Transcript
♪ ♪
Alright, so you just got up.
We're all getting around.
I'm low-key terrified.
Because you said that today's the day.
and that you have to move on my diet.
So today we're on my lap. - Where's your coffee? I'm on number one.
Let's start, first got two years of war.
*Outro*
We don't need cigars first thing in the morning. No one's awake. Vitamin C! Everyone knows the importance of vitamin C. What does cigar mean, Luke?
- See? - That's right, coffee, cigars. Now, unfortunately,
two of my females are asleep.
And my waiter is not here yet. He doesn't start for 45 minutes. So we're just going to have some more water.
*clap*
I've not even finished my two leaders.
I know it's Pride Month.
But you're going to have to up your game.
Okay.
Come out closet.
Drinker, water.
Have your right in the seat. It's good for you. You're going to feel great today. You're never going to have felt this energized in your life.
It's going to be amazing. After we have two or three coffees, we can have our fire blood.
Alex, we're going to die. We're actually going to die. I do this every day. I know you do. This is how I eat every day. It's not special. Everyone makes fun of me. I eat every day. But when we fight, how come...
I win.
Thank you.
I have no rebuttal to that. You've had two liters of water. Now we're about to have... How much is in these? I don't even know.
Rich!
Six of these make two liters. Three of these make a liter. Three hundred and thirty milliliters. And you have thirty a day. At least.
You're gonna overdose on water. I'm not gay. I don't die from water.
Sorry.
And don't spread mouth Bailey, but you stop being gay and smoke a cigar.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
*Groans*
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye.
Thank you.
One hour later.
Come on, baby.
Nice. Nice. Well done.
I'm gonna throw up. Just kidding.
You know what? Nothing seems better to me right now than washing down my water with some fresh water. Tell me about it. Now you're talking. Let's go. I'm going to swallow your smoke.
Makes you strong. Alex, your turn.
Alex, that two liters is full. Full Alex. I'm gonna drink two liters. Alex! Alex, I just did it, you do it.
I will do it half
Alex, there's no- - You gotta drink it. My mind's been done the first five minutes, bam. - Okay, five minutes. - There's no half measures. Full measures are needed. - Five minutes is- - Alex, off. - I can get it in 30 seconds.
Alex, are you scared of water?
Fuck me, this is my house.
I need five meters more. Why?
Sorry.
I'm not trained to drink like this. For me neither. All right. He's one can down, two liters down.
- Easy shit. - He literally doesn't need to film me. Film everyone else.
Tristan's a consumption champ. Tristan can live my diet, no problem. I know he can, but I'm documenting it. Alex and baby were struggling with their two years of water. I finished my water. Whose water's still full? Alex.
It's not a crime to have a cigar.
I'm smoking. I'm not complaining.
Alex, that's how a hero does it.
Two liters down, 15 seconds. Let's go, T. Let's go.
*Gasp* Alex quit being a little bitch, drink your water.
Cannon as well. Deeper.
Alex, finish your water.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Keeping score.
and I
Now I have a can down, two liters down, one coffee down.
Let's do this. Let's do this. Alex, let me finish this water. No, Alex does not finish his water. Bully him. Almost done.
Thank you.
Tristan, I've got a tally system going. What have you had today? These cigars are very,
So we have to finish all of it.
What have I had today? I actually woke up at 6.30, so I actually had two coffees.
That will rain for me. For two coffees. And some water from like this much of a bottle. One of those two.
But now you see why that's not a possible thing. Tristan, you pounded two liters in a matter of seconds.
My man. That a boy, Alex. - Almost enough to eat.
Two plates and a half minutes.
Nice.
- Go over to the warden, too, y'all.
Top of the morning.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Mmm.
That's all.
Right.
Now it's time to start.
- It's a cave.
with nicotine.
equals protein.
Coffee one done. Don't worry. The coffee's coming for everybody.
Kind of worn them too.
Whew.
Nice.
- The mask? - Fall down. Oh my God.
Thank you.
- Very much. All copies, yeah. - Look. - It's fine. Just leave them like that.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Bye.
Thank you.
- That's why I'm not working with cream.
40. Just one thing, I'm gonna wait 15 minutes till it's cold and neck it in one.
Hmph.
Yeah.
Alex, you are super behind.
What do you mean?
You're one coffee behind.
you're one can of water behind.
Ah, it's true.
is true.
But that is not a problem.
The hardest part was to drink these two liters
Not gonna lie, that was kind of hard.
My diet is designed
to make me as irritable as possible.
Maximum stress.
So, lots of caffeine, lots of nicotine, hunger.
but hydrated.
but very irritable.
on edge.
You know?
because it's how you get things done.
