Transcript
- I'm sat here.
in the style of a terrorist video to explain our series
The Hateful Tate.
Don't fear, nobody is going to be beheaded, but there's definitely going to be someone big -headed. Listen, I'm a G, this is what I do. Money just disappears from my hands. I get money, money disappears. That's how I fucking work, so my life's amazing. I'd agree to sacrifice my Mary Margate life after a 10 -minute Skype call with the brother of the world kickboxing champion, Andrew Tate. Fact. I left my life behind for Luton. Fact. For what I thought was going to be an artistic...
- Thank you.
expression of sport and fighting but what in reality is probably the most pointless most expensive thing ever made for the internet fact even right now hot hot hot women inbox
*MUHING*
Keep watching.
Just a minute or so to go now until we say hello to 2016.
Ah, look at them. Happy to see the start of 2016.
What idiots. 2016 has been the greatest year in terms of loss, death and misery.
Music fans have lost Bowie and Prince,
Poets lost Leonard Cohen.
Potter fans have lost Snape.
Slightly racial and outdated comedy fans lost Manuel. Please, please try to understand before one of us dies. Plastic surgery fans lost Pete Burns.
And of course, Sillip Bang lost Barry Scott.
Europe lost the UK
And America...
Well...
It lost its mind.
However, it did gain in return
On an impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall.
Ah, 2016. What could possibly make it worse? How about a web series about a man despised by the press,
arrogant, rich,
and makes his living from kicking people in the head
Hmm.
-Good shot there! -Good shot there! Oh! -Beautiful shot there, I told you! -Beautiful! -I told you, this kid is dangerous!
With that in mind I'm here in lovely Luton for what his brother Tristan promises will be a creative trip around Europe, all expenses paid. Can't wait to meet the Cobra.
*clap*
*gunshot*
Mr. Tate, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you man, how you doing? Yeah good, here for the filming.
Alright, okay. And I spoke to Tristan. He said we're doing an interview? He said we have to do an interview or something.
Not quite an interview, a bit more than that.
as you can... got a whole case of stuff there well okay oh yeah I was told about an interview sorry I'm watching Holmes under the hammer I was told about an interview I don't know what else we're going to be filming today I've got things to do today so I don't know what else you intend on oh Tristan kind of said
two months side by side with you. No, okay, yeah, there must have been a mistake because we talked about this
And the up run to the fight like training and that kind of thing. Yeah after the fight I just fought at the weekend. So fights done now. How was the fight?
I got poked in the eye unfortunately in the first round I couldn't really see so it wasn't really much of a fight. I just got kicked off so... That's over so the whole training, the whole idea of the thing we were going to put together was about training and the upper run to the fight and all that but that's done so... We could do an interview on the fight but that's pretty much it.
Ah, I kind of told everyone I'm going to be away for two months with you.
Yeah.
Okay, let me call Tristan. Where are you from? Margate.
Margot. Seaside town, lovely.
- Okay, well I don't think you can come for two months with us, because who's going to pay? Are you paying for yourself? Or? - Well, he actually said you'd kind of cover me.
Alright, let me call Tristan. I mean I don't mind doing an interview about the fight. We were going to do something in the up run like at the gym and that kind of thing. But a lot of the stuff I get up to outside of the ring aren't things that we can really easily put on camera or want on camera. I'm pretty incognito. Has he paid you to come up has he? He's going to reimburse me yeah. I've got a bit of money, I've got like 20 quid.
What's your name? Dave. Dave is here. Dave is saying... Yeah, the camera guy. Yeah, we were supposed to do two months in the up run to the fight and he's saying that he's intending on filming us for the next two months post fight.
That's not what you told me.
I'll call you back. I'll call you back.
There's no way we're doing two months outside of fighting unless there's some serious editorial power on my back. Pretty good at editing. Pretty good at editing. No, not how good you're at editing. I need to make sure. Okay, in your mind, how do you see this project happening? Kind of just following you around, having free drinks and free coffees and sort of enjoying filmmaking. Okay. Becoming one of the lads, I imagine.
gets put in the video? Do I get to see what goes out before it goes out? How often are these videos going to appear? Like I'm going to need some kind of control over what's actually being shown. Or are you just going to randomly just throw my life out? It's going to randomly throw life out there. But you can have a bit of editorial control. You can choose your songs. I can choose my songs.
Thank you.
So there's no interview about the fight? Well, not much of a fight was it? No it wasn't, I got poked in the eye I guess. Okay, um, Tristan's here to get me. You literally have a camera in my face. Two months.
So you're going to have to tell me what you want to film. And also I've got a lot of shit to do as well. I don't know how often you want me playing up the camera or whatever. I've got things to do. So you might be very boring two months. If it's just me working and doing what I normally do outside the ring, which is basically just work, I don't know what you're going to be looking to film, to be honest with you. I'm sure we can have some fun. Okay.
I think you need to speak to Tristan about this, because maybe Tristan has a lot more... maybe he'll be a lot more fun than I am. Maybe Tristan will talk a lot more and whatever. So, you need to talk to Tristan. Tristan's a nice guy, really nice guy. Yeah, you can make a show about him because I've got things to do. I'm leaving the country soon and I've got some really important stuff to wrap up.
Like I said, I've got my passport.
Tristan's here, so I'm not entirely sure on this whole project in the first place, to be honest with you. I want you to tell me exactly what you're going to want to film and what you're going to want to see.
Is that Tristan's car?
Tristan! Steve, my man, how you doing? Not bad, mate. How are you? Yeah, no, all good, all good.
Fantastic motor. Yeah, thank you very much. Bloody good to see you man. One of many, good to see you too. Oh, jump in. Don't think Andrew's quite up to date with what we're doing. Why are we filming outside of the fight? Because I, you did your typical thing where I explained something to you in depth while you were staring at your phone and you look up and went uh huh uh huh yeah yeah whatever whatever. I guess. Because I explained to you what he was doing. No, we said in the up run to the fight. He didn't have time in the up run to the fight, he had other projects on. You got the next eight weeks off Dave? Absolutely.
There we go. Clived the schedule. So it's now to give you-- because all the people who've seen-- they've seen uprun to the fight. So you training in the gym, you punching a punch bag, that's boring. I think our lives are a bit more interesting. It'll give people a bit more of an insight. So he said that you do it. I said to you, are you happy to have this done? And you said yes. You didn't say you were going to be at the start of the fight. I did. I said it. Well, how do I know what's going to come across in the edits? So how often are you going to edit these up? Do I get to choose what's said, et cetera, et cetera? I don't even-- not really.
creative guy, I don't know anything. What are you thinking of doing? Kind of just maybe three a week. Just lads on tour. Yeah, it's not going to be lads on tour though. I've got serious business projects I'm running. I'm involved in some very serious things and I want to make sure that
you know what's coming across on camera is uh a things i'm happy to show and b he doesn't do anything illegal it's fine film anything dave he he told me it's fine he told me it's okay he said it's all right so just just follow us around get the camera out when you want i want to see every edit before it goes out oh don't know if that's going to be all right if you agree that you can't make changes no i want to see every edit before it goes out i want to make it very
piss and just trying to make me look like a cunt because that's the last too easily done that's the last thing i need i want to see every edit before it goes out and also a lot of the things that are about to be happening aren't going to make sense to anybody you're coming when there's projects halfway through we've i've got a an iphone app which is launching which i need to discuss which isn't going to make any sense to anybody and i'm it's time to explain
what he films, what he doesn't film. Yeah, but we're leaving. We have to leave the country. His job to make it make sense. Do you have a passport, Dave? Absolutely. There we go. We have to leave the country. Done.
Fantastic. If I see one episode I don't like, it ends. If I see one episode I don't like, it all finishes. That's the deal.
Is it the deal, though? That's not the deal that we agreed.
Who's paying for him?
Who cares?
Extra flight, extra seat in the car. So we were paying for it? Well I guess so.
Relax, then. Relax. You thought it was a good idea in the upruns of the fight. What's the difference now? Less pad work, more everything else. Whatever.
A bit misty out, innit? Oh dear. You don't have to do a good start.
Two months following in, everything.
Angry kicker
What could possibly go wrong? Stay tuned to find out!
Bye.
*Buff*
.
.
- So, a brief recap. I'm here in Luton.
a place with a very misty sky
So dull, even the pigeons are bored. Filming a kickboxer by invitation
from his brother. I'm getting along with one of them quite well.
One of them
not not bad mate how are you yeah no all good all good fantastic motor yeah thank you very much bloody good to see you man one of many good to see you too oh don't think andrew's quite up to date with what we're doing quite a long train journey you're about to get some lunch
Give him somewhere to fucking sleep. We waste more money on less productive things. If we're going to be paying for this, I want to have editorial control over how it's going to look. You can't have edit. You don't even know how to edit. Neither do I. Yeah, but if we're going to pay for it, I want it to look at least a certain way. No, no, no. Because he's interested in you. It's him talking about his journey with you. This isn't a vanity project of him filming you, walking around, doing everything you do. The documentary is about him following... Yeah, but if I come across as a dick, why the fuck am I paying for his food?
Come across as a dick anyway. It's supposed to be a realistic project of what you actually do and what you're actually like. So, we can't let him starve. I'll cover his costs. Let's see how it comes across. You came across as a dick when you were on Big Brother. You come across as a dick in your Facebook status. You come across as a dick in everything you post. No change. Doesn't matter. Like I said, none of this is going to make any sense to anybody.
But for the last month I've been in England because I was training for this fight.
I was here and England is one of the most boring places in the world. There's nothing to do. If you ask people about their life in England, all they do is go to work and go to sleep. That's all everyone does work sleep work sleep. So I Was here for a month and I was bored And I decided to buy a car so I bought a new car and I wish I didn't just cause it me loads of problems. I need to get to Romania
I've got a lot going on over there. I've got this problem with the Romanian customs. Every day I'm not in there, it's costing me 200 quid. They're fining me every single day. That's one problem. And two, I need to put the car somewhere and that's one of the only places I own some property I can put the car in and keep it safe. It's just another headache, another headache, another nightmare. And then I've got a two day drive to get there when I finally get the car sorted.
So we're going over to Romania in an Aston Martin.
you it's gonna be very double oh seven yes very double oh seven correct yeah I might fly can't be bothered he might fly we're not entirely sure but yeah I've got to get my Aston Martin to Romania yeah so I mean there's no way you're gonna last two months I don't believe he'll make it no way so basically he's bought an Aston Martin because he was bored yeah he didn't I don't know it was still sunny at the time he wanted something that was convertible this one doesn't come down reminded
Thank you.
three days of it
We're at a hostel.
It was horrific.
I survived and I'm pretty sure I could survive this. Pretty sure. Anyway, he strutted into Aston Martin.
to collect is Romania Ready.
Bond vehicle.
The best thing that happens to most people in December is they may get a Lynx Africa gift set and eat some half decent food. He's just bought himself an Aston Martin.
Aston Martin. Style.
The hell did you open this one?
Well this is just class. Yeah the problem is that it's not my car. My car isn't ready so they've given me another one.
Discuss on that in a second. This is a courtesy Aston Martin. Courtesy Aston Martin because my Aston Martin, they haven't finished the work they need to do. Which is a big big problem because as I said, I need to get to Romania pronto.
I mean as well about this whole thing I'm not gonna be telling you everything you want about my entire life so something I need to collect
it's got track tires on it slick tires in the wet in the snow and I just fucking trust my driving ability to not kill us that's that's the option but either way I need to leave Friday so we're gonna go in a car that's ready for the drive or not ready for the drive but we're going one way or another so just see what happens
Is it cold in Romania? Yes, Dave. It's cold in Romania. It's cold in Romania right now. It's mountainous. Where we have to drive. We've got to go to the capital to try and get this package and then we've got to take that package to the mountains as well. We've got to drive through mountains to get there. With the package. With the package, yeah. So it's not just that it's cold. It's also mountainy, hilly. The roads are very windy. There's a lot of sharp drops and sharp cliffs. If I fuck up.
It's going to be a big problem. So I'm pissed off basically. So there you go. Nice happy episode for you Dave. Andrew's annoyed.
It's not the best view is it but it is a Hilton.
It is a Hilton.
It's me.
Thank you.
Just an average size TV?
Thank you.
Tell me shit.
Yeah, so, um...
Life on the roads can be difficult sometimes. What did me and Tristan get up to?
Oh, I don't know. You tell me.
Absolute lads.
BMW lads
Look at that. Just a few vids.
-
Just a unit of one split left and one.
Thank you.
Yeah.
So as you can probably see, life is a
Life's good in the Hilton, really.
Thank you.
One slight issue, can't really empty my water.
I had a shower.
A bit of belly fluff there. I had a shower, didn't I?
Is it that? Is that?
See you.
Too technical, too many perks.
So as you can say, I'm in my gym gear.
Probably gonna do some bench pressing.
Sign up.
Cross trainer.
10 minutes on the cross train and then breakfast.
see if Andy wants to go and get some breakfast
Call him Andy now, I think he's slowly warming to me.
There's no doubt about that.
There's no doubt about that.
Yeah, I'll go knock on this door, wake him up.
Andrew?
Andy?
