Fucks now.
I'm getting charged 200 quid a day of storage in fucking Romania. I'll probably go over there in the phone that snows.
- It's the fuck's not.
*Bang*
I mean it's mine. I've got the V5 in here. I haven't filled it out yet, but I put it in my name. So you just bought this? Yeah. How much was it? Less than the 10 grand that your wheels would have cost. Money saved. No. Take it back. No. Legit. I can't take it back. What do you think? I bought it from the dealership? Second hand.
I've got my money now, your money.
Romania here we come.
Car's going back. I think he's mad. I think we're down about £700. Because the guy knows we're in no position to haggle. So he said I'll take it back but I had much less than I paid for. Oh well. That's one night out. We've got all we have. No ice cream, no dessert, no need lunch.
I was using Andrew's car and he would have been furious. Plus I've got the AX6 which is nicer.
Death of the beast.
Bloody love the beast. So now instead of the beast we've got a Lamborghini because this is what happens when you make as much money as me. It's just like oops it's been two months, oops I had an extra quarter of a million, oops I bought a car.
dying. That's the general intention. Sounds feasible. Hmm. I wouldn't underestimate our abilities now. So as Brexit's going on, we are leaving England and going into Europe. We're doing the opposite of Brexit. We're doing the opposite of Brexit. If we were in the Aston Martin, I'd mention how we're in a British car, blah, blah, blah, but we're in an Italian car. So really, we're not representing the UK in any
way shape or form but what is there really to represent i mean when i first came to england from america i was expecting like little posh people in like suits and correctly spoken english and it's just fucking pricks isn't it really i mean english people are just dickheads like no no disrespect but you're all fucking morons like americans are stupid but at least americans are
god you're from england that's amazing and they're stupid but at least they're impressed by the fact you're from another country like when you're american in england they're just off then leave you can't stab you like they're just twats english people the worst least friendly that's why at the eurovision no one votes for us if you disagree with me for five seconds let's take some let's use a sample test the eurovision song contest nobody votes for england everyone just thinks
of expertise, Eurovision. Love it. Absolutely love it. And we have not won in many a year. By many a year, of course, I mean 20 years. Our last winner was Katrina and the Waves.
And who can forget this one? Love Shine a Light.
Absolute classic.
Ooh, I might get myself a nice bag of Monster Munch. If you spill a single crumb in this car, you're hitchhiking. Germany. Because you still have to make my fucking Cribs episode, which is the only reason you're coming. Because I paid you your £220. You did, yeah. It's kind of gone. So do you reckon you could sell us the money for the Monster Munch?
You're one crumb in my car day when leaving here. Oh, this should.
Fucking 14 hours to get to Munich This car is gonna be uncomfortable enough as it is. I don't want any fucking mess in my car. I don't want to listen to you Being monster much the entire way
Do you want one?
Definitely the best crisp of all time
I have the utmost respect for people who want to be police officers, but I think if you're a police officer, you're supposed to serve the community. Now, if I'm driving a Lamborghini down the road at the speed limit, you're going to pull me over. Why? Not because you think I'm doing something wrong, but because you want to find something I've done wrong, because you're jealous of the fact that I have a nice fucking car. That's not being a policeman. That's being a cunt.
Now we're cruising. Bon fiends, Aston.
You're my Bond girl Dave. Come come Mr. Bond. Don't come. Yeah. Don't say that again. Nah, it's done.
But a bitter kiss will bring him to his knees You'll never know how I watched you from the shadows as a child
You'll never know how it feels to be the one who's left behind
The cheers, the cheers are proud. But now my time has come. And time, time is not on your side.
I would fuck Tina Turner so hard because she would sing that note. I would sing that 80. Don't care. She did. I'd still do it. She could still hit the note.
no spare bulk kit unlikely beam adapters no I've his best no GB plates no alco testers no we may have one of those triangle spare bulk kit beam adapters hi-vis vest GB plates alco testers
Fuck 'em, arrest me.
Do you have your safety triangle days? I do actually. Catching the train. First class, second class? Aston Martin class. That's how.
A wide customer coming for you.
When she said "oh stop here" I'm gonna figure it out. I like your comment. Thank you. What is that?
What? The camera?
Euro tunnel underground and ting I'm now the new official cameraman the Hateful Take series
Dave can you uh, give me a favor mate?
