Transcript
*Dramatic music*
We are live. I won't give you a statement. I'm telling you what I'm saying.
*Outro*
-
Thank you.
So.
you
you
Bye.
you
- Got no more days?
Thank you.
House arrest.
Thank you.
Not for a crime we didn't commit, for a crime that didn't even fucking happen. A crime that never took place. We're not arrested because we're the wrong people for the crime. We're arrested for an imaginary crime that never happened. Yeah, an imaginary crime.
There is no crime.
So what I've done is I bought 500 steaks.
Thank you.
Thousands of hours.
Thank you.
Full-time masseuses.
Full time sushi guys.
a chef to cook the steaks.
What else do we need to turn our mansion into the ultimate prison, Pablo Escobar style?
- Mm, Chesky. - When I'm enjoying my dinner of a cigar and a steak. - Chesky?
Jet skiing in the pool. Nice.
We have our baguettes outside. Admit it or pay the price. What's the price? Straightener.
Perfect for cruising around the garden.
Right, just skiing the port.
Anything else we need to do?
Lots of hot sauce, obviously, because I'm not your fucking cousin. Where the fuck is your cousin?
I don't have a cousin.
I'm still scared.
Thank you.
Fucking dork. Just get in jail for him.
I won't have your cousin talking shit about jail around me. I like jail.
I'm gonna keep the beard until house arrest ends, then I'm gonna shave it off.
I'm not gonna conquer the world. Oh wait, I already have.
I've never been on Twitter ever without me trending. Ever.
I'm basically the coolest and most popular and most relevant man on the planet.
And you're under arrest.
on my arrest for crime didn't even happen.
And I got full time assistance.
Thank you.
I'm just kidding.
*music*
♪ ♪
Second month of house arrest.
Still in jail?
You know?
Isn't it funny?
When things are taken away from you,
You want them. You don't know what you got till it's gone.
You know?
I'm in the house with my Jacuzzi and
millions of dollars in my mansion.
endless women coming over to massage my back.
Training hard.
But there's things I can't do, like I can't go outside. And we think, well, I could go outside, there's so much I would do.
But would you?
What do you mean?
Would you actually go outside or would you be sitting in your house knowing that you could?
I think life would be perfect.
if I could just gaze down on the earth below.
that chair.
You don't know that's not true.
Now that I can't go on that chair, there's nothing I want more. I'd give up all of our wealth.
all of our hundreds of millions of dollars. Guys, he doesn't mean it. For an hour's sit.
on that chair.
Alright, I'm just gonna pan and people can guess what chair.
That's it. That's all people get. They can guess which chair he wants to sit in. Tristan, there's nothing I want more than to leave these gates, which I'm not allowed to do.
I'd give up all our money
I'd give my right hand. You wouldn't.
to sit
and gaze down on the earth below from that chair. Imagine how good life would be from that chair. - You've made that up.
I have no desire to be in that chair.
You must want to sit on that chair. And neither do you.
What the chair?
you
you
Thank you.
Thank you.
so now I'm thinking of a grand scheme to sneak out at night and sit on the chair or get a grappling hook and like get the chair over. The chair won't be in the right place but at least I'll have the chair
Something needs to be done.
What if I get a bunch of drones and they fly over and they like land and pick up the chair? I'm gonna stop talking to you. Tristan, this is important. I want house arrest. I want everyone to know that this is why house arrest is intolerable.
Because of him. What do you mean?
I don't like house arrest. You love house arrest. Take me back to jail. You get to be with me, your friend. That's not true.
Never thought you would left me, mate. That's automatic. I feel like a devil when I'm strapping.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Why are you standing outside?
It's cold.
enjoying a cup of coffee.
in the morning thinking of all the things I'm going to do when I'm finally free.
from my house imprisonment.
You know, we've been living wrong, you and I.
We haven't.
