Transcript
*BOOM*
One of these.
Train tickets. 31 hours by train.
That means 31 hours of non-stop
Boozing with your cousin. No!
*Bang*
Finally! Finally we start thinking!
Jesus Christ, I need a drink. Pones have been four hours. I mean, me, ten minutes.
We need to stop drinking. Oh, I need to stop drinking. I'm not going to take confidential why, but I have now become, next week and a half, the world's worst alcoholic.
Hello. Hi. Welcome on board. My name is Andrea. I see you all on Instagram. It's Christmas. You're chilling with your family. You're drinking. You're getting fat. And you're waiting for the New Year to make any significant changes in your life.
something. That is absolutely and utterly amateur. That is what amateurs do. And the reason I can say that's what amateurs do is because that's what everyone does. And everybody's a fucking amateur. This week in between Christmas and New Year is perhaps the most wasted week of the year. Nobody does anything significant. You're sitting around, it's just been Christmas, and you just want to wait, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. If you start at the same time as everybody else, you don't have an advantage over everybody else. If you're going to run a race, you want to go first, don't you?
really need that little bit of extra motivation to not be a lazy piece of shit? Do you need to see a number one on the calendar to get up and get your work done? It's the day after Christmas, the jet's fueled, jumping on the plane, and I'm going out into the streets to make money. And I have a bunch of money and I'm up working. So I don't know how you can stay at home with no money and think, oh, I don't need to go work right now. I can wait for the new year. No, you fucking cannot wait. You absolutely cannot wait for the new year. Whatever your resolutions are, they should have been fixed before Christmas. And if they're not fixed before Christmas,
It's not when the new year comes. Don't be an amateur be a professional. This is a message to everyone out there whose brain is capable of resonating with my genius. If you wait for the new year, you're the same as everybody else. You're an amateur. If you get up and you get it done today, the new year is now. Christmas is over. It's all finished. You don't need to drink on that night. It's the worst night to party anyway. Everyone's an amateur. It's full of fun.
Start today, fuck New Year off, and have the best year of your life. Let me say one more thing. These last two years of the enslavement of humankind in which we've endured, I don't think this is ending. I don't think this is ending anytime soon. I think things are going to get harder and harder. And you need money to protect yourself. I'm insulated from clown world because there's a huge pile of money in the way. It's hard to get to me. But you people, you don't have the insulation. So you need more passports, you need more cash, you need a better network, you need your life together.
don't have a fucking week to waste. Thank you very much. Enjoy your meal. You know, look, three years ago, what were you doing? In Chipotle?
You were working in Chipotle. Yep, correct. And your cousin messaged you on Facebook and said, I'm sorry, I'm an outlier. Do you want to come help me? Correct. And I did. And now we're eating pizza on private planes. In the sky.
Yeah. So I'm basically Jesus. I saved your life. Might be. I'm actually basically Jesus. You're Morpheus. You're certainly Morpheus. I'm Morpheus and I got you out. Yeah, you certainly got me out.
Luke he's more Jesus yeah more Jesus do you think that you know being able to drink that glass of booze has anything to do with your liver in this place
I don't know you guys are drinking yeah are we actually rich guys yes
Yeah? I have no clue. I'll tell you how it happened. I did work extremely hard and what we've created is brilliant. So we do completely deserve it. But.
At the same time we're scumbag pieces of shit and totally done.
Keep boozing. Keep your booze.
who's poison who's drank all this booze by itself you did i don't know why let's fuck you that's why because i'm for one hour and 20 minutes i'm sitting in a private fucking jet i'm gonna see you're fucking jerking off am i no let's enjoy it but beluga but alcohol is not enjoyable look i saw i agree maximize this experience pizza chocolate don't even like
Broken hand.
What's this? A little something you've been working on. That could work. You understand? I have to do moves to pay credit to the severity of the situation.
Let's just sleep.
Tristan, if you were blind, how would you signal to someone that you were hungry?
Just tell them.
That's what I do as well. Why would you not tell them?
I wasn't going to tell them.
What did Luke do?
Luke, if you were blind and you had to tell someone you were hungry, what would you do?
- That? That's what? - Do you know what I do if I was blind and I felt so hungry?
I say, "Hey, I'm hungry."
Okay, you got me. I got super hot. I admit it.
Sweet, sweet. Sweet red wine. Ain't that fun. Thank you very much.
Amazing. Just like magic. Good job. Good job. More booze please. More? Yes please.
Stupid. It's stupid. Fuck off before I attack you. Pilots aren't going to stop me. I don't wrestle them.
You can't wrestle your pilots. Can I? I bet I can. How will you land? How would I land? Jump.