That's how you fight the best.
It's how you lift the most weights, it's how you do the most work.
Everyone's so busy going through life trying to find this peace and happiness bullshit.
Well if I eat a nice meal, have a nice breakfast, then I can sit and relax and enjoy the sunshine. Like a fucking faggot.
No. I'm hungry.
I'm full of caffeine, I'm full of nicotine, and I've got problems to fix.
smoking my cigar anymore net capping a morning to be jittery
You know?
Fast Twitch.
Do you understand?
I have engineered my diet to make me as pissed off as possible. Which is my testosterone level is off the charts.
I'm sure my blood's full of cortisol.
And it feels great.
Fireblood.
-
My diet is the reason why my testosterone level on that stupid chart, which I don't even understand, between 7 and 29 for the normal range is 34 or whatever it is.
because of my diet.
Of course it is.
My diet is designed to make me want to kill.
And I do want to kill him.
all of the time.
That's how you get ahead, Bailey.
That's how you get ahead.
You can't be bound by your morals.
You white people don't get this.
us brown people understand. You're all sitting around in morality.
Fuck that crap off.
You can fix your border crisis.
with a little bit of
You could! I'm just saying, there's nothing to do with diet. You're talking about diet.
What's this rant? If a white man was on my diet, they'd fix their border crisis with bullets.
Two or three snipers.
Done.
Instead you're sitting around going, "We can't just shoot them. Had a nice breakfast this morning. Let's use the water cannons." And then they sit and say, "Oh, you're all barbaric, you people. We use water cannons. We're nice, moral, good people who had our..."
Sunny side up eggs.
But we're invading you, we're gonna take over.
You understand? The people who are coming to your border are hungry.
Pissed off.
You're sitting around with full bellies.
Can't win, not in the long run.
No, sir.
So you keep fucking having your porridge oats.
You little fag.
And my people are going to stay hungry, stay motivated to conquer your shit.
You built the entire modern world, you
white Europeans.
Gave it to us.
Thanks!
Didn't build nothing.
Thanks. Turned up. Yeah. Where's the welfare? Where's the hose?
Good morning. Morning. What's the play?
You have to catch up, bro.
I'm far behind the line. This is just a normal day for me. We're not being crazy. I'm not Tristan.
This is just my normal diet.
your two cans or three cans of water.
Two liter bottle.
I'll, I'm the judge here.
So first of all you need a 2 litre bottle of water, you have to drink it as fast as possible.
Sorry, it's Andrew's diet day.
You need a two liter bottle of water, you need cans of water, you need a cigar, you need about two or three coffees. If you want to catch up.
I have to catch up. Right now.
Two liters of water.
one can of water and one coffee and you have to start a cigar.
All right.
So one coffee.
Thank you.
Trust a black man to seal it.
Hmph.
Nice.
One can of what?
of water.
- Sparkling, yeah? - Start with the big bottle. - Yep. - Two liters. - Two liter bottle of water. - Yeah, you gotta start with the two liters before you do anything. - Before anything? - Before anything. - All right.
Good man.
Everything is.
Thank you.
*knocking*
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Coffee number three.
Just getting fucking started. I'm not going to lie. My stomach kind of hurts.
It does. I feel physically ill.
It's Andrew's cameraman.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Who are you?
Never heard of her. Stranger. Nice boss. Like, all the way. Bro, we all did it. Yeah. What the fuck?
I did mine in about, what do you think, 12, 13 seconds? 15 seconds max. It takes me three or four minutes. I don't do it quick. It's all a race.
We're not in a race. It's just my diet. You don't have to race it, but you do have to do it.
Am I allowed to have additional things like gonsai?
So I have to stick to your diet. I can't do your diet and also have shots of tequila.
- Yeah.
Just checking.
Oh my god. You did that in 10 seconds? Yeah. Yeah, something like that.
The fuck?
I'm scared of war.
-
- Whew.
I'm ready for war.
American government's coming for me, come!
Come!
Coffee, cigar?
Come put me in jail.
Give a fuck.
*laughter*
Never lost a game.
Oh.
I feel like shit. Bro, war is good for you. No, no, you took pass.
After you start the coffee and the smoke, it's good.
You know this is my second one, Marcel. No, Marcel finished it.
- Is it? Let me see. - Yeah.
Uh huh, no bad.
I'm sorry.
I'M GOING TO GO BACK AND
Thank you.
Thank you.
*click click click*
-
*sounds of a gun shooting*
*clicking*
*clicking*
huh
- I'm already deficit tense. - All right, so there's a gallon of water down. - Are you? - What the fuck? - Are you?
*laughs*
That doesn't make sense. What the fuck?
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*outro music*