No sign of Andy T.
*Tonk*
you
Excuse me. Do you know if 120's checked out? Yes. Yes? Yes. It's checked?
- Mmh.
-
-
- Okay.
No. What?
Okay thank you, I meant to meet my friend. Sorry I don't speak English. Okay.
I spoke pretty good English.
and we can see it in the back of the building.
He's left me.
He's left me at the Hilton.
I don't think he's run away.
I just think he doesn't quite get that this is supposed to be 24 hours a day all access. So now we're tracking him down, he's left. Yeah, I know, I checked him on Find-A-Friend and it looks like he's at my gym or near to my gym. So I'll take you down there, we'll look for his car, sticks out like a sore thumb. And yeah, I'll call him when I'm there and then I'll tell him to open the door wherever he is. The flaws of having an Aston Martin, eh? Exactly, too easy to find in Luton, there's not many of them around.
I mean, you can't hide from me for long, can he? And I know this place, I know exactly where he's staying. Let's go.
Doesn't work.
Alright, he's coming downstairs. Should I hide behind you? Nah, no. That's just okay. He's gonna be happy to see me, I'm sure. Probably just a misunderstanding.
Yeah, probably.
Oh god, who's left me? Oh no.
Hey man, kind of left me at the hotel there. Misunderstanding?
Yeah, something like that. Misunderstanding. Thank God for the Aston, I've always wouldn't have found you. You left your find of friend on.
So what's this place? You have too many questions. Too many questions.
*outro music*
We actually have a problem. We actually have a problem. We actually have a problem. Tell me.
Thomas. I've been speaking to Sebastian. Yeah.
His Range Rover doesn't move in the snow in Romania. And I spoke to Aspen guys, they said they can't just put
winter tires
onto the car you have to have special alloys, special rims which are
built for the winter tires that sink with the dust. So I have to buy four new wheels for 10 grand.
to get into tires. - It's not worth thinking, right?
Well then there's no other way where you get there. In summer tires there's 0% chance of making it alive.
-
So, we've got the X6 nearby in Romania. Move up.
Even, yeah, okay we've got a car over there that's capable but even then
I'm not driving, we're not flying to Romania getting that car driving back here then going back, that's bullshit. Plus on top of that even, I don't know, even with a support car if we're going to be able to get it there. It's going to slide or it's going to slip or something. Yeah but if we have the X6...
when we get stuck in the snow,
we just find somewhere to leave it, park it
get in the x6 go to a hotel shut out till they sold the roads
i don't fancy dying i didn't really plan on dying in the next two months
No, you're not the only one, Dave. Are you going to bring him everywhere? Next time you say you're not with him- I'm not bringing him. I'm not bringing him. You left him at the hotel. He called me this morning. He was knocking on your room.
I had to drive in and pick him up and come find you. Why did you leave and not tell him?
Yeah Andrew, did you leave?
I'm not bringing him anywhere. It's not me.
This is a project you agreed to. If we're gonna do this project, I want some genuine gain out of it. Like, I'm gonna start telling you, you need to start like, do a montage of me looking awesome in my car or some shit. Uh-huh, you got to.
Yeah, something egotistical. Or put like a big banner across the top like, any hot women who watch this who want to take part.
Inbox Andrew something good something good. How about wanna wanna take part?
Don't, Dave? - Dave? No!
Something good has to come from this, otherwise it's a waste of time. Anyway. How do we get in the car? To Romania. Two choices, three choices. We try to do the driving summer tires, which is suicide.
We dropped 10 grand on winter wheels, probably still. Which is stupid. Which probably still gets stuck.
or we have to live here.
There's no other option. Even with a second car or a support car or whatever,
There's no way we can get it all day down.
- You know it?
So I don't believe you
I don't believe it. If we had the X6, would you be comfortable with the drive? Yes or no?
If we had the exits here from Booker Estes, we could teleport, would you be comfortable to make the drive?
If we had a second car, I'd be a lot more likely to do it, yeah, but I still think we're not going to be able to make it. But I'd be a lot more likely, yeah, if we had a second car at least. We don't even have a car capable of driving this. I'll handle it.
I'll handle it
Luton's my city.
- It's one receipt. - It is, I'll handle it.
Back later.
Thanks.
Keeping company.
*thud*
you
Have a seat on Dave.
*thud*
This is nice isn't it?
Yeah, it was nice.
You were alone last night or...?
in the company of some
Femme Fatales. - Maybe I'll wear makeup, Dave. Maybe it's a big secret.
That would explain why you're so hostile about the documentary. Yeah, perhaps. Yeah, perhaps we're going to keep it all under wraps.
Ah.
-
Yes.
Don't mind if I...
Crack a cold one, do you? Iron brew. Didn't have you down as an iron brew, man.
Belfort.
Thanks.
I want a big banner across this episode. I want a big banner saying any
Women
who, Dink Hander's amazing,
wanna free life and just come along for the ride, inbox him now. But they gotta be hot. Make it something just like, fit bitches apply here. Put an email address.
Edit it up.
Don't just make this... Bitches apply here. Yeah, but in a more
you know, likeable way.
beautiful young ladies apply here or something.
And we need like a montage of like,
Aston, you do like some slow shots on the outside and
fucking let everyone know how much it costs, and I'd look cool, and you'll put some gangster music over it or some shit. It's not just gonna be,
Just...
It's gotta be something good.
Yeah.
Yeah, we can do that. We can make you look cool.
Nice.
and not a dick.
Yes.
- That is an absolute must. Even in one of these,
If I don't start seeing
advertisements
for beautiful women in this thing, then...
There's no point doing it.
*outro music*
Right. Can you edit that on? Well, yeah, I'm sure, we've got two months.
Uh, together.
sort of like this. So I can do a montage
- Make you look...
Cool.
At one point in two months, I'm gonna look a little bit cool.
Yeah.
Do?
Oh.
Not a deal. Every single episode I need to look cool.
And you got a...
Ah, forget it.
What are we watching?
- I've got a place in this song, I think.
Jeremy Kyle's finished, so I'm a little bit upset.
- Thank you.
It's really Kyle's my favorite show ever.
Yeah, it's not going to be too difficult to make you look cool.
Jeremy Kyle looks cool
Yes.
But anyway, there's a serious reason for this because...
I'm launching an app, the application which we haven't discussed yet
I don't want to give the entire idea away, and it is patented, but we've got a team in India which would make an iPhone app, and the app is basically, this is a very basic explanation. If a girl has Snapchat,
and she's a pretty girl.
and she updates her story, X amount of people look.
Yeah? So people look at the story and check them out and see what they're doing, whatever. It's a very similar concept. You have a story, you upload things to your story, and you get paid per number of views. So if you're an attractive girl and you're just doing your normal snaps and da da da da, and people are checking them out,
when they're watching your snaps there's some advertisement in the bottom and you're going to get paid. So if you're a hot girl and you do a snapchat and a thousand people check it out,
You're gonna get money direct to your bank. So, there's actually a genuine reason why
you need to put that women apply thing because I don't want to just...
when the app is finished, I'm not just going to put it on the app store and let people download it at random.
We're going to do a proper beta test with it. I'm going to need 100 girls.
I'm gonna explain to them exactly how it works
I'm gonna put them in different, I want them to be from different places all over the world. They're gonna try it out, see an... so I can actually put a proper case study together of revenue.
So before I launch it, I can say, look, this is a girl who did it. This is exactly what she did. This is how she did it. And she made X amount per week. So I do genuinely need girls to apply.
for a business thing anyway.
So you don't have to say fit bitches, but just say,
If you're gonna do this, at least let me get something out of it.
So,
beautiful ladies who want to make money through Snapchat.
Apply.
Can you do that?
What's Snapchat?
I swear to God.
I don't know if you're genuinely annoying.
or if you're just very well practiced.
Forget it.
*clap*
your fingers
I am blue.
Original and best.
of him.
- We'll finish.
sprinkle it with breadcrumbs
Drizzled with more olive oil.
It's not that good actually, Alambrou is it? It's kind of just token-y.
because it's orange and Scottish. The word in Scotland, the secret recipe to mention all this.
My head is smoked streaky.
My name is Anthony and Serena. Give it a cookie.
before the carol singers arrive. - Ooh, look at those.
- Do a good result though.
- Yes.
You look good, Nisata.
- Well, I'm gonna do it, I do it, I do it.
- They live on the... - They live on the...
then it's snow cold, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Very good, Jay.
but one one fell down the chimney. I should... *singing* Jesus comes over
Come to the mayor of San Bernard
*Sings* Christmas soon?
Glory to the newborn. Tight.
*Humming*
Go ahead.
Christmas night?
- No.
- Yeah, they're almost on the right side.
Oh, please. That's all.
For Christmas?
It's the most wonderful time of year.
only comes once a year.
Happiness.
Snow.
So that was the problem with my entire life right now.
Fucks now.
I'm getting charged 200 quid a day storage in fucking Romania. I'll probably go over there in the phone that's snow.
So fuck's not.
.
.
.
It's a bit pretty, isn't it?
- Yeah.
*outro music*
How long do you reckon Tristan's going to be? I don't know where he's going, I guess he's going to borrow a car. I don't know why he walked off so quickly, because even if he borrows a car, I still don't think he's going to allow us to make it all the way. You can't just tow an accident, it's not that kind of car. I don't know where he's going, he says he knows someone.
Not the coolest tonic now. 34 grams of sugar in an iron bro. Have a guess at what percentage that is of your daily recommended intake of sugar.
Just go on, wait for a guess. 34 G's of sugar is...
I'll take this.
Okay, give me the signal if you think it's between 10 and 20%. I don't care, I think I don't care.
- Is it very... - Shocking. - Yeah, shocking. - Probably put that down, actually, 'cause that's just... mental. I wonder Scottish has got no teeth.
- Shouldn't you be with Tristan right now, following him, seeing what he's doing? - Kind of left without telling me. I would... And this is good for the documentary, really.
What is? Iron Brew sugar fucking intake. Hmm. Well, it's important to say. You never know, you might have a hot bitch who loves Iron Brew and stops drinking it. She will apply Bit Bitches Love Brew.
I know. I want that banner.
For my... Bit Bitches Love Brew.
We love Bru and we love you. If hot fucking bitch.
Beautiful girls who want to make money via Snapchat. That's the way.
- Yeah, cheers.
I
Threads already seen.
Got some nice cereals in mason jars.
very plush, the one you've got in the fruit and fibre, got some shreddies
Yes.
Thanks.
Some knives, right?
Missing one
Mm-hmm.
-
Yeah.
My wife would money?
you
- Yeah.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
You know the right old?
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Mmm.
you
Thank you.
- Yeah.
-
*thud*
Okay.
Oh.
Bottom eight.
Oh dear.
*Humming*
I'm
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
*sniff*
Turns out there's someone else in here.
So he was lying about the makeup. Too bad.
Thank you.
-
*thud*
you
- I'm just so sorry.
Don't you be inspired from destinations?
There's a woman in there.
Really?
Surprise, surprise.
So you were lying about the makeup?
It's too bad though, so maybe...
Maybe I'll stay here.
- Sure.
She's
I don't think so.
Sorry about walking in on you with the...
Camera. Sorry about entering the room. Me? Yeah. Do you speak English? No. No English. Do you like Mr. Tate? Tate? Andrew. Yes. He's nice isn't he? A bit grumpy sometimes.
Why film camera me? I don't know. Just kind of filming everyone at the moment.
Luton's nice, nice?
No, not here, is it?
what are you doing? Tristan's here. Tristan's here? She doesn't speak much English um, the girl does she?
Not a wordsmith. It's a nice coat though.
If she spoke English, Dave, would she talk to you? Maybe.
Where is he? I think that's... yeah.
He's got a... he's got a fucking Jeep!
Problem solved. It's not a problem solved. It is. Heck, it's stuck in the snow in this. Look at it. Oh, you get it stuck in this. It's manual as well. Four-wheel drive. Yeah, this will make it... It's got a tow bar. The Aston doesn't sit under the Aston. It's because we have another car. Look, look, look.
Buy a tow rope. I've got a tow bar underneath. You drag the Aston to a nice... Drag the Aston to Romania. To a nice, safe place.
And then we can hang out in this car until they've salt the roads. Problem solved. Genius. It's not genius. It is. No, because that would work maybe if it was a little bit snowy. It's completely fucked. We leave the Aston somewhere where it's snowy, wait for them to salt the roads for a day or two. We can always get away in this. Whose car is it? From self. Yours.
What do you mean it's mine? I've got the V5 in here. I haven't filled it out yet, but... I put it in my name.
How much was it? Less than the 10 grand that your wheels would have cost. Money saved. No. Take it back. No. Legit. Yeah, I can't take it back. What do you think I bought it from the dealership? Second hand. I'm gonna go there. He's gonna tell me to get lost. He's got my money now. Your money.
Romania, here we come. Road trip. Fucking love it. Well played. Yeah. Well played. That's brilliant.
