Transcript
*BOOM*
*music*
I'm going to go this way.
*music*
Yes, he is. Yes, he is.
I'll do it again. You don't owe me. I'll go again. I'll go again right now. We got 20 more.
20 more. 20 more. 20 more. 20 more. 20 more. I don't give a blueberry maker spot.
We were running low. We were running low. We only had 40 bottles left. We were not running low. We're okay. We have 40 bottles. Only 40.
You don't even drink champagne. You don't drink it. Vodka.
*Squeak*
Over!
Happy birthday! Thank you, brother! Thank you!
*music*
*Cheering * *Cheering * I don't give a blueberry baker's f *ck! *Cheering * I don't give a blueberry baker's f *ck!
*
*BEEP*
What are you interested in?
*Chatter * *Chatter *
Hello?
Not the captain. What do you mean? I'm not the captain.
What does it say on my hat? I don't know. It's all numbers.
Tristan, why is the ship wet? Why? You're the captain. Because it's raining. How do we solve this problem? I'm not afraid of the rain. I'll sail through anything. Captain Vladimir Scorpius. I fear no weather. Tristan, we need to solve this problem. It's a big problem. Why? Because the ship's wet. So?
- It's supposed to be wet. - You're gonna be wet in a second when I throw you in the fucking ocean. Man overboard. Oh yeah, we'll be turning around the rest of you. - You're right.
- I like that in the morning.
That's your unit.
It's one of those light bulb buildings. Show them your flashlight.
Have you ever seen a lighter? There it is, my first light tower. Stop saying that.
You take him everywhere. You take me everywhere motherfucker. He makes it live.
Hey, hey, y'all see ya, sir. Take that out. Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Suited. Suited. Suited.
*BEEP*
You work with the guys
Yeah, it's an extra situation, right? Like they're... at least in Chicago, they're on the same fucking... here? They might put it over here.
Oh, I'm not right.
*outro music*
Why'd you all wake me up? It's 7 a.m.
There's no emergency. There was an emergency. What's the emergency this time, huh? What? A bunch of pretty Ukrainian girls tried to rob us.
tried and failed tried ah so this is an actual emergency this is the girl the girls you had on the couch here trying to rock me yeah yeah the three girls I had last night trying to rock my space again the thing is about this look pirates
No offense, Justin. Justin was reveling in their company. I know Eastern European girls.
You are having the time of your life. It does look good.
Yeah. Now I know, I know you train. So Tig was here who speaks Russian naturally.
So they all went to the bathroom. I was like, you know what, Tig? I don't trust these hoes. Can you just please go and listen to these girls for me?
So he goes over to the bathroom, blah, blah, blah. He goes back and goes, you know what? These girls talk about, oh, these guys have money. These guys, they look rich. We need to get some money from these guys, blah, blah, blah. So I thought, okay, spread out gold diggers.
So we immediately get super suspicious.
Detective Sterling.
On the case. Because one of them was super tired. And I said, yo, go lay her down in my room.
So Sterling goes upstairs when they're trying to put a girl to bed in my room.
and he sees them on one floor up coming down from his room yeah goes all the way up and finds one of them there's nothing up there but a billion table a billion table yeah my stuff
and he finds one of them literally with her phone flashlight on going through his bags
A little bit suspicious. So he comes out and says, the best part of the story is this.
In most groups of dudes, if a guy comes out and says, hey, Justin, your girl's going to do my bag. This bitch is a thief. Some guys would be like...
"I don't know, will she go through your bag, bro? This is the girl alone, blah, blah, blah." I know Sterling was telling the truth. I instantly know that this girl was literally going through his bag.
So the government has a lot of good girls.
You better get the fuck out.
I will look through your bag first. And after I look through your bag, you can get the fuck out. So I look at one of their bags. Who is it? Tig's just like, are you sure you want to search her? I'm like, look, she's wearing almost nothing. I'm going to fucking put my hand in her pussy. Like, I can see there's nothing in her bag. So the girls all leave, but they need their fucking cell phone on the table and a set of keys.
So I quickly switched to the fucking airplane mode and hide it underneath the back in the back and back here.
Doorbell rings five minutes later.
