Transcript
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Watch this.
This has been making me money for six months.
Six months ago I told a bunch of people, "Hey, you don't have to go be a shit muncher. Why are you working a job like a shit muncher?"
when you can have money from the sky.
I never let go of tape, no. I'd rather go to work.
Work. This, read this. What does it say?
Chocolate cake with- Chocolate fucking cake! What's the price of cake?
The price of cake, what's the price of cake? I think it's $20 now. $20. I had cake at fucking what, 33 cents? 33 cents. Like 40 grand a day at 33 cents. Now it's $20. Do the fucking math. I'm a trillionaire. I'm a millionaire again. I became a millionaire. Now I keep becoming a millionaire over and over and over again.
All I do is make millions. Oh, I have 1 million, 2 million, 10 million. And I tell people on the internet, you don't need to work.
You can get cake and pancakes and you can flip the pancakes and get money from the sky. And they're looking at me like, you're talking about what? Pancakes? You could be rich, but you're a shit muncher. You don't get Taco Bell. You can't afford it.
We can.
Because we're rich. You're a shit muncher. You should listen to me.
*music*
Round 1.
♪ ♪
Round two.
Enjoy the party.
Round three.
♪ I'm Luke, the man of the sun ♪ ♪ But I guess you never knew ♪ ♪ I guess there's nothing new ♪ ♪ But they know I got my own ♪ ♪ Cause I know they're by the sun ♪ ♪ And they're waiting to blow my horn ♪ ♪ And they're waiting to blow my horn ♪ ♪ Two days later ♪ So basically, I'm Luke. Because you didn't wear your space suit in Las Vegas, what happened is the atmosphere decompressed in real time, and I had to fly into the sun to restart the fusion. And when I did that, I was in the middle of the night,
I emerged as you. So I'm you now. So I drive your Ferrari. Nice. So who am I? Am I still Luke? No. You're not Luke. And you're not me.
You're... Faceless man. No, you're Rory. Because everybody's asking where Rory is. Who the fuck are you?
I'm fucking Luke.
Tristan's cousin.
I'm Luke.
Rumpel, who is this guy? Luke. I'm fucking Luke. How many times do I have to tell you I'm Luke? I'm Rory. You're Rory and I'm Luke. The whole game has changed. Everything's changed. Take confidential. It's all changed. And I think your Ferrari with the race exhaust is the best sounding car we have. Which is why I decided to put a race exhaust on my Ferrari. Wait, you. That's where we're going now.
4 liter with a big race exhaust and it sounds amazing. And I've got a V12 6 liter Ferrari. And I put a race exhaust on my Ferrari. Because little fucking Luke driving around thought he had the best sounding car. Not any fucking more. So I had to teach you a lesson about the real world before I became you and you became me. So that's where we're going. We're going now for me, Luke, to collect my new second Ferrari. Nice.
you
I was just saying that the last time you called.
You know, I forget how sexy this car is. I always see a Ferrari and I think in my mind it's a bit like
Boring?
Okay.
But it's not.
It's beautiful.
- I need to interview you. - So I need to,
Where do you get some off?
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Well, that's right, you can repeat.
*Dramatic music*
I'm a genius!
*Dog barking*
I'm Luke. I'm Rory. He's Rory. I went into the sun to restart the fusion. You don't remember. I had to have my spacesuit. You didn't have a spacesuit in Vegas.
You guys are humble.
I'm sorry.
so
So I said I'll buy us a castle house. Okay, you got the house. No, but I found out I can actually stay in this castle. What happened is I turned up and I was sexy as fuck in my supercar. And I said, excuse me, who's the manager? Who's the boss here? Who's the boss? Not much money. Who's the boss? I finally found the boss. I was like, hi, you must have a room in this castle which I can stay in. And he said, actually, yes, we have a little villa and we have an apartment. But they're for special occasions only. I said, it is a special occasion. I'm going to have your motherfucking cake. Give them to me.
And then I messaged you and then you drove here and here we are and now we live in a castle. Problem solved. Thanks. It was a big problem. It was a big problem. Now we don't even have to buy a castle house. Tristan was acting like it wasn't a problem. Listen, we are going to live here because I've decided to turn our house into a castle. Because trying to buy a castle house is proof too hard because we can't find the one we want. So we're going to turn our current house into a castle. And while that happens, because we need a lot of construction work, we're going to live in this castle.
- Okay.
We're castled.
I'll leave. I'll rest my mind. You can't leave. Listen. Leave where? We live in the castle. I have a Ferrari 812 Superfast outside of a castle. I'm drinking cognac. It's working cigars. Why are you pretending I'm not the coolest human alive? Because I'm doing exactly the same thing and so is Luke and he's certainly not.
Luke's friends are over there.
Look, your friend's behind you.
What do you mean?
- Behind you, your friends are at that table. - What? Behind you? Is it dudes or something? - Just look behind you. They're your friends.
Who's at the table, Luke? Nobody.
Oh, Jesus. So I have no friends. Luke has no friends. Don't walk. Don't walk.