This is not going to actually help us maybe any more than 10%. If the car, if it's that bad, the weather's that bad, and I... The Aston can stop. We can drag a tow line to it's in a nice safe parking place. You want me to leave 150 grand with the car by the side of the road? No, just leave it in Luton instead. How about that? For months. Yeah, but I'll have to find some secure storage for it or something. This isn't an option. How much should this car cost? Less than the 10 grand your wheels would have cost. It's a money saving...
investment it's a money-saving investment it's gonna be like lads on tour it's not stop buying things hey you said you said and I quite in fact we probably have it on video and I quote if we had a second car I'd be more comfortable making the trip yeah doesn't mean I was gonna do the trip second car hands are tied down the die is cast
The feast. Classic. He'll be alright. He'll be alright. If he'd spent 10 grand on the wheels he would have been happy and he would have got there but he's fine. So Andy are we all coming inside? Or?
I'll bring the paperwork that you can fill out. You're going to buy me insurance as well.
Oh nice look at the space! That's gonna be, it's cooler than the Aston Martin. It's like a hotel room on wheels. I mean don't worry I'd rather have my X6 but this will, you know, it'll make the drive down there. I'll scrap it when I get to Romania. It's a one purpose, one journey purchase. Shhh.
Beavis. Hello.
All right, is there a coffee maker for some museum? I found coffee.
Wait a second, because if you seriously just pulled that car...
for the sake of fucking trying to look cool on a video
How much did it actually cost? I almost want to show off.
I'm still a call to anybody. I'm trying to get your car back to Romania. I don't need that car.
How much did it cost? Five. Five grand? Less than five. It was supposed to be five.
A friend of mine told me. Do you want a Lion Brew? Oh I love one actually, it's got to be coffee around here. Why are you concerned with Lion Brew?
Do you know how much sugar is in an iron brew? Have a guess.
No idea. 34 grams. I know that Iron Brew is the only
The only country in the world where the best selling drink is not a Coca-Cola product is Scotland.
because Iron Brew is made by a company called Bar. Interesting trivia for you.
Guess what percentage of 34 grams is you
- Daily, yeah.
- 150. - 38.
- 38.
In which case, have an iron proof!
*music*
*
- Hey, wait, right? I drive the monster, you drive the Aston. - No, 'cause I'm trying to get Sebastian on the phone. - Listen.
His car's stuck.
His car's stuck, he's a Range Rover with four wheel drive. Range Rovers are not, even the X6. Four wheel drive with winter tires. They're fashionable vehicles, that's a real off-roader. That will make it, the Aston won't make it. Yeah, we'll park the Aston until the roads are sold to. And that's still out, boomers up. That still doesn't fix anything.
Because...
I'm trying to get Sebastian on the phone so I can speakerphone him. If you don't have winter tires and police stop you, they take your car's papers. It's dangerous driving. So that means I have to buy the 10 grain wheels anyway or the Romanian police are gonna stop a British Aston Martin in the snow. Obviously they're gonna stop it and they're gonna take the car papers and call it. Oh shit. If only the Romanian police took bribes.
I mean, what a wonderful world that would be. - I'm not paying fucking a bribe every 10 minutes. - Bribing is less than 10 grand. The bribes you'll spend is less than 10K. 100%. Get the car there, park it in the garage, fine.
- Thanks.
Don't.
Dave, you're riding with Andrew.
Is that going to be a bit dangerous?
Nah, it's fun. Aston's a safe and he's a great driver.
Andy, thanks for the year.
I didn't mean the car.
Hey, he's harmless.
I'll send you the money back. That's my car. I'll transfer the money back. I'll sell it to some farmer when I get there.
Hey, Sebastian.
So if I drive on summer tires and the police stop me, is it a small fine or is it a big problem?
- I've been promised to do tonight.
Yeah, yeah I know. But they're gonna stop it because it's a British car and it's an Aston Martin. So they're gonna stop it. And then they're gonna want a stupid amount of brides to not take the car away because...
- Thanks.
from the world for a journey of history. Across Europe, Russia, and Asia, an extremely inspiring destination.
- And inviting you to-- - They'll take the card.
Okay.
Has the X6 got winter tires on it?
- Yes.
- Excellent. - Some resource, okay.
Okay, well, alright. Okay. Alright, I'll call you back, friend. Thanks, man. They take the car. There's no way we can drive it. Which means you just bought a fucking 4x4 for zero reason. We're gonna have to find secure storage for the Aston, leave it here and fly there. They take the car if you have them on winter tires, it's dangerous driving. I can't just bribe them to not take a 150 grand car, they're gonna want two or three grand per bribe.
In Bulgaria
up at the Bucharest, our and Romania, mass.
And what about the, yeah, we don't know the laws, that's because we've got a Romanian friend, you need winter tires in Germany by law.
Do we? You tell me, you bought the car here, this is your problem, I'm trying to help
I've offered amazing assistance. You've offered amazing assistance. Here's what we're going to do. Take that fucking car back. Get our money back. Get it back. No refunds. Secondhand car dealership.
Then what are we going to do with that now? Now we have two cars. Mom's boyfriend needs a car. Give it to him. Get our money back for that car. We'll put the acid in storage and we'll fly. We're just going to have to leave the car here in storage until it gets warm. For four months. No choice. But whatever. You've not made the
in the situation you need to be better just spunking money on that.
If we'd go through Italy then we can stop off for a risotto. Andrew loves a risotto. That's a good point. It doesn't help, 1%.
Little happy face dangling in the window. I've got a sad face because this car is going back to the dealership. If you'll take it back.
Speak of the devil. Yes?
Kickboxing champion buying to come cars in bed for me. Yes.
Car's going back. I think he's mad. I think we're down about 700 pounds. Because the guy knows we're in no position to haggle. So he said I'll take it back. But I had much less than I paid for. Oh well. That's one night out. No ice cream. No dessert. Maybe lunch. Some of these Range Rovers are pretty nice. I was tempted to pick one of these up. Fuck.
have been furious plus I've got the X6 which is nice so-so. Death of the beast.
*music*
*
- Whoa.
Morning.
*shrug*
- Yeah.
Hilton coffee.
- Oh, my God.
It's not actually that good, but it's...
Coffee at the Hillton.
Nice little walking chair.
Brief recap.
Basically, day five,
documentary about two kickboxers, one's a world champion, the other one is an absolute lad. Tristan, you know who you are. How would I describe day one?
Let's say
Bye.
Outside the car it was a bit misty
It missed the out in it
Inside the car it was a bit frosty. B, he doesn't do anything illegal. It's fine film anything Dave. He told me it's fine He told me it's okay. He said it's alright. So just just follow us around Get the camera out when you want. I want to see every edit before it goes out. Oh Don't know if that's gonna be. Alright if you agree that you can't make changes No, I want to see every edit before it goes out. I want to make it very don't be taking the piss and just trying to make me look like a cunt.
And I should have said to Andrew, "Are you sure you're not a cage fighter?"
Why? Because you're acting cagey.
I'm glad I didn't say that but...
Day two there was the James Bond style problems due to the fact that Andrew
bought an Aston Martin because he was bored.
And...
I don't know why Holmes under the hammer or Jeremy Kyle didn't cut it that day. I'm watching Holmes under the hammer.
Julie Collins, my favorite show ever.
But he bought an Aston Martin because he was bored.
and now can't take it to Romania because of the tyres.
So,
Boredom, boredom, you know,
It doesn't kill
It could have killed, boredom could kill. - We're in the snow and I just fucking trust my driving ability to not kill us.
Boredom kills. He hasn't exactly embraced the documentary as I would have hoped. He's actually kind of spent every last minute escaping it. Which is sad. Instead of being mates with me he's running into the arms of little women who don't even speak English. So I don't get it. I'm sure you don't.
But here I am still plugging away. Trying hard. So he'll see sense eventually.
Unfortunately, it might take these kind of banners. - To talk like, any hot women who watch this, who wanna take part,
inbox andrew something good a big banner saying any
Women
who, Dink Hander's amazing,
wanna free life and just come along for the ride, inbox him now. But they gotta be hot. Make it something just like, fit bitches apply here, put an email address.
Edit it out.
Fit bitches apply.
Erm, I didn't go into filmmaking to do such banners but...
If I'm gonna stay, you know, if I'm keeping my taste status, this is what I've gotta do. So I've designed two. Here's one he might like.
Here's one he definitely won't. Let the dogs out! You're genuinely annoying.
or if you're just very well practiced.
Forget it
It's actually getting worse because I've got to now make a
Aston Martin montage.
a cool Aston Martin convertible
Montage.
of him looking gangster
Gangster.
It's December and we're in Luton.
Fuck!
Yeah, fucking hard on you, enjoy.
Fucking odd.
*sad*
disabled kickboxing, it's not a thing.
Obviously it's not a thing, that's mental.
But like sitting down
Sitting down. Kickboxing.
Still.
Yeah, just a little filmmaking.
Thank you.
Okay, that's all it's up.
Today I woke up to a pleasant text from Andrew, saying he's going to come and pick me up in his Aston Martin. So, progress.
Really hope he's in a chirpy mood.
3 Series is about 25 grand, and M3 is about 60 grand. So he's put the badge on, but I can tell by the exhausts and the back of the car that it's not an M3. Uh-huh. And this is the problem with BMW sports cars. When you pick up a girl, she ain't got to fucking know. Look, I bought that M4, it might as well be a 4 Series. Unless you're going to drive like a grade A dickhead, and she can tell it's ridiculously quick. No one can tell what car it is. You could have a 4 Series or an M4, it's just a Beamer.
car people like oh yeah my dad has a beamer and it's because he's got a company fucking diesel three grand three series so that's why the m4 is a waste whereas when you're pushing an aston or ferrari they know they know it's worth the money so that's the problem with bmw sports cars
anyway dave i've seen what you've done so far mildly amusing from now on i'm taking full
It's gonna look the way I want it to look. I want to be in charge of it. Otherwise next time I disappear, you're not gonna find me.
Why don't we have a trial period? Listen, this is how it's gotta be. Every time I like say I need a banner here for this or whatever, it's gonna happen. I want... They're gonna start playing some like gangster trap badass music over it. Because everyone knows like I'm a legit G. And then we need like a montage of me looking cool all the time.
shit. He's really having that coffee. That's how a coffee is had. He's the fucking man. So if we're going to do this, that's how I want it to do. That's how I want it to look. Man coffee, right. Yeah, exactly. So right now, we're on our way to get my car. This is the courtesy Aston. We're on our way to get my Aston. And when I pick it up, I need loads of shots on the outside. You've got to get all the detail on the wheels. I just
I've just got everyone's got to know I'm the man. You gotta put at the bottom, Andrew's loaded. All you hot women who are bored of your lives, just hit him up, he'll look after you. Hit him up? Hit me up, yeah, I'll look after you. Just like, just come to me. As in, fight you? No. Even right now, hot women, inbox Andrew, he's got paper. I need girls for my iPhone app anyway. You've got to start trying to recruit some girls from this and I've got to start looking cool.
things have to happen for this project to continue. Anyone's mom, they would not be concerned about your dad. If you're watching this thinking "my mom loves my dad" not with Peter Gabriels in the club. He'd sledgehammer her poem. Different level. Peter Gabriels is G. All the cars here look so shiny and beautiful and clean apart from the one Andrew's been using as a courtesy car. Which looks like shit.
That's a nice car.
So I'm gonna leave it here.
That's a nice car, man. Now you wanna make the drive, don't you? I'm gonna go buy the beast back. Don't buy any more fucking cars. Coming from you.
Andrew was very happy with both his car and his personalised number plate, which
Apparently doesn't say fit for E R, but fighter.
I'm happy now, see? People say money doesn't buy happiness. Look how happy I am.
Right, you riding with me or you riding with T? I think I'll let you have a moment together first. Thank you. All right.
banner. I'm going to have this on. Do a banner. Hot girls apply. Free Burger King included.
The camera's going off.
Well, the day was finally upon us.
Me and both Tates were leaving the country to Romania. Lads on tour, Tates on tour. Lads on tour. Lads, lads, lads. I hate the term lad. Why? It just implies a dickhead who loves football and thinks hair gel makes him a real person. Exactly. No girl really likes football, but there's always girls who pretend they like football.
So I support Man United.
It's okay if I drop you just around the corner over there. No, we need to go. How can I get to the airport then? I'd be walking up the hill with all the bags. When I told them on the phone, they said you'd include an extra two pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. That's too much traffic. I can't walk up the hill.
My bag is heavy.
I'm going to go.
Girls are pretending they're football.
Yeah, no girl likes football. Girls just pretend they like football. Because they want attention from men. And I think the way to do it is to pretend they like football. My dad supported Men United so I support Men United. Shut up. The only thing you support is dick in your mouth. You don't care about fucking football. Not 1 % of you cares about football. You just want validation from men. You want men to go, she's cool, she's one of the lads. You're just a fucking ho.
You don't like football. I know you don't like football. If you're that dick hungry, just wear a sign. Fuck me.
leaving the country at Luton
I had only one intention.
to make the most out of this all-inclusive trip. This is a sandwich that comes in a bag.
You can play for the bag. You can play for the bag. So, oh, I had
three cans of Heineken, two pots of Pringles, this sandwich,
and a thing called a beefy.
which is the most disgusting thing I've ever consumed.
*Slow's music*
Put some bit steam in here. Help us up.
