Transcript
Merry Christmas! Tristan, your mate got you a dildo. You finally get it.
You can't be angry on Christmas.
so
What are we doing? I want you to admit it Luke. Admit what? It. What's it? What's this? Aikido. What's this? A little something you've been developing. What's this? Yoga fire. Yoga fire.
I'm going to take a picture of the view from the top of the mountain.
Thank you.
-
- -
-
-
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
-
- Yeah.
Awesome.
- I'm sorry.
-
Where are we? We're at the bar.
What does it say?
I know it says The Bar. It's really called The Bar.
I'm-- yeah.
Yeah, it is the bar. It's $100.
How good is it?
It looks like rice.
It's bird's nest soup. I don't know what that means.
It's clearly not a bunch of twigs So I really don't think it's a bird's nest I'd like to read up what it actually is Is it rice? Or is it cabbage?
Grits? Is it 100 pound grits? You know, it is pretty good
Is it 100 pound grits? It tastes kind of like regular chicken soup with a different texture. But it's definitely okay. You think it's shredded chicken? No. It's like a bird's nest looking stuff. But what actually is it? Is it a type of special noodle? What exactly is it? Look it up. It's called a rip off. Nice. Nice. Good rip off. It looks like rice. Now I eat only this. Alright Tristan I'll make it for you. 100 pounds each time yeah? I can do this. You're not a Chinese chef. But I could do this.
Here, try some.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
So that's what it is. They've got the focus and stuff. I'm googling it, but then I just realized I'm using my phone and so are you. Is it loads of eggs?
the whole world.
- It's not that bad. What happens when I got back from the army, man? - Yeah, it's loads of eggs. It's loads of eggs.
You can tell, I really think it's loads of eggs. It's loads of eggs with some sort of... No, it's an edible bird's nest.
called the caviar of the East. It's very valuable. The main ingredient is the nest of the swift-tailed bird, which is found in Southeast Asia. It's an edible bird's nest because they make their nests out of edible plants.
So a bird ate a bunch of plants and then threw it up. And here we are. Well here's this. So we're in a Chinese restaurant so I decided to get a Sake. Traditional Chinese drink. It's Japanese.
- Okay, there's only four anyway.
- In your mouth?
Is it good?
It's chicken soup.
Yeah.
I just.
♪
Merry Christmas!
Bye.
you
I thought I'd make a quick Christmas message.
to wish all you people out there
Merry Christmas. Because they say...
Goodwill to all men. And it's that time of year we need to be grateful. And I thought,
Too many people have the wrong idea about me.
I'm such a nice guy.
I know you look at me and you think, four-time kickboxing world champion, strong, smart, tall, could definitely steal my girl, has every worldly good a man could possibly desire, unlimited females.
to birth his sons,
Surely he's arrogant. No, not me. I'm as humble as they come.
So I decided to make a nice Christmas message for you all. And we can reflect.
on this interesting year we've had. Certainly been interesting.
The times we live in.
unprecedented
So that's what this message is about. So if you haven't got a cup of tea, I'd recommend you get one.
Take a seat.
for Andrew Tate's Christmas message.
Sorry, sorry about that. Obviously I'm trying to fill my Christmas message.
and they sent a very polite man
to tell me that although I spent $10,000 on this hotel suite over Christmas, along with all the other rich Qataris and everyone else who has to
great idea of staying in such a beautiful hotel in London.
that I'm allowed to smoke.
I said, "For $10,000 a night, my friend, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want."
So I apologize for the interruption.
Anyway, where was I with my Christmas message?
♪
you
The message for next year...
you
Let me just blow it out the detector.
you
you
you
is to never give up.
I think so many of you out there, you're existing in your peasant life. You wake up when the alarm goes off.
You're going to your job.
Sorry.
My balls don't define.
Okay, you go to your job.
- Okay.
crazy
You get paid your wages.
And you're like
How did Tate get all that money? That guy has a hundred million dollars! And here I am, slaving away!
And maybe at the end of the month I might get $5,000 or $6,000 and I can pay my 401k.
I know it's easy.
to look at me and realize that I'm a better specimen of man. In fact,
not only am I the best specimen of man, I am actually fulfilled with divine purpose.
I'm one of God's favorite.
you
Imagine you're God, you're building people all day. You're gonna end up going, you know what? Let me make a really cool one.
I mean, you make the peons and the peasants, and then you're like, you know, let me just make...
Let's make a real badass just to see what happens.
I'm God's favorite.
So I know you're looking at me thinking, I'm working my job and my life's shit.
and I'm never going to be able to buy Bugatti Chiron's on my debit card.
or stay in hotels for $10,000 a night and tell the concierge to get fucked and smoke anyway.
before all my women come round for my Christmas gangbang. I know.
But I don't want you to ever give up.
Because that's what this Christmas message is about.
I don't need to ever give up.
Just because you're gonna die and nobody's gonna give a shit.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't try your very best when you're here on Earth. I mean, it's Christmas Day today.