If you're watching this,
and you're not a millionaire.
then you're fucking up your life. And not only are you fucking up your life because you're not a millionaire, but you're also fucking up your life because the largest transfer of wealth
And modern history is taking place right now.
You've all seen my tweet where I said I bought 600 grand worth of Bitcoin. Turned it into seven, eight million. I don't know how much it is. How much is that? Eight million? I don't know. Who cares? I've got millions already. Who gives a fuck?
Point is, you could have done that if you had 600 grand.
but you didn't because you're fucking broke. So if you're sitting around now and you're broke, not only is your life shit because you're broke, but there's a huge opportunity cost
Because right now, if you had money sitting around, you could follow experts like me, or there's other people out there who know exactly what they're doing, and you could quadruple your cash.
But you don't fucking have any.
Isn't that amazing that you're fucking up your life to that level where a once in a lifetime event is taking place and you're sitting around counting pennies like a fucking jackass?
You should have money.
You need to find a way to get money urgently.
Tell you why. I was talking to someone recently and they're like, oh, but isn't crypto a risk? Risk.
The only risk is not having crypto. As your life continues, your pathetic wormish life, as it continues your ability to acquire more cash will likely increase. You likely become better at making money. However, as time passes your ability to acquire crypto will become more and more difficult
It's going to become harder to get crypto because the prices are going to go up because the Federal Reserve won't turn off the fucking money printers.
If you don't have enough money,
right now to invest half a million dollars into cryptocurrency, you're fucking up. Because if you could get hold of half a million right now, all your dreams of needing 10 or 20 million, you don't need that. You need half a million dollars today. If you can do that and you make the right moves...
You can be rich forever. So if you don't have half a million,
What we're doing is we're putting together a plan in the war room for anybody and everybody to make money online, specifically with the goal of investing in cryptocurrency. If you want to make money.
in Baltimore.
So we're in the castle, in our hunters lodge, and you need to give me the lighter for my cigar.
Tristan's been refusing to give me a lighter for an hour. Unless you admit it. It has been an hour. If you admit it and confess, you can have the lighter.
I've made a lot. What is going to be in it? We know what you want to admit.
Just a minute. Admit why.
You know what to admit. I'll let you through. Just say Tristan. I admit it.
I'm gonna have to lie here.
I don't want to admit it. I don't believe in this. No, you can't do it. It's the only way to get hold of the light.
You can't have it any other way. How about this? I'll make my own delight tart.
No one ever has lit a cigar this high.
This might work. Wait.
Thank you.
I'm an 18 karat rose gold Dupont lighter. That's the way you do it.
Kristen.
I'm about to light my cigarette. All you're doing is blasting me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It looks like it's working.
Thank you.
Bye.
Thank you.
You know what? Kristen. You know what? I just lit my cigar without your lighter. You know what? Do you admit that?
I admit.
- I admit it. - He made it.
Thank you.
So the tables have turned. We made it. Finally.
Full confession. Full confession. Full confession.
Tristan, booze is not food. You can't keep saying... you keep... for... what do you have for lunch? For lunch I had... Was it cognac only? Yeah.
For dinner, I'm having a Hugo.
That's what we do.
I ordered a steak both times. Yeah, cool. Steak's good.
- Steak's good. - Yeah, steak's food.
With his limes in the glass.
Limes have... that's not food. Limes are food. Limes very much are food.
And your alarm is food.
Excuse me. Three more Hugos, please.
Thank you.
Four.
Thank you. With a extra lime in mine.
Please.
Exercise Align.
Limes are food, Luke.
I'll prove it. I'm not gonna die, am I? I'm not gonna starve to death.
This can't be real. It is real. How long are you going to do this for? Forever.
I can survive on limes.
Can't survive on Hugo's. Yep.
Did you know?
that in the age of sale,
British sailors used to get scurvy until the British Navy started packing lemons and limes into their ships in massive quantities because they could store well, and eating them had enough vitamin content to avoid sailors dying of hunger in the scurvy. Did you know that?
That's exactly why Americans call English people Lymies to this day.
because the ships used to
stink of citrus when we turned up.
So you very much can survive our lives.
So before you insult my dinner,
Why don't you educate yourself?
about history, read a fucking book.
thought you were a geek, clearly not. You just looked like one.
Let's not den her.
Bye, dinner.
What's breakfast then?
- I don't know.
I've got a drive, so probably a black coffee.
And when I finished driving,
schnapps for lunch.
Sounds good to me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Tristan, why do you do these things? - These ones actually have mint as well, which is obviously very high in zinc.
An iron.
to fuel my big arms.
That can't be real.
What do you mean?
That's not true. What's your diet, by the way? You're like 20 kilos lighter than me. That is true.
That is true. Why do you keep telling me I'm doing things wrong?
In fact, I'll fight you for it. I'll fight you over opinions. I'll eat nothing but these today. That's my dinner. You can have bacon, legs and steak and whatever you like, and then we'll fight.
No thanks.
I'm fine.
you
Amen.
That can't be good. You're not happy.
There's no happiness eating limes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I am Colin.
for an immediate cease and desist.
on all work related activities.
From now on, our lives are to be fun and pleasure only.
No more work.