Transcript
Oh, Tristan, you can't... To be fair though, I suppose you do look actually very, very classy.
*music* Nice champagne. From Perignon Vincen's 2004s.
A very empty glass of water in my Adidas tracksuit. What do you mean?
What do you mean? I think it's like in the bum section. There are people in business and economy dressed better. Correct.
So clearly they're making a mistake somewhere. Somewhere down the line.
*Continues to the bathroom*
fucking intolerable geek. Oh, he can't. He can't be biologically related to me. He must be adopted into the family. He's not my cousin. There's no universe that he has any DNA in common with me. There's no way he's my cousin. In fact, I'm not sure we even descend from the same human ancestors in the African Rift Valley. I think he's independently evolved. As a nerd. Yeah. He may be extraterrestrial. Extraterrestrial nerd. ETN. His nerd levels are galactic.
So now we have to go spend loads of money and then come back and
Luke names.
Me not like the journey bit long, but I get a man born, I'm going to show me chang. When me get my first number one, me buy the house for me, my diamond. I mean, I'll come from. So you're going to give me a friend. You don't have any friends.
You don't have friends. Nobody likes you. I'm putting an Apple Watch. You don't want it? You want me an Apple Watch. I have it for tech. I have an AP. I would want an Apple Watch.
I'm gonna shoot myself in the face and check my heels out of the wash. Why? I'd rather cut my hand off.
You cut your hand off me. No, I'm gonna wear an AP. I'm wearing Rolex. I'm wearing a shirt.
You're busy, the world must be good to coffee.
You wanna come for a 250 pound coffee? Do you want coffee? Do you think I'm gonna say no to that?
Make sure you're not farm fool.
Well you fly, then you stay a virgin, and then what, you land and you're a geek? Yeah, what do you do? So you do this. Is that what happens? You stand on it like this, okay? Okay? You check your phone, no women have messaged you, okay? You get off your skateboard, you go home, porn, video games, cry, and then skateboard again. I think it's a cycle. That's why I can't skateboard. Yeah, because the other steps are too hard for me. No women on the phone, jerking off, porn, porn, video games. Because I can't do that, I'm just not an actual skater. Yeah, that's how it goes. Sorry, bro.
So what do you have to say to skaters?
Do I really need more enemies? You know what I'm gonna say to skaters? I'm top G. I love everybody universally. I just think with all the time you're investing in doing kickflips, you could perhaps, I don't know, learn to box, learn to fight, get rich. I mean, but if you really want to do kickflips, do kickflips. I'm full of love for everybody. I don't hate anyone. I do not marginalize. I'm not bigoted in any form, even against skateboarders. Even the virgins on skateboarders. They're all my friends. Everyone's my friend.
Come on. Everyone, sir.
The distance said about me
We do this every year and it's stupid.
What do you mean?
It's stupid.
Do whatever you're...
This, this nonsense every year,
I stand to correct you, we do not do this every year, we do this every time we come to London.
you
It's multiple times a year. It's multiple times a year. But it's complete nonsense. Why?
I did a little bit of shopping. It's not a little bit of shopping. This is probably literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shopping.
It's stupid.
Dorme.
Listen, he thinks it's stupid that I spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on shopping, but Luke does not understand that money is not real and I'm a master of ice. He does.
I will admit, I don't remember. There's more here. Yeah, of course the Rays.
I don't remember what most of this stuff is. But at the time I wanted it. At the time I wanted it. Tristan? Loose complaining about me spending too much money. Or what? What did you buy?
Bro, all this shit. I can't remember. Oh, you bullshit.
Eyeball shit! This...
is all cigar paraphernalia and accessories. Are you aware? Yeah, so that's about a thousand. Look at this.
Limited edition.
Joker.
This is number three of 288. $5,000. $5,000 for a lighter. Do you agree we need that lighter until he loses it?
But that's what I mean. Don't lose it. No, no, no. I can't lose it because I bought six other DuPont lighters. So I can lose it first. It's now number seven. These are special edition limited edition. How much does that cost? Davidoff's is rose gold.