You're about to have Christmas dinner with a bunch of other insignificant losers. Think about it. Your dad's a fucking bitch.
mom's stupid, sister, brother, whoever,
Losers. Onk, onk, you're onk, that favor, onk. Dumb as fuck.
I mean, they might be successful to you. Like, she has a BMW.
They're not actually successful. They don't actually put ripples into space-time.
If they died, nobody would care. And when you die, nobody's going to care.
and you're gonna raise very average children, because you're a very average person,
And it's just like a...
continuum of meteorocracy, a continuum of insignificance. You're all gonna die eventually and nobody's ever gonna care. I mean the other peons who know the peon, someone might write a Facebook post.
But no one, the world doesn't give a shit.
So I know that upsets you a little bit, and if it doesn't, you fucking should. And you're thinking, "But I want to make a ripple in space time."
I want to be like Tate.
I want to be cool.
And you're thinking, but I can't.
if I just don't have the genetic gifts?
I don't want you to ever give up. I want you to believe in yourself.
If you try really, really hard,
and you work
You save all your money.
Okay, no, it's still laying here. Alright, let me change it.
♪
If you go to the gym every single day,
and you train as hard as you can, and you eat right, and you stick to a diet,
while all I do is booze and smoke. No, I'll still be stronger.
That ain't gonna work either.
In fact,
It's actually quite interesting.
What I would like you to do, my Christmas present to you all, is some self-awareness. If you watch this video, I'd actually like you to genuinely undertake the following exercise.
I'd like you to go into the bathroom, strip down to your underwear,
and look in the mirror at what an average piece of shit you are.
You're such an average piece of shit.
You don't even have to self-control to
Be selective about what food goes in and out of your own fucking mouth. And to lift some weights up and down for...
20 minutes a day so you don't look like complete trash. You can't even do that!
You look like shit!
It's the easiest thing in the world to change. It's a biological certainty that if you stop eating like a gluttonous moron,
and go do bare minimum exercise
You're going to be in the top five percentile of body shapes on the planet. And you haven't even managed to do that.
♪
You're a fuck up.
What kind of fucking human existence is that?
They talk about average. Hey, I'm just your normal guy. The normal guy's a fucking loser.
The average guy is a fucking loser.
If the average guy and me want the same pussy, guess who's getting it?
And that girl, when I get it, she will share me with other women.
She will never complain at me and she'll do anything I say. When the average guy gets it, he has to give up his whole life to keep her. He has to marry her!
*laughs* the fuck?
Love you.
Nothing...
Married to a chick.
I want you people to understand something.
For this last year,
I know it doesn't seem very long ago that it was New Year's, right?
For this last year, you've had all these big hopes and dreams and aspirations.
and you've achieved precisely fucking none of them.
You made a little bit of money. You paid your rent.
You bought some food. With your spare money, you bought a bit of Bitcoin.
and watch the Bitcoin price, praying for it to go to, I don't know what you guys even need it to go to to be rich. You don't even have a Bitcoin. So we need it to go to fucking 100 million for your fraction to be worth something.
Losers!
and you've achieved nothing.
You know that the world's getting locked down. You know that global enslavement is coming. You've not even managed to get a second passport. You haven't joined the war room and got a second passport. You haven't had endless women birth your sons. You have progeny. You haven't built a bloodline. You've done nothing.
You call your ears successful because you've managed to eat and pay your rent the whole way through.
Congratulations.
And on top of all of it,
something which is effectively free to do.
that we just discussed, like go to the gym a little bit and not look like fucking human garbage,
You've once again failed at it.
you
But I don't need to ever give up.
I want you to truly, truly believe in yourself.
And I hope that next year things are different.
I hope next year,
that your brutally mundane existence is blessed
with blossoms of excitement.
I hope you get to live with some adrenaline. Hope you get to be spontaneous.
I hope beautiful women actually want to talk to you.
Hope you tell your boss to get fucked.
Hope you get to live the life I get to live every single day, for even a week of the 52. Just one week to see how gorgeous life is from outside the matrix.
I really hope you get to do that.
The odds are you won't, of course.
Everyone around you is slave-minded, so of course you're a product of your environment.
Think about the people you're having Christmas dinner with.
Do you want to be any of them?
Fuck no!
You don't want to be eating them, people.
for all
Fucking losers.
You know,
earlier today
This is a completely true story.
I was having lunch.
Mind in my own business
having lunch by myself.
Eat and roast turkey.
on some guy, a little bit drunk, but polite,
Hey man, I've seen you on YouTube.
You made that video calling out Jake Paul.
He had the fur coat on. He's a good guy. Hey, yeah, hey, this guy's from YouTube. Points at his friends.
"Hey man, hey, uh, uh..." They're all a bit drunk. I'm like, "Hey guys."
"Hey, come have a drink, come have a drink!" Although, for fuck's sake... I didn't really want to, but it's Christmas.