I thought Romania is so good, because that England is so terrible. Everything imaginable about England is better here.
The nightlife, to the people, everything.
I'd never move back to England.
England is boring. There's nothing to do. If you've got money in Bucharest, 24 hours a day there's somewhere to go and something fun to do.
In England if it's 1am Wednesday morning and you're in your flat even in London with 10 grand in your pocket, there's no way you can go and enjoy yourself. It's ridiculous.
Is that blob? No. Yeah. Globes, blood, sweat, tears.
It's starting to feel quite...
in a foreign land now.
*music*
*
- Oh my god!
That's what he had, man.
So on day one of Romania all I'd seen is motorway and a disturbing worrying bloodstain. I was personally looking forward to a nice cup of coffee and a ridiculously oversized.
A bar of chocolate.
Thank you.
wasn't to be
- No, that's not chopper.
It's wax, it's scented wax.
- Thank you.
It's vanilla wax for candle, it's more chocolate.
That's what I job with.
Taste it. That's it.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Amen.
Fucking wax man.
He just came into my room during a Harry Hill reading.
Are you not allowed to fish here?
Why?
I'm not fishing, I'm teaching my worm how to swim.
You are a fucking worm.
and said,
Don't give a fuck about your joke.
Get ready, we're going out. What's the best that can happen on a Sunday?
They've got tinsel in Romania.
I was satisfied I wasn't going to be needing Liam Neeson's
phone number at this point
I don't know what you want. Yeah, the next thing literally that I became aware of was that we were sitting down in the club.
Just me, my main man Andy T and you know, a couple of whiskies.
Couple of beers.
Thank you.
the
Just chilling in a club, just trying to remain it.
On a Sunday. Mental.
So basically at one point he disappeared.
I was like in the book of West
by myself.
Maybe I do need a new niece as a dad, but Shabbat.
shortly appeared with what I could only describe
as an entourage of offensively good women.
over here.
*music*
Alright, good job. I'm wrong, he's the man! What are you guys?
Who are these girls? I made a seven! I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm
.
offensive.
equally offensive
Thank you.
Hot tub.
I don't know.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
they weren't, they're not camera shy.
Not TV.
Yeah, that
Both.
Thank you.
Same time.
I'm getting nowhere near them but
that they are real women.
*music*
So,
Cheers!
- Two man, lad, lad, lad. - Lad, lad, lad. - Now... - Why do you say that? Now we are boozing.
Not quite.
officially
Maze.
no they don't drink the booze good you know you're a torpedoed a beer
- Um, no. - Torpedo a little bit.
If I told you to drink this can as fast as you could, how fast could you drink it?
17 minutes
Uh-huh.
That's got worm time in my book.
What's up, bro? I'm trying to torpedo over here. What's up, bro?
You.
*Loud clad*
-
-
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Did you just stab the brain?
-
*cough*
You're a worm until you can do that.
*outro music*
How long will it take to get that episode up?
For an average filmmaker? For Dave McKenna. How much did you pay? How much are you willing to pay? 17 grand, it'd be up in 10 minutes.
You.
Thank you.
.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Did you just stab the bed?
*cough*
Check the fucking time, four seconds flat.
Turns out it is actually quite cold in Romania.
What are you going to do about that? Do you know what would be worrying about the package, Andy? The package? Yeah. I'm worried about the price. I'm worried about the final amount of that. We need to go there and get that done. It's supposed to go today, but obviously we woke up a little bit late.
For slow treatment.
and fucking all these other wankers and they all want their hair done this way and they want to sing little songs and stuff but there's actually real role models out there in the world there's real men out there that you should look up to and you should respect like stone cold steve austin i think you should all know who he is this is i'm from this generation i'm from the generation when wwf was what everyone watched it was the thing and he just gave her a beer and she doesn't like the beer can you see he's like have a beer she's like it doesn't taste very nice so instead of going oh
What do you mean you don't like the beer? Bang! Now you're out cold bitch! You can't taste it in your mouth, now you're asleep! That's a role model! That's a role model! None of this, "Oh babe, I hope you're okay, let me go get you an Appletini !" No! You're out! Ice cold, asleep! Drink your beer! That's a fucking hero!
So with absolutely no intention of picking up the package, which is costing him
200 pounds a day we headed back up the mountain
Why? Two reasons. One, the Jacuzzi.
two boozing
and free.
Gangsta Peanuts
They're not peanuts, they're G-nuts.
Finally we're done drinking. I wasn't feeling right, my stomach was a bit off. I was tired of drinking. I'm glad we're done. Let's get out of here. How much is the bill? Loads.
I lost it.
Have you got money?
Yeah.
- How do I fucking lose that money already?
- Have you just lost money? - Yeah, not much money. Some money. - How much is much? - Listen, I'm a G, this is what I do. Money just disappears from my hands. I get money, money disappears. That's how I fucking work, so my life's amazing.
If I held onto money and saved it and put it in an ice level to dick it,
I wouldn't be a fucking badass, would I?
Give me more money.
Music.
So, average night, last night. What went on? You tell me. Hot tub. That's Romania.
Romania.
Thank you.
Okay.
sort of known for sex slavery
and sort of
dodgy blokes
One of women.
It's not what I'm seeing. Romania has playgrounds that are themed around the Romanian flag.
Which fairy tale character is banned from the Arendal Centre? Little Red Riding Hoodie.
Classic hill.
Dave McKenna.
I don't know who you are. Call me the third tape, brother.
I don't know what you want. Mate, I couldn't ask for more. Honestly, I've got every single thing I could possibly want.
I've got a plastic glove.
My hand can't catch a sexual disease because I'm in Romania. Not that it would. Because... Classy's like... But yeah, I've got everything I want. Everything.
Apart from... I don't know, maybe I'll have a portion of nuts, but...
Are you calling me from room service? I can tell you I don't have money.
All expenses paid mate. All expenses paid. So I don't have any money.
Not an issue. Next. But what I do have...
are a very particular set of skills.
Uh -huh.
Uh-huh.
Skills I've acquired over a very long career. Yeah, same mate. Honestly the same. I've... Ten years. I've been making films for over ten years, so ten years a filmmaker. Particular skills. Good at editing and... I suppose my most particular skills kind of just talking to people with a microphone. Just shoving a microphone in their face. But yeah, exactly the same man. Exactly the same. I will look for you. I will find you.
Mate, completely. You'd be an idiot not to. Honestly, Romania's fantastic. So, yep, get on Google. EasyJetit. Dracov, Dracov. Who knows? But penthouse. Penthouse with the Jacuzzi. Ask for me. So.
See you later, mate. Good luck.
Mate, just had some bloke talk. Oh mate.
Offensively good.
Just had some bloke call me and say he's going to come and find me with some G -nuts. So what? With some G -nuts. Who called you? I have no idea. Just some Scottish guy. He wants to come and find you with some G -nuts. He didn't actually agree to the G -nuts but he just said I will find you. He's like really really weird and persistent. The tone of voice.
I think he'd rather have been called in one of the girls.
He'd rather be trying to find you. If someone tries to find you and they're hanging out with you, I'll make people disappear. Tell them not to come here. Particular skills.
Why wouldn't he come here? He'd be an idiot not to. Romania is lovely. That's what I told him. You're not kidnapped.
you
Fuck snow. Fancy a snow fight?
Fox, no. The snow should be banned.
and Facebook should be
You know what they should do?
You should have a license to Facebook.
You should have to apply and prove you're not a fucking shit-munching dickhead.
before you're allowed to post on Facebook.
Thank you.
I keep seeing the same shit.
by moms.
day in day out. I scroll up and down
through this fucking thing on my phone, and it genuinely pisses me off.
the number of people sharing
motivational quotes who have precisely zero of their own money.
one or
fucking...
Guys think it's cool to take pictures of themselves on holiday like holding their chicks hand while their chick leads them I call some spiritual path down fucking Magaluth high street. Fuck you. I
Fuck your ugly girlfriend. I'll tell you something.
If you have a child, the best thing you can do is never, ever post about it on social media, because I can absolutely guarantee
Nobody gives a fuck.
I can guarantee you, Jacob just had his first food and he's two. No one gives a fuck if Jacob lives or dies, let alone eats food.
That's the first thing.
and taking that into consideration,
it's very difficult to explain how much people don't care
about an ultrasound.
Babies aren't even born. Babies aren't even finished growing. It's half a deformed baby.
in a black and white image. No one gives a fuck.
What you're saying is Jacob's Crackers, basically.
Jacob's Crackers. From now on, next time I see an ultrasound, every ultrasound I see I'm going to take and make it as my own display picture.
For zero reason. I'm going to see some other person's ultrasound of their shit kid
I'm going to take it and make it my own display picture.
and then update my status thing, "I'm so excited, I can't wait."
and wait for the hate mail to start from the father or the mother or someone. And just sit there and pretend I have no idea why they're upset. That's my new fucking policy.
Fuck you. Fuck your ultrasounds. Fuck your kid.
No snow fight
No, I fuck snow.
fucks no
Snow's the reason why Aston Martin isn't here
Once Andrew had finished being completely detestable and hateful
and we finally agreed to talk about the package so we met a man
for some beans.
Not breakfast. This is not breakfast. This is dinner in Romania. Beans and egg.
Finished? Action!
So that package that you need to receive, you know, you have big problems with the customs, we need to bring it here to Romania, they want to find you. So what, okay, so what do they even want? Because I've been emailing to people in Switzerland, I've emailed people in Thailand, and everyone's saying different numbers and different people.
the residence your name and I have to pay import taxes is this so I can pay you need to pay taxes need to pay fine now because you need they say that because you want too much away they want to take it away so I said no don't take it away we're going to call so now we're going to pay some fine it's going to be a nightmare you know we need to go tomorrow morning at ASP to make the paper work if not they're going to take away the package we're going to go to so after all that the package was
detestable. Problems at customs but it was time to get booting.
Met a man called
Ruben.
a photographer and a quite terrifying man
He tried to educate me on Romanian history, which I appreciated. Felt far too comfortable and made the mistake of calling him the loveliest gypsy I'd ever met.
To which he replied, "If you weren't with Tristan,
I would have killed you. I believe him. Andrew was with his regular Harim. Tristan as usual was bruising.
And this is me looking terrified and scared when he tries to touch my hair.
Lovely snow isn't it? Fuck no. I don't think it's a little loud.
Oh...
- Thank you.
This is me being incognito.
Looking hungover, stinking of whisky.
It was only a matter of summer. - In the bottom of my heart.
- Coffee. - Huh?
Do you smell some coffee? Yeah, coffee machine.
Do you have a camera on?
You need to stop this.
- Finish? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
*sniff*
So, I was not allowed in to talk about the package but instead had to stand outside in the cold.
fantastic
We don't have the package to it. Yeah, what happened? So now we have done to government. That's why it cannot film inside, you know? We make paperwork in one day or today or tomorrow. We're going to receive an email. It's a special code that you can bring merchandise inside Romania. So now we need to wait one day and we're going to receive it. Then we go to the customs again.
the mystery of the package
lives another day.
Andrew was taking me to his
what he calls zombie proof house. - It's a wonderful Christmas time.
Beautiful, isn't it?
- Ah.
Thank you.
- You ain't even stuck. - Jesus.
Thank you.
Listen how quiet is this thing, no cars this thing.
Some dude saw him in there, otherwise there's literally no sound up there.
When I'm up here in the summer or whatever, you can't hear cars, you can't hear nothing, especially at night. At night you hear nothing but like wolves or my wolf or bears.
Thank you.
Thank you.
belt belt belt
though.
Votes.
Vote.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's... that's what.
as a
- Axe in there. - Yeah, for chopping. Come on, let's go.
Zombies.
Thank you.
That mattress is all one piece as well. It's not like two little pieces of some dumb shit.
Thank you.
- -
Thank you.
And that's Europe's largest bed.
Yeah, it's gangster. So I'm in your boat.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's all gonna happen. Well if the zombies ever make it up here, they can all share the bed.
At least.
*BOOM*
Okay.
-
A beautiful moment of irony struck when Tristan and Andrew found themselves on worm duty.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's only old thing in life, isn't it?
*Gunshot*
Come on.
Fuck their bullshit. I ain't got any money. I'm English. I didn't know. I'm supposed to fly home tomorrow. I'm not from Romania. I don't live here. You probably already told them you live here. You should have told them you lived here. You should have just said I'm just driving through and I'm going to be gone in a day. You're saying you live here. Now they're going to be trying to get you for real. You shouldn't have said that. You should have just said I'm a transient dude. Driving from Bulgaria to Serbia. I should have. So I'm driving home to England. It is what it is. I'm going to talk to these nerds. Now you said you live here. They're going to be all over you. I don't talk to cops.
Justin's love for his BMW and the need to drive at offensive speed.
alarmed the police to his presence and we were pulled over.
- With the English license, what can they do? - Yeah, he said, "Oh, we'll have to suspend your license if you're doing your speed and blah, blah, blah." I said, "Okay, okay." I just made general conversation. "You know what? Okay, take your documents, be careful, goodbye." - Yeah, because they know that they were hoping you were going to pay money. - Of course. I said, "I don't have any money on me." They said, "Can you give me an MMA t-shirt?" I said, "I don't have any in the car, but you can have this one if you want. I'll drive home with no shirt. It's no problem." And he said, "No, no, no, if you drive with no shirt, it's no problem."