Can you just quickly say redundant for me? Redundant? Correct, you are now redundant. You're obviously no longer needed. Because I can film, can't I? Well, you're doing a cracking job, yeah, but the trouble is we're actually going to France. So if I made redundant now, I'm kind of stuck in France.
Work, employment, law. Good luck.
After being threatened with redundancy and the prospect of staying in France, I had to get out of the car and prove my worth.
So I started shooting this.
Yeah.
That was the mistake.
Then the Tates made a friend, a man in an orange shirt and cap.
He also had a car so I'm talking about cars and wheels and turbos and stuff typical lads and
Keep yourself hydrated? Yeah, every time I think I have enough of this I seem to end up with more. I bloody love some. Any? Any or two? Good luck. Come here. Okay.
Despite the massive turbos and horse turbo power
The boys had to
tow their cars out comically slow.
from the Euro Tunnel.
*music*
Oh, France is freezing!
Leave it to France!
Oh, whatever Dave, France is shit. I dunno, getting bread.
Do I look like I'm in the mood for bread? Nah, does make me very tired, white bread.
Yes, there's a split in the road coming up. Go left. Get up with me and stop driving slow. I'm the car behind you. Stay there.
I think I'm done driving. I'm finally done driving so I can start crashing.
Take our first sip of booze. Okay, I'm tired. We've been drinking for two hours. We've been drinking for way too long. The drinking is finished. No. We've finished our 20 drinks. Absolutely. Now it's time to start boozing.
Finally, I've been driving all my adult life. Now we're cruising. Let me tell you something. We're done drinking here. We started losing. Now we're fucking losing. Now we're fucking losing.
Let's go cruising!
And I've got
.
Lads on tour.
M&M's on tour. This is Belgium service station. Look at the M&M's. Andrew was happy to be rid of France.
So we made it through France. Did not get stopped. Made it through France. Without a high-bitch jacket, without a precoliser, without a fucking triangle, without any of their shit.
And that's French. French. Yeah. Consuming a meat product. Vegetarians unaware that the key to driving across continents of supercars is to consume dead animals. If you can talk to me as many sausages as possible. Make sure I'm constantly supercharged.
I fall asleep or crash, the dead animals do eat. Their souls are vigorating me.
The aim is to get to Munich by sunrise. If you can tear it through France, tear it through Belgium, tear it through most of Germany, by sunrise I would have been about 30 years.
35 hours without sleep. Which means I can take a two hour nap, which is more than enough for a man of bicaliber. Then we can go out and get fucking pissed like champions. Eat more meat, two more dead animals for power.
Then push forward. Austria, Hungary, Romania. That's the plan.
How many dead animals do you think you will consume in the entire road trip? Would you like to put a ballpark figure on it? That's a very good question. Not an exact number. What I do know is that at the convenience stores of the world, I prepared by slaughtering millions of animals, but they have nice little packets for me.
I can't. Fuck you. I heard the chicken schnitzel is to die for in Germany. Not many things are worth dying for, Dave, especially not chicken schnitzel.
Still, I'm looking forward to a schnitzel.
Of all the countries in the world that could fuck off,
Like Belgium can fuck off. Like if Donald Trump was mad at you, like we got a text one day, Trump's pissed, he wants to talk to you today. You'd be like fuck, the leader of America wants to talk to me, I pissed him off. Or if the leader of Brussels texts you, he said we need to talk, you'd be like do we though, I'm busy. What's his, who even is he? Do you know his name? I don't know his name.
It might be a fucking cow or a windmill or something weird, something liberal. Oh, the windmill's in charge of us. The wind tells us what to do. Fuck you. Fuck Belgium. If the Prime Minister of Belgium ever gets a beef with me and Whatsapps me and says, Hey, Big Daddy, do you need to talk? I tell him to fuck himself. I tell him about the time I drove through this country above the speed limit with none of the fucking law-abiding preparation bullshit I was supposed to have and ate loads of fucking
out the fucking window. Fuck Belgium. What did Belgium do? Nothing. What's Belgium got chocolate? Well, it's chocolate's shit anyway. And Belgian chocolate's no better than any other chocolate. Fuck Belgium. Couple of nice beers, I believe. That's a strong point, isn't it? Good beer. Beers? Beer sucks anyway. Anyone who pretends alcohol tastes good is to dig. Anyone who pretends whiskey, even Tristan does this.
