Transcript
Good shot there from Tate!
you
Yo.
What is this Porsche I can get out of it?
I think I'm taking a look.
Where are we?
Brendan Wiggins. All right lads. Nice car. It is a nice car. Our life is a huge adventure. Our life is a huge adventure dotted with a never ending series of unfortunate events. Never ending. The unfortunate events never end. The adventure never ends. Yeah. Although this time
- Nothing's gone wrong yet. - Nothing's gone wrong yet. - Yet. - Yeah, we did almost up the flat tire scare. - Yeah. - Something's gonna go massively wrong. - Has to. It's the way of the universe. - We'll see. These three cars in a row are really big.
- So Rory, you're Sleepy Joe.
No, well I didn't leave myself sleeping here. If you fall asleep. Keep falling asleep.
I think you fell asleep. Because I was listening to Tristan's Russian
17th century Bible. I'm listening to an audiobook on the Battle of Stalingrad.
It was so monotone, it was literally...
The horse galloped into the hill with the soldier on his back. No one has mentioned the horse in the five hours after the
been playing. Then what's cavalry then Tristan? Because that's confusingly if this one's all over. They said that the German 16th Panzer Division
the last cavalry division
in the German army, get this mechanized two years before that. Okay, and look at the cavalry. That's what he said. What did the cavalry do?
No. They rode horses.
up the mountain.
What happened?
It was so monotone. There was no singing, no rapping. They could have broke into a little remix every chapter or so.
Well, they could have at least threw in a little core or something.
Thank you.
I don't know, it was just... It's a tremendous community.
I find it super cool. It was so interesting I couldn't keep my eyes on it. I never had the time to read anything.
Everybody.
new hours and hours of Stalingrad. - Listen, they spoke about something interesting, like the creation of dominoes. I might have listened a bit more. - So, Tristan's history, man, and Rory's sleepy Joe.
No, I wasn't even sleepy, John. I was just... I was running out of options, Luke. I was running out of options.
There's only so much you can do. - Don't fuck you out.
We're trapped. We needed the unfortunate event. And this is it. We're trapped. We're always falling trapped.
This is our calendar. Same calendar.
So Andrew's little driving adventures are the highlight of his year.
And this time I saw
more to myself I would not complain. Independently I've said to you and I've said to you,
I'm not complaining in front of Andrew. This is true. He's gonna say I complain
And he's gonna say,
He's going to say that I'm ruining it.
But he just asked me, he goes, why don't you make me having fun?
Let me explain to you something. You believe that driving is the funnest thing men can do. It's so fun to drive supercars.
say all the time.
The only things that don't worry, fighting driving today,
Those last eight hours have been the biggest load of ass shit in my life. I would rather stay eight hours at Disneyland
with the Gestapo trying to silence me and drive cars on French motorways. The only thing I enjoyed about today
was listening to my Stalingrad audio.
And I could have done that. But at my pool, at my house, in the sun. That was shit. That was shit. With a bunch of hoes.
- Sitting on a motorway.
fucking Sleepy Joe next to me, nonning off.
waking him up
No, nothing about that is fun. Nothing about it is fun. Motorways are not fun. Yeah, I know, I know.
Hours and hours and hours and hours of motorway.
And on this trip, we'll get about...
five 20 minute periods
where you can win around fast, which I can also do
my own country.
So no, it's not fun, is it?
You brats. Cut that off, cut that off.
So what's that line? Yeah, guitar, cool. Dinos, on, cool. Nice. I'm so good.
*music* Yeah, one of these people who were driving these fast cars that it seems to have fucked up ahead. Yeah.
As I drive back that would be good. That would be good. What are you doing? I knew it the French people hi baby It's not like Romania where it means that there's cops. They're flashing like haha. Yeah, one of your friends has crashed Little did you idiot little do they know that I have no friend. Yeah, we have no friends You're not my friend. Yeah, and you definitely don't have fans either exactly and you haven't crashed because you're in my car. Yep
I saw the flashes. Yeah. It was, uh, you fucking idiots. Well, you do speak French. I do. I do. I speak French. To be fair. I speak French. I do immediately. Hey, you idiots. You crashed.
All right. Let's grab a look.
A French villager. A French villager has thrown shit at one of the cars in a spanned crash. So now the English are smashing his house up. Nice. Let's get out of here. Woo!
Well because obviously he was driving too fast. I don't blame him. Too much flexing. I will get some horse manure. I know how to stuff those pesky cars. You cannot flex in the forest. Woo. So now the English is crunched the guys' house up. Yeah. Go.