They pull you over. They think you're a gypsy who stole a car. I laughed. They let me go. Underground.
Young nigger got it hard cause I'm brown.
Don't trust the police, no justice, no peace. They got your face down in the middle of the - Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Shut up.
Welcome back to the most pointless and expensive thing on the internet. If you're expecting money,
Bitches.
cool things
in this episode.
I advise you turn off now.
- Yeah.
You're the light, mate.
Yeah, but I'm getting it.
- No music.
Thank you.
because what follows
is
Thank you.
The opposite of all of them.
Basically, I'd convinced myself
It's become the third tape, brother.
I had to do some exercise.
a gruelling regime.
which consisted of
a lot of jumping around with boxing gloves
So a bit of pad work.
a comically bad attempt at skipping.
And free hole.
Cross-ups.
Mm.
Thank you.
Oh.
It's three more than yesterday, so it was a real joke.
*sad music*
Thank you.
.
Shit.
Thank you.
This is more like it.
This is what I expected the man used to be like.
Thank you.
I'm gonna be the fur tape, brother.
I've got at least be able to jog for five minutes.
-
According to the globe, I'm on 1 minute 16.
- Oh.
*crickets*
- Whoa!
*BANG*
Shh.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Four more
Bye.
-
I could stop and take a seat.
Okay.
Thank you.
when I'm exercising.
I could wish to sit up
the seat up
Okay.
you.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Nice, isn't it?
Thank you.
I gave up.
with the impossible five minute jog.
And instead,
decided to turn my attention to a plant, who I kicked pretending it was Andrew.
Romanians are so considerate they've actually built a zebra crossing just for any stray wildlife here
It gets dark very quickly in Romania. Pretty cold actually. Luckily my main man's here slept me in.
Andy T, world champion, you might know.
Get under that one.
Huh? Exercising.
Get in a shake.
Why?
What do you mean? Because I'm...
First thing, why is your suitcase in the middle of the--
slices of the mat to a ball of the meter.
just...
First place, dumped them. - And what are you exercising for? - Be the third take.
Training for the sake of training is the biggest bullshit in the world.
If you're not training for a fight,
There's no point in doing it.
literally zero point. That minutes you're going to add to your life, you're going to waste the exercise.
I've got to say a bit of Romania.
cold.
Don't want me. What are we doing now? Food.
*music*
Once Andrew had promised to kill the hippie vegetarian warriors with his big strong meat arms, we left for a place called Bamboo.
the entrance was pretty lavish
and complete with snake skin walls
Thank you.
Which vodka bottles I do best like?
it's all about the illumination. Well the illumination was certainly provided. A bottle of vodka which
be mistaken for uranium was placed on our table
And then began the show.
*music*
- He's gonna get it, he's gonna get it out of the ball, man.
- You gonna catch it now?
At this point in the club, everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun, including these Swedish men dressed like James Bond, who were cracking smiles and some terrible dance moves.
However, Tristan was playing chess and Andrew was having no fun at all, despite the harem of women dancing around him.
So, next thing I knew, Tristan told me to look up in the sky.
I was given a sparkler.
in a club, health and safety alert.
and that sort of bauble light thing is actually a crane
delivering
an expensive
enormous bottle of champagne.
absolutely obscene
more booze
More booze it certainly was.
To be exact, it's a 3 litre magnum.
of Marei
*music*
Oh
I don't know.
At least the boys were almost smiling.
- Go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Now we're moving.
Okay.
Now we're fucking losing!
Yeah.
Go!
- Yeah!
*music*
*
- All right.
We'll be right back.
you
Infrared.
Infrared.
It's a green shirt.
Fucking what? Penthouse.
Who's right there?
One pillow. One lonely bloke.
you do the math
infrared no light look at that fucking camera quality not going in the lad's room trust in kate because
What is that?
you
What do you say?
bit weird
but
- Turn loose.
MCDs.
Andrew's probably not back yet, so.
- Okay.
I must have a wonder
Thank you.
female garments, being natural. I don't know what's up.
*piss*
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, you shouldn't have seen that.
*music*
Bucharesti is the bestie. There's no doubt about that. I was enjoying my life so much I got an M&A fighter to
punched a camera for me, and a barman to walk around the bar.
Why? Because it's an all-expenses paid trip.
Nothing a little tip won't hurt. There you go. Thank you very much, Mr. Tate.
Thank you.
I was tipping everyone. I'd even tip the lights if I could.
Yeah.
Even when I wasn't tipping there was just so many delights.
such as the name of this bar may remind you of a
cheap confectionery
- - Slam it! Slam it, team!
*music*
Apatoy... Apat... Apat... Apat...
Yeah, I'll have a...
Trio Vegetarian Traditional
-
- Um.
sharer or a starter for two
Thank you.
I'm going to go.
.
- Mm.
-
Yeah, it's all expenses. Steak out.
We're upstate.
It's great.
.
.
Thank you.
Carfature, the Parmesan, the Saffogia, the Mignal.
"Migdale" almonds, parmesan, creamy mashed potatoes with a steak
Thank you.
Thank you.
-
You have a dessert?
-
Apple pie nuts cake. He nuts not to.
*thud*
Thank you.
*Ding*
Thank you.
What I got wasn't exactly a steak.
Yeah.
Andrew's words exactly, where
I'm not gonna have you starve.
I'm tired of your three-course bullshit.
-
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
so maybe this was it
The end of the road.
Ciao.
All expenses trip no more.
reflecting while I'm nibbling on my lunch
I try to think of the origin.
of this feeling of hatred.
Okay.
No idea.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good news, my manager tucked into the nuts cake, I was treated to some croutons. So, not all bad.
The best hotel is on this boulevard.
I hope so. I heard it's pretty good. I heard it's fantastic. I heard it might be the best. I'm pretty sure it is, actually. The best employe-est.
The best hotel. And then what are we doing? That's not what I'm getting taken. Commentating on RXF, MMA organization.
I've commentated for them for a long time.
Always good fights, lots of knockouts. It's always entertaining. I haven't seen you do much research between you. I know everything already. All know the real scene. No need to research. I'm a genius. There's nothing I don't know.
Orange is best apparently. Orange is best for what? Hotels.
Orange was not best for me. As it turns out I didn't have a room in Hotel Best.
instead would be
left to the streets like a dirty Romanian dog.
Thankfully,
I found a friend and a hotel in Albert.
Thank you.
I would argue Albert is actually better than the best.
I mean look at this, this is pretty cool.
complimentary head condoms
- Trinch out.
-
No need for that.
so
*Sigh*
- Good luck, Jay.
*music*
And the massacre began.
*M*ing*
*M *ing
*
- Technique is to try and score and move. Stay on the back foot.
lighter of the two men. Not where he wants to be. I think he's been told by his corner, he's perhaps backing up a bit too much. He's going to fight that way. Good footwork, he looked clever. In the end of three rounds, he's going to come out with an unfavorable decision.
Back to the corner now. Good way to get the action going, but also a very good way to get something stupid.
He does face himself as a wrestler. A bit of showboating and that is it.
They stopped it then. I think that was...
brutally almost killing this man wasn't enough for this geezer
To show off his masculinity he had to do a few roly polies.
Hmm.
After which came the group of screaming bald men.
the Mitchells on roids.
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
Hotel room after hotel room, innit?
H-E
In Hotel Albert and I'm delighted to announce that I'm the first.
British person to have ever stayed here, according to the receptionist, lovely lady.
And...
Malnourished
Massively, 'cause...
Andrew.
didn't allow me to get
Any lunch but.
*sad*
Okay.
what you can't control is... that.
you
Room service.
-
and I know what he's like, he's a bit frivolous. He's probably not gonna pull this up.
- Yeah.
Wines, sparked in waters.
Snickers, couple of Cokes.
Strapper man, yes please.
So...
Here's the Tate.
- Yeah.
-
Cheers, mate.
Dave McKenna, danger mouse, my wallet.
The reason I'm putting that in my wallet isn't to show you how much money I've got.
My name is not
Mr. Tape, for real. The reason I'm putting that in the wallet is
Show you my business card.
which I thought I was particularly proud of.
Once upon a time.
Southeast Media
I don't know if you can make that out.
Dave McKenna, affordable.
and affable.
Meaning cheap and likeable.
Makes me say I'm not going to go over it, isn't it?
But...
filmmaker writer so it clears that up
Nice business card. Haven't got much work from it, got to be honest, but...
Scottish bloke called Scottish John, got it from me.
So...
100 of those.
Andrew's business card.
Bit different.
Tate Enterprises Unlimited Kickboxing
world champion
and also a millionaire
and also a millionaire and all-round nice guy.
That's...
the tagline.
affable and affordable
all around nice guy sort of services I've just got film making and writing
He's gone to town.
and
I specialize in the following.
Wars fought.
specializes in war
modeling exposure.
assassinations plotted
revolution started
Uprisings quelled.
Stud service
Millionaire lifestyle, that's a speciality apparently.
So...
millionaire lifestyle
Whiskey merchant.
Helicopter hire, I haven't seen a helicopter since I've been here.
Tigers tamed.
Orgies organised.
Sadly, I can probably believe that one.
Dragon slaying.
Just...
on the back of you.
Business card.
free money
I have to ask him about that.
World record is broken.
sexual athlete
and ventriloquist.
specialises in the following.
So it says--
The difficult done immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.
Miracles by appointment.
Thank you.
We were never going to get along.
Bye-bye.
Ever.
Thank you.
And I'm above her.
But if you want a Dragon Slade or an Uprising Quelled,
He's got Facebook.
Bye.
Fucking hell.
Unbelievable.
*music*
This morning was a bit to the point. Which one? One about black parents being the hardest. They are though, but the thing that was ironic about it is I said everyone thinks they know better and the first thing people start writing under it is that the things they think they know better. I had a Scottish parent, I had an Irish parent. You don't know shit. You don't know shit. I'm not saying that I, and there's some fucking moron, some complete moron goes, oh you had it
parent you fucking how stupid you have to be to think I'm the only person who had a black parent there's a nation there's many nations there's continents half the fucking world probably had a black parent you dumbass he doesn't know what he's talking about oh my dad was Irish your dad obviously raised a cunt because you're a cunt so your dad was probably a cunt so you don't know what I'm talking about thick as fuck black parents are different level beatdowns I had a friend who carried a six inch scar on his face I said how'd you get that scar he goes I pissed my mum off
That's how it used to go. My aunt, like, I know, see I'm not like a black guy saying this. I'm mixed race. I'm half of my family, my dad's side, were all black. And then half of my family, my mom's side, were all white. Irish, in fact. So I know, I know exactly what I'm talking about. When my black aunt got pissed off, everyone got a beat down. Me, my cousins, any kid in the vicinity, random children.
will be like, why is this room a mess? And then they'll sit and talk about it. Well, Timmy, if you don't clean up, Timmy, you don't get sweeps. I'll try to do some kind of business deal with a child. How the fuck are you going to do a business deal with a kid? Like I barely sit down and do a business deal with another person. I'm going to sit down with a man and do a business deal. We'll come to an agreement. How are you going to sit there with a four-year-old and go, well, if you do what you're supposed to do, I'll reward you. You brought this kid into the world. You're the only reason this kid doesn't starve to death. And now you have to do a little fucking business deal for it to do as
aunt would walk in and say, "Why is this room a mess?" Before anyone had a chance to explain why it wasn't their fault, everyone got a whooping. Children screaming, running around the house, half naked, covered in mar... It was like fucking Syria. That's how it went when the room was a mess. No discussions, no why, no who did it, just straight beatdowns. Everyone's like, "Oh, I had an Irish parent." Your Irish parent's a dick because you're a dick. You don't know what I'm talking about. The brothers out there know. The brothers out there know what it was
got pissed off. Shit would go flying. They had the best aim you've ever seen with an ashtray. Like fucking snipers. They should send them to fucking Iraq to take out terrorists. Give them an ashtray and piss them off. Four fucking miles. Bang. Clean the head. They don't know. They think they know. And I write that status and the first thing you do is start writing under it proving they don't know shit. You don't know shit unless you had a black parent. When you're a black parent, you realize what a beat down is. And the real use for an ashtray.
straight disciplining children. If I see one more fucking stupid ass white parent do a business deal with their fucking retard child because their kid doesn't listen, and then you wonder why we got these things like ADHD and all this bollocks going around like kids don't listen anymore, he's got this condition, he's got that condition. The only condition he has is a lack of fucking discipline. That's his condition. ADHD. Of course he doesn't want to pay attention, what's it called? Attention deficit disorder. He doesn't want to pay attention in school. Of course not, because school's boring. No one wants to pay attention in school. You just do it because you
Ray's a little kid who told him he never has to do as he's told because you're so busy doing business deals. He's sitting there in school thinking, what do I get out of the end of this? Where's the business deal? Where's the sweets at the end? Nah, fuck this. I don't want to listen. Then he's got a condition. On a condition he has, he's never had his ass kicked. Would he go up to fire and put his hand in fire? No, because he knows it's going to burn him. So if he misbehaves and he knows he's going to get a beatdown, he ain't going to have a beatdown. I'll cure attention deficit disorder for any child. Watch me. Watch me cure it with old school violence.