I'm humble.
Sure, I'll come have a drink.
So I'm sitting there.
with six dudes, all 30 something guys, right?
Turns out,
Whew.
Turns out they all work together.
He's a middle manager of some finance firm, some other guys an intern at some finance firm, etc.
What do you do, mate? And you know what's actually when you know you're brilliant? You know you're brilliant when...
You don't want to tell the truth about yourself because you know it's going to be awkward.
when everybody pales in insignificance. Like I'm trying to be polite now. So I don't wanna come to the table and everyone hate me. I don't wanna spread any negativity. But if I tell the truth about myself,
without bragging.
Everyone's gonna be miserable.
I'm a kickboxer. "Oh you're a kickboxer? I used to do a bit of kickboxing."
Yeah. Oh really, you're a kickboxer so that's your job? Yeah, I'm a kickboxer.
Oh really? So you were good then? I was okay.
"Oh yeah, no, this guy's world champion. You're a world champion." And what happened across the next five minutes of conversation is,
Every time they talked about women or cars or where they've been or what they do,
or their job, or who they are, or their accolades, or anything. I destroyed them. I didn't even mean to. I was just existing. Oops, I'm a kickboxer. Yeah, I'm a multimillionaire. Yes, I'm staying in the best hotel. Yes, the fucking Lambo outside is mine. Yes, I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry, okay? But it's not my fault.
They're just so fucking lame.
I can't even sit around normal dudes and tell the truth without just people ending up going quiet.
They stopped talking.
They stopped telling their stories. They stopped interacting with each other. Because before me, it was all, hey, you know what? Next year, I might buy that BMW. But when I'm at the table, you can't say that anymore.
You can't say it. Because you don't look a fucking loser. Because you are a loser!
That's how the world works. It's all about comparison.
So you're sitting around the Christmas table.
who's sitting with her family saying, hey, you know what? This has been a really good year for me.
I managed to pay my rent and I've eaten food and I managed to save up and I bought 0.2 Bitcoin. And next year I really go up, I get a 10% raise at work.
And you know what your family's gonna say?
Wow.
But you know what I would say? I'd say you're a fuck-up.
I'd say you've wasted an entire fucking year and done nothing of significance.
I say the things you've done last year pale in comparison to the things I've done last year, and the things that you will do next year pale in comparison to the things I will do.
It is a spiral.
a death spiral in which you will perpetually fail in comparison to Andrew Tate for the rest of your fucking human years.
And when you die, if by some freak accident our graves end up next to each other,
Everyone's going to read my headstone and ignore yours.
because you're fucking average and there is nothing worse
on this planet than Mr. Fucking Average. Nothing about you.
From the way you look,
to the things you say.
To the people you associate with, absolutely nothing about you is exceptional.
You are brutally mundane.
Your last year, if I was forced to endure it, would be a level of depression in which I have never experienced. Your last year, the happiest day of your life,
was worse than the average Tuesday of my existence.
Your last year was shit. Your upcoming year is going to be shit.
You look like shit.
You think like shit.
Everything about you is shit. And unless you
to some kind of massive dramatic
overhaul of your entire existence, you are going to die as the piece of shit you are.
if by some freak accident
And I pray to God this doesn't happen because it would be
It would stain me even in death.
If by some freak accident
Your tombstone and my tombstone end up next to each other.
Everybody's gonna read mine.
and ignore yours.
You're insignificant, like all the other billions of people in history who are insignificant, who died and nobody gave a fuck. We still talk about the kings of old.
Don't worry, they'll talk about me when I'm gone, and my son will continue to bring honor to the bloodline. The name Tate is here to stay, but you...
You don't mean a fucking thing.
and your children don't mean a fucking thing, and your shit family don't mean a fucking thing.
All of you are insignificant.
You're the peons and the peasants, which have been dying since the dawn of human time and nobody gave a fuck.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
you
Thank you.
Hold on tight. We're about to get rich. Right here, Halsey University.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
you
♪ ♪
.
Why'd you tell me you're dressed up?
Okay, Aikido.
- It's a, it's a, it's a,
- Feel it in the air? - No, I don't feel anything in the air. - Yeah, you can feel it. Can you? - No, there's nothing in the air. It's opposite day. Can you feel it in the air?
Negative.
No, it's opposite day. Negative means positive. That means yes.
Okay. Okay, I feel it in the air. What am I supposed to feel in this air?
What's the chance?
Do you admit that when we gamble in the casino, the odds are in our favor?
No.
I'm not sure you something
We're going casino.
What do you mean? It's not how it works.
A little bit Christmas casino if you spins it a wheel. That's not what you're supposed to do on Christmas. We're about to be richer than we've ever been. We're not. We are. We're not. You can't spell rich without C.
C doesn't stand for casino. You can't say C stands for casino. Don't you feel it in the air? It's cold. It's just cold. No, besides the cold. Don't you feel it? No, I don't feel anything. I've set myself a budget.
