Transcript
What is this?
you
So where's Andrew?
Donna
What are you doing?
squeezing a hand squeezer.
If I do it a million times a day,
I become powerful enough to crush...
A grapefruit.
With the power of my mind. Is God punishing us?
The new Porsche is here and it's raining.
You can drive in the rain.
That's not exactly what you do when a new Porsche comes. The Porsche has been done and it's yours and you can drive any time of the day.
Yeah, but it's raining.
Is that why Andrew left? He knew it was going to rain?
Listen, Luke.
If I squeeze this a million times a day, the grapefruit won't even leave my hand to crush it.
I can just crush it with the power of my mind.
That's what you should do when it's raining. This is stupid. Don't worry about driving a Porsche.
999 ,999?
999,999? A million.
That's a million today? No, it's not. I have to do a million for a week. No, you've been doing it for a while, but that's not been a million. Did you count...
No. Because I was counting.
This is stupid.
Why? I don't know.
What? Andrew said and you said
There were no more cars to buy. There are not. We built the magazine. Yeah. We have all the cars. Yeah. I...
have bought Andrews away doing his shit
Purchased a new car the best car. We don't need cars. There's one of the best well, but a Pagani ever made
Pagani Shmagani.
You know all the car brands, but are you familiar?
with Russian supercars.
No. I don't think they make it. There is a Russian supercar. I don't think those exist. That exists. They absolutely do exist. I don't think they do. And with everything going on with Russia and Ukraine right now, I thought it'd be difficult...
to get my hands on one of these Washington supercars.
But I managed to get one.
You didn't get a Russian supercar. I absolutely did. It was parked outside. For all of you guys who take confidential, and you can drive the Bugatti every day. The Rolls Royce, the Lambo. I don't want it. I have a new car.
that transcends every other vehicle in terms of coolness, speed, sleek design. The Russians do some things right, I'm telling you.
They don't have a supercar brand. Are you ready for the brand? I've never heard of a supercar Russian brand ever. Well, you're going to come outside and you're about to see.
Welcome to big school. He doesn't, he's lying. So Tristan claims to have this super cool car.
Thank you.
He kept saying, film me drive in.
as if...
He didn't buy a Pagani, and there's no such thing as a Russian supercar, so...
Bye.
It might be a joke, maybe he's trying to lock me out the house.
Alright, it's definitely a car.
What is this?
Hmm.
you
*Piano music*
Thank you.
Told you, Luke.
What is that? It's a super car.
That's not a Russian supercar. It's a Russian supercar.
No parking sensors. I was very close.
- Yes.
That's alright, it's close, but it's fine. Russia's supercar, Lou, what do you think? It's not a Russia supercar. It is a Russia supercar. What is it? This is the Lava 1500. This is the coolest car in the world. What does that mean? Admit it's the coolest car that we have. It was made in the USSR.
It's not the coolest car we own. - Well, I'm driving it everywhere. Club.
restaurant, Italy
We have a Bugatti.
I'll drive you to Satrape.
You could drive it. Would it even get there?
You could drive the Bugatti. This will get anywhere, mate. This came all the way here from Moscow. I don't think it'll get anywhere.
But I love it, I don't give a shit if you like it, but I don't.
It doesn't even have a mirror on this side. Doesn't need a mirror on that side. It's actually got really good visibility.
To be fair,
Besides the Rolls Royce, this car probably has the best visibility of any car that we own. That can't be true. Luke, sit in it. It's completely true. Besides the Rolls Royce, best visibility. It literally doesn't have a right mirror. But you can still see completely out of the way. So how could you see here?
Where I'm standing. I don't need to.
I don't want to look at you.
Why would I try to look at you?
steel construction heavy steel it's steel none of this crappy carbon fiber these cars made out yeah but they're made out of carbon fiber for a reason yeah this steel is stronger
No, but it's supposed to crunch up. It's not supposed to be strong. Otherwise, all the energy goes into you, the little person inside. I think the top automotive...
engineers of 1979 Moscow know a little bit more than you
That's right, 1979. That's when this car was built.
All original parts.
I
- Paint, windows, the engine, the oil, brake fluid, all original. - Okay, so.
To clarify, this is not a Russian supercar. Is it? Is it Russian?
It might be Russia. Will this turn heads when you're driving down the street? I don't think so.
it's kind of just a plain car.
It's not a plane car. It's very small.
This is my new everyday driving car. This is something special. This is my new everyday driving car. This is something special. I will not have you insult the ladder. That is not something special.
