Transcript
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Aha! Luke! Haha!
I'm going to go.
It's time to do a take speech.
But why not do it then?
I fucked them. When I have to go and fucking sit on the desk, talk to everybody. I can talk to everybody where I want.
This is the layers where the magic happens.
This is where your girl was last night.
Living a good life.
You know, it's cool. I think that knife is something. That's my...
overt weaponry I've got hidden weaponry I
You know me, I'm that guy with the blicky. When I sleep, I put the war room cameras on my TV.
So if I hear any noise and I wake up, I can check the cameras who's where. So check this. You try and break it to Tate's house, right? I'm sleeping. Bitches. Three bitches.
I wake up. I hear a noise. Check the cameras. I see people. I can reach for the Glock.
I can get up and say, you know what? Them motherfuckers want to fucking go. You want to go? Let's go. I swear. The day you see me walk outside, this is a watermelon sword. Remember the watermelon sword? I do remember the watermelon sword. Here it is.
And I'll go watermelon on your ass. I come naked in my underwear.
Try me. You can try me.
That's not it.
Obviously we have free security guards here at the compound, but I got hidden panic clubs because we own casinos.
You can't own casinos. When you own casinos, you have two kinds of security. I have two forms of security, right? So I've got the official security, which you press the button and the official security button, and the unofficial security you press and they roll up straps to hurt people.
Like if you really pissed me off, I press the other button.
And I got those buttons around the house. So behind those flowers, I can boom. I come out with the sword. Two minutes later, my boys rolled up strapped. Come back my house.
Come at me. I'm a mob boss now. You ain't gonna come to my house and pick my shit. No. Someone's dying.
Probably all of us. It'll be a fucking bloodbath.
Some of the coolest things about the in-reach.
Would you like coffee?
Sure. Have you ever woke up in bed Luke and thought, "I don't want to go outside because outside, my brother and my cousin exist and they're both pricks." So I'm going to stay in my room, have my morning coffee, leave my door locked, and
and just basically refused to exist anywhere outside of my room. Have you ever done that?
No.
Well, that's what I do. Remember that day when I was refusing to talk to you? Yeah. I had coffee.
Thank you.
*sniff*
Well, we're talking about rich people shit.
I want all the peasants and peons.
and the broke boys, 62k.
All the commoners. I want to give them a rundown on which rich people's shit is good, and which rich people's shit is bad.
Because people are always like, "If I go rich, I just sit on a beach."
That's why you'll never be rich, bro.
Like that's your, your life goal. Your life goals are just still to be to do nothing.
What a shitty life goal. My life goal was to build a compound in an Eastern European nation.
Get security, have ninja swords, hidden weapons, 26 supercars. These are my life goals. Unlimited females, diamond watches, all this cool shit.
What are your lights?
to go to Spain.
Cheeks.
Machines give me hot water, not coffee.
Luke, have you cursed my machine?
I may have.
Thank you.
Maybe I need to force it in.
Bye.
Oops.
Went too deep. Real cheese, no. Try again.
Let's try again. That felt more
Thank you.
Real. Let's try it.
This is your coffee loop.
Thanks. This is my curse coffee.
Boom. In the game. Nespresso. George Clooney ain't got shit on me.
Come on, George. Come on, Clooney.
Say something.
You gotta say shit to me. I was in the ER. You're a pussy!
But anyway!
The peasants.
The peons, the people who are not
at my level of success are never ever going to get here and they're sitting around dreaming of things so i need to tell them which things are actually good which things are actually bad
So yeah, you're all hoping, "Yeah, one day I'll get to sail on the beach." That's why you're broke, bro. That's why you'll always be broke. Your life ambition is to do no work.
My life ambition was to do more work, have more things, build a bigger empire, get a fucking huge house and loads of cars and Romania and swords and too many girlfriends. You'd be fucking crazy. Your life ambition. Ooh, cocktail. Dork. Dink.
I'm going to move.
One for you, one for me.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheers.
So, uh...
Sitting on a beach doing fucking nothing is not a life goal. And if you think it is,
You want to lose it.
The next life goal, which is shit, or rich people think which is shit, is champagne. Champagne is the most overrated crap. Yeah, I buy a lot of champagne.
In fact, it's not even for the bitches. I buy champagne to buy more than everyone else to prove that I'm the big G. Top G. If you watch the emergency meeting, you will know that my new name is officially Top G. You know what's funny? What's funny is I know exactly what I'm talking about all of the time.
I'm the top G, so if I walk in the club,
I pull up in the most expensive car.
And I buy the most champagne.
And I leave sober with the most girls and go home. Top G.
But champagne, in and of itself is shit. Caviar.
Okay.
Literally.
But I'm not allowed to say that. I saw the eggs. They were all men. I saw what was going on. It was this tight container, too close to my liking.
Caviar's Bullshit.
Thank you.
Why would I tell rich people? Let's move on from rich people stuff. Let's talk about all stuff that's overrated.
Now I'm thinking about it, my mind is racing with a huge amount of things that people seem to enjoy that are massively overrated.
Life is over it, besides supercars.
Flexing on the broke boys.
and building an empire, everything's overrated.
Traveling, I'd love to go traveling. You'd love to go to Spain and sit in a hotel, walk around the streets.
Have a coffee, have a cocktail, look at church.
and then you'd like to fly to Italy,
Go to a hotel.
Have a coffee, walk around the streets, look at church.
Woo! Traveling geek!
I hate traveling. I only travel for money.
Yeah, I'm traveling all the time for money.