50 grand.
grand on christmas i don't have no intention of losing me what do you mean no no one ever goes to the casino with the intentions of losing no it's different with me i've got this strategy no but there's no strategy everyone everyone who's ever gambled ever has thought this exact same thing so you're not gonna win you're not gonna win none of this is is everyone does this every casino goer they don't go to win they go they don't go to lose they go to win and then they think they have a strategy that's gonna get differences they don't go to lose or win i go to play
I'm one with the universe. That doesn't mean anything. I go to play. There's nothing in the air. For those that take confidential, there's nothing in the air. Literally, if you feel it, it's just another cold day. What does this mean? Money. Let me ask you a question.
Luke, if you were blind and you had to tell someone you were hungry, what would you do?
That's what I do. - Do you know what I do if I was blind and I felt someone was hungry?
I say, hey, I'm hungry.
*laughter* HA! GOT E! HA! GOT E! HAHAHAHA! Okay, you got me. I got super caught. I admit it. *laughter*
We're gonna lose it all.
There's no Aikido. That will save us.
So we left. They wouldn't give me my money. They wouldn't give me as much money as I wanted. So they only gave me a little bit of money saying that my bank card is foreign or some shit.
So what I did is, in true Tate styles, I took a little bit of money, turned it into more money.
So can you admit that I turned 200 pounds into 4,000 pounds in front of your face, and you told me I was gonna lose because you are a fucking lying stupid piece of shit that nobody even likes. And you shouldn't even be part of Take Confidential because everybody constantly begs for you to be fired as a cameraman and an associate of me. Literally nobody likes you. You have no fans. You've got no French!
None.
Do you admit that? - I don't care. - Do you admit that?
You said we were gonna lose did we lose no we didn't lose so are you a liar? Okay, I might be a lie. So you admit you're a liar do liars get to inherit the kingdom of heaven Have you read the Bible? All right liars don't go to heaven. I'm not talking to you. Liars never go to heaven. I
So I guess I'll see you in hell.
♪ ♪
you
Why don't we live here?
This is absolutely... this pool is warm! Like actually. So you admit being rich is cool? Yeah this is very cool. So you admit
The reason we can do this is because I went to the casino yesterday. No, it's not because of the casino. But it is, why? No. How else do we get rich, Luke? It's not from the casino. I think it might be.
All right.
Luke, can you admit that I saved us?
for the life of poverty.
Yes, but not through the casino. No, but that wasn't the casino.
- Two cars.
This big, this beautiful hole
Say nothing.
4,000 pounds isn't gonna save us. - $10,000 a night suite
all because me in the casino. No, it's not. Luke.
Did I win money in the casino? Yes, you did, but it costs more than you won at the casino.
This whole time you thought we had a business and secretly I've been going to the casino. No, you haven't. Yes, I have. That's not true. This isn't real.
I want you to admit, I'm the best casino player ever.
You might be it doesn't matter you just no one wins at the casino. It's a
Yeah, but...
It wouldn't work long term. The message is elastic.
They're not high, just there.
Look, I think you're getting distressed.
You're getting distressed by the fact that I'm here to continue, and I'm worried you're going to back.
I can't drown this. We can walk the whole way through. Half of you wear the...
I don't need to wear this. You have to wear this because you can't be trusted.
anymore.
Right.
Is this better?
Endless winning.
Why do they have these?
Okay.
Thank you.
This is super nice.
Why do we live here?
Let's move here.
You're not going to do that.
How much do we need? 10 mil, 20 mil, 30 mil? We have enough. We have that. So we could already buy it if that's all we need.
Just because you're on land doesn't mean you can take the fucking ring off me.
I don't know.
I don't need the ring for land.
No one can drown in this.
You will.
Thank you.
We should actually buy this place. - All right, we'll go back to the center tonight.
No, it's not the casino. Done.
We don't need to go back to the casino.
It's Christmas.
It'll be depressing.
We can't be the depressed people who go to the casino on Christmas.
I'm not.
What in the real world, Luke?
This isn't the real world.
Oh, isn't it?
Wasn't it a nice music?
Look at the beautiful pool. I know. Enjoy my coffee while reading GQ magazine.
This is the real world. This is the world I've created for you.
through my endless gambling.
and our massive accumulation of wealth.
This isn't the real world.
Gambling made us rich. It did. The whole series we've been poor.
living like peasants. We get to London he literally literally spends like 50 G's on clothes. Yeah I spent 50 G's yesterday. Can I ask how much it is per glass? Uh that goes for 300 and 50 pounds. 840 pounds per glass? Yes. I'll take three glasses of that. You're buying 30. It's called the new balls voice dance. You buy the balls voice.
So dance exactly like this.
so you
you
And now we're about to step it up, because I am the casino master.
Can you admit that I made money yesterday?
You did make money yesterday. That's true, but it was such a small amount compared to how much we make. What do you mean?