My favorite.
This is something special.
I'm just showing the take-off potential viewers, the actual special things. Like that piece of shit over there? Yeah, like the Bugatti. Yeah, that.
Lots of people have car collections in the world. Admit that I might be the only man in the world who has a Bugatti and a Lada 1500.
You might be that man because no other baguette owner wants a ladder. Maybe he's a Russian oligarch who's rich enough and G enough to find himself a working ladder.
Windscreen hypers work.
It's a beautiful car, there.
I know you're jealous. I'm not jealous. I don't think Andrew's going to be jealous either. Andrew's going to be super jealous. I'm leaving it parked here. I moved the lambo on purpose.
and I think this needs the premier parking spot.
So people see it when they walk into the house.
Yes.
It looks-- - Ferrari's pretty cool. The Rolls, the Ascend, they're pretty cool. Boom!
Right in the middle. So we're just going to have this parked here forever. And it's just going to rot. Rot? It's my car. I know, but you're never going to actually drive it. That's a boss key.
None of this fancy lights and buttons and switches like the fucking BMW and the Rolls. Doesn't that mean it's easy to steal?
If someone tries to steal this lot up, they're fucking dead.
This is my pride and joy.
What is the War Room? The War Room is the greatest global network which exists on planet Earth. The War Room is a global organization with members, bases, and influence in over 70 countries. The network contains varied expertise which allows them to exert influence globally. Every member has either achieved or is working towards the ultimate goal of all intelligent men. Freedom. In a world of slavery, despite heavy infiltration of media channels, attempts have been made to be a part of the world.
to silence known leadership. However, their influence has increased. The spread is accelerating. We have identified a new suspect associated with the growth of the organization. Oh yes.
The Matrix cannot allow these minds to be free. Once understood, the Matrix can be exploited. They know how to bend our rules. They know how to win the game.
This network is teaching the truth. They must be stopped. It is imperative we attempt to silence the war room. We must keep our sleeves.
Admit I put that table upside down. - You did? - Admit it. - Tristan put his stool upside down. Let me...
So this is our table now. Okay. Put the remote upside down.
It's true. Okay, I think I'm beginning to understand. Wait a second.
- Thank you.
Hey, pie.
Thank you.
I'm going to put my table.
So the hotel queen staff, do you think we now live in an upside down world?
If you admit we reverse gravity. Hey guys.
Nice. Nice. I think I'm starting to understand. Luke, do you admit that we've reversed correctly? We may have. We might be able to. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
*laughs*
*laughs*
Do you admit the gravity is now inversed?
It might be.
Look, my water is not leaving the ball.
This is what multi-millionaires do in suites in London. Why are we even in this?
hotel. Why are we here in London?
Wait a second.
Um
That is a thing. I saw it.
Thinking of opening a time vortex. That doesn't mean anything.
If I open a hole in space-time, open a time vortex.
Because time doesn't exist. Only clocks exist. Yes, true. So if I go back in time and destroy the clocks, and we can live in a world where no one ever dies,
Do you really like that?
It sounds like nonsense, like you guys look at the tables.
like
Thank you.
If I open the time vortex and destroy all the clocks, we'll all live forever. But that's not time vortex, that's alcohol. If you drink loads and loads of alcohol,
Doesn't time pass quicker? No. Or look, if you had to stay- If you passed out from booze, would time disappear?
- Sort of. - Well, let me ask you a question, Luke. You can tell the time on this watch if I showed you the watch right now, correct?
After 40 vodkas...
It's blurry, correct?
So all minutes and hours of the day
fade into one another. No, but they still pass. No, they don't.
So if I destroy all the clocks,
We'll live forever.
Time isn't real, clocks are real. The problem is, when you open a time vortex, you need two points for the ions to travel between. - Yeah, I hear ya.
Too hot! I see!
I see where this is going. The iPhones have to travel between two points to open a hole in space. Okay, but why is booze involved? Luke.
Why does the booze need to open the iron portal? Because if you had your space suit on, we could transcend through space time without the need for this boozy. But you never fucking do, do you, Luke?
Ever, ever. - Grey Goose is not how you trans, trans,
Go through. What do geese do?
They fly.
Correct?
And you walk like a stupid wingless duck. You walk!
No, I fly. You don't fly. That's a lie. No, you just haven't drank enough. You're thinking in black and white, and I'm thinking in gray.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You moved, Andrew moved left. There's nothing more refreshing.