What's Rory doing? There's no film with Rory.
Nice French people. So I'm gonna look for the Frenchman. Ah, so there's the shit. There's the trash. And that's his house. There's the Frenchman. Nice.
Yeah. He's decided to attack us.
So we're under attack by the French. Don't. Please don't. The French have attacked us.
Trashman didn't get us. He fucking got us. He is a hero.
He is a superhero.
The funny thing is, since we all have the damn thing on the cars, it's very easy for the cops to say, yeah, this one's good, this one's bad. This one's good, and this one's bad. Andrew, Trashman is a hero. He's a superhero. He's a cop. Trashman smashed the windscreen with the trash, and when he tried to fight it, pulled a gun. Trashing gun! That's a move!
How do you counter that? How do you counter that move?
Right, so he smashed the windscreen. Yeah, with the trash. So what happened is he went out with the trash. He seized the guys. They cut him off or something. He smashed the windscreen with the trash. Then they all tried to fight him. He pulls his gun. So what do you do? How do you stop that move? The trashing gun is a classic.
Your wallet is in there. Yeah, I don't so Tristan what happened
So we were a bit wrong about Trashman. - Yeah, so we're on our way to Nicky Beach.
It turns out
The trash man
isn't the hero I thought he was.
Apparently for no reason
He smashed...
Jay's windscreening. Jay's another guy who was
smashed his windscreen in.
And then all the guys got out.
and jumped it.
and then smashed his house up.
Then they tried to pull a gun and they took the gun off of him. Yeah. So it turns out the English have beaten the French once again.
It's true. It is a shame. It's 1815 all over again.
and Trashman got disarmed and got his house smashed up. Yeah.
He basically surrendered. Yeah. That's basically surrendering. We lost, we lost a cavalry unit. Yeah. But we lost a horse. We lost a horse. Yeah. His, his, his own base.
is destroyed. Yeah.
So,
Now the police are just talking a bunch of French.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
And I'm just gonna hang around, smoke a cigar, try to find some booze.
That does sound nice. - Chill out. Rory's got booze. We have booze in Rory's bag.
price
a bottle of vodka. I'm taking super piss super bad.
Same.
I don't want the police... I know, exactly. Try and raise some new charges against me. Yeah. I'll hold it for 15 minutes. If they let me go, I'll go to the next gas station. But maybe, if I start speaking French to them...
couple of last time.
They are aren't they? Hello, no one is? No one?
Mm-hmm.
- No.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, is that dope?
He said no, that's English. He said no.
- Do you want to get in?
- Thank you.
No indication.
No, it's not a problem.
How is everyone here? No one can speak one bit of French. We need one translator.
No.
No.
Police.
Oh, yeah, what did you do?
So this is Monaco. This is Monaco my friend. That's where all the money is. It's not often I feel poor. It does look rich. I will admit. This might be one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen. Yeah, it is nice. You ain't got a 20 million pound yacht, you ain't rich. Monaco. Cars don't mean that day. Yeah. It's about boats and Monaco.
I wasn't rich. I wanted to feel rich. So I went to the best restaurant and I started to order the best stuff. Best steak, best oysters. Everything I wanted off the menu. Just me. Whole bill is like 950 euros for just me to have dinner by myself.
Anyway, the waiter turns to me and goes, ah, so what are you celebrating? Assuming I was celebrating something because I spent so much money. I just said, Tuesday, as if I was some kind of gangster. And he laughed.
laughs like haha just another normal day really that was half the money I had in the world and I was broke but now rich so it's okay
that would make you feel rich here the best rest of everything best stop yeah
so listen look
I can't be bothered to get changed. I can put on a suit, look slick, do the James Bond shit, drive the cars to the nice places, or... We can get a bit of Luton on Monaco. Luton in Monaco. Means what you... means...
You take some booze, you walk around boozing. So you want to find a corner shop and buy cheap booze in Monaco? I mean, can you think of anything more fun to do?
We're in Monaco. I feel it. No one cares about you, Luke.
I'm not your fucking tour guide.
Luke, finish your beer. You're embarrassing us. We're all finished. Finish your beer. Tristan. Yeah? I do fresh. What's the mess? I do fresh. Wonderful. Cheers, guys. What's happening? Luke, nobody likes us.
event this is a liter of beer no it's a liter of beer because you haven't finished this time
Thank you.