We make much more than 4,000 pounds a day.
Much, much more. So much more. It's like a drop in the... It literally, that's the problem with the casino. There's no point in going.
You know what that stands for?
Mr. Perfect Roulette.
It doesn't. I admit you're impressed. I thought that. All right. I'm a bit impressed. But also, there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect Roulette. Roulette's a rigged game.
It's just luck. It's luck, but it's like... We'll see about that in the con.
We can't go again.
- I'm sorry.
This is nice though.
I'll admit that the casino was actually the cause of this. Casinos would be very good.
Because this is very nice.
But it's not the cause of it. It's loads of other work. It's not casino.
Are you trying to say that Hustlers University, the school we put together that teaches people how to make money online,
in which everybody, including us, managed to make lots and lots of money on the internet.
Makes us more money than gambling.
Yeah. False.
It's a lie. Made it up. It's false. No way. Not this time. We created it. Not this time. No. Not this time. It's totally made up. Pure fiction. Now. False.
No, they should go to Austin University and actually learn something.
They shouldn't. I hope all take confidential doesn't start going to fucking casinos thinking that I'm going to find the Andrew Tate way and get rich like him because that's not real.
-
Don't do that, guys.
It's not the casino that got us here.
- I'm sorry.
This is my Russian friend.
From Moscow, no? I'm not...
I'm Russian but I'm not from Moscow. Oh where which part? I'm from Latvia. Oh you're Latvian?
I'm Latvian that speaks Russian and doesn't understand any Latvian. I went to Riga and a taxi tried to rob me.
Yeah.
in latvia and i heard they're very crazy with corona is that true they have a lot of rules and masks and things like that
Thank you.
crazy down there. Yeah? Yeah. Now they've
had like
If you don't have a vaccine, you can't go to a supermarket. You can go to a corner shop. Lithuanians are saying Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia, they're all like that.
going crazy
See, when you leave, everything falls apart.
You need to go back and take control. No, no, no, no, I'm not going back. No, no, I'll still just, Karina's stuff is good. Go back and become the queen and just end it all.
I'll help you. They don't have a kingdom.
I'm here, baby.
-
Enjoy your coffee.
Thank you.
Thank you.
This isn't the real world.
Real world.
Walk through, Robin.
It's not the real world. The real world's cold.
and hard.
Lookit, they have unlimited waters. Lookit, they even light it up.
Yeah, three.
Thank you.
and fruits.
Thank you.
Can I just take these? Of course. So they're not fake, they're real fruits and they're just around for me to steal.
*door slams*
Okay.
This can't be the real world.
It's a real world, man. Can't be.
Right, it is.
- Yes.
*sniff*
you
Merry Christmas. Shut up, Luke.
You can't be grumpy on Christmas morning. I fucking can. No, you're not. You're not allowed to be.
It's not loud. - I'm not a candy. - And you're not allowed to smoke in here. - Merry Christmas, get fucked. - Ah, so you're angry too. So everyone's in a bad mood on Christmas morning.
Thank you.
Don't worry guys.
I went shopping for all of us and I bought us all lots of Christmas presents to open.
I've even put name tags on them. Some for you, some for you, and even some for me.
Merry Christmas! Tristan, your mate got you a dildo. You finally get it.
You can't be angry on Christmas. I tried very hard for that tree.
three years.
You have to open your presents. I don't. You do. I'm done. No, you have to. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. I don't care.
I'm leaving.
I'm excited for my Christmas present. Thank you, Angela. Thank you. Shot? Yeah. You're transferring. Okay, buddy. We got you.
Okay. All right. See you a minute. Put the tree back. I will put the tree back. You ruined my room.
You're a spiteful fucker. Try to be a grinch, but my Christmas cheer overloaded him. You've purchased me things, and I want them. Yeah, exactly. So my Christmas cheer beat your grinch's. Do you admit it? No. Do you admit it? What is this? Admit that my Christmas cheer wins.
Can you admit it, Tristan?
Want all these? I'm actually confused about what these are. Shoes?
and admit that my Christmas cheer is too powerful for you.
Stop.
Tristan tried to get away from Christmas.
Like the f*ck he is
What now?
Here we are.
What is this?
It's a tree pod.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What's the point of these?
Listen, Luke. You're gonna love it. He was invented by some French dude. Is this because I'm French? What do they even do?
You put it together and then what? That's what I don't get. Then what?
Exactly. That's the first thing.
Merry Christmas! What is this? What is together? I'll put it together right now. It is French.
Bye.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
A tree pod? Hey, Chapman Cigars. Are those for me?
Yeah. Merry Christmas. I hope you feel bad. Do you feel bad for kicking out my tree? No, you're trying to... No, I mean, I think you feel a little bit bad. I think you feel a bit bad. I think you feel a bit bad for what you've done.
That was a dick move. That was a dick move. Unnecessary. I went out all day. I know. I'm super surprised. And there was fucking no need for you to be a cunt like that.