Tate, please come here. I'll give you $3 million. We can open this big business. We can conquer Earth. Please come. And I have to get up, get dressed, get on my jet.
Maybe I'm coming, but I ain't coming for a fucking holiday. What to look around?
Oh, this is lovely.
Traveling is gay.
That was bullshit.
Building an empire in one place is cool. It's much cooler for me to be here with all my hidden guns and panic buttons and cameras and swords and bitches and coffee machines. That's much cooler than any fucking traveling.
I got straps in my wardrobe, bro. Look at the wardrobe. Show them the wardrobe.
What suit am I gonna wear? What fucking God? Brother G! Like that.
Thank you.
I'm going to say it right here in case the police roll up.
You're all allowed guns in Romania.
But you are allowed guns in your shooting range.
So I need my house registered as a shooting range. Bro, if you don't know me, you don't allow guns. There's a shooting range over there. Well, there's a shooting range. I'm a shooting range.
Well, how are your shooting range? Because I'm the fucking top G. If I can open a casino, you think I can't get the paperwork to be a shooting range?
This is a business establishment. And I'm a huge man. And come to my fucking house, you're the target.
Thank you.
But we're going a little bit off here because I'm trying to talk about things overrated. I'm too busy.
Let's talk about the most overrated thing on earth.
There's two things that are probably the most overrated on her.
No, three things. And they all involve sex.
The three sexual activities are all super duper.
Overrated.
One.
Thank you.
Three stars.
Now I know you dudes are sitting there going, "Oh, threesome would be crazy!" Because you never fight. All I did was, threesomes were basically my cardio for my fight career.
All I did was three songs. It was like, I used to pray for the days I had one beach.
Please, there's not two. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's time for bed and there's two of them. They're still here.
Threesomes are annoying. Now you've got two kinds. You've got the ones where the girls are really into it. They're okay.
But usually it's both of them like you and they kind of half like each other.
And now you're just gonna fuck two hoes. There's legs everywhere.
Like you're trying to fuck one bitch, this other bitch looks bored to her out. Pick up shit. It's law. It's like all this effort. Trying to like fuck her, fuck back and forth.
It's bullshit. Threesomes suck.
And I'm an expert at them. I know exactly how to do them. It's like a new art. If you've had one or two threesomes, you can't do threesomes. When you've had 500 threesomes, you know the game. I know how to do it when they like each other, hate each other. I know how to do it. They hate each other and they hate me. I know how to do all of it.
But they're shit.
Threesomes are a pain in the ass. You don't get to enjoy it. It's like taking a beautiful bottle of whiskey.
and some premium vodka.
and put them in the same glass.
And you're just kind of like...
I got a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of titties, a little bit of pussy. This is just nasty.
It would have been better just to have some vodka.
Sober up.
that have some whiskey.
Next sexual act, which is bullshit, sex on a beach.
Now, I know you broke boys don't know about this one.
When you're traveling around the world in jets and bubble, you're on the beach, some beach,
Some ho finds you on Instagram. Oh, hi. You're so rich and sexy.
Sit on the beach, some bitch. Sun's going down.
You're chilling. And you're kind of thinking, you know what, this is a little bit romantic. We're just sitting on the beach, just you and me.
And she starts like hugging you, trying to hope she gets fucked. And I'm just like, there is no way I'm getting, there's sand and shit, dirt, like fucking rocks, dirt.
And she needs to be so romantic for me to grab her and like have sex with her in the surf of the waves. I know another reason these broke boys don't know about this is because obviously I don't go to private beaches. I don't go to no fucking broke boy beach with kids and shit right around. No, I'm on private beaches.
It's me, her, and Beach.
Have they been on an empty beach before?
Oh, shut up. Just all like, oh, so romantic. I know what you want. I'm getting...
Sand in my fucking dick. Sand in my face.
Sand in your hair, sand in your pussy.
We stand everywhere.
There's nothing sexy about it. You've worked in too many movies. No. You know what? It may not seem very sexy for me to go to you.
Stop right there. Get up. Pack up. Go. Uber. Hotel. Check in. Get new keys. I haven't bring my key. Go into the room. And then fuck you. You may not think that's sexy, but I guarantee that's more sexy than you're covered in fucking sand.
Track.
The last sexual act that she takes to Biscuit as the shittest sexual act in history
is sex in the shower.
I don't know, where are these chicks? What movie?
They saw sex in the showering.
Because it defies the laws of physics.
Did you know that Luke? No. Sex in the shallow, my genes. Defies the laws of physics.
Because with the running war...
The natural puss juice gets taken away. Like, when I say sex in the shower, this also counts for jacuzzis and pools.
Fuck them all.
And like the pussy's drier than ever.
Because like it's water everywhere, soap and shit. And like it's hard to get it in. And then like I'm big.
They're all small, but the shower's small, so you're kind of like this.
And then, like, you have no grit because it's all slippery.
She's like, "Oh, yeah. It's not sexy. It's not romantic. She's trying to kiss you. There's water in her hair."
I just put it to say, turn off the shower. Get dry. Go to bed. It's fucking out of control. This shit is out of control. Sex in the shower has never been good, ever.
It's the worst thing.
So this text feature is supposed to be about
What the fuck was this supposed to be about? Basically, I'm the top G. And if you're not watching the emergency meetings, you won't know what that's about.
But you should.
And for anyone who wants to test
My top G credentials.
You can come to my house any day. If you get past security layer one and security layer two, get to the final fucking boss.
me
*outro music*
Yeah.