I said, that's going to be the girls asking for their fucking phone. They answer the door. They come here. Blah, blah, blah. Telephone. Tigs are like, yep, that's all they wanted.
So Tig literally told him, who is G by the way, he's not here.
He literally told them, you girls are thieves and you're searching through our house. You're not allowed to come in here and look through our house anymore.
"There's no more searching through our house, "because you girl are thieves." The security guard for the house is standing there with him, by the way, some fat dude. Telling him they're not allowed in. And they're like, "Oh no, we need our phone." So I said, "You know, Tig, call the fucking police, "'cause I know the Eastern European police."
So when the police get called, the one who's caught looking through starting the bag vanishes. She fucking goes. She knows.
She knows the drill and leaves the house.
The other two, the one whose phone is missing and the one who may have been innocent in all crimes, is standing here hoping for this phone. And the Eastern European police come. One of them is fucking smoking hot.
So Stormy goes outside and tries to flirt with her. So those people want to think about it. Nice. Great attempt. Good attempt. You gotta try.
And they just, without anything being said, the Eastern European police literally shackle these bitches' hands behind their back and take them off the property.
We smashed their phone to pieces. What phone is this? Really? What kind of iPhone is this? It's a broken iPhone.
I think so. I think you're right. I can see it. Disco, disco. It's broken, isn't it? Oh, sorry. No, wait, wait, wait. Let me take it.
O.
Ah, fuck, it's burning my hand.
Can I, can I, can I re-boil it? Yeah.
- May I?
It's broken.
It's broken. It looks broken to me. Three double. Huh? That's what it looks like. You had won the fucking Super Bowl. You scored a touchdown. No, no. The exact line was he was like, oh, so what kind of film do you do? What kind of film do we see? I said, look, I'll show you what kind of film do you do.
We go.
I walk outside and say, "A broken one." And I just pass it across the floor. Then I gotta pick it up and burn my hand. It's so fucking hot. I don't know if I have it.
So the phone gets smashed to pieces. The girls get kicked the fuck out.
And, uh...
I think we'll jump into the swimming pool with our clothes on. Everybody goes. Yeah.
Win-win.
So that's what happened. I'm a widower.
Let's go home to Romania where everyone's scared to rob us.
No.
But then you wouldn't have adventures like this, Andrew.
I'm gonna go upstairs and lift my thing. And if my stuff's missing, I'm gonna be pissed. Those three little retards, I need to talk with them. They're all four-year-old. Not once! And then I walked into Andrew's room about two times. I'm laying in my room. Mosquitoes are biting my wrists and ankles. I don't know why they're so... Because it's got a big veranda. I left it open the first night. Mosquitoes are eating me. I walk into Andrew's room. I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing in my room?" I was like, "Andrew, just let me lay down, please." I'm laying out because I sleep in Andrew's room.
Yeah.
And now,
for an emergency meeting. All right, this was an actual emergency. This is a real emergency. I think this is the first emergency in probably the last, what, 100 emergency meetings? They're all emergencies. No, they're not. Well, look, in my defense, I am new to the emergency meetings.
So I didn't know that I was calling it wrong.
No, it's these. Yeah, this is a good word to be.
This was a real emergency wasn't it? Yeah. Like our cold. Wait. Wait, so Justin, what happened with your shoes? He jumped in the police and put his shoes on. They're soaking wet. And they're the only ones I can go shoot in. Yeah. A little bit wet. Wait, aren't they supposed to be dry though? Yeah. You know what? You know what though?
Phew.
If you were there, you would have seen that I did not even think about jumping in the pool behind my friend.
You don't hang your friends out to drive.
Even if it fucks you.
Bless another day.
Good.
Thank you.
Have fun.
Yeah, fuck off.
I was getting those shoes so wet.
That shit.
Mr. What Shoe.
How many times have you been shot? Never. Never once. No. First time I remember you. Wait, no, I don't want a first time. It's all about new experiences. Yeah, kind of. AK or AR?
It has to be AR, I think, but neither. Neither is the correct answer. AR, got it.
This is from the A-cam around the AR. It's all good. Fuck! You're accurate, yeah? I don't miss.
*clap*
*Train*
Hold on! Fire!
*Dramatic Music*
*BANG*
Thank you.
Good shot there from Tim!