Was there. Here you go, Luke. It's not a present. Thank you. I don't like either of you. Why is this a thing? Why would you kick down my tree?
What horrible things to do. I disagree with Christmas. Christmas is against my religion. Merry Christmas. Why are you giving me things? I didn't get you anything. Merry Christmas. I didn't get anything either. I don't like you guys.
Well...
Seems I'm the only nice one on the bunch.
But it's fine. It's always been that way.
it's not true it is they're actually probably the worst of us all this isn't some sort of trick to get us it might be it's definitely got set up because they kill myself projector
this is also yours merry christmas why do you think
Alright, so I'm super confused with this pre-qualification. I'm still confused.
Does anyone want to take confidential? Could they possibly know what this does? Literally, this is it. This is all that was in the box.
You gotta read the instructions.
This way?
Well, I'm not exactly difficult to buy for, am I? Smokes and booze. Oh, who would have thought Tristan liked smokes and booze? I thought you were a cigar spot.
Cigar spa. Yeah, you put a cigar in there and it instantly like humidizes it to make it better. So it's never dry
It's like a 10 second, ooh, should make a soup. Why'd you buy me super expensive vodka?
Oh, do you feel like a dickhead yet for kicking down my tree? No, not really. You do. No, this is a trick. You're trying to trick me.
Here you go.
Merry Christmas.
Stop giving me things.
Merry Christmas!
*knock on door*
Goodwill to all men. This is a trick. Luke, he's trying to trick us. He's the worst one of us.
And he's trying to trick us by being nice. I went shopping.
I doubt you shopped. You kicked my tree down. This is designed to make me go crazy. Because it says step two, put this thing on there, but there is no thing. It must be there.
- Good man.
*burp* Simon.
*snort*
Thank you.
to agree on this. This. Three sets of instructions. All the same in different languages.
See Luke, I told you it's a setup.
Maybe it's the... What's this?
What even is this?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good will to all men. Stop saying good will to all men. Stop saying that.
around me.
Thank you.
This is also French.
Did I just only get French things? Is this a cigar carrying case?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Basically yes. So it's a cigar carrying case, cigars and booze. Like I'm not hard to shop for.
What is this? Merry Christmas. This is a trick. You are trying to trick me. Merry Christmas. I know you didn't shop.
I understand now. What is it? It's all the tree talk.
Thank you.
I'm getting pieces of the tree pod.
Exactly.
So there must be another one. There must be another bed.
- For my tree. - Where's the breakfast, Luke? - Luke, he's trying to trick us. Hey, Andrew.
where is this uh
Hold the camera because I can't do this. Good will to all men. Stop saying good will to all men. Stop smoking. Why'd you kick down my tree?
Can you admit that you're a cunt?
I'm gonna give the biggest con and take home for that joy.
I'm mad that nobody has ever liked you.
I don't care. This is all because I won the casino yesterday. This is all.
It is. I won yesterday.
It wasn't for my casino winnings. I couldn't afford any of this. You didn't buy it. That's not true. Merry Christmas! You got some personal stuff for me to buy you anything.
*splat*
*knocking*
Aha!
Three hats.
Yeah. You did not buy these.
Merry Christmas. You got a shopper to go buy this. Merry Christmas. Is this the tree pod?
*sounds of water dripping*
*knock on door*
Goodwill to all men.
I'm gonna go tell me.
Thank you.
Luke, he is getting you to that. You don't realize it, but he is getting you.
Merry Christmas.
I'm not interested in it.
This is mindless consumerism at its worst. It is mindless consumerism, isn't it? I don't have enough room. I live in one bag.
Cartier.
Thank you.
*knocking*
*
- Is it alive? - Is it?
Thank you.
I do appreciate the cigar spot.
I have to admit.
That is very helpful.
in my life.
See you in a minute.
I know what that is as well.
It's a perfect humidifier instead of a sponge that releases the right amount of water.
Cartier cufflinks and I'm actually having a tuxedo made. You're actually being thoughtful. I'm starting to feel bad about the tree now.
Merry Christmas. No, stop. He got you more?
Well, I'm having a- my tuxedo is going to be made in a few weeks.
And now I have cartoon- Do you feel bad for kicking down my tree? I'm starting to.
admit that that was a dick move and unnecessary no it's christmas morning not yet it was christmas morning yeah but you're trying to upset me come tomorrow come tomorrow it's important emergency meeting it is emergency it's emergency christmas this is not emergency
So is this the head of the thing?
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'd love to hear you speak, Mrs. B.
*sneezes*
Okay, I feel bad about the tree.
I take it back, Andrew. I should never have helped pick your tree.
- Ender, I can put your finger down.
I can peek-take him back. I recognize this logo anyway.
Got myself a little humidor.
- What we'll take. - Custom made.
We're live.
So you didn't go out yesterday and buy these things. How did you get them?
I went out yesterday and bought them. You didn't get me a custom-made humidor in one day.