whiskey that whiskey it's all disgusting this wine that wine is all horrible none of it tastes good orange juice tastes good alcohol doesn't taste good none of it ever the only reason to drink alcohol is to get fucking pissed if you're drinking beer going oh i like this beer i don't like that beer oh this beer is slightly better than that beer you're just a freak get a bottle of vodka down as quickly as you can get intoxicated that's the end goal get it over it and then you have a fucking taste and
I'm not even pretending otherwise. Oh, I actually don't mind rum and coke. Fuck off. Yes you do. If rum and coke didn't make you drunk, would you drink rum and coke? No, never. You drink coke. It's all you fucking drink. I'm glad you got a list of top ten beers I want to try in Belgium.
You know what I'm gonna try anymore? I'm driving straight through to Munich. There's a few places I wanted to stop on this trip. I decided we can skip all of France.
We'd skip all the pedal to it.
through to the middle of the night into Germany, you can burn through most of Germany and get to Munich. That was the intention. That's what we're going to do. That's what we're going to do. That's what we're going to be left in the middle of the fucking night. Look, there's no one else in the road but us. There's nothing you're going to see here.
Don't be fooled into thinking that's just some 99 Pierre Freshman. Wouldn't dream of it. That's 100 % certification. I'm a official G. Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Doggy Dog. Snoop Dog's doing a cooking show. Would you ever consider doing a cooking show?
Potatoes have been boiled.
I've never done it with a machine. Yeah, well it's easy. So how do you do it with the... Yeah, we in the hood. We like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just peel the potatoes. You can peel that one with your fingers or a knife. Peel it.
Like peel it back? No, this one needs to be peeled. Like this?
Just take the peels off.
Peel. Like making fresh fries. The skin. The skin.
We make french fries, that skin ain't good. No, no, yo, just the skin, just the skin, look.
this just peel the skin off oh you want me to take the skizz in off of it my bad. yeah the skizz in.
Do you mind your input? Yeah, sure, I'll be my own. No, I'm gonna fly. You need to know your name. I'm gonna stick it up. No shit. I need to know shit.
Your life. People who don't need to know things. Both of them don't know things. No lies in their own sight. You find out that. You don't need to know how to stick.
They don't really know how. Rich kids, they don't need to know how to hold their job down. So they don't know how. They don't know how much was it. They don't need it. Their parents are like, "Hot chips." They don't need to be able to help people have a personality. So they ain't got one. But if you sit there at dinner table, and literally just go, "Yeah, yeah, I watched the Kardashians, yeah, yeah." And the guy still wasn't a banger. Who took so good? No matter what the fuck she talks about.
Why does she be lorny dick? Why does she be wit? Why does she be bamboy? Why does she be funny? Why does she be... What's nice? She'll do the fucking thing.
After a terribly uncomfortable night in the Lamborghini, we finally made it through Belgium and into Germany.
And Andrew will be happy because it turns out the leader of Germany is also a windmill.
There she blows.
No time to sleep. I've got to ride, ride like the wind, to be free again.
And I've got such a long way to go, to make it to the border of Mexico. So I ride like the wind, ride like the wind.
Stop fucking racing! What's fucking wrong with you? I'm going 170 kilometers an hour and you're still fucking pulling away. We've got fucking 20 hours to drive. Slow the fuck down.
What's wrong with this guy?
Are you switching?
I don't know. The police control sent their fucking 5 litre fucking beamer, which is there, as you can see, over to chase us and catch us. And he just came up to me and demanded my passport. Really? Don't know why. It's because I'm too sexy. I'd like to find out. Too sexy for the Germans? Yeah, him and his buddy are in the car now making phone calls.
I don't know what's going on. - Blimey.
Maybe it's the ladybird. - It might be the bug. I think the bug might be, 'cause he saw it, obviously he knows I'm a certified G. - Uh-huh, you could be worried.
I don't think there's many certified Gs left in Germany. So, maybe you've won over the quota.
