Transcript
Since I conquered Earth,
became the most Googled man on the planet.
Undeniably
an influence for the youth, a force of nature, a cultural icon,
some could say.
I kind of wonder what everyone else has done with their lives.
It's not very often I indulge in dumb shit,
I'd say probably two or three times a year do I bother wasting a precious second of my time.
I was sitting around with my brother and we were talking about how everyone else we went to school with,
Fucked up.
And they fucked up because they're not where I am. And if you did less well than I have done, then you are a fucking failure.
And nobody's done as well as me because I'm the top G.
Sorry, that's my friend's Ferrari.
I just had a business meeting. You're going to have to get over it. So
Thank you.
We sat there and thought, well, let's think of all the people whose names we can remember from school.
I wonder if any of them are up to anything cool. Like, I'm sure some of them are successful with their 150 grand a year job in the city, slaving away like an ant on the tube.
back and forth.
barely paying off the mortgage to their overpriced London apartment.
But let's find out. So we started looking people up on Instagram, because Instagram's a fantastic way to see if somebody's actually living a good life.
I don't have Instagram anymore, but I don't need it because everyone knows I'm top G.
So we start typing in people's names into Instagram and I realized something.
None of them have Instagram.
Nobody has Instagram my age. I'm 35.
And the reason I have Instagram is because they haven't got anything to show off. Instagram is for show offs, right?
Why would you be on Instagram without anything cool to show?
So everyone my age completely fucked up and wasted their lives because they don't have Instagram pages to brag about. They haven't got a blue tick. They haven't got a baguette. They haven't got mansions. They haven't got nothing. So where are they going to go? Put up what? Their dog? Nobody cares. Shut up.
Loser.
So basically I've surpassed everybody I've ever known ever.
I state that humbly.
Another thing I noticed when I started looking up the checks,
that I remember from school, the hot ones,
None of them have Instagram.
Because they're all old now.
Flabby.
It will be now.
You know?
Like...
If Instagram was around when I was young, there would have been a bunch of hoties, but none of them are hot anymore. So none of them have Instagram pages.
So it's interesting. I don't know what my exact point is, but there's this strange age. I think mine's the exact age where people like 33
Two to three.
32 up.
Unless they have a good life, they don't have Insta. Anyone below 30 basically has it.
regardless of how crap their life is.
because they use it to talk to each other, et cetera. But at a certain age, at my age bracket, 32 to 35 to 38, whatever,
You can go without it if you don't have anything to show off.
I did find one girl who had it who I went to school with, and she was actually still quite attractive. She managed to hold herself together.
The call to prayer.
Isn't that beautiful?
It's a sign from the heavens, everything I say is true.
also means I have some praying to do.
because I've converted to Muslim now, converted to Islam. So a lot of people out there who say I don't take it seriously, I find that quite offensive.
I take it very seriously.
I think God is the most serious thing on the planet. And just because I live a life
in which
I have all of Earth's worldly treasures does not mean
that I neglect my spirituality because I understand how important spirituality is. Hedonism and all the world's earthly pressures are a black hole. You cannot fill it.
You must feel happy deep inside of yourself.
And social media, because I'm gonna tie these two together because I'm so clever,
even though that was totally unprompted,
Social media is fantastic at producing envy and FOMO and making people unhappy with themselves and what they actually have.
So unless you have a fantastic life to combat that, I understand why people don't have social media at all. Why would somebody I went to school with want to see me?
surpassed him in every single possible human metric.
It's just gonna make them depressed and miserable, so it's better not to have Instagram at all, right? But maybe if they found God, they could be happy. Maybe if they found God,
They could open an Instagram account, realize they're a fuck up loser brokey,
"Look at me.
and not hate themselves. Without God, I'm sure it's impossible.
Yeah.