abuse your children obviously there's a difference between discipline and abuse i'm not condoning child abuse what i'm saying is if a kid's going to be a little prick he needs a beat down and since the dawn of human history since the beginning of time children have fucked when children have been hit when they fucked up since the dawn of time and then the last 20 years we want to come along go you can't you can't smack kids it's bad for the development it's wrong if it was so wrong how come humans are here because we managed to last 250 000 years hitting kids who acted stupid
years a bunch of leftist hippies want to come along and say it's not right how could it not be right if it wasn't right it would have been extinct a long time ago obviously it's right you're just a pussy and you're afraid to discipline your child when my child turns around and says he has adhd i will beat adhd out of him within 10 solid minutes and he will sit down in school and do as he's fucking told he does not need medication he does not need a psychiatrist he needs a beat down simple simple fucking shit i if i tried to tell my dad i had adhd jesus i can't even put it
quickly I would have been cured. I would have been cured at the fear of being cured. That's how I would have been cured. He would have looked to me like, you're about to be cured, and I would have been cured. End of fucking conversation. ADHD. Fuck you. I watched something on TV with some kid who had OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, and he had to walk down the stairs in a certain order, and if he didn't walk down a certain order, he'd become panicky and have anxiety attacks, and his two parents, who were white, may I add, are sitting there saying, poor Timmy. Timmy didn't
inside from the car because Timmy was upset he didn't walk down the stairs or
right? When's the last time you've seen a kid in Africa who has to walk five miles for water, turning around and doing the walk twice because he missed a step? It doesn't happen because it ain't real. It's not real. They've just pandered to Timmy and made him a dickhead because they're afraid of disciplining him. When my kid cries because he doesn't like the way he goes down the stairs, he will be thrown down the fucking stairs. Fuck him and I'll cure him instantly. ADHD ain't real. Black parents have it going on. You're not going to see no black kid with ADHD.
It ain't real. No, it's always some white privileged motherfucker because they don't know how to raise their children properly. That's exactly what's wrong with the entire world. Because people don't understand, especially for a male. I can't say about a girl or a daughter as much because I'm not a girl. But I can tell you for a man, respect and fear are very closely linked. Very closely linked at primal level. Fear and respect are linked. So when you raise a son and he never knows fear, he never gets hit, he never has a beatdown, he never feels helpless,
the difference between a boy and a man. I knew the difference between a boy and a man. I knew fear. I knew fear like people never feel because I had my ass kicked. When you raise a son, he's never, ever had that. Of course, he has no respect for anybody. You wonder why he's on the street at 14 thinking he's the hardest thing on earth because no one's ever kicked his ass. No one's ever kicked his ass. And you wonder why he's walking around thinking he's Iron Mike. Whoop his ass once. Watch him think, Ross, I better not fuck with people bigger. Oh, shit, I better not mess with adults. Then when a policeman comes up, we'll have some respect. No one has any respect anymore
and crime rates are going up kids are out the fucking minds and everyone's sitting there going no no this is how we need to raise them now can't smack your child you smack your child even once even lightly you're a child abuser and you're gonna go to you're gonna go to jail so what all the times kids got hit throughout the 30s 40s 50s 60s 70 80s was wrong when the when society was still held together now society's lost his damn mind and you're saying this is the correct
I know I don't look that dark, but I got the brother within me. My son is getting a beat down when he fucks up He's gonna know My dad would be away at chess tournament for seven days I'd fuck up my mom would tell my dad and my dad on the phone would say see you in seven days son And that was seven days without sleep. I swear to God. I must be the most awake child on earth I did not sleep for weeks at a time. I'd be spending a week saying to mom. Can you tell dad I've been good? Can you tell dad I've been good? Please tell him I've been good. Please mom talk him out of it. Talk him out of it
week of cleaning the house, doing chores, dad came home, beatdown happened anyway. And no matter how many times I thought, but you know what? I was so afraid to beat that. I didn't sit and think, next time that happened, I didn't think, well, I'm not going to clean up. I'm not going to behave for the week. I was so afraid of the beatdown, even though being good for a week never once worked, clean the dishes, clean the house. It never once worked. I'd try again and again and again, some desperate attempt to prevent the beatdown, which was unpreventable. The unavoidable beatdown.
kids have no fucking discipline and people say oh i had a scottish dad your dad's a dick you're broke i can see on your facebook your car's shit you're going nowhere in life you're like 40 still getting the bus you want to tell me your dad raised you right obviously not chatting shit people have no idea unless they're a black parent in fact black parents are so good at raising their children i think they're almost too good my theory as to why you see like i know black guys who legit legit will fight 10 police officers but are afraid of their mom
legit and i think sometimes they're so good at raising their kids that that's the only person on earth left they fear like with their mom with a slipper they're like shit anyone else they're like you can't do to me what happened to me when i was a kid what you think you're a fucking special force bring it they don't give a fuck telling you man people don't know people don't know about it unless you went through it and people get when i tell people this story they get confused and say you're abused the child i was not one percent abused i would not go back and change a single
made me better than everybody. So thank the Lord I was raised the way I was raised. Thank the Lord I understood the difference between fucking up and not fucking up. It's not about being abused. It's about reward. You get rewarded when you do well, you get punished when you do bad. I was not 1% abused in any regard. And if some fucking hippie wants to come to my house and say, oh, his dad is abusing his children because he hits me with a belt when I fuck up, no. And if my child wants to get taken off me because he gets a beat down, go then. Go to a foster
be a cunt. I don't give a fuck what society says. My kid, if he fucks up, is getting beat down. It's the only way he's going to be raised. I'd rather not raise him than have him raised the way that all these children are raised nowadays.
You planning on having any kids soon? Boys only. Boys. Three boys. The next generation of Tates take over the world. Everybody know. Three boys. They're all going to get their asses kicked.
I think we should fear the Tate over. Fear the Tate over. It's coming.
- Right, hello and welcome back to the most expensive, occasionally offensive thing on the internet.
I'm your host, Dave.
Dave Tate to some.
Um...
And tonight, I'm joined willingly
So progress by kickboxing legit G.
And my good friend, Mr. Andrew Tate. How are ya?
I'm glad you put the G in there.
Yeah, well, you know, I'm obliging.
It's important.
Yeah, of course, of course.
As is.
as is this chat.
Why you got Christmas? Why you got...
Wow, this is festive-y.
This is a TV studio set.
Yeah, that's...
Kinder Santa.
Well I use my money, I've only got like 17 quid left and
Props.
Festive is nice to...
To the audience to feel festive. Christmas is the biggest crock of shit.
Ever. Ow.
Everything about Christmas is fucked up and it's bullshit.
People just spend their entire
They get all their money together from their shit wages and they spend money they haven't got. Whenever I read about someone who got in debt for Christmas, I think they should just be euthanized.
What do you mean you got in debt for it? There's always some dickhead in the magazine, isn't there? "I was trying to make my kids happy, so I got in debt for Christmas and it took me a whole year to pay it off."
You bought your unappreciative, spoiled prick kids things they didn't want and didn't need.
for one single day.
Let me tell you something. The people who... We're not going to answer the question now. No, listen. The people
who I love, know I love them.
If you're close to me, you can call me any day of the year and ask for 10 grand, you'll get it.
It doesn't have to be Christmas, it doesn't have to be the other day. So I have nothing to prove to anybody.
I don't have to go out and prove to people I love them, "I bought you some socks, I bought you some socks, please accept the fact that I love you." I would love some socks for Christmas. You're not getting a fucking thing. Because the people I care about know I care about them and they ain't fucking deserve a damn thing for Christmas.
I'm tired of little brat kids running around thinking they need shit. You know what I got for Christmas most of the time? Fuck all. And you know what I deserved? Fuck all. Good, I'm glad. I can believe parts of that.
But I disagree. Christmas
is a wonderful time of year.
It's a wonderful time of year for so many people.
One good thing.
Okay, listen.
I can buy myself anything I want any day of the year.
any day. I can buy myself anything I want. The only things I can't afford pretty much now on Earth, the only things I can't afford are a yacht or a jet.
Besides that, I can afford anything I want, and I don't know anyone rich enough who likes me enough to buy me those things.
So fuck Christmas. Name one good thing about Christmas.
well, off the top of my head.
food, stuffing,
Stuffing gets some relevance. Fuck Christmas. Fuck your TV show. We're not talking about stuff. Fuck Santa.
Santa can fuck himself, fuck Christmas, fuck the show. - Son.
*thud*
Impossible. Literally impossible to work with.
So, that went well.
The whole point of that
was meant to be to invite you
the viewers
to get in contact with me if you've got questions
for that.
Preferably not about Christmas.
Ho Ho Ho!
*music*
*Sigh*
Tough at work, as always. One...
Oh!
Hoooo!
Oh!
Thank you.
So, I don't know if you guys ever noticed, but...
Andrew gets quite upset.
about quite a lot of things.
and
goes off on one, a bit of a ranter.
So I came up with the idea
Um...
to keep it current
and necessary and make him sound less like
you know, a dated villain, like Hitler. Let's make him a modern villain.
Um...
So I came up with the idea of bothering him with something that's trending
every day
and just get his hateful thoughts on it.
So from now on,
It's going to be cooled. It's going to be a part of the show.
It's going to be called
offending
What's trending?
Cheers.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Not enough to say
Oh, yeah.
So...
I'm just gonna run you past a hashtag that was very popular.
Yeah.
You're not going to like it.
Ah, okay, let's just check this out. Basically,
The hashtag was
And
#whenifeelafraid
Okay? And then...
When I feel afraid is basically what you do when you're feeling scared. So an example would be: #When I feel afraid I watch the minions.
okay hashtag when i when i feel afraid i post cat pictures on instagram hashtag when i feel afraid i lock myself in the sauna hoping andrew isn't going to beat the out of me that's that one's irrelevant i don't know how that got there
But, #whenifeelafraid.
Yeah, you know,
Thank you.
If I was a better person, which I'm not, as much as I'd like to think I'm perfect, I'm not. If I was a better person, I'd stay off social media.
You know, like I genuinely think I'd be, I'm a happy guy. People say, oh, and Kate complains all the time. He's miserable. He's unhappy. He's unhappy. No.
I'm a happy, miserable bastard. The more miserable I am, the happier I feel.
So I'll let you work that math out, but the more I get to complain, I love nothing more than going to a Christmas party and saying, "This is shit."
The more I complain, the happier I am.
So I'm not a not unhappy person, but I know that the best life possible for me
would be to go to fucking take all my money
go to Bhutan or Tibet or somewhere no one can find me,
buy a house bigger than
A football field.
get some servants and just spend my whole life just doing martial arts in the garden
being a ninja, little bit of gardening, some press ups, whatever.
But I can't do that.
Because I like girls.
I love attractive women.
And that means I like to have a lot of attractive women. Which means I end up staying in the Western world with a fucking Aston Martin, and five-star hotels, and champagne, and all this dumb shit I don't even want.
because of girls. And social media is exactly the same. If I was a better person, I'd say, fuck Twitter, it's full of pricks. You've just completely confirmed to me that every single person, every single person besides Donald Trump himself, who's on Twitter, is a fucking moron. And I should delete my Twitter account instantly, but I don't because there's too many hot women who follow me.
So now I can't.
So I must admit I'm not as strong as I should be. I have a weakness.
I need to clean up my act.
Literally clean up my fucking axe.
- -
Yeah, let's go with Farrah.
I don't fancy pure
Good old fairy.
A fairy can fix everything.
- Yeah, we're gonna take
Just to be sure, you two never buy each other presents. Never.
Right. What? Every dollar that comes to my bank account is his dollar and my dollar. All of our bank accounts from various countries are all joint in our money. So why would I spend
half his money
on something he 0% lost.
whatever.
It's ridiculous. It's fruitless exercise.
Not even like a...
- Link's box set or something? - It's his money.
and my money. If he wants something, he'll take the money and buy it himself. If I want something, I'll take our money and buy it myself.
Why would I buy him anything?
Last one.
Hey, how are you doing?
Thank you.
So it's two, I'm in Bucharest, it's two, I'm still in Bucharest. Is it two invoices or one invoice?
of all of them.
- -
Okay, I have to pay both before I
They will let us take it.
It's about the package.
*thud*
Thank you.
Thank you.
So I have to give them 6,000 and they'll pay everything and if there's anything left, they'll give it to me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, are they going to be here tomorrow?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- In my house.
Yeah, okay.
-
Okay, I'll send that to you.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right, man. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Cheers.
9am.
I have to give them six grand.
I have to pay six grand to the Romanian government. It only cost you, the tax is going to cost you a lot.
- Thank you.
Six grand in late fees.
Customs.
there was not a certificate of fumigation to prove that it was
not didn't have some kind of killer bug in it or something, so they've had a few redated
charge me for that.
from Allah.
Six grand, I have to give them at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
these two guys.
Sebastian knows, we're going to get the package and load it on truck.