Oh, some money. It costs some money. Luke, do you agree? This is stupid. Guys, this is stupid. Do you agree that he needs his $5,000 lighter until he loses it?
But that's what I need. He doesn't need it. Until he loses it. He's going to lose it. Exactly. We know he's going to lose it. Until he loses it, he needs it.
So do you admit that I could slice your face off with this if I wanted to? Yes, I do. It's Christmas, Luke.
But that's not, this isn't Christmassy. This is Christmas. Who kicked out of the tree last time? Now he's threatening to slice my face off. I don't want an iPad. Apple's with, devil. It's brand new. It's yellow. I don't, we don't need it. I bought it for you, Luke. No. Luke, I bought you an iPad. Luke, you don't want an iPad? No, this is stupid. What's your Christmas present? You don't want an iPad? Why does Tristan keep cutting things? It has a keyboard. Andrew, take your Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Luke. I don't want them. Merry Christmas, Luke.
So I admit it.
I broke my computer.
and I actually do need the iPad.
that I completely said that I didn't need.
And I'm going to go get it. And I know he's gonna make me admit it.
because I kept saying that fuck Apple and I don't need Apple, but I actually need the iPad.
*knock*
I admit it. I'm a loser. What do you admit?
I need the iPad.
So you made it? Yeah, you bought the iPads and- I didn't need the iPad, I've got a fucking Linux gay mode XLGAY
That's what you said you had. You said you had laptop G-A-Y-S-E-X mode. I know. I know. And now you admit it. I admit it. I need the Apple. Apple. I need Apple. So don't you admit you have a cousin who just buys random things. And it's extremely intelligent to do. Yeah. Because it's true. You buy complete random shit. And then when you need them, they're here. I know. You need an Apple watch to go with it. No, I don't.
Are you sure? I'm sure. So you admit it. If I did need one, I'd come, I know where to go. Say I admit it. I admit it. I admit it. I'm a loser and I need Apple and Apple won. Apple won. Not only did I buy six iPads.
I bought keyboards. I only bought one keyboard for my six iPads because I knew in my brain that you'd end up needing a keyboard. The other five wouldn't, but you would.
That's how smart I am, isn't it? That's true. That's exactly why you only bought one keyboard.
It was for this exact moment. Somehow you knew. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Thank you very much, friend. What is it?
A ride in the oldenpot?
I came out this year
as the 15th anniversary of the France import. Light to medium, a bit more tasteful than the usual light to medium body cigar.
Fantastic.
So it was designed for the French?
good so I'm gonna take it off the French why is this a cigar in England I'm about to take it off
Of course, as England, we've whooped France's ass endlessly. We always will. Except in football, unfortunately. It's fine. Take their cigar, teach them a lesson.
Nice. Can I pick out the tree? Yes, please.
um
What are you gonna do about it?
I won't care.
You're French, he cares.
right in front of your face.
I took a cigar which was designed for your people
I robbed you.
I robbed your national treasure. Do you guys have any English cigars that are made for the English? Yes, we have. Could I please have one, please? Absolutely.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna pay the price
Shit.
Okay.
I'm not finished complaining about people who like oceans.
Because when you actually listen to these individuals, you realize they are exceptionally low IQ.
Oh, I just love whales. How the fuck can you love a whale? Has a whale ever paid your rent? Have you ever spoken to a whale? It's a huge thing in the ocean. You've never interacted with whatever. Doesn't talk. Doesn't improve your life. If you had cancer, wouldn't even send you a card.