He hates wine. He's lying. He never orders wine ever. I would put the bottle here. More booze please. Ah, wunderbar. Love wine. You speak German? Uh, a little bit. What languages do you speak? German, English, Spanish, Portuguese. I speak Romanian, Polish and Slovak. And where are you from?
vampire I'm seven years old exactly why is there human blood a lot of empire and I only speak English
thank you huh no he does he does so thank you yes sir not for thank you yeah I'm gonna try it here all right thank you delicious
Thanks. I love waiting. Hello, nice to see you. Ciao.
Bye.
Why don't you have a jacket, Luke? Why don't you own a jacket?
I have my turtleneck.
-
Turtleneck? Yeah. It's not that cold. Bro. Can't be that cold. Czech Republic is cold. Can't be. Can't be. You check the temperature. No. So you didn't check the weather. Can't be that cold. No way.
So where are we going? Dinner.
All right. What type of dinner? Kind of like Caribbean. It's like Cuban food.
- Yeah, Cuban food. - They have Cuban food here.
Why? Why would they have Cubans here?
Thank you.
It's a plant they grow in Cuba.
- Okay.
Thank you.
I think we're so strong. No, I'm actually very hungry. We're actually going for Cuban food. No, I think I know what's gonna happen.
Yeah, cuz I just said it myself. And I know you guys are, it's not food, is it? It's not edible, is it?
talking about it's a human plant it's a human plant it's a human it's quite expensive it's expensive cuban food okay does anyone chew on it and eat it sometimes you want it yeah
I'm probably going to chew it
because you can consume it without chewing it. But there's people chew on it. All right, well, it could be a soup, but I doubt it. It sounds like it's a Cuban.
Cuban cigar.
So I'm just going to starve. Wait, you're a young bird man.
I think we're serving children. We're slaps.
start with me and you've already had lungs without me that would take your cigars and
Thank you.
Yeah. No, I'm starting to think that that's exactly what's happening. Bro, we'd never do that.
As you guys keep talking, I'm more and more convinced.
that that's what's gonna happen.
So this is the worst club sandwich I've ever had in my life and it's all they serve here. What do you expect in a cigar bar Luke? I told you they specialize in Cuban. I'm starving and then I end up eating the club sandwich. Here's some tobacco. I doubt they have chewable tobacco. Luke? You should eat that crap. It's very unhealthy. Luke. You drink old fashioned. There's a slice of orange in it. That's vitamin C. It's not vitamin C. You're lying. You think I'm a healthy man? He's a liar.
I know. Wake up.
So I've been super tricked. You tricked yourself. I didn't trick myself. You guys said we're gonna go for nice cute. Me and Andrew were for lots and you weren't there. Why? Because we didn't invite you. It's not our fault. We'd like to invite you. So maybe you weren't so unlikable. You wouldn't be in this predicament. Whose fault was that? Who can we blame for your personality? Him? Her?
You. Alright, it's my fault. It's my fault that I've got a super shit club sandwich. And chips. I guess the chips are okay. I know what it is about.
I'm out.
Thank you.
so
Thank you.
*music*
*
- This is what I'm seeing. - Speed. Speed tips.
Hold on tight, we're about to get rich. Right here, Hustlers University.
We'll be right back.
.
*music*
Yeah.
Guys, all we do is booze. And I super notice this because I'm the one who films everything, I send everything to the editor.
I'm too...
Do I look like a boozer or do I look like a guy who's in fantastic shape?
You look like a guy fantastic- but you also have the beard so you kind of look like a boozer as well. Because it's midday and some random day. Do you understand that I look better than most people who live in the jail?
Guess.
Do you know why? Beers and booze. No, it's not from the booze. No. All we do is booze. We can go to Antarctica. We can do all this crazy stuff. We can do loads of cool things. We can go to space.
No, but why booze? We can go to space and stuff. Like... things, things, we can do things.
We just keep boozy.
You're going to see stars of a spaceman. Shut up.
- Yeah.
I need the burp to make more space for my boobs.
This is shit.
Thank you.
I've decided.
What kind of store?
What? We're going to change everything about takeoff potential. Okay. Okay.
I have this idea.
It's simple to implement, but I think it's gonna make us go by, okay? Because our channel, we spent, I guarantee there's not a YouTube channel online that spent more money than us.
and have less followers.
We get to London, he literally literally spends like 50 Gs on fucking clothes.
50g yesterday, I'll take your clothing, let's have a run. For the pet bottle. Can I ask how much it is per glass? That goes for 350 pounds. 350 pounds per glass? Yes. I'll take three glasses of that drink. For 30, it's called New Bowl. Voice games. Hey, let's go.
Bye.
*music*
True.
We spent $10 million this year.
The money per follower is terrible.