Take it back to the mouth.
So the boys don't like Christmas apparently, but I've got a little treat for them. You'll see. Let's just say it, in a galaxy far far away, I like Christmas.
This is everything that's wrong with Christmas right here.
Pandora for blokes who are feeling guilty and panicking. Unbelievable. It's not just fun, it's max fun.
I reckon that's Max there.
Just about to bowl.
It's like a young Leo Messi, doesn't it really?
I'm sorry.
I'm sure that's Andrew's kind of max fun right there.
Free tickets to Star Wars coming up.
He is gonna bloody love this.
*thud*
Look at this cinema.
Fucking incredible.
It's gonna be La La Land.
that I thought I'd avoid the musical. Probably not a fan of musicals. But apparently, mentally good.
Who's that? Oh, T-Dog?
Dave. So you man, the lad, how you doing?
- Too bad? - Pretty good. I'll tell you why. 'Cause you haven't got any fans tonight, have you?
Why? Cancel them.
100 a.m.
Cancel your nothing plans because we got three of the hottest tickets in town. Me, you, Andrew, Star Wars.
One, Star Wars is shit.
to Andrew Wungo.
Three, these are normal cinema tickets.
You don't have VIP in the cinema in England, do you? Do we? We don't do it. No, no. Not even in London? Don't think so.
*Sigh*
I'll give you a go, but I have to buy them once. It's important.
Thank you.
That's literally the last of my money. I'll buy new ones.
And I'll get him to go, but he's not going to this normal ass cinema. You ever been to a VIP cinema?
No.
Fuck, you're dead mate. How is Star Wars shit? Star Wars is the worst conceivable. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, they all look like humans. The most advanced technology they can use to kill each other is a fucking light sword.
Today you're going to be walking down the street in a drone being killed from the sky, but these fucking advanced aliens who have built spaceships the size of a moon have a sword made of light?
Okay, then don't even waste my time with Star Wars. Don't even start me on it. Load of all shit, don't wanna see it, never seen any movie, that'll be the first Star Trek movie I ever go to. I'm bored, let's go to the cinema, but I'm not going to the normal one. So what's in the VIP?
- Just, uh...
You really, you're waiting for a fucking surprise.
Remember this, remember this, people, Romania is a shithole, people. Watch this.
What's this?
Thank you.
I don't know what's going on.
Just free my cinema tickets in the bin.
In the bin.
I'm gonna get a macaroon as well.
You just bought a 20-lay cake for a spoonful. Is that correct? I want the rest. I just wanna taste it. I'm always that way with desserts. Marks and Spencer's in Romania. Mentor.
Thank you.
Here we are.
It's happening. VIP. Star Wars.
Rogue one for one rogue.
CIP, how can you possibly be angry with that?
Mento. Volavance. Welcome to the cinema, mate. The cinema. Just see the movie. To video, whatever.
So, first dinner in one.
I don't think they do do hot dogs
- What?
I really don't think they do hot dogs. That's a bar. No, it's like a roast dinner in one sliver.
- What? - No, you go.
I mean, the movie the same. Hey, that's for you. That's for you. Thank you very much, Irving.
We appreciate it very much.
just before the film.
Hey, you want a beer?
Why you look so surprised?
- It's the cinema. - Listen, this is the cinema. You go to cinema, you don't get this in England? You don't get ice buckets of beer for free? - Crab legs. - We get those. - How much does it cost? 'Cause it costs me nothing. - About a tenner.
Yeah, alright, it's free.
For me, it's free.
We go to the VIP. Why is this beer still full?
I imagine you've got an answer, is that? I don't know if I'm mad enough to neck wine, but you are. Oh, mate, you're not going to neck the wine, is it? You are.
The boys clearly didn't like Star Wars. They spent most of the time on their phones.
and completely ruined the film for me with their alcohol. So I don't remember Star Wars at all.
In case you can't read that, it says, "Fuck Star Wars, I would bust a Jedi in the face."
That's what Andrew said to me during the film.
You better hurry up with your fucking drink, you little worm. We gotta get drunk. Start boozing, stop drinking.
I'll never kill you up my face first. I'll never kill you up my face first. I'll never kill you up my face first.
It's Christmas Eve out in the drop tank.
and the man said to me
fancy an energy drink
necessary after last night.
What was I doing?
What do I need to hang over? Godzilla?
Basically,
People were going to think, "Oh, bloody hell, he's rough. He's had a terrible night, obviously. He'd be out clubbing, partying."
Long.
I went to see Star Wars.
I promise.
Just filming you in the buffet in the background.
- Thank you.
hors d'oeuvres
You've never been to a cinema before.
We were in and everything else was
There was popcorn, there was nachos, all three.
there was beer, buckets of beer, hence why I don't remember the film.
wine, there was wine, there was shots of vodka,
It just ruined Star Wars in many ways, but...
There was fucking vol-a-bots. I mean... That's a bar. Nah, it's like a roast dinner in one sliver.
What more?
They didn't pay, they don't have a problem paying for it, I think they've made that clear.
Um...
But
Oh, and also, this is right. You're supposed to mix this, isn't it?
Mental. Volavance. Look at the cinema, mate. The cinema. Just see the movie.
Yeah, so basically the best cinema in the world. VIP.
Everything's free. In a country far far away known as Romania.
cinemas
You don't want one.
Excel.
I think it's quite clear.
everybody
needs to come to Romania.
Anyone watching this? You have to
VYP in England, we don't have
You've seen him on it.
He's a trap.
Let's be honest, people who go to the proper cinemas, before I was in this room, I used to go to the Compton cinema, which is a
Fantastic little cinema, you might get £2.50 a film, can't go wrong.
What they don't have is unlimited beer for $2.50.
Thank you.
I do it with my own.
you
I'll never kill not my sick, but... Yep. Every film would end in the same pile of sick, for knobheads like me.
On the plus side, you could watch your...
favorite film over and over again and still never remember it. It's the dream.
Hello and thank you for rejoining the most expensive and offensive thing on the internet at the moment. We're in beautiful Bucharest. Bucharesti to the local. It's not. And, let's get this way. Bucharesti to the local. And, yeah, it's a beautiful day out there. It was and the beer is flowing.
And I'm luckily joined by
Both tape rubbers, willingly.
Sign.
How you doing guys?
Always good. Always good, me too. Andrew?
He's fine. Okay, cool. The reason we're here is because
Some of our many viewers have actually got back to me and emailed in some questions. Pretty interesting stuff.
So we'll kick off with Alex Foster, World Illustrator of the Year.
Is he actually? He's actually the World Illustrator of the Year. That's a real thing. 2015. He's the best drawer in the world. I'm not going to go into camera and say he's the best drawer, but he's won the award. For being the best drawer? Yeah. In the world. Possibly. There's no one on the planet who can draw better than him. Buster, I do apologise for what you're about to get yourself in. But he's obviously chatting shit. No, it's an award. He's not chatting shit. Someone's given him the award. Well, he shouldn't be. I got this award undeserving.
I am not the best. Did the person who gave the award look at the drawings of every person who could draw on Earth? Probably not. I'm not gonna... It's not Santa Claus. He didn't look at my drawing. If that person looked at my drawing, he wouldn't have won.
You're ready to concede your title there, Alex Foster. Alex Foster, anyway, he's a huge fan of the show, no matter what his drawings are, and he asks, "Why is Andrew so angry?"
I don't think I am that angry. I think I have a very healthy, normal, masculine attitude towards the world. You have to understand that society is often, often, in most cases, if you look at society and how society has been built for us to survive, it's actually very, very different from our evolutionary processes. Like, the evolutionary process of a man is very different from the societal process of a man. I do not believe that the societal process of a man is how men want to be.
If you if you look at how most men act if you just give them free reign most men want to act very similar to how I act. I Mean people beat here's here's proof of it People watch this and go takes a horrible person Why not a horrible person because I like the idea of being strong and rich. I like the idea of having ten blondes Whatever so I like the idea of just having cash be big go where I want having beautiful women. I'm not hurting nobody
Why? Because society told them that man's not supposed to be this way. But evolutionarily, of course a man's supposed to be this way. A man's supposed to hunt and fight and run around and do whatever he wants to do. That's how humans have evolved. So societal pressure and evolutionary pressure is the next step. Absolutely.
Anger was very much a key component to men for a very long time. Humans, since the beginning of time, have picked up a rock, melted it down, made a sword, so it's better at killing than a rock. They went through that effort, and then they start walking in a direction, like the Romans walked to England. No fucking thing on that. No fuck knows where. And as soon as they see a bunch of people, they kill all the dudes, shag all the girls. That was humans. That's how humans work. Now we're humans. Is it now we're humans?
I'm out here doing a pretty similar thing. Knocking people out, traveling the world, trying to find some fitties. And I'm a bad guy. It's true. I'm just what a man should be. And I haven't let society tell me I'm supposed to get married, hold her hand, look at the baby, pretend I care about the baby. No one gives a shit about a baby. I mean sure you care about your kids when he's two or three. He might talk a little. But no man cares about babies. Babies are boring. No man wants to sit at home with a baby. When I see a man talking about his baby's first Christmas, I know he doesn't want to do that. His wife told him he has to do that.
So my anger is a very natural thing for a human to have and a lot of men don't have anger anymore because they let society tell them that it's not okay to be angry. It's perfectly okay to be angry as long as you direct it towards something worth doing. So a lot of angry men have ended up in jail. I've ended up in jail. I have no criminal record. I've taken all my anger and I've put it towards things which are constructive. I've used my anger in a very positive way. When everyone else was too tired to train, too lazy to train or too exhausted, I was too angry to quit.
I've worked really hard, I'm gonna have a day off. I was too angry to have a day off, 'cause I want more money in my bank. So I'm gonna become a millionaire. So my anger has been directed towards things which are very, very positive. I've not hurt anybody, I've not done anything wrong. And I think that it's absolutely, completely natural for men to be angry. And if you take away society, I think every man on Earth would be angry. I think it's just society says, "Don't be angry. "No, don't do me angry, no, don't do that. "Don't have sex with girls. "No, don't have fun. "Don't enjoy your life. "No, no, no, no, no. "Get married, quickly, get married, quick, quick, get married." - You could argue that some of the most successful men in the world are actually angry. Look at, just off the top of my head,
- More than Ramsey. - Absolutely. - More than fucking Ramsey. - There's a fire inside of you that makes you want to achieve more than the norm. Contentment is absolutely an enemy. If you're content with a normal life, you're going to end up with a normal life.
If you're content with having a normal life, you can end up with a normal life. If you're not content with a normal life, you can end up with something else. And that's a choice you have to make. I was never content with an average life. I knew the only way I'd be happy is if I was rich enough to do whatever I wanted. Being constrained by finances or being constrained by a job I had to turn out back was never going to allow me to be happy. People in those situations are happy. They're like, oh, I've got my wife, I've got my job, and I'm happy. That's your decision.
having even the idea of having to live some kind of normal life is what is what brought me this amazing life so I'm very happy I'm angry I can't remember a day where I haven't been angry I'm angry and happy I'm not miserable I'm a happy angry guy I'm smiling through my rage but you know it's a very powerful tool when it's correctly directed so why am I so angry because I'm an evolutionary throwback to a real G I'm an alpha male is how it is Alex Foster I hope that illustrates
I'm not angry, just look at that. I can move pressure.