You're sitting there going, I love whales. Why? Why? Why do you love them? Humans shouldn't ever even see whales. I love my dog. My dog comes to me. He cares about me. We care about each other. How can you love a whale? It doesn't make any sense. Whales don't give a fuck about you. Liking marine life is asinine. The entire fucking ocean is filled with dumb shit. Name something smart from the ocean. Dolphins, supposedly. If you're that smart, why can't you walk?
fucking swimming around like a bro. Getting caught in tuna, that's a genius. I'm a tuna. I'm a tuna. You're all smart and fucking dumb. At least on land there's fucking smart shit. Like dogs can do tricks. Fucking lame. Fish are stupids. Fucking sea urchins. I've even got a face. I've even got a face, bro. Whales, big and dumb. Fuck that shit. It's all trash. If animals could talk,
The animals in the ocean would be the most stupid of them all. I swim all day. What did you say? Swim. Anything else? No. Fucking loser. You're big and giant and terrifying. What do you eat? Tiny shrimp. Lame. Loser. Anyone who likes the ocean's low IQ. I'm standing by that fact.
You can't actually like those.
They were...
It's Rice Krispie Marshmallow Squares. You can't actually enjoy them. Everyone enjoys them.
No, Tristan, now you're lying. You can't.
Can't walk.
This is stupid. Why is it stupid? It's Christmas. You guys can't enjoy it. I know it's Christmas, but that doesn't mean you need to eat Rice Krispies Squares. That doesn't mean you enjoy Rice Krispies Squares. It surely must be a joke.
I don't have a second one right now. No, you're not. I'm going to become a fat loser like you.
If you have the choice of eating Rice-Cosci Square or fighting me, bear an apple, which one you choose?
Well, I choose the Rice Krispie Squares. That's your choice.
I mean, I guess they might be good.
You can't mean it.
Thank you.
I'm gonna become a beat. No, it is. So Tristan's been saying this for the past, let's say, I don't know.
five minutes.
Five minutes
This is my life's dream. It's not. It's the first I've ever heard it. As everyone on the internet who knows me will know.
Now, I've been talking about becoming a beekeeper for the last decade. That's not true at all. No, Tristan, the internet will prove that you're a liar. So when we're supposed to fly places and do fun things, we can't go because Tristan has to stay home and look after the bees.
Yeah, but that's stupid. And the garden will be full of loads of bees. That's what I mean. That'd be horrible.
Do you need a helper bee duper? I might help you. You're going to help me? No, we don't need... What if I get bees and you get bees and they end up...
beefing
We don't need bee wars in the gardens. How about we convert Luke's?
Into a bee cave. No. Yeah, he can still sleep in it. He can have his bed. Luke, we're not kicking you out. You can have your bed. No, but you're going to make it full of bees. But they'll also be bees.
There will be some bees. But you're the beekeepers. Why don't you do that with your rooms? I don't know.
No, no. I've got to be separate from the beast. Assert my dominance.
So they know I'm just one of the drones. I'm going to start a bee colony, and it's going to be better than your bee colony, and they're going to kill all of your bees.
This is some brand new idea that's never been heard before.
No, exactly. No more supercars, no more private jets, no more things. We have to stay home, look after the bees. B-Wars. No, no B-Wars.
We don't need B-Wars.
B wars in the garden.
Wouldn't that ruin summer? - Why don't you be quiet?
new pitch Luke's room
Scorpion Den.
No, this is stupid.
So
Oh look, there's booze. Free booze. We don't need booze. What do you mean? Merry Christmas, Luke. Luke, we have a car. Do need booze. No, we don't. Goodwill to all men. Goodwill to all men, Luke. I agree with that, but we don't need booze. This is our Christmas celebration. You're not ruining it. A little Christmas chocolate? I meant you don't have one. Okay. I have these. Everybody who does not have a religious affiliation that stops them drinking should drink. Do we agree, Andrew?
I 100% knew it was coming. So here's how cancellation works. I knew it was coming. I absolutely not only knew it was coming because of how orchestrated it was. The only thing, and I'll state this at the beginning, the only reason I'm upset by being cancelled is because I've expired one of my lives.
First you get cancelled. Now, controversial influencer Andrew Tate has been banned from Facebook and Instagram. The cancelling of influencer Andrew Tate. Then they make up a reason to put you in jail. The Matrix has attacked me.