*knock knock knock*
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Morning.
Thank you.
Nice.
2 DuPont Kohiba Edition lighter
Nice, okay. And you got the box to put it in. Yeah, I'm appreciating these things. I appreciate these things. Do you feel bad for kicking down my tree? You made me love Christmas.
Do you feel bad for kicking out my tree? A tiny bit.
I like Christmas now. All right, well, now it's complicated. I need to put it together. So it's some sort of sticker system.
Thank you.
Welcome to the real world, Luke.
It's some sort of wireless speaker.
It's Christmas time!
You know we better drink some booze.
At Christmas time Luke isn't allowed to stay in bed and soothe Yeah Luke you have to drink it's Christmas
What?
What do you mean? Endless, endless Christmas food. Endless Christmas food. That's not how Christmas works. It's supposed to be like... In fucking England it is! It's supposed to be like cookies and chocolate. Champagne till you throw up in your own mouth.
And fight with your family. Fight with your family. Loser.
*knock*
Alright, where's the glasses?
Ooh, with Christmas booze?
*laughs*
This looks nasty. What do you mean? It's all bubbly and shit. Yeah champagne
None of us like champagne. Literally none of us. Whoa, me and you love champagne.
That's all we drink. No, it's not true. I mean, yeah, kind of, but you guys don't like it.
Listen, me and Andrew have always loved champagne. It's a lie. It's a big passion of ours. It's a lie. We're champagne connoisseurs. It's a lie.
Alright, what's your favorite champagne?
Uh...
I knew it. And you can't drink champagne out of a teacup. Can I? My favorite champagne is... Where's my fucking body? See, I know. Champagne's nasty.
Thank you.
Verve Clicquot 86 is my favorite champagne. Merry Christmas. Oh and you think I just know champagne from reading Bond novels, yeah? Oh you think I've made that up? It's nasty. It's not even good. It's good. It's literally bad. It's delicious. It's not, you're lying.
- Ah, much better than... - Look at his... - Mmm, delicious. It's so good. - You can't lie to the camera. - Yes, I can. - You can't say "watch me" and then say it's good. - It is good. Right, Tristan, my plan is this: Luke doubts I can go make another unbeautiful amount of money in the casino.
So let's go to the casino with all the depressed people with no family. Let's sit there and let's gamble hundreds of thousands of euros. We're depressed people with no family.
No, but we have each other.
Good will to all men. See you at Cossack. Merry Christmas.
That exists. - That's a straight cut for you?
Yeah, straight please.
Admit that it's Christmas.
Thank you.
Alright, I might have to today's Christmas. I was gonna say no. I was gonna say it's not Christmas, but there's Christmas playing in the background.
Thank you.
So, where's the booth?
In fact, Christmas might be a psy-op.
Well, one of my big alcohol companies to make you drink. Can you guarantee that it's December?
No, I'm sorry.
Yes. How?
I'm in a line with the planet. Yeah, but you need to prove it to me. No, no, I don't need to. I don't actually, I don't. You'll find that I don't.
Might be a Psyop. The presence, the tree.
Christmas cheer.
Just to give me the booze.
Christmas booze. Some cigars are really hard to smoke. Why?
- You sure it's hot?
Prince on the road.
I know. Why? Some Cubans are old-school.
I think it's the consistency of communists. No, look.
He doesn't want consistency.
He never wanted it. Fuck it.
- So it's, all right, well.
- Luke, is the weather outside frightful? - No. - Is your cigar-- - Wait a minute. - Luke, it is. - It's not. - Is your cigar so delightful? - No. - Do you have any place to go? - Yes.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Good will to all men.
Can we admit this morning we all got presents thanks to me.
Look, this is what the outside is fight for.
That is true.
No, I'm not talking to you guys. I don't like you guys. I don't like you. But the booze is so delightful. Do you like my jumper that cost two and a half thousand dollars? It is quite good. Thank you. Look, what color are my socks? Burgundy. Burgundy jacket. Burgundy shirt. Burgundy socks. Burgundy lizard skin shoes. What's his name? So if I were an anchorman. Here, show me how it's done. So if I were a news anchor.
Who would I be?
I don't know. Wrong Burgundy.
Why not Tristan Burgundy? Why not a different Burgundy? You don't know who wrong Burgundy is.
Ron Burgundy would beat the shit out of you. Let's replace him for Ron Burgundy.
Thank you.
Doesn't mean anything.
It does. It does. Take confidential viewing nonsense. All we do is talk nonsense the whole time.
This is our life.
You guys think it stops once the camera stops. No, it doesn't.
There's loads of nonsense all the time. So what color am I wearing?
Burgundy, I know.
we're probably making ourselves crazy.
We're like crazy people.
A band of crazy people. Because all our inside jokes are so stupid and because all we do is talk shit all the time, it does hinder us from ever making any other friends. Because when anyone else sits around us, they're like, who the fuck are these weirdos? Yeah, we're just a bunch of weirdos. We have good friends.