Life's amazing. We've been flying around on private jets. We've been going to the most exclusive places in the world. We've been driving Bugattis through Dubai. We've been flying our Bugatti around the world. We've been doing all this crazy stuff. But really, we've been missing out on the simple things. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. Now they're taking it away from me. I realized that all of this time I would have been far happier if I was sitting.
on that chair.
That's not true. It is true.
I don't know what for years.
We've been in this house perfectly capable of going over there and sitting on that chair. All we have to do is deal with the person whose chair it is.
Why are you in my house? Why are you on the chair? We can fix that.
Instead, we were running around the world trying to find contentment.
in our hearts.
But that's where contentment lies!
Now they've taken it away from me. Now I'm not allowed to leave this gate. I understand how perfect life can be on that chair. All right. You need to fucking accept. I'm going inside. No, once house arrest is over, we're sitting on that chair. No, I'm going inside. There's a chair and there's a little canister. You can sit on the canister. I'm going inside. Tristan. I'm tired of you. No, you need to sit out here with me and dream a dream. No, I don't. No. Dream a dream. I'm sick of you.
You can go there.
Tristan, we're on house arrest.
So I thought I'll do something I've never done before.
I would use my quarter of a million dollar television.
Look at it.
Now I don't know if, you know those, when the camera records the other screen flickers and stuff, I don't know if it's going to do that.
But for all the people at home, the brokings,
That's a badass TV.
And I don't watch TV, ever. But I'm on house arrest. I came out of jail.
They attempted to destroy me, but I'm still a trillionaire. So I thought, you know what? I might as well use this house arrest technique.
to
"Rest and relax.
To gather my chi,
for the Aikido of the future.
So I talk to you later.
Let's watch a movie with my brother. I've done it a few times. We've watched some amazing movies.
But tonight I wasn't sure what movie to watch, so I thought, let's go to the Apple TV and let's see the number one top movies chart.
Because I thought that Hollywood was dead. I had this impression that nobody gave a shit anymore about Hollywood. And they just came up with terrible ideas and rehashed a bunch of garbage.
But I was wrong. Because if you go to the top movies charts,
We have.
Avatar.
the way of war, pretending to be someone else in someone else's body, like...
That's the internet all over now, isn't it? All these fucking dorks. But that doesn't offend me.
What actually upset me genuinely deep in my heart
Because I have so little faith left for humanity, please understand. I have so little left.
And it's the tiny straws that break the camel's back, the little nails in the coffin.
The second most watched movie.
is Ant -Man.
Who the fuck is Ant -Man? Hi, I'm Scott. I've already discussed Spider -Man at length. All superhero movies are stupid and it's all bullshit, but the worst of them all is Spider -Man. Spider -Man is a bitch. If you like Spider -Man, you need to seriously reassess your life.
I'm not sure.
Parker, some shit.
You're Spider-Man.
and she still won't have sex with you.
It's not working. You and me. What?
But I am genuinely, maybe it's because I spent too long in fucking jail. I can't be here. I can't be here. I'm under house arrest. I didn't know there was an Ant-Man.
How lazy do you have to be as a superhero creator to sit and look at Spider-Man and go, hmmm.
what's weaker and shitter than a spider
Ant-Man!
Hiya champ, how was school today? And his backup, his number two is called The Wasp.
This can't be real. This can't be a movie. Why is it number two? Who is watching this?
Ant-Man. I've never seen Ant-Man. Let me guess the flaw. A man with some characteristics of an ant?
And his sidekick, the Wasp. And man and the Wasp teaming up. Follow my lead. Who can fly?
end up in a battle against
They spray?
And they went.
I don't even need to watch that movie to know it's shit. And the worst thing is, it's number two. People are paying for this with money. They're paying for this voluntarily, watching this.
with their own time. And they go, well, I don't know why I'm still a brokey stuck at the Matrix. I just enjoyed Ant-Man. Ant-Man is fucking her attack on your mind.