Maybe I broke the speed limit or something. I don't think there were speed limits. So I don't know, but it seems... -Amost? -Yeah. So, uh, film from a distance, please.
of glitch in the system or something. Supposedly I was seeing a motorway camera is undertaking another car at 290 kilometers an hour. That's nonsense. I've never been there. It's crazy. And then he said to me, I need your license, your passport and registration for the car. And I gave him. And he went back to his car and then he said, you've given me an English registration, a Romanian license and an American passport. I said, yes. He goes, where are you from? I said, well, I guess I'm a little bit from all of them. He said, well, you've made this very difficult.
where do I send your fine? I said, you could send it to America, obviously with no intention of ever paying it. Then he looked at me and said, I don't think you're going to pay it, please don't be an asshole anymore. I gave you my things, and that was it. Obviously I'm not going to stop an asshole. Yeah, I was going to say, he really doesn't know who he's speaking to, does he? I mean, he should've been fine. What have we got planned for today? Any nice cultural activities?
- Gentleman. - Fantastic. - He set the standard of inheritance in many ways. So, I thought he had it. - General, I've set the standard of... - You keep thinking of famous Austrians. Let's see if you can work it out. I'll get a coffee.
- Very bizarre. Famous Austrians. - Adolf. Army.
- It's about it, isn't it?
- It's my eye. It was in the apple of my eye. - It was in the fucking mountain before, or what? - The apple of my eye. It's the apple, isn't it? - Don't talk to me anymore, Dave. - Serious. I've had up to here. I've been in the car with you two fucking many hours. I've had up to here. Stop talking. No more talking.
- It's a big fun though, isn't it?
*music*
This is more like it boys. A bit of culture. Nice cafe roadside. Austria. He came here for one reason and one reason only. Yeah, why is that? He's the type of Joseph Fritzel. You know who Joseph Fritzel is? Joseph Fritzel. He's like the world champion at keeping your kids home safe. He is. He's like... The opposite of the McCanns.
parenting. Now some people seem to believe he went a little bit too far. That's the bailout. What he did was he locked his daughter in a dungeon for 25 years because she didn't do as he said and raped her and had six or seven kids or something. Now I'm not saying that every parent should do that. Everyone has their own methods. But the point is is that he was important because he allowed us... It's like political parties. You have the communists who are two left-wing, you have the Nazis who are two right-wing. You need to know the two extremes so you can find somewhere nicely in the middle. And Joseph was
was one of the extremes for us. Like, obviously the McCann's are completely awful at keeping their daughter at home. Joseph seems to be far too good at keeping his daughter at home. The best who's ever been. The best who's ever been. So by meeting somewhere in the middle, you get to look and say, am I too much like the McCann's? Am I too much like Joseph? And you get to have a nice happy medium where your child doesn't go missing and doesn't end up basement raped for 25 years. So he's like, I think in terms of parenting, he's
He lived here, yeah, in this little town. Doesn't feel very fritzily, does it? Doesn't feel very fritzily, but maybe if we built ourselves a dungeon, we start to get the spirit a bit.
That's not bad idea.
Only downside, no daughters yet. He's basically... Kate and Jerry's McCann's... Arch-an... Like, if there was, like, a comic book, they'd be enemies. Marvel. If Madeline McCann is anywhere,
it's in his basement that's how good he was at keeping girls oh that's a that's a cultural stop yeah done where else are you gonna stop in europe berlin see the cathedrals yeah the one else you made it fritzel town are we going to the house torn down this hair down and tore it down filled the basement with cement tore it down
included the extension. A lot of work went into that. The value of that door alone.
Can't put advice on a kid's safety can you? Well you know what? It's one of those things. He told her stop going out, stop dating boys, start doing as you're told. She didn't listen and she didn't have any dungeon. These things happen sometimes. You've got to do as you're told. How did he get caught? He got caught because one of his bastard inbred offspring was sick and about to die and his daughter also mother of his child said please let's take the
hospital and he didn't want to and he eventually reluctantly agreed and people at the hospital said there's no record of this kid being born and has loads of weird fuck-ups and his skin isn't right and there's also never been his son mike what the fuck's going on yeah and then they raided the house basically it's his good nature to let him down he was too nice a guy it's always the good guys always the good guys it's like the story of my life you know you're just too nice and everyone
Thank you.
and it's like a small one but
Thank you.
100 euros I am what I am.
A family man.
♪ ♪
*music*