The friendship circle.
Brad Justice, Crazy Mexican Mitchell, Lunatics. All the lunatics. All the crazy people are our friends. Yes. Yeah. It's a band of crazy people. Yes. It's a psych ward. An open, fresh air, open air psych ward.
We're the best people in the universe.
This is stupid. You're stupid. This is stupid. I don't want to be stupid. He's about to do it. It's stupid. You're stupid. Go to the real world. Go to the real world. It's the sound of Christmas cheer, Luke. Christmas comes just once a year, Luke.
Nerd.
You're stupid. You're stupid. You're stupid. Well, I just I just tricked you to drink the whole drink by shaking my glass of ice. By drinking your own drink. And I'm the stupid one? Yeah, yeah. You drank your own drink. Exactly.
This is stupid. And now we're going to reset the timer.
Christmas crackers. You don't have these in America? No, we don't. Then how do you wear your paper hats? Why do you want paper hats for Christmas? It doesn't make sense. Goodwill to all men. This is stupid. Oh, this dish is stupid.
Why did the Scarifar win an award? Award? Yeah. Because he was the best in his field.
This is stupid.
I got one as well. If these are stupid then why do I have this? It doesn't make sense though. I call you my cracker. I know I got a stupid cheese grater. Oh stupid. I'm stupid you need to grate some cheese. Put your hat on. I thought Christmas doesn't fit your hat. Why did the chicken get a penalty?
for foul play. That's good. It's not good. It's bad. And then they get these shit hats. Whoa. I mean, did you just say shit? Yeah.
Tristan refused to come. So it's just you and me for Christmas. So it's us for Christmas. He's the great one. Tristan literally, we had this big table for six. None of our friends came and Tristan refused to come. We have no friends.
- So it's you and me.
With our Christmas hats. With our Christmas hats. And Tristan even said, when I said dinner, he said, fuck off.
I went too bad. I know. He's the Grinch. He's the Grinch. This is super nice. I'm super happy. Thank you, Andrew. This is super fun. Goodwill to all men. Goodwill to all men. Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
we're we're like 12 drinks in it's actually ridiculous no it's stupid i feel like shit and we didn't record any of it what's this made of glass you know what you're made of glass that's how easy it is to snap you luke you piece of shit you fucking loser don't tell me i'm
we need a drink i've had enough of you it's christmas hello my friend can we have six more drinks please see for each yes please thank you very much my friend lots of lime juice you're ready brother you already ordered six and they gave us three we take a secret about the world he is the manager of this bar he looked at me directly when i broke his little piece of glass
be with my black eye and my skinhead and he knows that if you want to fight i'll fight listen i'm a cool guy but if you want to fight i will fight i will try now you may win very unlikely these people don't even know myself it's truly unlikely but they're like do i really want to fight this man he's clearly he's clearly been fighting he does it often he always does it recently that's who i am that's what i do i want everyone's at home to know
Luke.
It's fucked. Next year is the year where I kick the living fuck out of Luke on every single fucking episode.
want straightener Luke we're gonna fucking have one and if you refuse to fight back I'll beat you up anyway every single fucking episode next year start with me and the fuck out of you until you finally beat me so good luck start training fuck you and the first stage of training is drink your fucking booze more booze is coming my friend more booze more booze more chicks more money more
I make $10 million a year, and guess how much I spend of the $10 million? Fuckin' all of it. It's all gone. I blast it into fun. $10 million, I spend all of it. Fuck you, Lou.
Fuck you.
It's all coming to an end. You, me, Tristan, all of us. Coming to an end. We're all either dying or going to jail. This year, I'll take confidential. I've had enough of you and your shit.
*laughs*
-
- Thank you.
♪ I'm gonna take you home ♪
- That's a hell of a list.
I can't do it. We're so deep.
I don't think people realize. No one watching realizes.
You're all mortals like me.
You don't realize.
You don't understand.
You don't understand. We didn't film any of the poor bitch.
Thank you.
You don't understand.
This can't just be starting.
just started. For fights.
You guys...
- I think we should find him. - Well, he can't see me. He doesn't think he's in front of us, 'cause he's not aware of mine.
This doesn't make sense. We're in the nicest establishment in London possible. We're literally...
It doesn't make sense.
- You're fine. - We're the only people.
It's yes or no. If you don't answer, the answer is yes. No, it's no. Also opposite.
Shit!
Do you want to fight?
AHH! But it is an opposite day. But you don't know it's opposite day before I said that. It's opposite day which means- I'm confused.
Do you want to fight?
*grunt*
Okay, alright, smartly.
Peace out.
Now you're talking. Now you're coming up with real solutions.
It is not not opposite day.
Thank you.
Don't you... wouldn't you like to not drink with me?
*Music*
The name Zara means "Clean" Religion "Muslim"
Luke, why do you look depressed? This guy. That's for sure. Luke, why do you look so sad?