There is.
- Smooth. - That meat crate goose. - Refreshing.
I don't even need a chaser.
Don't want one.
Come on, Luke. Drink your booze. Shake it with vodka. Drink your booze, Luke. This is not how I on Portal. Drink your booze. Yes, it is. We have to open the iron portal, Luke.
- It's not how they're-- - Drink your booze. - It's not through booze. - It is.
It's not.
It tastes like hairspray and it makes you want to vomit.
It tastes like hairspray.
Can you admit that we are now at a different time than we were a minute ago? The time has changed. You admit the time has changed. I do feel the eye on it. See? I feel...
Alright, phone charger. We got our iPhone charger here. So what are we doing?
Run downstairs with no phone.
No work, no metal. I need metal. So I'm taking this phone to film Take Confidential and besides that we leave all of our phones here.
Is that the plan?
What, the inventory of business? Oh, well the business that doesn't pay us any money? Fuck off.
Come on, Luke. What's the problem? No work to do. One second. Luke!
What's this?
It's a second.
No, what's this?
Let's go.
There is no spin. There is a time vortex loop.
I bent it there.
Which direction did I throw the spoon? You threw it that way. But it hit you. Because I bent it. No, because I bent it. Through the wormhole, out the other side. Out the other side. Come on, Luke. We're going for pipes. Pikes. Pikes, let's go. Oh, I need to work on the multi-million pound business. Pikes.
We need drinking. Pints. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, Luke. Final thing I need to do. Final? Look at him on his laptop.
You speak to the world through your fingers like a...
Incel.
Fuck this. No phones. Leave your phone here. Leave your phone here.
Drop it, Luke.
No phones. Take confidential filming only.
This hotel costs £2,500 a day to stay in.
Do you realize that, Luke? I do. I do realize that.
You realize that this hotel costs two and a half thousand pounds. You guys want me to leave the room? Per room per night. You guys want me to leave the room, waste the room.
waste the nice room.
- Throw it a little bit. - Handle it.
*sweep*
Go wait for the emergency. What emergency? You have to press the button for the wheelchair for the people to come take you and push you. I press the button. Can't you hear beeping? No.
Make your new wheelchair right now.
I am. I admit it. What's this?
Nothing.
Know it
Right, so loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of booze, yeah?
Oh.
Picking up money. I need it. There's two pints.
Luke, what's your favorite animal?
Luke is so upset that he has no electronic devices. Medverse is inside of me. You can't exist in Medverse in your mind. You don't have access. You can't communicate through your fingers. I don't need to communicate.
to communicate the future, saving me time now. What's your favorite animal? I'll be back to you in a sec. Is it a fish? One second. What is your favorite color? One second Tristan, is he? Maybe he's the one you can plug into the mainframe to his mind.
I mean your favorite color is rainbow.
London's alright in the sunshine. It is.
He's in the shade.
looks like he's in the shade clear sun shade do you know what shade's caused by?
no homoerotic fantasies ah it all makes sense now
does doesn't
Yeah.
Luke, you are in the shade. No, I'm in the sunlight. You're in fact. I'm in sunlight. You can't prove that. You know what? I can. Because I'm going to film you right back. You can film me. Double take on me. I'm in the sunlight. I'm going to film you right back being in the shade. And I have sun on me. No. Your phone has been programmed by you to make it look like I'm in the shade. When in fact, I'm in the sun. The bright, warm sun is healing me.
Listen, I think we need to go somewhere that we haven't been in a long time.
- We're going to London. Always complain about it, we always end up here.
Let's go to the moon. You don't have a space suit. I don't have my space suit, but they might give me one. No, they won't give me one. When you finally put your space suit on, we'll go to the moon. Let's get bikes and do it as him and go cycling. That does not sound fun.
I'm going to go.
Let's take the supercars and drive through Europe again.
Tristan, what are we doing?
We could form Andrew that multiple door.
you
I mean, I don't have to inform you because you heard them.
For me, you want?
Tristan said he's not talking to you. Can you let Tristan know that even if he doesn't talk to me I'll just talk to him through you.
Thank you.
Hi Tristan.
Do you really want me to explain what Andrew said? I'm not talking to Andrew, but I'm not listening to you.
- Sex.
Over here. Caviar. All right, so we agree. Caviar. That means we have to go to... Where? Belarus again?
Thank you. What?
You see what's wrong, right? It's not just me. I'm not going crazy. Sushi? You're a sushi eater.