So I have an idea and I think what we're gonna do is, we're here in Prague,
And we're going to start.
by increasing how much we spend.
This mighty is actually going to work
That would work. No, that wouldn't work.
Camel riding through Prague, important camels.
Wouldn't go viral. Wait. That would probably go viral. Think about it. Camel riding here.
I think Luke Shakir was in.
That's a good idea. Okay. All right.
Live? Take Confidential Live?
- Take confidential life. - Okay. Okay. I definitely do it in the tower thing.
I think we got that right. Quick trip to that store
cigarettes alcohol drinks at Prague Absinthe Centre at the time of your life
Thank you.
But that wouldn't be a time of my life. So Luke, if you care about the channel, you know again.
Because it would cost nothing. It would cost zero, it's true.
It's true.
Costs $0. We need to increase our heart. All right, let's go find a place.
All right.
Funny joke though guys, so...
Wait, what do you mean?
What's that?
I thought we were going for coffee.
The final coffee.
No, just a coffee. The last.
- Oh, the final coffee? - No, just A1. Like, you know, just like... - What would you like to eat?
Anything you'd like to eat, you can have. Anything. Anything in the world you'd like to eat for dinner. Tristan, you're being too nice. This is scary. You're worrisome now. No, it's normal. For your final meal, you can choose what you want. No, what do you mean final? Why final?
It's a joke though.
We're joking.
haha show me all
*outro music*
Andrew pissed me off yesterday.
He's a nerd.
Yesterday, we were celebrating New Year's Eve with a good friend of ours. And he left.
about 10 minutes before we did.
But without saying goodbye,
I said, "Why did you do that?"
"Oh, I needed a separate taxi, you could blah blah blah." I said, "Yeah, but why did you just leave?"
So I'm gonna get him back, Luke.
We.
are just going to leave.
No, but we need to stop boozing. Tristan, I'm dying. I don't know how you're boozing now. I mean. Take confidentiality. You have no idea.
You have no clue. You cannot fathom. No, genuinely. But Tristan, take confidential. They don't understand how much booze.
It's consumed. Breakfast beer!
So anyway...
After I had my breakfast beer, Luke,
No, but what do you mean we're gonna leave? Well, there are no flights.
What do you mean flights?
you may actually leave the city listen andrew yesterday he wants to be mr independent i'm leaving him here
I want to hear
for him. He wanted to be here.
So let's leave.
Flights are booked.
Luckily I have these
- Okay.
One of these.
Train tickets. 31 hours by train.
That means 31 hours of non-stop.
Boozing with your cousin. No! The ultimate adventure for you, Luke. It's not. Sold. You in?
What does it say on the top right-hand corner of the ticket? What does it say?
It says my name. It says Luke.
Let's go.
I can't do it.
I'll show you training. We're getting the fucking train out of here.
I can't be I can't be convinced. It's wrong. More moves.
Luke, you feel bad and we're gonna be drinking on the train. So I'm gonna go to the shop. Our Uber's here in 7 minutes.
There's a shopper on the floor. What do you want? What will make you feel better?
Coconut water.
coconut water. Yeah. Are they still in a check shop? I don't know.
Coconut water.
Anything else?
Oh
I don't know. I don't know. Water. Water. More and cocoa. Yeah.
Uber's here, almost missed it but I thought you're free. What do you mean my
Tristan, the way you said it... I have a strong feeling.
So I got everything on your list. So... No, it's almost me. Coconut water, yeah? No, so, snow globe. I forgot exactly what you wanted, but I got lots of things. Ceremonial dagger. I believe that was on your list, wasn't it? No, no. This is the toy monkey you asked for. And I know you're thirsty, so...
Put your bottle of Absinthe. And Absinthe and the Toy Monkey will crunch your thirst. Backup beer. But not just the beer. I also, because, I mean, how are you going to open the beer without a ceremonial pipe smoking beer opening widget?
That's exactly what you asked for, isn't it? I asked for water. Beer, Absinthe, Toy Monkey, the ceremonial dagger, the bottle opener, the snow glows. That was everything on your list. No, I want to watch.
of record it's on film you asking me for all of those items I wanted exactly what you wanted I didn't want snow globe enjoy a toy monkey good luck carrying them 31 hour train journey they're all yours now I'm not carrying them I don't want that sorry sorry I went to the shop and bought you things that's cool that's cool yeah we're multi-millionaires so they look like homeless gypsy yes prepared for the train journey Tristan why am I I'm just ready to money people it's like
POW!
Two beers.
You know, it looks like it's like ceremonial dagger.
I'm ready all the time.
Seriously, we can't just berate of money's people. We just can't fucking... I can't. From the stupid convenience stores that they sell. Exactly. Frog's weird because they sell this stuff. Ceremonial daggers.