Next question comes from a man called B.Styles. B.Stylish. Claims to be the smiliest scanner in any German budget supermarket ever. So he's a happy, happy chill boy. Like, no offense, but I don't know you, but when they finally do, I mean I can just imagine on the news them saying Britain's biggest pedophile and it's like some footage of a smiling guy in there.
ring like that you are creeping people out a bit. Yeah I completely agree with him. In fact I'm ready to testify that's almost certainly true. How and why did you first get into kickboxing is what the pedophile asked. I first got into kickboxing because there were kids at the gym. Okay Mr. Pedophile. The reason I first got into kickboxing is because normal life is bullshit. I don't know why other people don't understand this. When I say money is happiness people
People go, "Money isn't happiness." Of course it is. How can the freedom to go where you want, eat what you want, do what you want, live where you want, drive what you want, pretzels, how can that not make you, if that can't make you happy, jump off a fucking bridge. Because if that can't make you happy, nothing can make you happy. Money is pretty much everything besides health. As long as you've got your health, and you've got your family, money's the third most important thing. And people say, it's funny, weird, it's really weird. When you say like, "Oh, that guy's really rich." They go, "Yeah, but I bet he's unhappy,
How the fuck is my man lonely? Well, a multi-millionaire is lonely. He has more time to see his family, more time to get laid than you do working your shit job. The multi-millionaire is not lonely. See, the poor people believe that the rich people are secretly unhappy for some reason. The rich people are not unhappy. The rich people have got life done. They're not unhappy. They've got more girlfriends and more mates than you'll ever have. You know? So money is absolutely happiness. So I knew that from a very young age. And when I didn't have money, I was pissed off. I was pissed off. I started kickboxing because I was pissed off. I was 15.
on a council estate. I remember being in London and I saw a Ferrari drive past and everyone else was like, "Wow, they ruined my day." Legit ruined my day. I was like, "Fuck it." Went home, this is the early days of the internet, you know, from an old man. Went home, typed to Ferrari and to Google, saw the price tag and was like, "Are you fucking joking? I'm never going to have one of those." I was furious. I was pissed off for like two weeks just sitting there like, "How can I, you know, my 15 year old brain should work out to get 250 grand in the bank." It's all pissed off. So I thought, "Fuck it, I'm just gonna punch someone." You know, and
Instead of being stupid and a lot of people in that situation, because I'm not unique, a lot of people in that situation are the people who take a life for crime or drug dealing or whatever. I thought, you know what, let's put it into sub-constructive. I'm going to go kickboxing. And that was it. I was generally just pissed off, bored, and I needed something to fill my time. Well, most 15-year-olds are busy going on Facebook or watching TV and all the time you've spent doing shit that doesn't matter, I've spent doing kickboxing. It's amazing because people say to me, "Oh, I ain't got the time to kickbox." I guarantee you do. If you took all the hours you spent watching series on Netflix and put it into kickboxing,
good for me, I'm a man. But you'd be at a point. Throughout my life I've cut out all the bullshit. I've never watched a Netflix series. Ever. I can watch Breaking Bad from start to finish or I can become a pilot. Which one's worth my time? Breaking Bad's pretty good. I've dedicated time to something that matters. I was a kickboxer girl pissed off because I realised that normal life's bullshit. Now I'm a millionaire, I'm a little bit less angry and I don't fight as much. There's no coincidence that
the richer I've become, the less I've wanted to fight. Some fighters fight for different reasons. A lot of boxers who make millions, and they fight for different reasons, that's fine. But for me, I haven't fought much in the last two years, because I'm fucking loaded. So, what do I want to fight for? You know, I can go to any point on this earth. You point to a place on a map, I can go, and we can get fucking hammered. So what do I need to fight for? - I don't even like kickboxing myself, so yeah, let's do that one. - Yeah, exactly. - Let's do the second option.
you
Macca Mitchell. The next question comes from Macca Mitchell, the forgotten Mitchell brother. He says he's loving the videos. Is he actually a Mitchell brother? Like actually? Probably not, but his name is Macca Mitchell. You have a great quirky way about you, Dave. Quirky. Never been a fan of that word. Not cool. I'm interested to know, he asks, I would like to see or hear the brothers talk about adversity.
by asking the lessons that help them go from broke to rich.
First things first, if you're watching this right now, whoever's watching this, you've already won the lottery. You've already won the natural lottery which happens on this earth because your circumstances and your abilities to achieve things in life are completely based on where you're born. If you're born in Yemen to a goat herding family, you're going to herd goats. And you're never going to drive a big A.
You could name one of your goats Bagatti. That's the closest you could come. And you could ride a Bagatti all the time. You could fuck a Bagatti. Yeah. Loot holes. There's always loot holes. There's always loot holes. But my point is that if you're born in certain places on the surface. There's always goat holes. Sorry. Goat holes. I like that. Go ahead. If you're born in certain places on the surface, you don't stand a chance. And we talk about like, I've seen the paper, there's no social mobility in England. Most of the people who are born rich stay rich. Most people who are born poor stay poor. There's no social mobility. Well, obviously. But we have a lot more social mobility than a lot of places on earth. Like if you're born in the rural,
India then you're fucked. So if you're born in the Western world you have pretty much no excuse to not be as rich as you want to be. I'm not saying everyone should want to be rich. If your goal is to do something else, you know, make art or be happy or whatever bollocks, save the animals, go do your shit. But if you want to be rich then you have no excuse to not be rich. Because people say I want to be rich, I'd love to be rich. But they don't really mean it because if they really meant it they'd prioritize it. In life you can only prioritize certain things. I prioritize kickboxing. Which means when my friends are out doing getting
drunk and shagging bitches, I was fighting. That's why I became good at it. If you prioritize making money and you put that above other things, you're gonna make money. So people don't prioritize it. They say, "Oh, I'd love to be rich." And then they work their job and they go home and watch TV. Why haven't they got a second job? Why haven't they got their own business to run the evening? Well, "Oh, I'm tired. Oh, I need to keep the kids some food." Bollocks excuses. You can make a sandwich, fuck them. You know, it's just excuses. People make excuses and then they sit and say, "Oh, it's the conservatives' fault I'm not rich." Or, "The UK government doesn't let anyone get rich." Or, "They tax me too much." - Breaks it.
It's Brexit's fault. No, you're just a cunt. If you really wanted to be rich, you'd be rich. So, yes, I've worked normal jobs, but the reason I'm rich now is because I understood that I genuinely wanted to be rich. So whoever sent this question in, how many jobs do you work? If the answer's one and not two, or if the answer's one and you don't own your own business on the side, well then it's your own fault. You know, there was a long time, Tristan can verify, we both had normal jobs and was running our own business in the evenings, trying to put money in the bank. And it didn't work for a long time.
want to be normal people having a normal wage. And everyone says they don't want to be a normal person with a normal wage, but they continue to live a normal life with a normal wage and don't do anything about it. No one on this planet is going to wake up and think, I want to make that person's life better. No one's going to wake up and go, you know what, Andrew's a great guy, I'm going to make Andrew rich. No one's going to do besides me. I'm the only person who can wake up and think, I'm going to make myself rich. So if you aren't thinking that about yourself, then who the fuck's going to think it for you? Nobody. No government tax policy.
got sort of Phil, Graham, Billy and Peggy looking out for him, isn't it? Because he's a Mitchell. But otherwise he's alone and lost cause. Do you know what I mean? He needs to start introducing a proper food menu in the Queen Vic. Exactly. Put some money in the back. Exactly. You're very lucky that my mum used to watch that terrible show ten years ago and I've got the memory of a genius. Because I haven't watched TV in two years and I still beat your stupid joke. Thank you very much. Stupid joke. So yeah, that's the point. So he's saying, oh, this guy's a gangversity, how do I become rich?
and you don't play a video game ever again, and start concentrating on making money. If you enjoy making money, it's all you're going to end up doing anyway. It hasn't even got to be a job. All I ever cared about was making money. It's all I ever enjoyed. So of course it's all I did. And now, oops, I'm loaded. That's how it works. Accidents happen.
to stay here. Okay, last question. How they became entrepreneurs and did they ever work? You've kind of done it. You've kind of done it. Yeah, I've kind of done it. Yeah, we did work normal jobs, became entrepreneurs by just trial and error. Nothing works the first
And it's prioritizing. Like I said, I know so many people who put their friends, their family, their social life, their Netflix series, their soap operas. All these things come above making money and then they wonder why they don't have money. You're like, how far down the list do you want to put it and still manage to pull it off? You know, you have to put it number one. You put it number one, you'll make money. You don't put it number one, you'll never make money. It's really that simple. You're born in the Western world. You're born in a rich country. There's no excuse for not to have as much money as you want to have. If you want the pretzel, take the pretzel. That's basically what Andrew's saying.
Unless someone else steals it and then you're fucked.
So, right so basically Christmas Day
Romania!
wrong
Probably the worst Christmas night I've ever had in my life.
Tell you why.
Number one, it felt like I was on the Gaza Strip.
Location not the Gaza Strip. Fireworks, apparently, but...
That didn't fucking sound like fireworks, I'll tell you that.
Number two
Finally gets to sleep despite the gunfire and the bloodshed out there.
And I'm awoken up at 5am. I'm awoken up at 5am by banging on the door that I can only associate with the feeling of I'm about to be kidnapped or raped.
Okay? Bang bang bang bang bang
First thing in the world is in the middle of the night. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
I started bollock naked, didn't know what to do, wrapped myself in the towel and said, "Who's at the door?"
"Dave we need to go now, there's a fight!" Okay? There's a fight.
Why is he coming to get me? I don't know. But at the time it made sense.
Okay, he wanted it filmed. He wasn't calling for backup. Although...
Would have been a bloody good decision because
- -
Double odd.
Um...
So yeah, it dragged me out into the middle of nowhere
There's no fight.
He's giving it the big bollocks. There's a fight, you've got to fucking film it. Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up.
Look, it's steaming at this point.
into the middle of nowhere
into some house,
Him and Andrew pissing themselves.
Merry fucking Christmas.
So that's first thing of the Christmas morning.
But at the same time,
It is Christmas.
Thank you.
In Romania?
So, I'm not gonna let these fuckers until, to be honest,
they've probably got the most mental Christmas dinner. I'm talking pigs in blankets, I'm talking bird upon bird upon bird.
They've probably got some pig, they've probably got a pig with an apple in its mouth.
Like, my mum does a decent roast.
Yes.
But I've really... This... I've given up two months of my life for this job. Christmas Day was one of the big, like, "Yes, let's fucking have a proper...
feast on Christmas.
So...
Can't wait to see what they've got planned.
All hail the ron.
So what are we doing? It's Christmas Day here, Tate side. December 25th, correct.
Christmas, much joyous day on earth. You hungry? Starving. Can't wait. What have we got? Pigs in blankets. I imagine it's bird upon bird upon bird. Like it usually is for you two fellas.
You'll see, there's this place that prepares a big Christmas dinner for everyone. Fantastic. You pay something about like three or four quid. You get like a Christmas dinner and a drink. Fantastic. I imagine it's like what, a fucking big pig with an apple in its mouth or something really weird and European. Yeah, something like that. Can't bloody wait. Pretty close.
Carresti the bestie.
Here we are Dave. Here we are. Is it Toyota? Don't think so.
You're on the side or are you hitting the drive -thru? Oh for fuck's sake. You're not excited about Christmas. You think I do drive -thru or? That's not Christmas. Drive -thru. Drive -thru. That's not Christmas. What? They don't do pigs. We're going to McDonald's on Christmas Day. I do.
It's Christmas. Hello. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Christmas nuggets. Do they do pigs and blankets? One moment. Give me those little pies. Can I have a dessert? This, this, what's it called? This, this pie. That's your Christmas pudding, is it? Yeah. Apple pies. Listen, McDonald's is what I do at Christmas. I'm fucking sitting around with all these other motherfuckers. Oh, I've cooked dinner. I did it at first.
English roast dinner is a shit, especially for Christmas dinner.
Can I get a Christmas burger? Can I do a Christmas burger? Three coffee. With milk? No. I don't know. Thank you. Can I get a burger? A Christmas burger? Sorry. This is a stressful Christmas dinner. One cappuccino, two black coffee. One cappuccino, two coffee. On a serious note, can I get the Christmas burger? No. No.
medium. Thank you.
Ho ho ho man. Let me tell you a story. That's why I'm having McDonald's Christmas dinner. Because Christmas dinner is extremely similar to a British roast dinner. And British people love their roast dinners because they think they're good. If you ask any English person, you can't beat a good roast, you can't beat a good, you can beat a good roast because roast dinners are fucking awful. Whenever I'm in England, I eat Jamaican.
and colonize it. To the least now we got a whole bunch of Jamaican food, a whole bunch of Indian food. Preach. All this other food from other places that we took over. Thank God. This English food is fucking awful. When I first ever came to this country, let me tell you a story about roast dinners and why they're shit. When I first ever came to this country, everyone was saying to me, can't be a good roast, can't be a good roast. And I was like, waiting for five minutes. Okay. Sure. Here. Okay. Merry Christmas.
They were like, you can't be a good roast. Can't be a good roast dinner. It's the best
it can't be a good roast dinner and then i was like what's so good about it they're like yorkshire puddings i was like your sure puddings i didn't know what your pudding was so they're like your your pudding your pudding oh you can't i can't have a roast without yorkshire's i'm imagining a pudding like some kind of cake or some like what the is this the best thing ever and it comes out and it is dry stale bread the worth with some great the worst thing you have no idea how much they hype people hype yorkshire puddings and you don't know what one is oh yorkshire pudding you'll have a roast and you have yorkshire's yeah yorkshire's it's
Krusty shit and from that point onward I've hated roast dinners. I hated English people because as soon as I came here you fucking deceived me all you bastards deceived me all you fuckers deceived me lying to me about fucking Yorkshire's pretending there's something good when they're fucking awful. Listen to me fuck Christmas fuck Yorkshire puddings fuck roast dinners. Nuggets mate. When I finally do conquer this earth England will be punished. There will be retribution for the day that my fucking heart was broken after my expectations were built up to the pudding. Why call it a pudding? It's not even a pudding. I'm from America man.
It would be some fucking like triple layer cheesecake shit. Fucking Yorkshire's. Fuck. Now seems like a good time to get your opinion on Christmas pudding.
You're going to get your Christmas pudding in a minute. It comes out in a McDonald's bag. An apple pie. Uh-huh. If Christmas puddings were good, it would just be a dessert that people ate regularly. I mean, every fucking Sunday people were eating desserts. Chocolate cake, this cake. Why not just make the Christmas pudding, the ingredients for a Christmas pudding, and eat it every Sunday? Why don't they do that? Because it's shit. Because it's shit.
weird tradition. If it was a good dessert, people would just make it and eat it. So we're not having any pigs in blankets, we're not going to have any stuffing, we're just having... Nuggets mate, nuggets. We're having nuggets. Nuggets.
There was Christmas Day