Don't you understand? This is beyond how trash Ant-Man is.
This is a larger psyop on your human psyche.
In the 1980s,
You grew up and you wanted to be Steven Seagal. You wanted to walk into the bar and say, "Hey, don't talk to that girl."
We're leaving her alone. Aikido!
And destroy all the men in the bar. That's fine. But now these kids are growing up and they want to do more.
- Ants? - They would be ants? Like your cousin, Luke?
That's it? That's everyone's fucking aspiration?
Ant-Man? Steven Seagal doesn't play fucking Ant-Man! Where's the action heroes?
Who the fuck plays Ant-Man?
I am pissed. Who plays Ant-Man?
No idea. No. Ant-Man actor.
Paul Rush. Who the fuck is that?
Describe Paul Rudd to me.
I think he's the guy who played
Brian Fantana on Anchorman.
Listen.
He's pretending to be an ant. So he's clearly desperate for work. If I was an actor and they came along and said, "Andrew, do you wanna pretend to be an ant?" I'd say, "Get fucked, no."
Spider-Man is already the worst superhero. I've already discussed this at length, and now we have Ant-Man.
and the wasp. And it's not just about the fact that they're making shit movies. It's the fact that Hollywood sit down with the number one propaganda system on earth. They're designed to enslave you. They're trying to attack your psyche. They sit around this table and they say, the young boys, all of you are going to watch the next action movie. We need to instill them with all of our propaganda and make them as weak and lame as possible because we don't want anyone to grow up like Entertate. That's why we don't talk about Entertate in school. That's why we delete Entertate to the internet. You're not allowed to be a G. You have to be a fucking nerd so we can
So let's create a fucking action movie that all the kids are gonna watch, they're gonna grow up with, they're gonna watch, and be fucking ants! Ants! In a colony!
Slaves inside the colony walking in a fucking line with no individual sovereign capability. By themselves do nothing. But if they're part of the machine, if they're part of the matrix, if the ants stay part of the matrix, they might be able to live somewhere underground in the fucking dirt. Live in Barrow like your fucking cousin. It's bullshit!
♪ ♪
Emergency meeting. It's an emergency.
I've been a very important life decision this Feel like we need to take things to the next level
And I've decided that today, you and me.
Has problems.
are gonna sit down and do what we should have done
all this time. We are going to watch anime.
Not Ant-Man and the Wasp!
The first Ant-Man.
Thank you.
Then Ant-Man and the Wasp. We're not watching Ant-Man. I draw the line at Ant-Man.
would be exponentially better if I analyse every aspect
of how I live. The one thing that's missing
Is that I have yet to see Ant-Man. We're not watching Ant-Man. I may be on house arrest for the next 10,000 years and I will never watch Ant-Man.
I will never, I will never, I will never watch Ant-Man.
I'm going to use your debit cards.
to pay
Trent Antman.
Every day, not buy it, rent it on Apple TV every single day, $3.99, until you sit down and watch it.
And the money will be deducted from your account daily until you finally
See the truth. That's fine. I can afford that. No, you can't. Yes, I can. But the humiliation, how it makes you feel inside, you can't afford.
when Paul Rudd has made
thousands of dollars from me.
Constantly renting airmen.
Thank you.
It's the next stage of our evolution. - Tristan, I'm really concerned about your white supremacy. And I'm traumatized.
I also think you're transphobic.
I don't want to be on house arrest with a person who is white supremacist and transphobic.
What are your pronouns?
Why are you... If you're gonna make me watch Ant-Man...
You're going to refer to me as my pronouns the entire time. What are your pronouns?
Amen.
- I don't know. - Hand and man are my pronouns. What are your pronouns?
Thank you.
You're a white supremacist. Can you admit you're a white supremacist? This is the face of white supremacy.
This is the face of being... Face of transphobia!
Just a moment.
*intro music*
I feel alive.
*Dramatic music*