Why?
Because that's the way things are.
It's a cold world out there. And then we just have to... And then on New Year's Day, multi-millionaires might be kicking the train, and they might need a fucking knuckle spike to spike your enemies, you know? Knuckle spike. They're coming at me. Bang. Doesn't stop them. Ceremonial dagger in this hand. Unsheathed.
*laughs*
*laughs*
That's the way it is Luke. It's the whole world out there. We're crazy people. This is not how multi-millionaires... We could literally have a limousine take us to a jet. Why are we doing this?
I lost my mind. You know what, Luke? I'm beginning to sober up, and I realize I'm still too ham. But knuckle spikes are good for lots of things. You can also widget open your beers with a...
fucking
Ah!
Ah!
-
I'm so proud of my no-go-go-go-to-the-train. I'm like, "Cull-A-Private Jack." Why do we do this? We're insane. We're insane people. We're just leaving. Happy New Year! We're literally leaving because Andrew just left before us. 10 minutes. Fuck him! That's what he gets!
Why am I getting convinced? It's Sarah Mitchell Zagger.
Although I really couldn't let you go on the train alone.
Exactly.
I really could. - I'm just gonna wake up.
try and find us, but he won't be aware of our
presence. Look, imagine having that little self-awareness. You're on a train by yourself. Giant dudes are sitting nearby and you're so asleep you can't wake up and you're snoring super loud. I tapped this dude on the arm. I tapped him and said, bro, he is out. I could murder him, take all this shit. That's how easy it would be. I'm fucking huge. I could
have his fucking mind. Who does that, Luke? Who goes to sleep like that on a fucking train? Someone should murder him. I'm not gonna do it, but somebody should. Bye, Andrew. Leave early, will ya? Oh, there's no flights. Is there?
Good old fucking train. Worked for the Victorians. Railway. 31 action-packed hours. On the way to Bucharest.
We got him, didn't we? Fucking got him. Nice cold beer?
We fucking got him.
Is he messaging you? He's calling me. Nah, I just ignore him.
So this army knife. Little cutting knifey. For beer opening. Oh shit, that's the wrong thing. Fuck. Ceremonial dagger to keep me feel not boozy. Tristan, this gift really did make me feel better. Thank you.
How does it make you feel? I don't want beers. But my ceremonial dagger does. Well, I only have one beer. If you're gonna fucking offer it to you.
I'm good, I don't want it. Oh, I only do one beer. I have one beer. Wait, you think I give it to you after the shit you pull? I said Luke earlier. Luke said, do you want juice? I said, yes. He said, give me some money. I gave you money. Once the juice store came back with one fucking juice. True or false? Listen, this is a psyop. This was a psyop. It was not a fucking psyop. I said, yes. I wish it was a fucking camera. He said. You're a piece of shit. Now I'm a juice to drink a fucking beer. He said no. I distinctly remember asking. Why would I say no to juice?
I thought it was weird. No, I agree. No, no, no, no. Would a man with ceremonial dagger lie to himself? Listen, clearly your mental faculties are degrading. You need to kill yourself now while you still have the clarity to know it's the right thing to do. I have a ceremonial dagger, mate.
That's the least sharp knife in the world. I have a real Swiss army knife. No, but it's for ceremony. No, mine's actually sharp. Yeah, yeah, but mine's for ceremony.
I know you're happy. I'm trying to upset you. Yeah, I'm very happy with my ceremonial dagger. What's in your bag that I can stab? Don't stab it. There's computers in there. I'm scared of cat. Scared of me stabbing through your chest and computers. Admit you're scared of my ceremonial knife. And you're jealous. I thought you'd bet in a knife fight, if we were evenly matched, the man with this knife would win. It's true because this one is completely blunt. It's ceremonial. You can see. It is ceremonial. You could do a ceremony while I cut the enemy out. It's true. They wouldn't see that coming.
be scared of this to see when you just see it yeah yeah but they don't realize it's just for ceremony but i'm very happy with it he's gotten rid of my hangover this is a trick actually i think everyone take off does this should know that this gets rid of booze removes it from your system you just need to perform the ceremony you need the snow globe and the toy monkey let me tell you
sitting in the first class, and there's some fucking sleepy passed out
goofy cunt about two seats in front who will not stop fucking snoring. Came on the train by himself. Passed out snoring. I feel like robbing it. I'm going to bed. Literally. Look, can you go show that guy? I'm going to bed. Show the guys the guy. Show him this guy.
He's super out of it.
I'm losing my mind. I know. I might cut my own face off. No. With a knife. No, don't do that. Why not? Because. Cut my face off. There's no need. Why? Because there's no need to cut your own face off. There's no need, Tristan.